skittles: 3 months to go

Trying to be a better person for me has taken the form of improving my interpersonal relationships. I'm currently stuck on being better at boundaries, honesty, and confronting the issues. Currently the vibe is still weird with Lovely. I'm probably not going to fix that friendship and just have to let her know. It's not an issues I'm having with her. It is just me being dramatic. I don't know how to fix it either. I'm just going to get her the jacket and be done with it. But I have to tell her. I still haven't worked out what to say. Just the vibe is wierd and I can't handle it. Which sucks to say. The thought that you could wake up one day and just be done with a friend is the worst feeling. It's nothing they did either. I woke up different than when I went to sleep. That's all. I think at this point I'm trying to convince myself that's the answer. But even though that's how I feel I don't believe it. My logical way of thinking is having a hard time accepting my own feelings. I know feelings don't have to make sense but they feel right. I can't make this feel right because of the overwhelming initial feeling that is just so uncomfortable. I keep wanting to wait to tell her. I keep waiting for it to make sense or for my feelings to change but they haven't and it still doesn't make sense. I want to just mail her a letter cuz that's how I do everything but I'm suppose to be working on confronting things. So I'll just tell her. By the end of the year. 

Skittles: what I'm doing instead of talking to Lovely

I've been panicking about telling Lovely that I basically dumped her (as a friend) on accident. I see her next week. I'm still at a lost for words. Good news I found a song Cool Again that exactly conveys what I'm feeling. Shows you how desperately I've been avoiding this. My favorite is the part that goes "I know I'd said we'd be fine but that was then, and it's a lie."  If I ever got physically or romantically involved with Lovely I'd insist we stay friends even if we broke up. She would be ecstatic about that. I always suspected that I was full of shit but now I know that it would be dam near impossible for for me to go right back to being friends. If I could ever get to a place again were I felt like we were okay as friends. We were just friends and now it's weird. Probably just for me, but still. I would be texting her "I know at the beinging I'd said we we'd be fine but I was lying. Sorry?" Actually! I think when we became friends we said it'd be fine that we might have some non platonic (sexual, sensual, romantic, ect) feelings for each other, because we'd never act on them and it be fine. *Takes five minutes to laugh myself to tears (happy tears).* Neither of us could manage to have a purely platonic relationship in practice. And now it's weird. It's probably been weird for her in past at some point. And we (she) got through it without going nuclear. Also with out me noticing. How does she do that? Maybe she just talked to me and it wasn't weird for me? I can do that too! I think? I spend so much of our relationship being honest and vulnerable. Why is it still hard to do? 90% of our friendship is me sharing feelings and showing a side of myself that I share with no one else. She's seen me sad cry. I don't cry in front of anyone!!! Well we need to talk anyway so it's gotta happen. 

Skittles: it's all in my head

I have a tendency to catastrophize. I think it is how my creativity chooses to manifest itself. Outside of imagining the worst I cannot create to save my life. My artistic skills are in short supply with a non-existent demand. 

A while back I convinced myself that Lovely had broken up with me as a friend. It turns out when she said she was really busy and didn't have time for me it was because she was really busy. I thought she didn't want to be friends for forever and she just meant it's a bad time at the moment. I am a really needy friend when it comes to her. I do not demand to be the center of attention or have all of her time but I do demand to be the center of attention for a little bit. If I don't get my one-on-one lovely time where I am her main focus I get upset. So it is very important that she communicates to me when she doesn't time for me. Because if I come visit and I don't get my one-on-one time I will be angry. We will fight. It will be bad (I feel like the next thing I should say is there will be blood but they won't be.)

So when I stopped talking to her she assumed I threw a tantrum and was mad at her. She figured I'd either cool down and start talking to her again or she would sort it out when she saw me in 2 months. I told her I assumed that she was friend breaking up with me. Then instead of follow through with the whole it's not you it's me she just ghosted me. So we made up but not really. Of course I'm excited to be wrong and still have her in my life. She's means so much to me. But I still feel miles away from her and I really am.

Here's the thing. I had already decided that our relationship was over and started the grieving/break up process. I've put up walls that I can't just tear down. I've cried. I've change my phone background. I've written shitty break up potetry. I go to the gym! I got all the way to the point where I'm trying to decide who gets what the property (objects) we both own. Which is right before change you're hair. I was almost over her and now she's back. Truthfully she never left I was just crazy. But am I just suppose to pretend like none of my moving on happened?

