Daily struggle

You're not really one of my romantic tragedies until you have a song that breaks my heart ever time I listen to it

Kimmie: Emotional Rollercoaster, Its not over
Noche: Sleeping with a Broken Heart
Gordic: Between the Raindrop
Inferno: Moonshine, Guerillas
Amoriartii: Lay me Down

Skit: If J-Skittles was your Valentine.

If I was your valentine I would buy you an extravagant assortment of chocolates... then eat half of them. I would also get you flowers even though I think the mass commercialization of romance plays right into the corrupt capitalist system and is very heteronormative. It wouldn't be roses unless they were black or rainbow. I would put more thought into the flowers I got you. Something that speaks to who I think you are or what you mean to me. I would take you shopping so we could pick out what to wear to dinner. We could go thrift shopping or be irresponsible on the magnificent mile, it wouldn't matter to me either way. We would put our loot in the car then just get on the train. We would sight see in part of the city we had never been too. Just get crazy lost until both of our phone batteries almost died. We would stop into a local coffee shop to warm up and charge our phones. Over my hot chocolate and your tea we would talk about which little gallery or unrated museum we would want to go to next. If it was close we would bike or walk. But if its far be both say screw that and take the bus. If I was your valentine I would ask you challenging questions about the exhibits. I would want to understand how you think and see the world. I would watch you look at each different piece, probably sneaking a couple of photos of you looking breath taking pensive. If I was your valentine we would go out to dinner at the spot I've had dinner reservations to for the pas 3 months. We would split a bottle of wine which would worry you because I am driving. If I was your valentine we would probably argue over who got to pick up the check, only for you to find out that I slipped the waiter my card on the way in. There would be a car waiting for us after dinner to take us dancing. I love to dance and it makes you laugh to watch me try to dance well. We would dance the night away. Get a cab back to the car and go home. If I was your valentine valentines day wouldn't just be one day. In the morning I would make you breakfast all fancy like just the way you like it. We would do our morning workout because we push each other to be healthily and I love that about us. Getting ready for the day you would sing in the shower and I be your backup vocalist while I brushed my teeth. We would dance while we got dressed just like we do every morning when we're feeling ourselves. I would give sassy looks and sexy winks while you did your face in the mirror. I would check you out while you checked yourself out before we left. I would check you out while you checked me out while I gave myself the once over. I would kiss you and grab your but while we walked out the door, because we both like a little ass play in the morning. Then we would go to the airport, singing most of the way there between our conversations of where to go. If I was your valentine would get on a plane to somewhere warm. No suitcases, no reservations, no plans just winging it. The entire time we were gone you would have a hard time relaxing and that would annoy me. Just let go of your responsibilities already. We would ultimately get in a fight on the way home. I would not speak to you for the duration of the trip home. You would feel bad for ruing my romantic gesture. You would feel even worse when you go home and saw the candles, the music, wine, and the cute fluffy soft things. You would feel so bad when you started reading the all cute cards I got you and wrote in cuz I couldn't pick just one. You would find a pair of concert tickets to your favorite band in one of those cards and think to yourself how thoughtful I am, and how wrong you are. The hand made blanket that has all the different ways you tell me you love me stitched on it would be the icing on the cake. You would just be about to call me when you notice that there's no chocolate. You would start to wonder why I haven't called you to apologize yet because we are both at fault. Just before you thought yourself into an all out rage there would be a knock at the door. Its me to say I'm sorry. If I was your valentine I would have an extravagant assortment of chocolates to apologize to you... then eat half of them.

This valentine's day I spent it at a conference but I did have a valentine, my best friend, Husband number 7. He and I spent sometime together on Friday and then I spent Sunday night with him too. I miss him greatly and I hate to be so far away from him. He misses cuddling with me and much as I miss cuddling. It has actually screwed up his sleep not having me there. I find great amusement in that. Anyway his valentine to me read:

Roses are red
My meth is blue
I've killed a lot of people but I haven't killed you <3

Mine to him was as follows:

Te:
   Amo
√quila
Because they both mean basically the same thing ;)

All and all great valentines day. I hope you all spent it with someone who loves you just as much as you love them

Daily struggle

Dear Facebook friends,

I am sorry I have not been sufficiently stalking you. I have been busy with things and stuff, you know details. Anyway I promise to resume my creepy over observant "but I'm not a stalker" tendencies after April...... Maybe...

