Blogs for KU: cake spatula

Many things can be repurposed for kink. A ruler makes a great fun impact toy. Coconut oil is essential for prep for wax play.  A everyday implement that my play partner just loves is our cake spatula. The outside is silicone and it has metal core. It is thuddy. But if you hit with it fast and not too hard it can sting. It is about 10 inches long. Because it has a metal core it doesn't bend too much. It gives just enough to make it effortless to use. Because the outside is silicone if you hold it at the very tip of the handle it bounces and will do the work for you with a simple flick of the wrist. The one is vegan. It is also very easy to clean. You can throw it in the dishwasher. I got mine on Amazon  for about $6  but you can also get one at Target or Wal-Mart.
Happy kinking

-J Skittles

Blogs for KU: Suede flogger

My flogger is all suede from the falls/ throws  to the loop on the on the end.

Just some flogger terms before we get started. The falls/ throws are the part that that hit people. The hilt is a fancy name for the part you hold. The pommel might be the ball or added part the end that has a ring or loop to hang it by to store it.

Like I said every part of my flogger is suede. Not suitable for you if your looking to keep your play vegan. Floggers can be made out of so many different materials. So fret not if you are kinky but are turned off by animal products. It is evenly balanced and lighter than most floggers which I like. My arm never gets tired from throwing it. However, because it's so light it is hard for me to tell how hard I'm hitting. It takes some figuring out, but I was able to gage my throws based on the sound it makes when it lands. I am able to through it very softly where the suede feels very nice against skin. Or I can throw it where it will leave you red. This flogger does not bruise or draw blood.  Because it is suede it is dam near impossible to clean. I do not get blood, wax, lube, etc on it because then I would have to send it to the cleaners to be cleaned. This flogger is for the tidy. It is average size for a flogger, 28 inches total. The throws are 20 inches long. It has just the right amount of throws. Not too many that it's not able to be thrown so that it stings. Not to few that it is only stings. It tangles as you throw it but not to the point where it is unmanageable. The throws just cling to one another more than the throws of a rubber one but less than one that is made out of fur, such as rabbit. If it bothers you just run your fingers through it every time you take a break for water or pause. It comes with a braided suede loop at the end of the pommel for storage. I normally only use the loop to hook my hand through when I'm throwing. Not that it would slip, it has very good grip. You can get my exact flogger on Early to Bed's website for about $78. I think that's reasonable for how well made it is. I've had mine for about two years. It gets a decent amount of use and it still looks exactly like it did when I bought it. I have the purple and black one. It also comes in pink and black and blue and black. I really like it and I hope you do too if you choose to add it to your collection.  
Happy kinking