I don't even know if I can tell her went this is hard. What would I even say:

I thought you ghosted me because I'm crazy and that's what I do. So since our relationship was over I've moved on. Expect this whole time it was just a lack of communication and me being crazy. So I still want to be friends. I want to pick up where we left off. But I've done all this emotional work. So I'm for me you're in a very different place emotionally and psychologically then you were when you said you were busy. Even though you did nothing wrong and I completely made up you're negative feelings towrds me in my head. Basically we are a different type of friends now. If you're willing we can figure out what that looks like together?

NO!!. I would rather be this. Arms-length friendship is statistical better for the long run. I'm going to cry about being wrong but stay the course. I don't know if Lovely is here too stay?

Skittles: Things I'm going to miss about Lovely

I keep thinking about things that I'm going to miss about Lovely. So every time I think of a new one I'm going to add it to this list:

•Hot air balloons

•Discussing the philosophy of cannibalism

•Watching her play overwatch

•recaps of horror movies I am to afraid to watch

•hot takes

•her linguistic idiosyncrasies

•her aesthetic

•Yuri on Ice

•Her mom

•her niblings

•Albuquerque

• the rest of her family

•watching her do her makeup

•her smile

• her reading

•her hair

•Her tattos

•the sound of her voice

•the little thing she does with her hand when she's in executive mode

•the face she makes when she's really satisfied with something

•the sound of her laugh

•how her hair always smells like coconuts

•the way she stands when she smokes

•her acceptance

•her patience

•how clearly she communicated

•her help with fashion

•just sharing space with her

•her sense of humor

•her behind the camera

•listening to her talk about anything she's passionate about

•her kindness

•her empathy

•her musical talent

•listening to her play music

•snuggles

•her strength

•how she always kept me guessing

•her impeccable taste

•how her face lights up when she's really happy

•holding pinkies

•how she gets mad when I buy her stuff but she really appreciates it

•Albuquerque

•the trust

•the closeness

•the comfort

•the safety

•constantly working to be better

Skittles: we're not okay

I hate losing close friends more than I hate losing romantic partners. I hate losing friends when I did nothing wrong. When nothing went wrong but it's still over. 

I swear everything was fine and now it's not and it's not because anything happened. I saw her in June and it was hard but but the end we were okay. We talked about me coming later in the year and we were both happy. Then the next time we checked in it was done. It's just over. I didn't even get to see her before we got to this point. NOTHING!!!!! NOTHING brought us to point. Not a fight. Not one of us being shitty. It's just a product of our current situation. 

So I'm grieving and sad. I loved Lovely. I wanted her nick name to actually be Love Lace and I think she would find it fitting if I had called her that on hear. There are so many things I'm going to miss and so many things I never got around too. I still owe her a camera, a jacket, and a trip to the Philippines. I'll get around to them eventually but it's going to be strange. Never the less I still feel obligated to give her the things I promised. I'm a person of my word and social awkwardness won't keep me from that.

Thinking about saying my final goodbyes are tearing me up inside. I'm hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated. I have no one to direct those feelings at because it's not her fault. I'm also not at fault. There's nothing I can fix and there's no take away. There's no action to be done other than to move on and that's not a conducive pathway for me to funnel my emotions into. I want to be able to do something so I can feel better. So that continuing to live is easier.

Lovely and I aren't friends anymore. She is also leaving KU along with 90% of the board (my decision).  She doesn't have time for me in her life and our relationship only works in person. So if she doesn't have time for me to visit I don't see her. I'm not moving to New York and she's not moving to Chicago over a friendship. We just need to return some personal belongings of ours that the other has and that will be it. I just want to return her stuff but honestly, I don't want anything back. My stuff will smell like her and I am not strong enough to cope with that. So she can keep it all. 

I don't know what to say to her but I know have to say something.  But I can't think of anything. I want to be prepared so I don't just stare at her like I'm staring at my screen, crying and silent. I can't say "I love you", "I love you goodby", or "Goodbye love". It's cruel to tell her I love her and then not be friends with her anymore. Even though it's the truth, telling her would hurt. Because it hurts me to know that she loves me but can't be in my life. I can't say "Goodbye", "Farewell", or "So long". It's to impersonal. It's also true but so cold, unfeeling, and doesn't capture all the emotions of our relationship and the moment. I'm leaning towards a hug and "Be safe". We'll be saying our final goodbyes at a conference and the is pretty standard. But also I want her to be safe. I want her to live a long happy life that's fulfilling and she's loved. Be safe means I care about you and you're wellbeing in the future. So if I can't think of anything profound to say I'll go with that. 

