Skit: Amoriartii is gone

So my ex Amoriartii got caught stealing at least three suits cases from three separate airports. I'm being vague for privacy reasons. I obviously have qualms and stealing people's luggage. I would like to first say I definitely believe in stealing from rich conglomerates in that abuse their employees and don't compensate them enough to allow for a decent standard of living. Screw those companies and their wealthy shareholder/ owners. I also believe in stealing grossly wealthy individuals. There's no way it is possible earn a certain amount of money without exploiting and extorting people. I think if one has more money than could ever be ethical it's fine to steal from them. But that's like a handful of people and probably does not include the three people who my ex stole from. They had money but not to the point where it's eat the rich money. Righteously stealing from people is difficult it requires a lot of fact checking and investigation. But I digress. 

I wanted to write this because I'm ultimately heartbroken. Amoriartii is very white passing. So for all intense and purposes can be categorized as white and probably wants to be white. I can't believe that they would steal from a black immigrant. I know not all immigrants are poor. I know not all black people are poor. This is about class but it is more about race I think. I'm trying to work out my position, feelings, and thoughts on this while I write this.  One if the victims is black and is immigrant. This being America that already sets up a power dynamic between Amoriartii and her. I'm not saying Amoriartii is richer than her it may be the other way around I don't assume to know. What I do know is she is not wealthy enough to make the stealing ethical or feel good. I also know that Amoriartii is not poor enough to need to steal luggage from people for financial reasons. So that analyzes the class aspect of this.  

What I think is ultimately upsetting me is that Amoriartii stole from at least one black women. I do not know the ethnicities of the other two. I think Amoriartii targeted her and her bag in particular. How did they do it? I don't know. Why did they do it? I also didn't know. But I do not think they took a random bag off of the carousel and just took a one in a million chance. They would have had to have been taking at least one bag from every flight they ever took, going to check the bag in the bathroom, and then returning it if they didn't like it if that was the plan. I know they fly a lot so it's possible that that was the plan but it just doesn't seem realistic. I think they would have gotten caught way sooner. They have been doing this since we broke up. So for about five years. They might have been doing it while we were together but it doesn't seem like it. Because all the victims are women. They seem to be after women's clothing, jewelry, and makeup. I knew their closet like the back of my hand when we were dating and they had very few women's pieces. Mostly what we got together. 

Anyway, they went out of their way to steal this black lady's luggage. I think they knew she was black and maybe also that she was a fashion designer. As a white AMAB person, they already have all the money, power, land, and resources. What more could you want? Everything and  the world too? To steal from a black women to me says you don't see the years of inequity, inequality, and injustice that black people especially black women have faced in America for years. And you also don't see how that has affected black women over the generations. And I will let it go that it hasn't affected this particular black woman over the generations in the same way because she is an immigrant she's not of the diaspora. However she's from Africa a continent that was plundered, pillage, colonized, abused, and exploited for resources. She is not from one of the countries few countries that did not experience the full negative effect of colonization or white people. So generational disadvantages and generational trauma still apply to her just in a slightly different way.

I felt so seen by them when we were together. I felt like we were the same person just in different bodies. I felt like they understood me and where it came from. And now I feel either lied to or betrayed. Because either they didn't know me they, didn't understand my struggles as a black person. Or they understand and did it anyway. I understand the rush of exploding your privilege. I do the same thing abroad. It is an extreme privilege to be an American. To have that American passport means that other places will give you the benefit of the doubt and will let you get away with things. You can commit wrongdoings and face no consequences. That is fun and addictive as all get out. But I try to do it in a way where I'm only hurting those more privilege than me. Like the very small things I do do not have any consequences for individuals, just countries or companies. But I think to use your privilege in a way that deliberately hurts people who have less privilege than you is wrong. 

So it hurts me that they would do this. It makes me feel disrespected. Like if they could do it to her they could do it to me. It's been five years and people change. I noticed they were changing after they had been in DC for two years. Maybe the person I love doesn't exist anymore. I wanted to believe that part of that person, even if it was just a small sliver, was still there. But I don't think that's possible. The person I love wouldn't do this. So the person I love must be gone. 

Skittles: 12/21/22

This heart stays broken. I'm a constant state of disarray and in need of repair. So much so I'm beginning to wonder what the joys of love feel like. Because the pain is all I remember and it's all too familiar. The pain has made it's self comfortable in my chest. Taken up residence. Made it's self at home. A home of memories that make me cry and triggers that break me down. 

No one can say I didn't love her. Because if this isn't love why does it hurt me so bad. Makes me so mad at myself for not learning the first fifty 'leven times. From not learning from Amoriartii. For failing the test after spending five years making the same mistake. Iwant to be better. 