- J Skittles

Skit: intimacy can be many different things

I have been reading a lot about intimacy. A lot of people equate intimacy to just physical vulnerability. Taking your close of and having sex.  If sex is how you reach extreme levels of intimacy keep doing what works. This post is not to shame one form of intamcy while giving preference to another. Rather I am discoving that there are many types of intimacy that are all vaild. There's the kind I have with my best friend, Husband #7. The ability for me to come as I am with out fear of judgment, knowing that I will always be accepted. He always validates my feelings. He corrects and challenges me when he believes I am wrong. He helps me grow. Always there when I need him. For that he knows he can ask me anything and I will always answer truthfully. He also respects my boundaries and knows all the subjects I'd rather avoid and doesn't bring them up unless absolutely necessary. We cuddle, snuggle, hold hands, pick off each other's plates,  drink each other's drinks, share clothes, and are there for each other emotionally.  This is completely platonic.  We are very close but not in a romantic way at all.  Then there is my rather complex relationship with Lovely. It is only complicated by the fact that I am sexually attracted to them. The level closeness that we have is similar to the one I have with my best friend but I can't tell if Lovely feels the same in terms of how close I would say we are.  There are times when I think there is no way we could be closer and other times I feel like they are keeping me at arm's length.  This is also a very structured relationship with rules and boundaries. As opposed to my relationship with my best friend where we see we are approaching a line and we just run through it and deal with the consequences later. Lovely and I also invest more in little gestures that are deeply meaningful than the grand large ones. I have to be careful with Lovely becuase I do want to jump there bones and I have to reel myself in and do my best to act as their friend.  This means while I often crave closeness with them I need to step back becuase my motives are sexual and we aren't there.  It sucks but part of intimacy isn't only vulnerability but respect for the other person. So I feel like my relationship with Lovely is my most intimate becuase there is a deep connection, honestly, vulnerability, and the utmost respect for one another. I've also had my romantic and sexual intimate relationships. The one coming to mind is with one of my last girlfriends to date Noche or Day. I can't remember exactly how I referred to her. My romantic and sexual relationships I feel have been my least intimate relationships. I loved Noche one day and then woke up the next and was like no I don't.  It takes me much longer to let my walls down when I'm in romantic relationships. I'm a lot more guarded and keep my past to myself.  For the most part I avoid it all together. But I am more emotionally communicative. I'm not jealous or possessive inside these relationships. I think that the reason why these relationships lack high levels of intamcy outside of sex is because I am naturally extremely affectionate. It is easy for me to be all over the person(s) I am involved with becuase I do it to people I'm not and most of the time it means nothing.  So I have to work harder to establish deep connections with these people and I take my time doing that.  I want to know a person inside and out before I open myself up. That way I know if it is even worth me opening up. I'm very cautious.  So I know them in a very intimate way but they don't know me. But all those are valid forms of intimacy. To me it's little things, time spent together even if we aren't doing anything, and the sense that the person gets me that defines this connection for me. That connection can form in any type of relationship. You have to find out what makes you feel like someone sees the whole you and work towards establishing meaningful connections inside of whatever type of relationship you think will best foster and nurture that connection. 

Skittles: Amoriartii got engaged

I'm not dying. I thought I would die. I thought I would fall a part. I thought I need to avoid it until I could be with someone who supports me. I thought I would feel everything if I just stopped taking my antidepressants and just jumped in feet first. I exspected this to hurt. I exspected to cry a lot more. I did cry but not really over the engagement. While I was still taking my antidepressants I had a major depressive episode and just wanted everything to end, KU, my relationship with Amoriartii, my life,  everything. I wasn't really sad about the engagement, I was just depressed, shocker. I have been off my antidepressants for 3 days and I've been okay. But I've had my people and lots of chocolate. So I've been stimulating my brain in a way that temporarily staves of the depression. Basically been hitting all the pleasure centers of my brain like crazy while also coming out of a down swing. If I was in the middle of a down swing this would have gone very differently and I would have needed my meds to handle it. But I'm starting my meds back in the morning because my doctors and I haven't talked about me stopping them permanently or for extended periods of time. So I think 3 days is the max amount of time I can not take them without putting myself in danger. I didn't drink like I wanted to.  I tried but I just couldn't. There wasn't enough time, I never met up with the friend I was going to get drunk with, I didn't eat enough on the day I could have, and also it's expensive to get drunk at a bar.  I drank in moderation, which was enough.  I talked a lot.  My thoughts and my feelings hardy ever line up. So I talked a lot about how I knew nothing was going to change if I didn't want it to, even though it felt like everything was going to change.  Amoriartii is my friend and my lover. If I truly love them and not the idea of us I would want them to be happy, and I do.  Amoriartii and I have talked about this. I was not blind sided or caught off guard. They asked me before doing anything.  I had a chance to change things. I didn't becuase I do love them.  I know that they love me.  I think I was afraid of the change that I knew wasn't going to happen and I let my fear get the best of me for two days.  I also think I am feeling neglected becuase I want more romantic attention than I'm getting. I know that Amoriartii is not at a place where they can give me the attention that I want right now. I also know that when they can they will. In the meantime I just need find other ways to get my needs met.  While I was visiting Lovely for the past two days I got the attention I was craving and the intimacy that I wanted. I felt better. I just need a more practical way to fill that void, that doesn't involve a two hour flight plus three and half hours of public tranist time. I'm not emotional dependant on one person for my happiness, but I do need people to be happy. I haven't quite figured out how to self sooth when I'm not getting what I want but I'm working on that. Once I learn how to care for myself better I will no longer be afriad of falling a part every time there is a major event in my life.  I am also discoving that I am a lot stabler,  and stronger than I thought I was. I just need to get down to what's really bothering me.  In this case I wanted attention and intimacy and once I got it I was fine. I will always probably be extremely dramatic and blow things out of proportion. But if I stop freaking out, breath, and think about it I can save myself a lot of grief.

