skit: when Velvet comes back

So Velvet and I aren't friends anymore. They decided that due to my job it was too taxing on their mental health. They didn't like being secret friends either. I asked them if I told my job about our friendship if they would want to stay friends and they said no. I don't know how much more of a supportive friend I could be. We've gone through a lot together in this past 10 months. We were incredibly close and I am heartbroken and distraught that we aren't friends anymore. My therapist asked me what I would do if they came back and so that's what the rest of this is going to be about.

If Velvet came back I don't think I would care. They have pushed me away too many times for me to take them back again. I never stop being friends with people if we don't talk because to me we're still friends. Even if I don't see the person I still consider them a friend. If we stop being friends then you're dead to me and you're worse off than a stranger. For me an ex-friend is someone I used to love and no longer have a place for in my heart thus no longer have room for my life. The only way I know how to make it stop hurting when a friend leaves is to basically kill them off mentally. I mourn them as if they died and they don't exist anymore to me. It won't be any different for them. I want it to be easier because I feel like I should be preparing for their death. They keep telling me that they're going to die. But it's different losing them when they're still alive and they only have so much longer. I feel like it makes it hurt that much more that they don't want to spend the rest of their life with me. So even if they came back and only had a little time left I don't think I could handle losing them as a friend and then them dying. That is too much for me to go through. I can only be destroyed so many times. Its more than just bitterness in me saying you've made your bed now lie in it. I don't want to be friends with somebody who can so easily dispose of me. I can't get past the fact that Velvet knows me and knew this would hurt me and did it anyway. So they say it's for their best it better be because there's no coming back. I hope they can live with their choice because I have made mine. 

Skittles: 12/21/22

This heart stays broken. I'm a constant state of disarray and in need of repair. So much so I'm beginning to wonder what the joys of love feel like. Because the pain is all I remember and it's all too familiar. The pain has made it's self comfortable in my chest. Taken up residence. Made it's self at home. A home of memories that make me cry and triggers that break me down. 

No one can say I didn't love her. Because if this isn't love why does it hurt me so bad. Makes me so mad at myself for not learning the first fifty 'leven times. From not learning from Amoriartii. For failing the test after spending five years making the same mistake. Iwant to be better. 

But there's only pain where my heart use to be. One that's making it harder to love a women who actually wants me. Pain that is only overshadowed by the loneliness of pinning for someone who can never love me the way that I love them. A heart not yet whole and still very much tattared, disassembled. Yet completely distracted by Black Velvet. Maybe if it were whole and healed we could love someone else. We wouldn't cling to the first floating object that came our way like we were drowning. But I'm all honesty we were sort of drowning. Exhausted from trying to keep our head up. Encompassed in the pain. The hollow that would be the loneliness in my bones filled with my pain. Then came Back Velvet like an island respit in the middle of the dark unforgiving ocean. My heart needs them. Especially now in the cold dark. They help me face the void everyday and not give in. Never mind the fact that they don't love me like that. That does add to the hurt but not more than they help me heal. 

I want to get off this island. I want to go back to land. I'm sick of this never ending ocean. I know that when I am actually tired of hurting it will stop, or at least begin to get better. I'm impatient. I want to be better now. I don't want to want to talk to her. I don't want to want to see her. I'm sick of writing about her. I didn't name her so it will be easier to forget her in the future. But here in the present she's always on my mind like a song I can't shake. Even if I'm not actively thinking about her she still there. I can beat cancer but this is insuperable. This feels like a forever love but I hope I'm wrong. 

All I can do is cling to my island and cry I guess. I feel bad for the women who likes me and I can't be bothered to show up. I wonder how I will face the void everyday now that I'm losing black velvet to their relationship. They are being consumed by in which I love for them but hate for me. I'll be all alone left to sink or swim once more. Hurting, crying and alone winter really isn't my season. 

Skittles: why do I like the chaos.

Another therapy assignment. The actually prompt was to write about my feelings for black velvet but this is more comprehensive. 

I was talking about this with Lex. Yes my ex boyfriend Lex. We're really good friends now. I find the chaos and pressure centering. In the madness I find meaning. The chaos exacerbates my problems and reflects the worst in me. If I can figure how to solve this easier lager version I can fix myself.

I'm attracted to the chaos that is black velvet. I know they are unstable. I know they are leaving. I know they are suicidal. I know they only like what unavailable. I know they are self-destructive. I know I can't fix them. That doesn't stop me from wanting to help them, lessen their suffering. I hate to watch people go through something I've already beaten.

 I like the instability and fickle nature. I'll never be board. It's exciting and that's what I'm constantly chasing. Someone interesting enough to hold my attention. Leaving/dying makes them unavailable and God do I just love something I know I can't have. Tell me no and push me away and I'll follow you like the emotionally neglected puppy my mother raised me to be. I'm self destructive too. Because I know going after them will only hurt me. It will leave me broken and crying for months. 

I told black velvet I liked them back in April and they said they weren't interested. Now they are giving me all this attention. It's confusing. Do I accept their advances. Do I do nothing. Do I shut them down. I do still want to sleep with them. But I don't know if I can do that with out really falling for them. 

I want to be close to someone without dating them. I miss the intimacy I had with a friend. We were so close and I really want that again. I  feel like I could foster that with black velvet because I get them. I feel like they get me. What kindred spirits in a sense. Both souls of chaos.