Skit: We Just Reformed This Right? It Should Work now Right?

Dear Health Care System,
       You're 2 n' 0 today. You are on a roll...down a hill... with spikes, thorns, broken glass, and needles... to the hell that your God sends unborn baby killers to, because little known fact its a one hell fits all kind of deal. First off my body, and I know I know, I'm just a pretty little lady who doesn't know how to do anything but bear children and make sandwiches. you feel like as the superior gender it is your duty to protect me and make all the decisions for me, plus it will help me for fill my life's purpose as a women right? Here is a crazy thought, I don't want to have children but I like having sex. I want to have lots of sex and not get pregnant. Just try to understand that and also understand that it doesn't make a slut and I am not a whore. ( please don't let your mind be blown in the house we women folk just mopped). There are so many lovely little medical treatments that helps me not have babies and if its the generic version it cost a lot less than prenatal care, the hospital bill for the delivery, and the insurance for the child up until its 22 (I think). I could get these contraceptives from 10 til 60 ( is that when the change starts?) and it would cost less than all the babies I would have had if I didn't have the meds. But go ahead with your cost saving measures and your religion. ( can't wait for paid maternity leave to become a thing in the coming years.) I would also like to congratulate you on your discovery of a treatment process that cures and rehabilitated patients suffering from the debilitating diseases within five sessions. I now request to approved to see doctors at that medical facility that is with in my area and is convenient for me to see. 
Sincerely,
J-Skittles

#yesallwomen
#yesallmen
#wearementalillness
#ourscarsarereal

Daily struggles

Not being able to go to pride :( today because I had to work

Daily struggles

This feeling :(  when should be happy

Skit: Always have a plan Be

So about a year ago I unknowingly signed up for a lesbian dating group. Come to think of it I get into a lot of things without fully understand the consequences but that's neither here nor there. I have been a member of the group for about 2 and half years and haven't been able to attend a single event until this evening.  Though there is no doubt in my mind that I am being judged and analyzed for being so much younger than the ladies of the group I think they might like me or at least let me come back. I do rather enjoy them and will probably go back. I like the group, its a nice to be around such mature women ( mostly of color). I mostly talked to one of the couple's daughter she is was 13. As a swim instructor I send most of my time around kids, so it was easy to talk to her. They might find that strange but its just a product of who I spend most of my time around. There are two single women in the group. They don't seem to have any interest in each other or me. They might not talk to me because I'm new and young they might speak more when I come around more often. All and all, I have one more way to meet people and maker friend doing less of the standard going out to a bar thing ( which I feel is awkward and impersonal anyway). this relaxing intimate social gathering of ladies is perfect for my shy socially awkward self.

Skit: I should write a post about pride

Let me first take a deep breath before I try to sketch out a rough picture of what remains unseen to the rest of the world. Activist like artist create and recreate the word around them. Where they might use paint and color we use words and knowledge to show people the world around them. Fall down the rabbit hole to see that you have really been living in a wonderland and this is the world actually. It is with a heavy heart and sighs of regret that I write about this. I love pride, I do. All of the people having a great time, the drinking, the rainbows, all the glitter, none of the clothes, the dancing, its really one giant party. You meet people who are either there to watches the spectacle, support queers, or are queer and you bond with them. Making a connection with a random stranger is forever priceless; and I feel like that is the one redeeming quality of modern day pride. I have a great appreciation for the human form, especially when dressed scantily and  gyrating around to music. I also enjoy getting wild, kissing random strangers, and being very friendly with everyone but that's not what pride is or suppose to be about. I love free stuff and all the things given away at the parade ( even though they never throw me a freakin shirt all I get are beads). I also enjoy that we as a group are important enough to be targeted by political groups ( it means we vote so yeah us). None of this has anything to do with pride. Pride in my city has been white washed, normalized, domesticated to conformity and commercialized. Safe spaces no longer exist and not everyone welcomed. You have now have to fit into certain boxes and jump through certain hoops in oder to be accepted. When did being proud, standing up for that fact that you have the same rights as anyone else and can be who you are mean changing everything about you to be more like white, gay, cis, men. I hate that we don't talk about the issues anymore and pretend that just because we are allowed to get married in a few places that we have won. Well for all of us who don't have upper class democratic white parents ( mom and dad of course) we still face the struggle of coming out. That war isn't over. What about all the internalized homophobia and the external abusive homophobia we face everyday. That war isn't over. Please don't even get me started on our gender issues, homos our trsns* people are not second class citizens we of all people should not treat them as such. Gender is not entertainment. People should not have to preform for us thus conforming to some form of societies gender roles. If they say they are then they are. Trans* issues are our issues we are one community and can not stand divided. That is a war we are having with ourselves and that sure as hell isn't over.  Let's talk about sexism and how misogynistic the community is. Then let's flip the coin and talk about our problems with how we define masculinity. So many issues that concern gender are not over. And last but not least race because that's always a fun one, its more than just grindr people. We are like freakin' swiss chess when it comes to problems. If we were a ship we'd be the Titanic and the women and children that survived would be the white men because the dead, the rest of us, are forgotten and buried in history at the bottom of the sea never to be herd again. For all that reading we do maybe we need to stand back and take a look the mirror and read that. The real shade is when this whole thing started it was women, it was trans* folks, it was people of color, there wasn't a white person to be seen but now that we've made it  through what might have been worse of times you want to reap all the benefits of our hard labor and leave us out to starve? You can't really enjoy what was never yours and that you know nothing about. Is that why you drink so much, is that why you dance, is that why you keep partying? Are you trying to achieve the same blissful feelings as they did? Do you want a slice out of their happiness pie? Well sorry to break it to you but they were pissed, angry, upset, passionate people who believe that if they all came together that their hate of how thing are could transform things in to how they wanted them to be. You can't fake your way to their high you can't artificially created it either. You will never know what it feels like to change something unless you actually change something. Pride isn't something you have or are entitled to just cuz you're gay. Its something you have worked hard for and continue to fight for everyday of your life. Pride is blood, sweat, and tears. Pride is late nights and long hours of hard work. Pride is making it better. Pride life changing, is remembering where we have come from and how far we still have to go. Open your eyes and see the world around you and question it. When you get an answer, a really good answer and begin to understand it then you can begin your journey to understanding pride.