I am worried I am falling out of love with Amoriartii. Part of me worries that I'm not as mature as I seem and just don't care anymore. I know that my emotional reaction to their engagement is not proof that I don't love them anymore.  I also know that I need to wait see them then decide. Like I said above I feel neglected so it might not be a lack of love but a lack of patience on my part. I still light up every time I get something from them.  I miss them. I constantly think about them. 
I worry about them. I just haven't seen them in a few months and that takes its toll.  So if I go see them this summer I will make up my mind then. I just need to keep myself from jumping to conclusions. 

Skittles: more unrequited love

I am in love with my primary play partner. I know they know but we handle it by avoiding the elephant in the room. This is what I initially do whenever I like someone. But this time I actually have reason for pause. Lovely and I have "talked" about this twice already.  We are platonic play partners and friends. We will not have romantic feelings for each other and if we do we end our kink relationship. We will cuddle, snuggle, sleep together, and kiss. We will not have sex of any kind or make out or else we end our kink relationship.  That's how we defined our relationship. A while back, when I was dropping very obvious hints that I liked them, they shut that all the way down.  See: Because we could all use a little more pain.  So I know better. But I also see Lovely when I'm at my most vunerable. I think my feelings are part Hero syndrome,  where you develope an attachment to the person who saves you. I'm in a fragile place, I'm scared to be lonely,  and Lovely is super affectionate. I keep falling for the  person who is nice to me when I'm hurting.  Now I know if I ignore my feelings I'll get weird and the feels will eat me alive. I don't know what to say because I don't want them to like me back. I am happy we are the way we are. But I think I have to say something? I like coming to visit and being wrapped up in each other's arms. I like our kink relationship and how I'm constantly learning about them. I don't want to lose that and I'm scared. I will text them about it tomorrow because I've learned from my mistakes and I need to voice my concerns as soon as possible. They don't have the spoons to deal with it today and I have no solution to my problem. So that why it's not happening today. I want to stop falling for people who will never love me back. It's too time and energy consuming. I don't know how to get over that person other than to remove them from my life, and I don't want to let Lovely go.  There has to be a better way.  If I could fall out of love with Amoriartii tomorrow I would do it. If I could stop falling for Lovely every time I spend some one on one time with them I would. I do want a relationship but not at the cost of a life long friend.

Skittles: rants about Amoriartii and Felix

Today Amoriartii got engaged to Felix. Somewhere some part of me way deep down is ecstatic. Another part of me, not so deep down, is destroyed. But my antidepressants are making me numb to pretty much everything. I know I feel these things but I'm unable to access the full emotion. I'm only able to get the tip of the iceberg. I haven't really tried to feel it
all yet.  I'm too fragile to handle it all.  I haven't looked at the photos. I haven't called or texted them congratulations. I haven't even looked at their Facebook page in a week.  I'm doing okay keeping my distance but I still feel broken. I've been crying all day. I've been reaching out as much as my pride and need for privacy has allowed me to.  I've been listening to the same song on repeat, Fix You by Coldplay. The only thing that will make this better is time.  While I wait to grow,  learn,  heal,  feel,  whatever, I'm going to get irresponsibly drunk. I know it's not healthy and alcohol is one of the worst coping mechanisms there is.  But I want to look at the photos. I want to feel. I just don't want to send myself in a downward spiral by doing so. Which is what will happen if I look at them sober and alone. I have given this my best shot and I deserve not to fall apart. I know that this engagement/ marriage doesn't mean that Amoriartii and I are over.  But it feels over to me.  I wanted the ring that Felix got.  I wanted to be at opposite ends of the aisle from Amoriartii. I want forever. I'm not getting that.  Maybe that's for the best but it sure as hell doesn't feel the best. I am miles from all of my people, so I'm dealing with this alone.  I have no one to distract me, or be my shoulder to cry on.  The closest person is 2 hours away and busy today. My best friend is two states away in the same state as my trusted assistant. My favorite gay is the furthest south and east you can go in the U.S. My sisters are all in other states and at work, except the youngest one who is out of the country.  This is this first time I've had to go it alone. I'm at a lost of where to start. I am the one who fixes people, and now there is no one around to fix me. I will have to fix my own broken heart. All my love has gone to waste, and the best I can do is cry. I'm going to try to sleep through as much of the pain as possible until I am able to drink with one of my friends. I'm only 26 hours away. I need 10 hours of sleep a day so if I take a nap now until I have to go to work later it will be something like 12.5 hours that I don't have to feel. Plus I can sleep on my way to my friend. That's another 4 hours.  I won't have to deal with feelings for more than 9.5 hours. I think I can make it. I hope I learn from how much distress this has caused me and never do this again.
*Side note*
In slightly related news I have decided I will run my non for profit for 4 more years before I pass it off to someone else. I have four more years of Amoriartii. Then after that if I never want to see them again I don't have to. I will be free.
*Side note*