But there's only pain where my heart use to be. One that's making it harder to love a women who actually wants me. Pain that is only overshadowed by the loneliness of pinning for someone who can never love me the way that I love them. A heart not yet whole and still very much tattared, disassembled. Yet completely distracted by Black Velvet. Maybe if it were whole and healed we could love someone else. We wouldn't cling to the first floating object that came our way like we were drowning. But I'm all honesty we were sort of drowning. Exhausted from trying to keep our head up. Encompassed in the pain. The hollow that would be the loneliness in my bones filled with my pain. Then came Back Velvet like an island respit in the middle of the dark unforgiving ocean. My heart needs them. Especially now in the cold dark. They help me face the void everyday and not give in. Never mind the fact that they don't love me like that. That does add to the hurt but not more than they help me heal. 

I want to get off this island. I want to go back to land. I'm sick of this never ending ocean. I know that when I am actually tired of hurting it will stop, or at least begin to get better. I'm impatient. I want to be better now. I don't want to want to talk to her. I don't want to want to see her. I'm sick of writing about her. I didn't name her so it will be easier to forget her in the future. But here in the present she's always on my mind like a song I can't shake. Even if I'm not actively thinking about her she still there. I can beat cancer but this is insuperable. This feels like a forever love but I hope I'm wrong. 

All I can do is cling to my island and cry I guess. I feel bad for the women who likes me and I can't be bothered to show up. I wonder how I will face the void everyday now that I'm losing black velvet to their relationship. They are being consumed by in which I love for them but hate for me. I'll be all alone left to sink or swim once more. Hurting, crying and alone winter really isn't my season. 

daily struggles

Hindsight is 20/20 except for when you're wearing rose colored glasses. 

Skittles: old post P.S grown up

Can I speak frankly? I know we tend to ease into topics that have been burning in our minds for months. Slow and steady has been the tride and true method. For me, I was always scarred of scarring you away. Saying things you weren't ready to hear. We started being slightly more direct. We would say 1 concise direct thing to each other. The receiver might be a tad bitter but would tolerate it without lashing out or responding with a hurtful quip. We have known each other for 5 years in October. I believe we can stand each other's honesty, without responding rashly. I do not believe in the slightest that this will be fun or comfortable. In 5 years we've built quite a history that needs context and discussion. No matter how much I adore you, we don't exactly balance each other out. We're a powerful force because we are so similar. We drive each other, bring the best out of one another. Being so similar means we can be quite volatile together, if we don't do something to neutralize the part of the reaction every once in a while we will explod. It will be metaphorically violent and quite emotionally painful. I don't want that. I want you in my life, in some positive form, for the rest of my life. I'm not going to be so presumptuous to tell you what you need, but I will give you my unsolicited opinion. I think if we work long term its going to be with a lot of hard pills to swallow, truths we didn't want to hear, things that are going to be hard to say, a bit more trust than I think we're use to, a great deal of restraint, remembering that we aren't trying to hurt each other, that we care deeply for one another, lots of deep breaths, thinking before we speak, removing one's self from the heat of the moment when need be, not saying things out of hurt/pain/anger, just because we're close does not mean the other person is telepathic, and, remembering that the other is a human who sometimes does the emotional thing instead of the "right" thing. I could start from first time I felt slighted all the way back to 2014. I think its best to deal with the past as it comes up and effects the present or later all at once. Which ever you prefer is fine with me. But 2014 is not what I want to get to this very second.

With all of that expository out of the way, I feel like I lost you in 2017. I don't know if I'm Woody from Toy Story realizing Andy grew up. Maybe your every other adult in the little prince and I'm the crazy old man. I hope I'm not Antifa and your the Conservative DNC (the ones that felt so threatened by Bernie they committed sabotage). Conversely I could be the protagonists in every coming of age story that has to mature into the hero and you could be my mentor who has sacrificed everything to no avail. I don't know. The story isn't that close to being over yet. From where I sit, high and mighty, I feel like you've forgotten who you are. Being white passing in predominantly white spaces I feel like has changed you. I feel like you forgot just because you pass doesn't mean you can't go to POC things. Or go to events where there will be more POC people. I know I lose touch with my identities if I don't spend time in community.  I'm not up on the latest in MechE or general scientific community things becuase I don't have a comminty at the moment. I have no idea and thus don't really care what the struggles are.  Its not an identity I have to engage in. Similarly to your passing, not being poor, usually perceived as male, job security, health care, political influences, social influence, and fame there are struggles that don't concern you. I'm going to give you my take on something you said, I know exactly what you said and I know it was not specifically directed at me, but please indulge me in my theatrics. The flare provides a clearer point. With you being the one speaking: Where you want to end capitalism becuase you see it as corrupt, broken, and/or evil I have found away to work inside it and use it for my own means, I don't really see the point in doing away with it. End quote  I get that. You are so close to being a poster child for hard work and perseverance equals The American Dream. Unfortunately you're Queer. They will never let you be one of them. Its frivolous to try. I am a MechE and I also have a degree in Nano Tech. I am not without faults. With that ingenuity I used it for war. My developments will be used to oppress other POCs. My inventions will feed the military capitalist industrial complex. I am profiting from death, misallocated resources, opression, war, helping the powerful steal resources with force, colonization, and many other things I typically oppose. Why did I willingly choose this? Why do I stay? The money is excellent, I have ridiculous amount of resources for research, job security, and I get to blow things up. Yes, I realise those "things" will go from inanimate objects in field test to humans. How can I sleep? Very well on my nice bed knowing I'm not the one my inventions are being used on. The difference is just becuase I'm a sell out doesn't mean I don't want it to end. I hate the military complex. I will help take it down. I will help end capitalism even through its benefiting me. I would help end all those systems even through I know ending them is to my personal, selfish, and immediate detriment. I have the forethought that it will benefit me later. When did you loose your vision and selflessness?