Serious compliant, I kid you not: J how do you not know what's going on in my life? Its all over my Facebook, I an surprised you didn't message me about it. I subscribe to your Facebook to you not follow me? "umm, No..."

I am subscribed to my inner circle plus like inner circle back ups (just in case of unfortunate demises of any inner circle people) so like 6 people.  And they don't post that much.

Skit: Room 515

A huge part of whether or not my conference experience is positive or negative hinges on my roommates. I am a highly empathic, emotionally intuitive, and feeling person. Which sucks because my least favorite thing to do is talk about how I feel. However, it works because I don't come off this way at all. Unfortunately, all of this kind of come out when you room with me. I need to be comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed as you, which means I have to let my guard down at least a little. Sharing a hotel room with me is a very personal experience. I don't choose roommates lightly. I roomed with Potato and Amoriartii. Potato is a good friend of mine. Shy, multi-talented, funny, keeps me in line, and easy to get along with. I would share my kitchen with them any day. That's a huge compliment by the way. I spent most of my down time with them, a huge emotional support/ sounding bored. I can just be myself with them, and I was. If you're wondering what my true self is like imagine a deviant 5 year old who is defiantly smarter than a 5th grader. I spent a good amount of time just playfully invading Potato's space. We giggled, a lot!! Just general juvenile merriment. While my relationship and interactions with Amoriartii are complex, professional and slightly more mature, but not much. Be still my beating heart that quickens past a flutter whenever he's in the room. I can't quite relax or be myself when it’s just the two of us. I always find myself pulling away from them because I don't want to trust my own desire to get close.  I spent most of my time across the room from them, directly in with their line of sight, and more often than not with potato in the middle. Now that I think about I was always in very powerful poses. Amoriartii and Potato were relaxed but I was in control. Quick digression. In About Face Youth Theater I learned how to read a room and give the setting based on the actors’ movements. It is really a complex thing. Anyway, I find that when all three of us were in the room if someone came in and ask who was in charge, based on how we were posed; it would probably fall to me. I think that set up a strange dynamic for he and I and it defiantly affected the way we interacted this weekend. But I think he forgives me for it. It’s so interesting to watch us all interact under such extreme pressures as a queer conference. I would love for someone to do a psych us it would be very interesting. But for now you’re stuck with my analyst. I am leader, shot caller, organizer, what I say goes. With that said I have a loose grip on things. I'm pretty easy going. I coordinate between my roommates to make sure that everyone wants and desires are for filled. Thank God Potato is easy going to and I only have to deal with one diva that is Amoriartii. Potato is most defiantly a middle ground peace keeping type of person.  They keep me centered. I think they are a little too calm for Amoriartii. Amoriartii is best described as a super fierce drag queen who is also an engineer. The ego is massive. But let it also be known that my ego is also massive. Been there, done that, know everything kinds of sets me apart from a lot of people. However, I've been dealing with the ego thing since High school so I've learned I am not inherently better that anyone else. I've gotten more than a healthy dose of humility. I have learned to celebrate, admire, and appreciate the things that set us apart. I understand that without living someone's life I cannot judge its worth nor is it ever really my place to do so.  Amoriartii is learning how to handle the admiration and stay a person. So what does any of this have to do with the conference? A great deal actually we as roommates establish a space that all of us can retreat from the conference and feel safe. We talk to each other and check in to make sure that we are okay. We make sure we eat. We share some laughs and some snuggles. I almost want to put our room on display and say this is how you have a healthy conference hotel room. For two nights and three days it is our home away from home and it is everything a home should be. Loving, warm, inviting and a place for each of us. It is very hard to leave at the end of the conference and I find that I go through a decent amount of emotional crashing when I leave. But because my roommates are literally the best people I don’t have to go through it alone. We check in and support each other from afar. We debrief and talk about everything from the workshops to our interpersonal relations. Even though I close the door to my hotel with a heavy heart, I know that I leave with some great memories and some beautiful people who will be ready to do this again anytime. The resolve I get from knowing our bond is unbreakable is beyond words. I wish I could show you all the adorable selfie we took night one of us all cuddled up together but I think it is best that the three of us keeps something to ourselves. Instead, I will share the song we discover right as we were checking out and hope you can imagine the somber feelings that came over us in the elevator.