  I almost want this to be over. I'm sure that all this added stress is bad for my health. I'm hurting, I'm crying,  I'm avoiding. But I'm also in love. It's a torturous line to walk.

Daily struggle

When your antidepressants only let you be so sad.  I am wrecked but I can't express it.

Daily struggles

I want to be supportive but I also don't want to send myself spiralling.

Skittles: maybe I made the wrong choice

Last night I was telling my friend that this guy she liked was a jerk and never right for her.  A midst my epic speech of what love should be I realized Amoriartii never treated me the way I was describing but Cyborg did. I didn't love Cyborg but I should have. I was too busy loving someone who will never love me back. Someone who will never love me the way I need to be loved. I chose Amoriartii over Cyborg after promising not to. I chose the love I thought I deserved over what I actually needed.  Now I have neither.  I'm too hurt and jaded to be with Amoriartii and to proud to go back to Cyborg. Also I still don't love Cyborg I just feel remiss for being so b stupid. I love being the role model for my friends but I think I really messed up this time.  No matter what I would have had to leave Cyborg but I should have left Amoriartii first. I try to live with no regrets. But sometimes it's innevitable. I'm human and I'll make mistakes and sometimes I'll wish I would have done things differently. This is one of those times. I think I should have made a different choice. 

Skittles: No second date

Saturday I went on my first first date that will not get a second date or turn into a romantic relationship.  This is a first for me.  However, since becoming more and more poly I guess I can expect this to happen a lot in the future. We had been talking for 2 and a half months before we got to go out on a first date and it went pretty well.  I was nervous she was late but it was still good. Now I'm straight to the point and I like to say what's on my mind as soon as possible. So I wanted to tell her about the 2 very important relationships in my life,  Lovely and Amoriartii. I only got to tell her about my very platonic relationship with Lovely before she interjected. She said she was more of the monogamous type and me having a relationship with Lovely, even though its platonic wouldn't work for her.  I guess it's because Lovely is important to me and not going anywhere,  or maybe it's because I need to go see them at least once every two months. What ever the reason she did not want to pursue a romantic relationship with me. On the one hand I am happy to know this up front. On the other I feel I have just shot myself in the foot when it comes to dating. I have these two beautiful relationship I don't want to give up but they are making it hard to date. I want love,  kink,  and more love.  Why is that so hard to find? I'm also incredibly socially akward so talking to people is something I only do every once and a while. Maybe I'm ment to be alone with my cat and dogs. I mean alone as in having a second person to love that I can come home to and stuff. 

Daily struggles

Cooking food the not wanting to eat it.

Daily struggles

Forgetting to take your anxiety meds before a first date. 

Daily struggles

Trigger warming: SH

Toddy my depression looks like getting a pint of icecream, eating all of it, then going to bed. I'm not always cutting

Daily struggles

When Spotify doesn't want it to be over.  I'm on shuffle and every song is begging me not to leave,  saying we belong together,  asking me to stay. But maybe I'm already gone.  Only time will tell.