You lost hope in love. For all the time you spent building walls did you not learn I'm a great climber?

Skittles: drunk thoughts about Berlin

I want out last night around 11:30 PM and didn't get back till 4:30 AM. Had quite a few drinks and I thought to myself about Berlin.

God would I have more fun if I was Amoriartii.

This not having a penis thing is really cramping my style.

It's weirdly safe here, I have yet to be accosted.

Or maybe black people are just seen as dangerous??? 

Do we have a bad reputation everywhere? What's up with that????

Berlin is firmly male.

I would also have more fun here with Amoriartii.

Haven't been to one BDSM party????

Ready to go to a queer or lesbian city next.

The conversion from us dollar to Euro is bullshit.

I've lost so much money in conversion fees.

Don't mix liquors. 

I should have gone out the weekend before. 

I'm not standing in line 3 hours to get into the club. 

I wanna go home. 

skit: draft apology

I am sorry for betraying your trust. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I already knew better than to talk about you when you're not there. It was wrong and I knew that. Betraying you was not the only thing I did out of malice. All of that was uncalled for. I am actively working to be less manipulative. I am also working on sitting in the discomfort of my pain instead of acting out. I have gotten better at taking responsibility for my own feelings. This has help me be less reactive. Instead of lashing out I now attempt to care for my own needs that aren't being met as a way to end the hurt I feel.

 

I loved you but I didn't know how to love you properly. That led to me causing you a lot of heart ache, pain, and hurt. I was never able to be fully honest and left a lot of words unsaid. All the times I would just stop talking to you with out explainion. I apologize for my poor communication and toxic behavior. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could have been in a healthy relationship. I wasn't committed to changing my behavior to be better either. I recognize that now. I have actively worked on my communication skills, being vulnerable, learning to trust, and over coming my own insecurities causing my anxiety. I have found a therapist that gets me and am making a lot of progress. 

I know many of my actions and words were hurtful. Whether I was retaliating or just being dismissive of your feelings, I now see the all of that pain you have suffered silently. I am very sorry for neglecting your feelings and disrespecting you. Social ques where never my strong suit and I have trouble taking others feelings into consideration. But I have been very intentional in working on my relationships of all kinds. I have worked on respecting boundaries and having occasional check ins to make sure they feel respected and cared for. I still don't get social ques due to a learning disability but I am coping with that by just asking how people feel. I listen and make sure that when I act I do so in a way that doesn't intentionally hurt people. I am also learning to speak to those I care about in a way that is less authoritarian and dismissive. I want those around me to know that they have autonomy and that I do care about what they are saying. Improving my active listening skills and changing my vocabulary has made all the difference. 

I was hard to love. I was hard to trust. I was hard to get to know. I was hard to understand. I know now if it was easy. But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient. I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I apologize for not even trying to see your point of view and never giving you patience, understanding, or appreciation. I am working on not taking people for granted. I am thinking through things not only from my perspective but trying to see how things could be interpreted differently. My friends are helping me with this. I am also working on getting out of my own head. I catastrophize and only see the worst in things. I am working on having a positive inner monologue. But mostly I am working on not making assumptions and patience. Patience allows me to take the time I need to calm down. Not making assumptions means I have to just ask for the others person version of things. I'd love to hear your side of the story by the way. This allows me to decide how to move forward with all the information not just my own perceptions.

Finally I am sorry this took so long for me to say. I am bad at apologizing to those I love. I told you this break in 2014, I don't know if you remember. I have been trying to apologize to you since 2017. Between trying not to cry, because I feel so bad, and my anxiety I never manage to get the words out. I am working on being able to talk through apologies through practice and therapy. However, I find the best way for me, at the moment, to say everything is to write it all down in a letter.

I would greatly appreciate you bringing anything I have missed to my attention. I want to apologize and I deeply regret not doing this sooner. I owe you a complete and sincere apology that include the ways I am actively working to do better. So if there's anything you think I didn't address please let me know.

daily struggles

All I want to do is apologize but I know they've moved on and it's too late. 

Skittles: written while listing to "One day"

I wonder all the time if it's going to hurt forever to love them. I wonder if I'm going to love them like this forever. I want to love them but in a way that's healthy. I wonder if I'm going to love them forever. I wonder if every love song is going to remind me of them. I wonder if ever song about heartbreak is going to remind me of them. I wonder if I was terribly physically hurt which would hurt more. I wonder why giving them up never sticks. 