Skit: MBLGTACC'15

I have never been so sore after a conference. Now I know what you're thinking, J, you did something right at this conference if you are so sore. Or, J, you did something so wrong it was right at this conference. To both naughty opinions I say I wish. If only I that were the case. I think it must have been the heels and the swimming. And even if it wasn't that is my story and I am sticking to it. A day in the life of Skittles at MBLGTACC goes pretty much as follows:

• 6:00 am wake up and swim
• 6:45 shower and get ready
• 7:00 wake up the roommates
• 7:30 breakfast
• 8:00 depart for conference
• 8:15 workshop (consent)
• 9:30 workshop (sign langue)
• 11:00 back to the Hotel to change rooms and grab lunch
• Noon Find missing roommate and do a little work
• 2:30 nap/ relax/ recharge time
• 3:30 depart hotel for conference 
• 3:45 workshop (Ace/Aro)
• 5:00 workshop (are you queer enough)
• 6:30 Dinner with the crew
• 6:45 car trouble (I changed a tire)
• 7:45 back to the conference
• 8:30 back to the hotel to prepare for drag show
• 9:30 drag show
• 10:30 Dance
• 1:00 to the hotel to sleep?????

Every year I get pre-conference jitters. I know I have nothing to worry about or to be nervous about I never present a workshop or anything like that. But without fail every year I wake up on the first day of the conference bouncing off the walls. To calm down and get some piece of mind, I go for a swim. It's important to self-care during these conferences because it is really easy to get overwhelmed or burnt out. The last thing you want is to miss everything because your head wasn't in the right place. I start every day of a conference with self-care. Then I wake up the lazy bones that are my roommates. I am kind of controlling and I like to have a plan of action to face the day. I can't make a plan of action for my day without taking my roommates into consideration. In the morning we sing, dance, chat, and plan to split up room time. I love this part of the day. I get to bond with my roomies and we pick out fierce outfits together. By the time breakfast roles around we are strutting out the room, feeling good, and looking like divas. Breakfast is important, it is part of self-care and eating is generally a good idea. Think about it, I spend about 19 hours out and on my feet. If you don't eat and stay hydrated at these things it really take a toll on your body. To be blunt, your body would start to quit on you before you even got to the fun part.

My first workshop was on consent, a topic that really interests me. There was excellent material presented in the workshop that I would go on to use 24 hours later. Everything in workshop generally focused around asexuality and consent in different sexual situations. My take away from it was that we still haven't quite perfected the consent model given the fact that the current one requires full disclosure.

Second workshop was on queer sign language. If you don't know I have taken four semesters of sign language. I love the language, but not because of its aesthetics or anything like that. The presenter in the workshop was funny and great at addressing serious material in a comical way without taking anything away from the point they tried to make. One of the points they made was that people fetishize deafness and ASL. Yes, people who truly understand a language may think its beautiful, but most hearing people just like ASL for the way it looks. I am not one of those people and that is why I attended the workshop. ASL eliminates a lot of unnecessary words and has a very flexible grammatical structure. It is a full body language that, in my opinion, does a better job at conveying expression than "spoken" language. So I jumped on a chance to not only discuss disability, privilege, and the cultural differences between hearing and deaf, but also queer sign words that I probably won't learn in an academic setting. I learned fabulous, rainbow, bisexual, gender fluid, and coming out. They are pretty queer sign.  Plus oppression and sleep around. ;)

During the break I had to support my friend. There are some pretty tough workshops and there are defiantly a lot of trigging things that can come up. This is why I never go a conference alone. Things happen and you need people to support you. This is why I have roommates. I support and affirm my friends. That means different things for different people. For this particular friend it means silent walks back to our hotel. We dance and sing and care for each other. I feel for them and when they hurt I hurt too. I care about both of my roommates which is why went to find the lost one then we bonded as a room. It was great but by three because I didn't nap I was crashing.

I fell asleep in my asexual/ aromatic workshop. It wasn't boring it was well designed and funny but I was so sleepy. It got very testy at the end because the A in MBLGTACC currently stands for ally and the asexuals want their letter back which pissed off the allies. But the community includes the queer and allies aren't part of the community they support it, and stand up for the community. An ally doesn't need a gold star or a letter. They are happy just to be with the community they want to stand by the community no matter what. Whoever gets mad isn't a real ally. When the community say shut up because we are speaking the ally shuts up. Simple, just like that. 