Lovely's break up song is Miserable at Best  by Mayday Parade

Skittles: Now I can love you

I had a really messy and emotionally heavy weekend with Lovely at World Pride. It was rough. The short version is I'm depressed, I'm in love with her, I'm easy jealous of the people she shows interest in, everyday was a long day, we were in a group of about 10 people, it was really hot (90°F), I was really irritable, I'm shy, and one of her friends ended up overdosing on an opioid. The worst time was realizing Lovely was infatuated with her friend. Thinking they left me with the group to hooked up with said friend. Being constantly reminded the value of my life in other people's eyes. All of the police being in these queer spaces. The best time was taking care of high Lovely. She is a blast high. Crying together as queer people of color. Bonding while taking care of the friend who over dosed.

I have a hard time with my relationship with Lovely because it is so multi fascinated. I love her in away that is detrimental to all of our relationships. The love is detrimental not because it is not reciprocated. But because I felt it was not valued. If I take anything away from this weekend it would be that I am important to Lovely. She trust me as much as I trust her and values me. Despite our polar opposite personalities I think my relationships with her are the healthiest relationships I have or have ever had.

I think that because of the stress of the entire weekend we just broke under pressure. That break down of pure vulnerability is what got us to open up. We had a heart to heart talk. I wasn't being gaurded and she wasn't mad at me for keeping her away. When someone is dying you don't think, you do. But after when things are settled you have to process everything that just happened. I cried early and it wasn't my friend so I was okay.
***Side note***
Growing up it the city really desensitized me. Gun shots or fireworks was very much a game to me growing up. Just neglecting the fact that this meant people were dying. I've never lost anyone to drugs before but people from my neighborhood have died from overdoses. I always thought "you were dumb enough to do drugs, natural selection at work." But watching what a drug I was prescribed did to me when I didn't have it was worse than what it was helping me with. In that way I could have easily formed an addiction. The only reason I stopped was because of a mistake that the pharmacy made that caused me not to have my medicine. I was so close to being addicted.
******
Lovely cried her eyes out having dealt with an opioid addiction herself. This drug that her friend did could have killed her if she would have had the money for a larger dose. I watched the person I care so much for devolve. All I could do is hold her. But that was enough.

I feel better now that we have talked. I realized I was jealous because I didn't feel valued. After this weekend I know she cares and that all I've ever wanted.

Skittles: life update 3/7/19

I'm dating Latka. I'm not in school. I'm applying for a job I don't know if I want. Taking my meds everyday is not currently happening. I don't work that often. I have a lot of friends that I don't see in person. I have a lot of anxiety over one person in my life. I'm still hurting. I don't have a friend that I go out and party with. I have wine nights every month. I'm looking for a new "friend". I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to therapy. I've stopped crying. I have feelings for Lovely that I can't shake. I miss Vendetta and regret giving her that name. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm definitely touch starved. I keep dreaming that Amoriartii dies and it ruins me. I am indifferent about dying and reluctantly living. I'm trying to lose weight. I spend my time being really gay.

Daily struggles

1. Using the thesaurus synonyms of adorable, appealing, smitten, and wonderful describe Lovely too people

2. Blushing and gushing with love when talking about my 4 days with my friends last week.

3. Spending over an hour taking and editing a photo to get the right cute sad face to convey how much I miss Lovely already.

4. Not having enough pictures. I need to capture more of my friends facial expressions.

Skittles: what they don't know

Often my friends point it that they don't know me as well as they thought they did. I have friends I'm very close with that I've known for more than 5yrs come to me shocked because they just realized they know nothing about me. I lead this kind of life on purpose and at this point it's my lifestyle. I'm very open about some things and talk all the time. People quickly get a feeling that they know, understand, and can trust me. But there's is so much they don't know. One of my closest friends Lovely for instance knows so much and still so little. I have very few secrets from her but there is still so much that I would tell her that she is unaware of. When we share a bed we normally cuddle. However, when we don't cuddle I wait for her to go to sleep first. In the meantime I lay and think. I worry if she toss and turn a lot, it means something's wrong in her life. Once she's in R.E.M sleep, her breathing sounds different when she's actually asleep, I get to work. I make a small blanket wall between us and make sure she has enough space. I get comfortable and listen to her breathing. Then I match my breathing to hers and I'm fast asleep in 5 minutes or less. She doesn't know this. Mostly because it's weird and she had never caught me watching her sleep. I don't mean to watch her but she's so freaking adorable when she's sleep. Just a real heaven on earth angel. But what she doesn't know makes it friendship work.