I wonder if we switched bodies would I be the villian and them the victorious. I wonder what that says about us. I wonder what that says about the community. I'm wondering if I'm gaslighting myself or if everyone around me is the product of the version of story I told them. I wonder if I'm crazy, because I swear I am. I wonder if I could go back to the beginning and never met would I stay away or do it all over again. I wonder why I asked myself questions I already know the answer to. 

I wonder if I'll ever change and be better. I wonder if I'm ever going to tell them how sorry I am.  I wonder if it's too presumptuous to try to apologize. I wonder if it even matters to them at this point. I wonder if they would forgive me. I wonder if I apologize would it be for me or them? I wonder if trying to be better is selfish. I wonder if I'm going to be apologizing to them for the rest of my life. I wonder I ever if I'll ever get a chance to make it up to them. I wonder if it's possible to undo all the damage I did. I wonder how much therapy it will take for me to be in a good place so that I'd even have the option of having you in my life again. I wonder if I'll ever feel okay enough to try to find out? I wonder if I'll ever trust myself to let you in again. 

I wonder if they would ever trust me again. I wonder if I'm worthy of it. I wonder if they miss me. I wonder if I cross their mind.I wonder if they care.  I wonder how they are. I wonder if they are happy and I hope they are.  I wonder what their version of the story is. I wonder if they still love me. I wonder if they want to be friends. I wonder if they still have my clothes (I still have there's).

I wonder if this will be my biggest regret of my life. I wonder if we got back together if I would keep hurting them. I wonder if we'll ever be friends again.  I wonder what's stopping me from answer most of these questions. I wonder why after all this time I'm still wondering all these things.  I wonder if this is a sickness or fate. In the world there's a prerfect balance of fission and fusion I wonder what a love of equilibrium is like. 

Skittles: day 99

Being quarantined, even though I have a job, has eliminated all of my distractions. I now spend a good amount of my time fighting the urge to check on Amoriartii. It really is starting to feel like fighting a addiction at this point. The little voice in my head just lies to me; trying to justify a reason to, persuade, convince, bargain with, or beg me to check on Amoriartii. It's a fight with reasons and better judgement on one side and my physical desire to have dopamine and feelings on the other team. My desire to have dopamine is a tricky, cheating bastard who I wouldn't even trust playing hopscotch. The emotional side of my brain is down right bonkers. Emotions are psychological warefare tactics experts. You will feel like we've eaten and will hate the thought of eating anything even though we haven't eaten in 4 days and are physically approaching losing consciousness. Can't trust any of your sense cuz your emotions have you strung out on drugs and have indoctrinated you into a cult, even through you swear it's not a cult. 

It's June and I have not check their Facebook. Though I was looking for a comment I made on a friend page and a post Amoriartii made there years ago came up in the search. I got to see their most recent profile picture. They look happy. I think today's battle was won by  reasons and better judgement. I can see that they are still alive and not miserable. What more could I possibly need to know? All of this has made me realize if the world was ending or if I was doing dying I would try to see Amoriartii one last time. 

Skittles: two sides of the same coin

I started a new queer job last year that I will eventually get around to telling you all about. However that's not the topic of this post. I work as a professional queer now which means I come across a lot of other professionals queers that I've never met but know of through Amoriartii or they will ask about a certain experience I had with Amoriartii ( pride parade, Google New York, ect).  Many queers of color don't like Amoriartii, many far left queers don't like Amoriartii, and many queers doing work with young queers don't like Amoriartii. However all these people like me. This bothers me because Amoriartii and are basically the same person with 2 differences. They are perceived as white and I am black, and have chosen to always be authentic and I have chosen to hide. Amoriartii is Indigenous.

 I will not deny the color of our skin has played a huge role in the privilege we have access to in America. However, we think the same, have the same values, and come up with the same reasons. I know 100% that if I could pass as white male I would make the same choices that Amoriartii has made and they would make the same choices I have made being black AFAB (assigned female at birth). If we swapped bodies we could live each other's lives without anyone being the wiser. Not even the people closest to us would be able to tell the difference. The reason why people don't like Amoriartii is because they say things that only femmes and people of color are "allowed" to say our community. They want to be able to do everything they want to do without having to sacrifice and our community views that as an assertion of privilege. When really if they weren't white and perceived as male it would be fine. Amoriartii choose to be as honest about what they think as they are allowed to be. They normally lie because they have too (there are a few exceptions to this).And this is where we differ again. I will lie simply because I want to. It's easier for me. I would much rather pretend to be someone else than let you know who I am even a little. Amoriartii picks an authentic part of themselves and makes that all you see. I will refuse to speak because it scares me.  Amoriartii will speak even though it scares them too. They will flirt with who they want when they want regardless of what other people may think. I will only do it if I know it won't have any negative backlass. 