The last workshop was about horizontal oppression, which I desperately relate to. I 

Am bisexual but I am either a lesbian or straight but nobody believes I am who I say I am. I am bisexual and somewhere between demisexual and greysexual. Then my romantic identity is hella complicated. My take away from this was something that Ms. Cox mentioned on the first night of the conference, Hurt people hurt people. The workshop forced me not only to look at what I was being horizontal oppressed about but what I oppress other people about. I know as a bisexual how awful it feels to have your identity questions so why do I do it to other bisexuals? It is not my job or my place to enforce my understanding of the identity on to others. There is no one right way to be Bi, there is no one right way to be any indemnity, but I think we forget that until we say it out loud.

The end of the conference was just general fun time. I think this is the part of the conference that everyone comes for, learning something is just icing on the cake. I got to meet more people from my old university and bond with them over car trouble, pro quo. I deeply miss my U of I friends and I get uncontrollably giddy when I get to see them. As debauchery ensued I knew that I would be able to look back on the conference, the ups and the downs and write it off as a positive one for the books. I think any Midwestern Queer extroverted college student should attend this conference at least once. I say extroverted because a lot of the great take aways from this conference come with interacting with students from other campuses. Introverts are welcomed to the conference I plan on writing an Introverts guide to MBLGTACC after 2016s’, which is taking place at Purdue. But is defiantly a different experience, and any introvert should have a plan for self-care and how to handle the amount of people in place before hand. I know I didn’t mention it but the other people I met at this conference, the discussions I had led to all of the deep thinking I do post conference. I don’t come up with this stuff on my own. I live it then I write about it in hopes too make you curious enough to check it out. Stop being envious of my life and go. I am excited for my fourth Mumble next year at Purdue and I hope many new faces join us. 

Skittles: consent and consenting

Saturday I attend a conference called Midwestern Bisexual Lesbian Gay Trans Ally Collegiate Conference, MBLGTACC (pronounced Mumble-tac). It is a conference I have been going to for three years now and I always manage to take something away from the 48 hour experience. Sunday's lesson was consent. I plan to write three more posts about my three day excursion, one for Valentine’s Day, one on the conference as a whole, and one on my two roommates (Potato and Amoriartii). Today’s was the last day and I woke up in a strange mental and emotional space. For the past two nights I have been sharing a room with my friend Amoriartii, who I am tragically in love with. If sharing a living space with someone doesn't put a strain on a relationship, living with them and having unrequited feelings for them does. I find that for the most part I am able to keep my romantic feelings for them separate from our friendship and be the good friend. It's not the easiest thing when we are staying together, but I make it work by preventing myself from entering into situations that put me in emotionally compromising positions. Now it’s a hotel room and it’s during a gay conference, I know that my roommates are hooking up. That is why we talk, plan, and divide the room time. I would prefer my roommates didn't bring people back to the room while I was there, but if they aren't engaging in any sort of sexual activity then there presence doesn’t bother me. I have roomed with Amoriarttii many times and I know how they work. But Saturday was particularly hard for them and I was kind of worried.  So against my better judgment, I let them bring a boy back to the room for what was supposed to be cuddling. Now like I said we talk and our hotel room only functions because everyone in said hotel room speaks up for themselves. We are not mind readers and if someone wants something they have to say it. Also, just because we said we are okay with it at the moment doesn't mean we will be okay with it later, so we are also allowed to withdraw consent at any moment.  Consent and continuing to check in to ask for consent is a big deal for us. So what should have happened is as soon as cuddling became more than cuddling I should have said something, but let’s be realistic nobody wants to be that person. This brings me to something me and Amoriartii study and attempt to practice a lot, practiced consent. Like I said, our hotel room wouldn't function without proper consent dialogue. But I went to a workshop at MBLGTACC called the consenting asexual that explored the different philosophies of consent. One philosophy in particular looks at what’s not being said. People tend not to fully disclose their feelings for whatever reason and when a person consents but doesn't fully disclose their feelings about the activity that they are consenting to it really isn't consent. For example:

 Jay likes Alex and Alex like Jay but really isn't that into to sex. Jay wants to enter into a relationship with Alex with the expectation that a sex will be a component of this relationship. Alex enters into the relationship because they do really like Jay but don't tell them how they feel about having sex because they are afraid to lose Jay all together.  In that situation, neither party is really engaging in informed consent because Alex is keeping things from Jay so Jay cannot make an informed decision. Also, Alex feels pressured into the relationship out of fear of losing Jay, thus consent through indirect coercion,