Skittles: 🌹we're okay

Everything is okay with Lovely. We were sleeping, but it was super hot. I had a hard time getting to sleep. It was too hot to snuggle. So I put the comforter between us at our feet so we didn't touch. I had been using the comforter for the past two days to snuggle but it was too hot that night. When Lovely finally got to sleep she immediately rolled over facing me and mirroring my position. I couldn't help but smile. I moved away so that we wouldn't touch. As close to my edge of the bed as possible possible. But she just moved closer. We were laying on our side top hand would have been used to cuddle. Bottom arm under the pillow stretched out. She grabbed the comforter to snuggle it. Eventually she was close enough that our hands just barely touched. Enough to know the other person was there, not enough to get hot. We ended up just touching hands all night. She woke up first. When I woke up she said " I woke up to your face smiling at me ya creep." We both laughed.

Skittles: 🖤🌹🖤

So many people lean on Lovely. They do what I do with the same struggles or worse hardships than me. I want to have a reciprocal relationship. They are strong for me. I can be strong for them. I can't make them trust me. I'm bad at comforting. I'm bad at not trying to fix it. But I excel at being there and showing up. I move mountains for those I love. They know where to find me, but where do they go? I want them to know how much they mean to me. I love them wholely, fully, and with the entirety of the universe. The atoms that make them are one of my favorite configurations of matter. I just don't know what elements to use to convey that to them. I'm afraid of what they would think. I'm in constant fear for the status of our friendship. I think they will doubt me and I'll continue to stress them out as they watch me fight for my life. I'm alive in here. I'm alive despite all this darkness. I'll return to my glory if only to eases their suffering, love them out loud, and find them. I'll be a warrior again. You know where to find me, Lovely I'll find you.

P.S. I love you platonically and I'm going crazy

Content warning: violent graphic imagery, mutilation, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I said I missed you. In itself not a lie. But definitely not the entire truth. I said I missed you. What I meant to say was I miss you and please tell me you're not passive aggressively avoiding me cuz you don't know what to say. I miss you and please tell me you're not pushing me away because I became too clingy. I know that I clung to you like the last strand tieing me reality for a month. And that wasn't fair. Even if I try to make it not so obvious you probably noticed. I wish I could tell you it's not as bad as it looks. But I am trying not to lie to you so when I tell you that I tried not to cling to you what I mean is I tried not to cling to you in a way that you would notice. For every message I sent I could have sent a thousand more. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to curb and edit my stream-of-consciousness into the characters of just one text message. I tried to only text you on the days that I didn't cry for more than 5 hours. I tried to be as stable as possible and texting you and not scare you. But I also really wanted to be honest with you because I knew you would understand. I knew you wouldn't be scared. I knew I could say that today was a day where I wish to remove my teeth and my tongue so that I could stop talking. I wish you did it so that when people asked me, when my therapist asked me to talk about it I literally could just open my mouth and show them I couldn't. I wish you did so that I can just spend more time crying and not doing the hard work of rebuilding my life. I wish you did because I'm much better at dealing with tangible physical pain that I am with emotions. I knew that you would understand when I said I would be willing victim to your grotesque horror movie you would know exactly what I was talking about. Not the thrillers like "Get Out" where they play mind games with you more of "Jason" and "Chucky". Just chop me up to pieces and get on with it already. I know that you will see the deeper meaning and when I ask you to chop me into pieces or put me through a woodcutter. I want to physically be as broken as I feel. I've always loved a good jigsaw puzzle. I've always been much better at treating my physical wounds then anything I couldn't touch. I think it would be cathartic to put myself back together. If you made me a jigsaw puzzle and I could put myself back together, I'd be a beautiful complete image. There would be closure and the feeling of being incomplete and the pain would be finite. I would take great joy and being a 5000 piece puzzle. Searching for the different parts of me and seeing how they all fit together. I knew I could say these things to you because of your dark fantasies but also being a pacifist. I know you would never hurt somebody unless you had to and even then you might not do it. But I'm not asking you to go against your beliefs. That's not why I send you the text of today I would let you filet most of my skin off. I send it to you because you're a pacifist and you don't like seeing people in pain. You wouldn't do it to cause me pain but to ease my suffering. If I asked you to Shatter Me I know you wouldn't take joy in shattering me. You would take joy and helping a friend, and helping get better. And you might take a little more joy from that if that involves shattering me. I did not mean to overload your senses or make you worried. When you met me I was broken and you just see me fall more part since we've been friends. I am a phoenix my fire dies I turn to ash, but then I'm reborn out of the ashes. I meant to burn out and wither. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that up front. I miss you not because you're the string that ties me to reality. I'm back unfortunately. I miss you because you understand. I miss you because you're strange. I miss you for the reasons you like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I miss you for all the many ways I will never understand you. I miss trying to understand anyway. I miss acceptance being a two-way street. I'm not saying you don't accept me anymore and I'm not saying I don't accept you. I'm saying I have anxiety and the many ways that your mind is creative and creates beautiful unique seemingly unthinkable things to me. My mind finds a different reason for you to hate me, push me away, or ghost me every second. Sometimes my ADHD joins in on the fun and can't even focus on each idea as they appear it gets distracted and combines things to completely new ideas or takes it somewhere it wasn't even going. Yesterday I decided you didn't want to be friends anymore because I gave you the wrong Christmas gift. Even though I know you love your Christmas gift it's Fenty you love Riri. I had one where you thought your partner here was cheating on you with me which is not a thing because you both are polyamorous. Not to say polyamory can't have cheating. The way that you do it and the way I understand both of your relationships that wouldn't be a thing where I'm concerned anyway. There was also one where you ghosted me because I told you I like the way you snore. I know it's an odd thing to say but I've already said it and you weren't bothered by it and let me come visit multiple times after that. I have not said it since the first time so I know that that could not be a reason. Still I dwelled on it for about 2 weeks. All this is to say I wasn't completely honest when I said I missed you. But in all honesty the truth wouldn't fit in just one text message.