We are not together for a number of reasons but the reason we tell ourselves we're not together is because it would negatively impact both of us as professionals. It would be like if Malcolm X married a white women. The political atmosphere that Amoriartii aspires to is not one that I could be a part of or would want to be a part of. I very much hate the spotlight. And I would get as much attention as they would when they run for public office because I'm black and AFAB. I wouldn't get as much attention from the mainstream community but the queer community would want to interview me probably just as much as they want to interview Amoriartii. I never wanted to be professionally queer. I want to do "other" things and it would be an environment of conformity. One that Amoriartii wouldn't thrive in or enjoy either. We love each other too much to not want the other one to be 100% happy. We love each other too much to ask the other to sacrifice just so we could be together. So we both sacrificed each other and our happiness instead. 

When people tell me how much they don't like Amoriartii and the reason I always think to myself "well you really don't like me either." And if they do it's only because of how they perceive the oppression that I must have in my life.  X amount of oppression qualifies you for X amount of leeway/ whatever would normally make you a bad person otherwise. Sometimes it feels like if you're a poor, indigenous, trans femme, sex worker, undocumented, from a rural community, and is disabled in some visible way, the queer community would let you commit genocide. I understand why we don't hold each other to the same standards but we really should investigate more before setting that bar. I get the same pass that other poor black trans queer femmes get who are from the "hood". Went school in the suburbs. I went to the top five engineering University on the merits scholarship. I have never been hungry. I have always had all utilities on. I got my first computer when I was five. I had private horse riding lessons. I was a girl scout. I've been to every continent except Antarctica. I have no clue how food stamps work cuz no one in my family has ever had them since I've been alive. I was a sugar baby when I was in highschool but minus the sex. I am not the same as the rest of the community I get associated with. Yet my standard is said the same as there's. It's a problem. 

I am just tried of people treating us differently because the perceived oppression. When they need to lower Amoriartii's bar a bit and raise mine. I'm a Canadian penny and Amoriartii we are literally worth the same yet treated so differently.

Skittles: can't stop staring at the moon

I try to live my life without regret. I also live my life chasing after one thing. Love, a soul mate if you will. Yet so far I have one regret. That I might have given up on my soul mate. I have a nagging feeling that I threw away what I had been asking for. I have a nagging feeling that I'll die wishing I would have made it work. Wanting to go back and do it all over. I spend my nights wondering if I ignored the signs. If destiny, Deities, guardian angels, authors, ancestors, aliens, or whom ever it may be had a plan for me that I've been screwing up every step of the way. Like a disobedient sim. I wonder if the person my heart cries out to feels the same way. I wonder if my heart will ever learn to let go or love another. I don't know if it's possible. I loved V but I still loved them too. I hate looking up at the moon and hoping they are looking at it to missing me but it's the only thing keeping the urges at bay. I am fighting the urge to look at their insta, Facebook, or Twitter. I want to see the their face. But I know it shouldn't matter anymore. I know shouldn't care or want this any more. But it's my birthday so I'll indulge myself a little bit longer. I'll look up once more then I'll put this and myself to bed. 💔

Skittles: Where is the pain of heartbreak?

I am mourning the death of my relationship with Amoriartii. It is over. We're not friends, lovers, or even acquaintances. That is the hardest part for me not even being friends. I feel like I lost part of myself that I really liked because we were so similar. I had so much to say. I was/am so sorry. I wanted to apologize. I still will but I want to wait a bit. God, I loved them. I still do. It's a different love, or it will be. I'm not okay but I'm not in pain. This doesn't hurt and I'm very suspicious. I keep waiting for it to hurt. I honestly believe this will be the most excruciating break up I've ever or will ever have. I've only ever known the end of love to be painful. I'm sad. I miss them. There's definitely a longing but not really any pain. There wasn't a big fight, it didn't go up in a explosion of flames, nor did it crash and burn. It was more like a coma were there brain is still very much active. My subconscious was figuring things out. Then out of nowhere, quietly but suddenly, death. After we stopped talking for a year it was always going to end this way. But I thought it would be agonizing. I thought there would be anger, harsh words, the heat of the moment, a fight, tears, and maybe some yelling. But it was none of that. Just a sudden end. Like if I were to just stop right here in the middle of this post but with less obvious build up. So, I'm sad and I cry a lot. Not many people understand and no amount of explanation helps. We had a love people had to see to believe. I don't have a lot of people in my life who get that I just spend some of my time crying about this. As far as handling the end of this relationship I'm having very specific challenges. I don't really struggle with not stalking Amoriartii on Facebook. I also don't try to contact them. I conquered all of those vices while we were still together. I don't re-read letters or emails. I don't keep looking at our photos together. We still work together so I see them, very rarely through. I am trying to avoid them but I'm also self-sabotaging. I struggle because I'm a creature of habit. There are specific times during the year where we would absolutely see each other. Twice in the summer, once in the fall, and once in the winter. I first summer meetup just passed and it was difficult. Doing something different on purpose is a reminder in itself. I pretend to be happy, while really being miserable. I also worked an event which was mind-numbingly repetitive. Though due to the simplicity of the work I could spend most of my time actually sitting in my feelings. I could feel, not have to hide my emotions, and not talk to anyone. That event helped. I think work is going to be how I get through the summer. Work so my emotions can pervade through my entire being.