Daily struggles

Being Done! with romance but still having human emotions that make you want to have a significant other.

Skit: an artistic review

I do honestly believe love is one of the most important basic human needs. I am not saying we all need to be loved there are some happy people out there who don't need or want the love of another person. We all need love in some form. To be loved by another person or animal, to love something you do, to love someone else or animals, or to love yourself and have that be enough love for your lifetime. I think that if we go to long with out a love that for fills us we start to die one way or another. I watched a performance piece called Love in Silence and it inspired me to write this post. It is so interesting that even through they didn't speak everyone one there could tell they were or had been in love. They could probably feel it as so as she opened her eyes and realized who was sitting in front of her. Just to sit in silence with the one you love and connect is so powerful and can move people to tears. Happy tears I would think, just an over flow of such emotions that it cause a physical response. I think love is something every human being can connect and relate to even the very young. I think its one of the first emotions we feel even if we don't understand it. So I think a piece like this touches all of us, helps us better understand the human condition.  Love is powerful, magical, mysterious, highly elusive, expensive, slippery, universal, multilingual, dangerous, euphoric, and silent.

Daily struggles

Hot "lesbian looking" bus drivers.

Skit: side effects

I love drug commercials. Actually I love that I can pause, rewind, slow down, and replay TV. I love to abuse this function on drug commercials. I like looking up the disease and seeing what the symptoms are. Then I compare those symptoms with the side effects and pick which is worse, the drug or the disease. Most of the time its the drug. With depression, the worse the disease can do is make you suicidal. The drugs that treats the depression not only can increase these feelings but can kill you. So they are pretty evenly yoked. However, I am enjoying one of the symptoms or side effects of depression or the drug that treats it. It's the lack of will to do anything but lay in my bed and watch Netflix all day; and even watching Netflix sometimes is too much. Because of this I have watched all of the  Star Trek movies on Netflix and now I am starting the shows. As I write this I feel very content with my life. Never been happier with the symptoms/side effects.

I write so much about how unhappy I am all the time because I am dealing with this. I thought it would be nice to look at some of the things that give me a chuckle.  Like yes, it is bad, but this makes me smile. Its like watching the forest you use to hike in as a child burn to the ground only to see small purple flowers grow from the ashes the next day.

Stay Fierce
J Skittles

Daily struggles

Entertaining fantasies or dreams that are so closely alined with reality but will still never come true.

Daily struggles

Orange is the New Black: The sexism, racism, complete disregard for mental health, all queer issues, the ever stressed relationship between guards and inmates, and the failed education system that is clearly exacerbating shortcomings of the correctional system. Also I hate the main character.