I will never send this to Lovely because I panic. This is very anxiety-provoked and I know that I am currently in a manic state. Neither are the best for communication when you're worried that what you've been communicating is the source of the problem. I will talk things her when I see her next. It has been a hard summer not seeing her at all. I'm very used to structure and the structure has been seeing her at the beginning and end of my summer. Which is not the case this year. She's also going through her own shit and so time apart is probably the best. I don't need to lose more people in my life right now. It is probably best to take a patience route even though it's longer.

Daily Struggles

I changed my phone background to a different picture that still reminded me of Lovely. I can't bring myself to change their name through 😞

Skittles: How much more can I loose? How much more hurt?

I have to change Lovely's name in my phone from thier nickname to thier actual name. I also have to change my phone background becuase they are my background. I'm a little more than a little attached to both the nickname and the background. I thought I was over the having romantic feelings for them. It turns out I was just finally satisfied in how close we are and our level of intimacy. It is comforting to look at them everytime I look at my phone. But I'm scared to show them. I'm scared for them to find out. I don't want them to think it's weird. But it hurts to loose this. It hurts cuz I'm romantically invested. I know I should be. I honestly can't bear the thought of losing them right now. I lost my soulmate, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my community, I can't loose them too. It already hurts too much.   I can't loose all of the love in my life. I'll be empty. I can change and I can let go of these two things, but not right now. Right now this is my daily comfort in days filled with pain. This is all I can do to cope.

I'm bleeding, broken, and in pieces on the floor. Please don't hurt me any more by leaving. Don't leave me yet. Just stay a bit longer.

Skittles: Irrelevant good new

I am no longer romantically attracted to Lovely. I do love them to pieces but its different now. Its not a wild fire. Its a cold flame. It burn but is cold to the touch. Its also controlled. Its not endangering or able to hurt either of us. This is nice. It is going to make life easier. I still have sex feels about them though. Honestly I prefer it this way, I can handle lust.

P.S: What I meant to say

Content trigger warning:
Suicide
Suicidal ideation
Sexual violence
Physical violence
Rape
Death talk

Lovely,

Thank you for letting me visit. Thank you for trying to save me. Thank you for loving me even when its hard. I'm broken. I was broken when you met me. I've continued to break down since then. I'm sorry, I didn't want to ask this off you. I know its too much. I keep very few trusted confidants. It makes it easier to keep secrets. It makes it hard to get support. I never learned to trust. I'm trying to learn. The few people I do keep either turn against me and I have to end them in everyway possible expect physically. Or they die. Before I got to college I got tired of going to funerals. I keep a small inner circle because I can only stand so much loss. It also takes forever for me to open up. Some people in my life have been there for 10 years and still don't know me as well as you do. I want you to know your emotional labor is greatly appreciated. It means more to me than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I will never be able to repay you but I will try.