Skittles: maybe I'm done

I think I'm falling out of love with Amoriartii. My heart breaks a little more each time I check in on them.  I get a twinge every time I think about them. What if my heart has decided 3 years is enough? I've pinned, we have tried, I've been hurt and forgiven. But I think I might have given all I've had to give to this and now it might be time to move on.  I don't want to make anything official until I see them in July.  I always feel differently after I see them so maybe I'm just missing them. I could be hurting from not getting the time with them. But I think it's more likely that I just can't pour from an empty cup. I'll keep you all posted. In the mean time some p!nk

Journals for class: I remember #3

I remember coming out as kinky to some of my friends for the first time.  I have a pup pack lead by my love's pup Nano. I had arranged to show the pup pack, made up of 3 pups, around Chicago's pride fest. I would be there handler for 2 days.  I would walk them around on leashes, play with them, give them treats and water,  take care of them, and protect them. It was day one and everything was going well. We had stopped to take some pictures, grab some swag, and talk to other kinky people.  It was a warm beautiful June day. Not too humid,  a slight breeze to cool you off every now and then.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky. We were dancing at the center stage when I saw them. People from the college I use to go to. They spotted me immediately, and were making there way over before I had a chance to run. A flash of panic ran down my spine.  What was I going to say? A handler is always suppose to be in control and confident. With my pups' eyes on me there was only one thing to do.  My friends were shocked when they saw me holding leashes.  We left the dance floor and moved to the roof top at Center on Halsted to talk.  They had question but like I said a handler is always in control.  I simply said this is my pup pack and introduced each pup,  Nano the alpha, Arlo the beta, and Dusty the gamma. I explained how for the past 2 years I had been running a kink organization. Then I posed for pictures and all of us went back to dancing.

Journals for class: I remember #2

I remember Sunday June 12th and Monday June 13th 2016. Early Sunday morning, I  lost Amanda Alvear, my friends cousin. I met her a year ago in Chicago at United Latino Pride week while she was visiting her cousin.  I was in the airport flying to Chicago for a concert. I looked up at the news as I waited impatiently for my flight. My heart dropped out of my chest.  A mass shooting at a gay club during Latin night. So many thoughts ran through my head. What exactly happened?  Is everyone okay?  The love of my life was just in Orlando, is Amoriartii okay? Felix is from Orlando and was there is he okay? How are my other queer friends handling the news? I write for a queer news paper so I quickly took to my blog to write up a brief but concise post. Then I started to cry as I woke up all my friends at 9 am.  Calling them to see if they knew already. Often being the first person to tell them the bad news with as much info as I had available. I went to a Florence and the Machine concert that night. She sang Spectrum and You've the love running around the stage with a rainbow flag in honor of the victims. I flew back to DC where I was doing my summer internship the next day.  We had a morning meeting about it.  I worked for the National LGBT Taskforce. They told us to talk to each other. To lean on one another. That our work was more important now than ever as we are where people are going for action to take, and a space to heal.  We are the leaders. They encouraged us to go to rallies, marches, vigils, and protest.  Grieve they said. Take time but also be in community.  I got text through out the day from my other queer friends asking how I was coping. I herd from Amoriartii and Felix, they were home back in DC safe when the shooting happened.  Then the list of the dead started to come out. I kept refreshing the page,  praying no one I knew would be on the list.  Amoriartii lost two friends, they were a couple. I wanted to run to Amoriartii's side but they are the type to grieve alone. Then I saw the faces of the dead and I went into shock. Amanda was dead.  I called her cousin and we just stayed on the phone crying for at least an hour.  I went to a vigil that night. By the time I got home I was done crying. I had spent the past 24 plus hours crying.  I had called or texted every queer person in my phone. I had gotten messages or messaged every queer person I knew on Facebook. We were there for each other. I was mad though.  Not one of my straight friends or family members who I was out to checked on me except  one of my sisters (my favorite one). I took to Facebook and called them all out. I made it public outing myself to my family but I was mad and straight people with queer friends needed to know we needed them right now.  If they fought for marriage equally we need you to show up again.  If they attend our pride prades we need them to show up now.  And if you go to our clubs or our parties how could you not show up for us!? My family and friends apologize saying they knew I was safe because of my check-ins on Facebook. Just because I was physically okay did not mean I was emotionally okay.  I needed them and they weren't there. I got home to my cousin who I was staying with for the summer and she held me and I cried.

Daily struggle

Scared to be lonely. Strong enough to be alone physically but not quite mentally. The constant need to be busy as not to be alone with my own thoughts. My appetition to come home to someone every night and snuggle.  I just want someone to be my person.