P.S. for Felix

Dear Felix

I have willed my letters and everything I've ever written about Amoriartii to them. Don't give them to them yet. They will just throw them away. But I know in time they will miss me and want something to remember me fondly. Please give them to them only when you're sure they aren't angry or sad any more. It will probably take a few years. But when they miss me. Then give them to Amoriartii.

I also have charge you with a task in my will and final testament. Love Amoriartii more now than you ever have. Please do this for me. Grow your love for them everyday. When you don't want to and you're ready to give up, love them. Love them past the end of time because I can't. I tried.

If I could have stayed alive on the sheer power of love I have for Amoriartii, you, and rest of my people I would still be alive. But life doesn't work that way and I was unable to find my way out of the darkness. I've been battling this demon since I was 7 years old and I could not fight anymore. The want to die has been part of my life longer than I've been queer. I couldn't keep fighting with myself. It is with a heavy heart that I made this choice. I didn't want to hurt all of the people I love so much. I didn't want to write this. But I felt the least I could do was tell everyone that I loved that there was nothing you could have done. There were no signs for you to see. There were no cries for help. I've been in therapy all my life with many different people. I've tried endless combinations of prescriptions. I've been hospitalized. I've been to residential treatment. I couldn't imagine living in a hospital or residential facility for even year. It's all about quality of life. I've been where I wanted to go. I've seen what I wanted to see. I've lived well despite it all. I've made friends with some of the best people I had the privilege to meet. It was time for me.

I won't say I will never send this. I just know at the moment. I won't be sending this. For the past 5 years of my life my Will has been the same: money for these people and causes, stuff goes to a few certain people, sell and donate things, a few specific letters if I killed myself or otherwise died, orders for my company, a post about the fact that I have died, and passwords so my best friend can deactivate all my accounts. I have a generic note written to whom ever I'm dating. I have a letter to my bestfriend. I have a letter to my board. I had a letter and things for Amoriartii. After this January I revised my Will. I added three people to give things to and completely removed Amoriartii. I copied the letter into my online folder of Amoriartii memories then burned the physical copy. Upon my death my bestfriend is the to transfer this file and all of its contents to Amoriartii's spouse (who is currently Felix). Along with the instructors to give them to Amoriartii when they are ready.

Skittles: Hopefully we get another lifetime

When I met Amoriartii, I it felt like I've known them my whole life. Like I knew them in a past life. A past lives where we still managed to get it wrong. We keep coming back because we have to get it right. We're meant to be together and until we can get it right we're cursed to return to walk this Earth. We're meant for for this love. Our matter, our essence call out to each other in this universe and we manage to find each other again and again. I don't know how many times loved didn't conquer all but I feel like we're running out of time. This planet doesn't have many more lives left. So I hope we get the chance to try again in the next life as humans again and enjoy the complexities of human love. You know, before the planet is no longer suitable for human life. So ideally we'll love each other next lifetime. I hope we spend the end of everything (Earth) together because it's just the beginning of our entangled infinity together.

Skitt: What it feels like to love them today

I love them and it's killing me.
Which I'm sure if said before.
I didn't learn the first time.
So I came back for some more.
I love them and it's killing me.
So one would think I would quit.
That would be the smart thing to do.
Everyone advises me to end it.
I love them and it's killing me.
High blood pressure induced by stress.
Heart-stopping anxiety.
Nights wrought with nightmares and sleeplessness .
I love them and it's killing me.
My brain screaming let them go.
A heart that only beats for them.
Feet frozen with indecision in limbo.
I love them and it's killing me.
Because I won't breakup .
Because I can't walk away.
Because I don't know how to give up .
I love them and it's killing me.
A love a derived from my core.
A love that I can feel in my bones.
A love every fiber in my being bore.
I love them and it's killing me.
In a way only music understands.
And as poetic as Shakespeare.
The foundation upon which art stands.
I love them and it's killing me
So I guess I'll have to die.
Love with every drop of blood.
I won't waste my last breath on goodbyes.

Here Lies Love

Skittles: life update 3/7/19

I'm dating Latka. I'm not in school. I'm applying for a job I don't know if I want. Taking my meds everyday is not currently happening. I don't work that often. I have a lot of friends that I don't see in person. I have a lot of anxiety over one person in my life. I'm still hurting. I don't have a friend that I go out and party with. I have wine nights every month. I'm looking for a new "friend". I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to therapy. I've stopped crying. I have feelings for Lovely that I can't shake. I miss Vendetta and regret giving her that name. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm definitely touch starved. I keep dreaming that Amoriartii dies and it ruins me. I am indifferent about dying and reluctantly living. I'm trying to lose weight. I spend my time being really gay.