I have actually pulled people from the water when they were drowning, complete strangers. That's been my job since I was 15. I have saved my friends' lives countless times. I am the person people run to when thighs go wrong. I've been doing that since 4th or 5th grade. Right after thier heart breaks, when they are in trouble, when they aren't safe, when they are going through it mentally, or when they need something handled people call me. I save. I get calls in the middle of the night and I get in my car. I have gotten on countless planes for people. Who saves me though? Just two people. You and my bestfriend. I try to keep your load light. When I've messed up and I'm metaphorically covered in blood I never thought I'd show up at your door. Husband number 7 has always been the one to help me get ride of everything. I'm suppose to go to him. For this I couldn't though. He didn't understand. I want you to know I'm a  meticulous planner. I worry and plan for the worst. I have plans for everything from nuclear war, natural disasters, all the way to deaths and being a fugitive/ enemy of the state. I didn't have a plan for this. I didn't know what to do or have some else to turn to.

I am a sexual violence and rape survivor. I never thought I would be here. I have very few regrets in my 24 years of life. I think I had two before this. This is makes three. I can see myself doing a lot as I've been through a lot. I have a history of violence. I got into serious fights (like imagine tv prison fights) growing up. For all but two altercations, I would black out. I always remember asking whoever was picking on me to leave me alone. I would ask other people to tell them I'm just having a bad day and tomorrow they can pick on me all they want. I would say please don't touch me. "Not today, any day but today. Please I don't want to fight." I would usually say. I was never fighter if I was picked on or beat up I would just take it usually. But about once a year I would have a bad day and they wouldn't leave me alone. Then the next thing I remember when I got into fights is being in the principles office crying and usually bloodly, not my blood. At this point the principal had already called my mom and/or Dad. The Police were usually in the room standing in the back or outside of the door. When I came to I eventually stopped being shocked. My mom/Dad would yell at me on the phone and ask what did I do. My answer was always I don't know/ I can't remember. My parents or the principal would be the first to give me a one or two sentence synopsis of what I did. From kindergarten to 8th grade I was bullied/tormented mercilessly. I got the one by the year except for  when I was in 7th grade. For 7 years  ones that stand out the most in those 7 years are when I beat a kid with a chair, broke a girl's leg and dislocated that same knee cap, beat up/ sent to the hospital three brothers on the playground all older than me, and I left a permanent scar of my initials on the back of one girl's neck . I don't remember any of this but I was told by the principal, my parents, the police and everyone at school. If everyone had the same story of time that I don't remember then its the truth or I live in a black mirror episode. I remember one plan my childhood best friend and I planned that was violent. I remember that same bestfriend and I getting into a fight before I went to a different highschool. I remember those two things better than yesterday. Its like a DVD in my brain that I can play anytime. This is being added to the collection of trauma.

This was never something I thought I could do.  Its destroying me. I didn't make it to pick you up from work because I spent three hours picking. My foot is bloody. I couldn't walk because it hurt and my leg cramped from the way I had it positioned. I ate which is a victory but I still wake up in the middle of the night crying. I reached out to you and you where either hot (I hope you were just hot), or you secretly hate me/don't trust me/ don't feel the same way about me any more. Which is fine. I would/will understand considering. Know that no matter what you decide to do from this point on, I'm glad we are/were friends. Thank you for always being there.
Love,

J-Skittles

I will never send this to them. I don't want them to worry. This very much sounds like a suicide goodbye letter and its not. I also don't want them to know I'm self mutilating. I just want them to know that I wouldn't have asked this of them if I had anyone else. I'm trying not to die. Its really hard. I already wanted to die. When I was with V I was happy and still wanted to die. I just didn't want to want to die when I was with V.  Now I really want to die. I don't have anything in me that doesn't want to want to die. My brain keeps telling me I deserve to die. It also says this is the perfect time. Everyone will understand how I end up dead becuase of what's going on. I have no reason to fight, but I am. I keep telling myself:
1) Death is the easy way out. You can't learn and do better if you're dead. V wants me to learn and do better.

2) I don't deserve to die over this.

3 ) My brain says I'm a monster. My brain is sick and this is making it worse. I am nothing like the people who hurt me. I didn't mean to and I didn't know. I know that if it had been diffrent I wouldn't be here because I'm not a moster. Live and remind yourself you're not a monster.

Skittles: what it feels like to love them today

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Deep down a pain from your core that resonates out to every fiber of your being?
It's not Stockholm syndrome.
You have done nothing to me.
The moth in love with the flame.
I'm a fire in love with the fuel.
I'm the fuse of love with a match.
The bomb in love with the detonator.
The masochist in love with the pain.
I know you can destroy me.
I love you.
I love you so much I'll let you.
I love you so much I want you to.
I have come.
I am here on bended knee.
To present to you on a silver platter my heart.
I am here dying, bleeding,
I carved out my heart for you.
Ripped out the beating thing from my chest.
For you.
Obliviate me.