This brings me back to my situation. There are three people in my room (not including the other person partaking in the sex), Amoriartti, Potato, and myself. Every in the room has to consent to consent every step of the way. First off Potato couldn't do that because they fell asleep. So they consented to cuddle but when it became more than cuddling there was no longer consent. I like Amoriartti; I want them to be happy, however, sex makes me uncomfortable, and I get mad jealous. My fears are that by ruining this for them that I push them farther away, when I just really want them to be closer. Amoriartti doesn't know how uncomfortable sex makes me because I haven't told them. Given how I feel plus lack of conversation means I can't give consent. My consent in the situation was emotionally extorted from me and I kind of think Amoriartii knows that, but for the sake of this discussion will give them the benefit of the doubt. Nobody could really give consent because I wasn't forthcoming with information and Potato was sleep. This creates a problem we tried to eliminate at the beginning, that nobody is a mind reader.  We all must say not only what is on our minds, but what we feel. I don't know about you, but I find that part particularly challenging. I am very divide and sometimes at conflicted with how I feel given the fact that I like Amoriartti but we are just friends, who also run an international organization together. Our relationship is a little complex. So when they ask my consent to do something how do I answer?  As the person who has romantic feelings for them, I would have said no. I get crazy jealous and I don't want to have to deal with the emotions that come with that. As their friend I would have said yes initially because everyone loves to cuddle, but as soon as it became more than that I would have said no. Sex makes me really uncomfortable and I would have liked it to stop. As their boss and handler I would have said yes, because it’s good for their image and ego. Like I said they were having an off day and I was worried about them and what better way to cheer up. I have three different ways of assessing the situation, each with its own agenda and priorities. How do you give informed consent in complex situations? This experience taught me that no is the easy way out. When in doubt say no, but sometimes you must have the courage to have the difficult conversations.  That way everyone can make the best informed decision. Hard conversations lead to the best outcome for informed consent conversations.

Daily struggle

Me: Body are you ready!! First class @ 9am, 3 hour travel to the airport, hop on a flight @ 2pm, land in Denver @5pm, Run through @6pm, CC @8pm, shenanigans @midnight, sleep?, leave CC@7, airport @ 8am, flight @9am, land @ 11am, Work @3pm, leave work @ 8pm, party @9pm, sleep?, work @9am, sleep @ 8pm.

Body: Ha! You thought! Bitch we're sick so sit your doing the most ass down and go to bed. You ain't goinin' nowhere

Me:.... Okay :( *cough**cough*

Daily struggles

Blizzard here plus a snow storm in Denver means I couldn't get out or in if I tried. Plus I'm sick so I can't even get out of bed. All bets of me going to #CCDenver15 are off

Skit: KU reconnaissance

Before we start this post I must catch you up on my life and reveal a more inmate truth. Since I broke up with my last serious girl friend (I might have called her Noche I don't remember) I have more or less abstained from sex. ( more being I say I haven't had sex since April 2012 less being there was like one or two slip ups that I almost regret) I like being abstinent for the most part. The only thing is sexual things now make me uncomfortable. The thought of kissing someone is dam near terrifying.  So I usually shy away from anything and all things SEX. I bet your wondering but you went to that sex party last week. Well it wasn't really a sex party. It was a BDSM party for queer people of color. I don't know if I mentioned this but I run a kink organization. So I, the sexual introvert, went to a BDSM party and had a blast. I made a flogger and whip. I watch a lot of interesting scenes. I ate a lot of snacks and watched some porn in the porn room. And I learned a lot. BDSM is all about consent and communication.  There was so much talking and positive body affirmation. Despite being half naked and way out of my comfort zone I was oddly at ease. The space was made to be inviting and everyone was nice. There was a demo by a professional dominatrix that showed you how to properly use all types of equipment. Overall a really great night. Now why was I there? Other than to try something new like I said a run a kink organization. My bored is made up of 2 dominate people, one person who switches, and a submissive person.  Then there is me the head of this bored and not kinky at all. Now in my org. I mostly dress up sexy and do all the administrative work. I get to wear negligee and thong to my meetings :).  But I wanted to know how to grow it. I want to do more than workshops and conferences. I want to make a space for queer people that is safe for minorities and all gender identities. I want to have meet up and play party's. But like I said I'm not kinky so I have no idea how to do any of this. So I go events I talk to people and I learn. I find they best way to learn something is to do it. I believe in hands on learning so I went to that party to make connections and do some undercover work... under the covers.