Skittles: day 103

Hi, my name is J Skittles, and I'm addicted to love.
It's been 103 days since I've actively pursued Amoriartii. In that time I've pined, I've written to them (didn't send), I thought about them, stalked their Facebook and Instagram, I've typed out messages and deleted them, I stared up at the Moon hoping that they were looking at it too, I've missed them, I've longed for them, dreamed about them, cried about them, made myself sick over them, made excuses to talk to them, and watch them from across the room. In short recovery is not going well. In addictions anonymous the steps are basically all the same. I am still on step 1. My life has become unmanageable. I'm sick on admitting to being powerless. I don't know if there is really a line between addiction and love. I hear people would kill for what they're dicted to, but I think people would also kill for the ones they love. The struggle is between calling it an addiction and calling Amoriartii my soulmate. It feels like I just know that we could work. I think it's supposed to be terrifying. I think you're supposed to have to change. I think it's supposed to make you better. All of that would have to happen for Amoriartii and I to be together. We have to learn to talk and trust. We have to do those two things that scare us the most. Everything else is just so easy, it just falls into place, its effortless. Or I'm a crazy delusional addict. It's never going to work and I have to let it go. Hope, optimism, faith. Despair, pessimism, facts. I don't know which one is reality.
Thank you

Daily struggles

I'm upset that pop music about love, relationship, and heartbreak since November 2018 have been about my relationship with Amoriartii

Skitt: What does love feel like?

For me love usually feels different for each person. But I'll talk about the many faces and shapes my great loves took. I would say that I have been in a relationship with 3 of the people I've ever felt "great love" for Kimmie, Amoriartii, and Vendetta, respectfully. I think other than all feeling relatively the same that these "great loves" are like love of a lifetime. It is a powerful, strong, and distinct feeling. My love for them came from ever fiber of my being. My love for them was so intense the emotion had a physical manifestation. I could feel it just as much as I could feel getting kicked in the shin.

Loving them felt like longing. I wanted to be with them as much as possible and I missed them when we were a part. Loving them felt like motivation. I was so efficient when I was with them. I got my homework done early so that I could be with them. I worked hard to be able to buy them nice things. I wanted to be my best for them. I would move mountains with no hesitation, they didn't even have to ask. It looked like constant consideration. I planned my schedule around time dedicated to them. I would see things that they might like and just buy them. It felt exciting. I was always giddy to see them. It felt happy.  It felt like having butterflies in your stomach. I was always so nervous around them. I didn't want to mess up. I wanted the kiss to be just right. I wanted to keep the right place when we were walking. I didn't want to hold thier hand too tight. It felt right. I never had any doubt that we weren't meant to be. When I was with them it felt like that was exactly where I was suppose to be in that moment. I knew that each of them were right for me despite how they ended. If I could choose not do be with them to avoid the heart ache after, I would still choose to be with them. It felt inspiring. How could I be better every day. How can I show them I love them. It felt sexy. To be wanted and to lust for them was addicting. It felt passionate. Fire running through my body wouldn't have made my blood as hot as it was for them. It felt like admiration. Most of the time I could just look at them and say " Wow! What an amazing human." I respected each of them so much. It looked like making them 1 of my top priorities. Keeping them in mind always influenced my decisions. It felt like distress. Watching the person you love struggle or be in pain is harder than experiencing it yourself. All I wanted to do was make it better and I was often powerless to do so. It felt like understanding. For the most part, I feel like they all understood me and where I was at their approximate time in my life. Love can feel like a warm peaceful filling feeling would just come over me.

There was one love, I won't call it's a "great love" but it sticks out in my head. It was different from the ones above. My love for Godric was calm and steady. My love for him felt safe. My love for him felt comfortable. It felt easy. The love I had for him put me at ease. My love for him felt peaceful. It wasn't a feeling that overcame me. Sometimes love feels like the emotion it's taking over you in a rather forceful way. This wasn't like that. The love wasn't imposing. It didn't take over my life. The love was passive. The love felt inviting and nice.

It hard to describe what it feels like to think about the same person for a period of time everyday you wake up, through the day, and right before you go to sleep. For me it's almost always sudden, like being hit by a giant wave. Then the feeling just grows and gets stronger everyday. Love songs start making sense. When you're in love you understand poetry and art about love. You want the best for them, more than you want the best for yourself. You would do anything to keep them from harm. To know you would sacrifice everything for them. Their love for you is your most precious possession. You would die for them, but more importantly you would live for them. Love can be a person's whole reason for living. I kept a text on my phone that said "I love you", just in case I got into a life threatening situation and was dying. I wanted them to know my last thought in this world would have been about them and I would want my last words to be telling them I loved them. I kept a letter detailing my love for them in my stuff at home just in case I died and couldn't tell them beforehand. Love is more addictive than any drug I've tried. Love can be the motivation behind the strongest frustrations. To love some and let them know is one of the bravest acts a person can do. Loving someone is to be vulnerable. Loving someone is to trust. Love caused the worst pain I've ever felt but it was worth it.