P.S.: Rescue Romance

Isn't she Lovely

Please don't hate me,

I know you know what I'm about to say. You have been ingoring and I've been denying it. We have talked around it. Had two fights about it now. I'm really at a lost of what to do. I don't want to ruin a good thing. Believe me when I say I don't want things to change. Between you trying to kill me and my slight aggravation with your stubbornness I know where we are works. (Don't get me wrong I love that you're a brat, but it wouldn't work for me in a romantic setting.) Any more would end badly, we both agree. Not telling you and pretending not to care when I really do just isn't working.

I know how difficult this is on you already. I see it in how you approach our friendship. I see you struggle between being supportive/loving and feeding my feelings. I'm sorry I stress you so much. Cracking underneath it all at CC and needing you to help me keep it together as much as possible is just as much of a challenge. It just adds one more layer of complication. I have put you in a position where you are always saving me. I said I was going to stop running to you when I fell apart. I did, a little bit. After every traumatic thing that happens in my love life I stopped getting on a plane to see you. I still virtually run to you everytime I break, and you're there. You put me back together, everytime. Every romantic hiccup and every KU drama, its not fair to you. So whatever you want to do I respect.

I just want to stop fighting. I've done this before. I fell for my chem tutor hard, after he was done being my tutor and starting being my friend. I realised how gone I was one night when we got drunk. I ran, I pushed him away, and I avoided him like the black death without explanation. When he could find me he would ask me where I'd been and ask me to spend time. I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want things to change. I went from seeing him everyday at least once to maybe responding to one text or Facebook message a week. He got upset, rightfully so. We started fighting. I didn't want to fight. He started to push my buttons. Initially I was just sad and in love with him but when he started to push it hurt. I don't respond well to being hurt. So I fought back, but when I fight I come for blood and don't leave till you're dead. I went too far. I didn't have to avoid him anymore because he stopped talking to me. I was too proud to say sorry for too long. I lost my first and closest friend I made at college. I can't exactly avoid you, I work with you. I could find another play partner but it would be inconvenient and slightly more difficult than I would like. I would still be losing a friend and that part hurts the most.

You get the darkness in me and you're not scared of it, you don't condemn it. I don't show you that side of me much but when I have you don't flinch. I have two people who know me better than everyone else. They both know that part of me is there but one condemns me and the other avoids it. You're the only one who might get it. I can live so many of my feelings with you. You, Z, and Husband #7 are the only people who have seen me cry outside of family. I can be everything from suicidal to homicidal with you. You are so important to me. You give me permission to be myself honestly, with one exception. I cannot love you.

I love you Lovely. I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't. I have tried not to. I knew from the beginning of our friendship that romance was off limits. We have rules against it. Rules I've been breaking for at least a year and half. You knew too. As long as I didn't force the issue you were just going to let me keep breaking the rules. But I have to force the issue. I want to save this, not watch it die slowly. Piece by piece, every time you hurt me and I over react, every time you pull back, every time I walk away, every time I lie saying I'm fine, every time you go along with the lie even though you know, and every fight getting bigger each time.  I don't want to just drift apart until we completely disappear from each other's life. So I need to tell you I love you.

If you don't hate me, don't want to lose me as a friend, or want to maybe try to make our friendship work then I have a partial plan. Me having feelings means its a lot easier for you to hurt me. I take your words to heart, your opinion is super important,  and I am going to over analyze all of your actions. I will help you not hurt me. I will commincate and try to warn you as best I can. I need you to listen to me. You already know how to get me out head. Just remind me constantly that we are friends and I am an important person to you plantonically. You have to use the word platonic every time, it is very important. Say what you mean and be as clear as possible. I will do the same. Ambiguity is not our friend. I still would like snuggles if that's okay. Please try not to shut me out. I will feel like this is too much for you and run. I am here for what ever you need me to do too. The more we stay the same in our actions towards each other the easier this will be. I'm so scared of change and loosing people. Communication is key. We have talked about everything but this and its always worked out. I think its possible. Do you?
With remorse and a lot of distress,

J Skittles

I can't tell Lovely right now, its really bad timing. Two members of the board are already extremely concerned with my personal relationships that I have with every board member, this would not help.  The same two board members say there's nepotism the executive dealings. With Lovely being my Assistant Director it would be more fuel for thier fire. Lovely is also pulling away from me lately. They have known for a while but maybe it is finally bothering them. I don't know. I just don't want to give them a reason to run. Not yet. I will tell them in end of August if things settle down. That will give them a decent amount of time to think before I could see them again. Also if they decide not to see me and end things, I don't have to see them until January. I definitely meant the part where I say  they're very important person to me. It breaks my heart thinking about losing my friend. I have already had enough of that this year and its just February.