Skitt: triggers and other things that make a hard day harder

Today for work we learned about child abuse and all the various sickening perversions. I think I wanted to leave the room 20 times with in the hour but was only able to leave once. I sat there reading my new jobs policies which talk about if we see something how we have to report it and that made me feel good. I am "saving" a kid from some demented adult. Then we went into what to look for because how are we suppose to notice something if we don't know what it even looks like. They talked about normal thing that kids do that seem strange to us but on the contrary are completely developmentally on par. However we should discourage said behavior any way because even through all kids do it doesn't mean they should. Like trying to undress each other when they play doctor. But other things are abnormal behavior. they listed off some of what is happening to the child to cause this strange behavior. I was just so uncomfortable. *Side note* for those of you who didn't know where this was going let me tell you now, I was abused as a kid. I am not ever going to talk about it more than this post today because it is just to much for me to even think about most days ** I could literally go down the list for every type of abuse except neglect and pick at least 7 of the 10 bullet points and be like yep that was happening to me. The training teaches you the effect of the abuse on the child and how their behavior tends to changes and what that changes looks like. I was so ready to be mad at all the teachers and adults in my life as a child. I wanted to go back and say you had this training and you ignored all the signs. It was happening to me. It was always happening to me and you did nothing. But I wasn't like any of the normal strange behavior. The only bullet points on this section that related to me was:
Some children will try to hid it, or lie to cover up the abuse.
Others will try to act just like everyone else and watch other kids to know what to say.
That's it. I was the one who lied, well, and took cues from other kids. No one would ever know. No one did ever know. It makes me sick to know that there are other kids out there, to smart for there own good,  who are like me when I was a kid and we are failing them. I want to come up with something to reach them but I feel to sick, to far gone, to be able to face the demons in my past and help. Its 8 years later and I still don't talk about it, any of it. No one should know the pain of having been abused as a child. If I ever was to talk about it I would do it only to come up with a new program, a new way to help children, and prevent/ recognize abuse.

What could make your day harder than dealing with monsters of your past. Parents of the present who don't know you or understand you. Okay, this one is a little me fault. My parents don't know me because I don't tell them. But for good reason. If there perfect child was to mess up once and they found out there goes my freedom for all of eternity. I'd rather die than be not be free. Sometime with all the added stress from my parents I would also rather die than deal with them. I am not saying my whole life is a lie, just most of what they know is. There are carefully reworded truths and very delicate pieces of lie. I mean these are lies that are almost the some version of the truth but not quite. So normally if I  keep it short I won't raise my blood pressure and I get to live another day. But sometimes they want to talk about stuff because all of a sudden they have an opinion or feelings about something, that's bad. I either have to change their mind about talking about it or become a great tap dancer and dance on a very thin wire made of ice and its getting hot in here. Both of those situations raise my blood pressure at least 10 marks. I get rashes and zits, I stress bake and if its really bad I'll have an anxiety attack. Those are barrels of fun. My latest story is about school. I quite school recently due to a number of reason but the main one is because it was making my suicidal. I didn't tell them I did this. I didn't tell them I was depressed, or have an auto immune disease, or that I was suicidal. It just slipped my mind ( wanted to make a really dark joke right here but I am going to spare you my morbid sense of humor.) Most of my friends don't know either. A side from this open book blog I am very secretive. I am so done for once any of my friends discover this blog. I don't like to go it alone, I do ask for help, but there wasn't really anywhere for me to turn to. I had people who supported me but nobody who could give me the help I needed at a price I was willing to pay. Like going to my parents means freedom, going to my sisters means pride fame glory and my image. The pride fame and glory is the only thing that keeps me equal or worth keeping around to my sisters. I am always the one they lean on when they need help. I worry that if I lean on them they will shut me out of there lives and think that they are burdening me when I have me own issues. Since I don't trust anyone else enough to talk to I walk through this storm alone. But parents ask questions as they do and sometimes I do find it necessary to tell one of them tiny bits of the truth. I have a step dad, step mom, dad, mom, and a new guy ( he about to marry my mom I don't know what to call him). So sometimes I tell one off them the whole truth, normally the step dad. He is a good listener and doesn't judge me or condemn me. Since we are talking about school mom gets a colorful version of the truth. Dad gets a delicate lie. I don't tell the step mom or new guy anything they are both too new for me to even care about them right now. If I can keep the one I talk to from talking to each other which isn't to hard, they all hate each other, then my life goes back to normal. But mom and dad both think they know what's best for their little girls education and think the other parent is wrong and want to talk about. First off neither of you know me. Mom understand my education and the education system better but dad know my personality and part my recreational life  better. Dad would know some of my friends names but mom would now if I typed that letter or why I did the math that way. Neither of them know enough to decide what's best for me in a school and they can't talk to each other because one they hate each other and two they both know different parts that are almost in conflict of the same story. I say almost because if they were to compare notes both of them would think I lied, which I did kinda. However, if you really smart and evil like I am and if you really listen you would see that they actually almost tell the whole story and that with a couple of piece of information they work perfectly together. So I am trying hard to avoid being royalty screwed and they are trying very hard to get to the bottom of this matter their separate ways.

Daily struggles

The sheer amount of done-ness I am with talking about school with my parents. I simply do not have single fuck left to give. If you don't understand my learning process after 20 then you just aren't going to get it. And its sad that someone needs only to spend a week one on one with me in a learning environment simply watching me and being there to talk back to me, not trying to help (passively observing),  to get how my brain works. But my parents who have been there since my first breath don't get it.