Skittles: The year I lost love

Trigger and content warning: Suicide, self-harm, weight, pounds, and suicidal ideation

This year has taken everything out of my. I spent most of the year not drowning but not staying afloat either. I lost the two people I romantically loved. Losing their presence in my life drain me off ability to see the color of the world. I lost the music. I stopped listening to music for a long time. All music was just an auditory representation of my pain. I self isolated and left my community it off fear. I fell out of communication with a number of my friends. I got so low and became so broken that I have to look up to see rock bottom. I've spent this year sinking in my own despair. This pass year has been devoid of meaning and purposes. All I did this year was suffer, whether through external or self infliction.

Pain has been a strict but just teacher. I had to face my fear of imperfection in the public eye. I wasn't crucified. I had to own up to my mistakes and deal with the consequences. The duel heart breaks forced me to admit my wrongs with humility. I've gotten better at being vulnerable with those I trust out of necessity. I've become more aware of how my actions effect others. I'm more considerate of others feelings. I had to go most of this year alone and I'm now more selfreliant. The most important thing all of the hurt taught me was patience.

I spent a good amount of time this year crying. When I couldn't cry any more I started sitting alone in the cold, dark, rain, or shower. When I couldn't sit anymore I walked. When walking didn't work I tried to sleep. My insomnia came back and nothing could soothe me I started cutting again starting with my toes and fingers. Its easy to fixate on something that was an old bad habit. Anything to temporally forget about the pain in my chest.

I have been at my worst this year. I have been on more suicide watches than I have taken trips this year. I couldn't leave the my room alone much less the state. It's been stressful for my siblings and my best friend. I try very hard not to stress my friends so much this year. I cut them off to keep from over burdening. I have gotten better, but no where near where I was. I use to believe I shouldn't want to die. I use to believe it was wrong to want to die. I currently don't want to be alive and apathetically/indifferentlly living. I'm not going to kill myself but not because I don't want to. I'm not going to go out of my way to kill myself. I'm not going to go out get whatever I need, look up instructions, say goodbye, write a note, or any of that. If it's not laid out for me I'm not going to do it.

A few good things did happen this year. Lovely and I are much better. I came out publicly as non binary this year. I've been going by a different name for most of the year. I've been binding my chest more and wearing more masculine clothes. That has been nice. I even told my mom and she took it very well. I also got a dog. She has helped a lot. I've only had her for the last two weeks but I've laughed, smiled, and sang more than I have all year. She makes me feel less alone, empty, sad, and dead. She's amazing. Her nickname is snoot snoot.

I gained weight. To much currently but I'm no longer under weight. I use to be 125 pounds (56.69 kg). I'm 5'4 by the way. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been at 185 pounds (83.91kg). None of my clothes fit. I'll be starting my new job soon so hopefully I'll slim back down to something healthy. I've been basically physically healthy this year. I have an on going hormone imbalance and my insides tried to fall out of me again. Prolapse is soooo much fun. I am also currently suffering from, and I'm not kidding, Broken Heart Syndrome. My doctors don't understand it. Broken Heart Syndrome usually resolves itself with treatment with in a few days. I however, have been lucky enough to have recurring attacks going on 3 weeks now. I'll keep you posted but the last word was stay in the heat medicine and go to therapy.

Due to my achy breaky heart I haven't gotten back out there. I don't want to rebound. I would hate myself for using some as an emotional fix then when I feel better leave them. I do miss the physical contact. I love to snuggle and the lack of human touch has done a number on me. I've slowly started to see friends again and it has made a difference to be with them. I didn't realize how touch starved I had gotten. Holding hands is like coming up for air after being held under for what seems like forever. Little things I took for granted and then unintentionally removed from my life are a breath of fresh air to have back.

To say that my feelings got the best of me this year would be an understatement. I was paralyzed by my feelings. Held captive by my feelings. Tortured by my feelings. Drowned in my feelings. Haunted by my feelings. My mind has been a scary place that I was able to avoid. I was trapped in my head, abused by my own emotions, exploited by my fears. I lived in my nightmares: not being loved, having no one who will let me love them, abandoned/ rejected by those I loved and cared about, weak and vulnerable to my enemies, attacked publicly, having my reputation tarnished, knowing no one cares about me. When I finally got the courage to climb out from under my rock it turned out I had greatly amplified the severity in my head. I did have to face the public but I was not villainized. I was never alone and my people still loved me, despite my disbelief.

This coming year I've want to pick up the pieces of my life. I have a lot of healing to do. I ran out of tears along time ago but I'm just now running out self pitty. I'm going to take a page from older Japanese culture and fix myself up really nice. Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver, platinum, and other precious metals. From what I have learned this art was highly influenced by religion, specifically Buddhism and Shintoism, represented by Mottainai. The phrase Mottainai roughly means "what a waste." Why throw away what could be fixed, repurposed, or recycled? When you add the aesthetic concept wabi-sab of accepting  what's transient, ephemeral, and imperfect you get Kintsukuroi. I'll put myself together with all the silver and gold.

I fell. I shattered. I learned. Now I'm going to heal. I'm going to put myself back together. I'm going to bear my scars proudly. I hope they never let me forget what I learned this year. But it is time to move on.