Skittles: beyond all the words of it

I am human. I forget that sometimes. I am my worst critic. I never remember that. I am an expressionist. I communicate best in person with my whole body. My voice says so little, even using different notes. My face illustrate. My hands direct or get ride of extra enery. I jump, stomp, shake, move etc. I prefer to write though. I can hide behind nuetral words that don't convey much of anything. I don't have to really pick if I'm being offensive or defensive until the other person responds. I can blame misinterpretation or say that the person didn't read into it enough. I am not even keeled. My emotions always run on high. I am not good at hiding my feelings. So I write.  Sometimes it seems like all I do feel. Rather than talk it out, convey, be understood, and share, I write. My emotions feel like a prison more often than not. I can't ignore the walls or the bars just because I can't see them. Everyone else can see the cell I'm trapped in. The only way to get out, is to confront them. I write, knowing I'm the only one who understands. I wrote to Lovely today, begging them not to break my heart. I know we're "just friends." There is trust there, understanding, acceptance, and they are fine as hell. I don't ask them to love me back. I know they won't. I don't ask them to acknowledge that I love them and be gentle with me either. Lovely already knows. I see them struggle to tread the thin line of being affectionate and giving me the wrong idea. Lovely is just loving with their platonic friends that they care about. I get that, as super cuddly person myself. We are important to each other, though I feel like they are pulling away from me recently. We don't talk about it though. It is the only thing we ignore. We can talk about every other type of feeling other than love. I don't want to ruin a good thing any faster. I know that eventually my feelings will drive a wedge between us, and it will be over. My heart always wants whatever it can't have. I knew before Lovely and I became friends that it was going to be platonic. I know I should try to talk it out now, before it gets worse. I know saying nothing does not end well. I know I also cannot just walk away from my friend either. I always end up caught in the thick of it. I am trapped, I can't simply wiggle my way out of this. I can't pen my way out either. I want this to work out. Deep down I feel like it can. Maybe, with the right words, because it will never be the right time. I do not believe my heart can take another epic of love story that ends in heart break. Its right on the tip of my tongue, but it refuses to come out. I am probably choking on my own anxiety. Trying to be so careful to use the right words, the moment rushes by. Why can't I just show them? I thought actions are louder than words? I want to show Lovely "I love you. I'm broken. I love this, what we have, as is. I want this, nothing more. But I love you so it's easier for you to hurt me. There are already plenty of cracks, to fall through or bleed out of, that haven't healed. But I come with warnings. Stay the path and you won't fall off the cliff." There is a way to make this work. I just need to make my stand. Looking to say something without letting words get in the way.

Skittles: cookies, the flue, quesadilla

My friends and I have code names for our depression.  It's not that we don't talk openly about our mental health issues, it's that we aren't always free to speak about how bad it is in the moment. Also sometimes just admitting we have a mental health problem is to much to handle so we use code words that seem smaller. Today was one of those days.  After two days of not taking my antidepressants, for a good reason, I crashed.  All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Lovely tends to feed off the energy around them. So becuase I was in a mood they were too. I wanted to get out and do something. If I force myself to get up and be productive I feel better.  But Lovely didn't have the spoons to go out so we stayed in bed drinking. We eventually left becuase they had to work but most of the day is gone now.  I usually visit Lovely when I'm in distress and leave better. But I came fine and I think I'm going to leave in distress. It's hard. I have an inherent attraction to them. So it's never easy visiting and getting to be so close but still so far away.  Plus they have a few romantic/sexual interest right now that I had to witness first hand. Then we talked about what we look for in potential sexual or romantic interest and I am all of the things they say they want but I think I'm just to messy right now. I don't know and I think it would hurt to much to know why not me. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of the people Lovely likes, I just feel hurt because it's not me.  This month, but especially this weekend, has made me feel so undesirable. I went to a party with Lovely, looking good feeling confident. But no one I talked to seemed interested. I'm already limiting myself becuase I refuse to talk to white people like that for reasons I will explian in a differnt post called The Diet.  But no QPOC I want wants me.  They all go for white people mostly.  So I wonder if I wasn't black would I be more desirable? Would people notice?  In my queer spaces if I looked more non binary would people talk to me? I will never know if it's me or how I look. I hope its me because that I could change if I wanted too.  I don't but I could.  But I will always be too black, not non binary enough, and too fem (atleast while it's hot).