Skittles: no more, maybe

Amoriartii has broken up with. Not saying we were ever officially together but they have end whatever we did have. There is a surprising lack of emotional reaction from me. I expected to be broken, shattered really. But I feel slightly annoyed at best. I feel like my body is in shock and just can't deal with what should feel like a huge tragedy. All my dreams and then amended dreams have been nixed. I have been cast aside by email. Yes, this exchange took place via email. I asked a simple question and somehow got dumped. I just can't believe this is happening because no one understands them like I do. We can talk with out words. We have a love that everyone can see, even our partners. Felix saw it the moment they met me me. I think it is this disbelief  and shock that prevents me from reacting appropriately. I don't think I am ready to move on yet. This love has been more like an addiction and now I am suppose to quit cold turkey? I wrote a post where I knew that we were never meant to last and that I would have to let go eventually, but I was talking a couple of years from now. My biggest issues is how could they just let me go like they don't care about me at all? It all seems so easy for them to say I can't love you, I don't love you. But I know they do. Everyone but them knows they love me. Its in the way they talk to me, the way they hold me, the way they look at me. But I have agreed to this madness.  I even pulled out of their life, kind of. I use to visit them every month just to see them and spend time with them. Now I will see them every six months or so just like I see all of my other out of state friends. Just like all of my other friends, but we aren't friends we never have been friends. I don't know how to just be friends with them. This is bullocks. I am just so surprised that after three years of yes, no, yes, no, maybe, okay yes, that we are back at no. And that I am not in a ball on the floor. I don't think I will handle this well by any means but so far so good, so maybe. I don't think it will hit me until I see them and can't kiss them. I can't hold them. I can't love them. Then if that happens I will proceed to fall to pieces. But we are the type of people to say one thing and then do a completely different thing. So this looks like the end but we'll see. I see them in briefly in January. If life is different I will mourn. But if things are the same I will just be very confused. I am betting on confused. Not because I don't want to hurt but I honestly can't believe it's over. How did we get here, when did we cross the bridge? When did our love become water under that bridge? (and can we please go back and pretend we didn't)

Skit: [Trans]formations

I went to go see a performance about, for, and by trans and non binary people. It was amazing to see issues that are not talked about come to the surface. The harmful culture of policing other members of the community and passing judgment on the already persecuted on whether they really are legitimate enough to hold space in the community. It adressed that body dysphoria doesn't end just because you have body conformation surgery.  The messaged it preached was a familiar one of live your own truth, with the component of we are human beings not human doings. All we have to do is be our truth in any way we can/ feel safe to do so and that is enough.  The play is presented with the actors completely naked for most of the performance. Which to me screams body positivity and body confidence.  Those to things I find plague the queer community as a whole but does especially impact the trans non binary community. I feel by doing that then addressing topics such as physical transition and dysphoria it show a journey or a path that others can take to come to accept their bodies too. What the performance really left me with is questions.  Are we better off with lables and genders? It seems as much as it gives us identity it divides us and creates room for hate.  If we had you, me, we, and names would we be better off.  Language fails us when it comes to explaining the human experience and often does more harm than good. What would it be like not to have gender stereotypes and expected roles? To be able to express yourself without limitations. I want to move towards a world where we at least recognize that gender for the most part is a performance we put on for others to relay information on how we would like to be treated  and addressed with out having to ask.  But I think it would be better to ask. Then we wouldn't have to preform for others we could just do what felt right even if it contradicted how we identified. [Trans]formations is a must see show with many layers and a lot to digest in an hour and a half. It brings real lives to the stage and put them out there for us to confront. I will go see it again because I am sure there is more I can learn.

Skittles: not getting to it

I did write a post-election post but the other topics that I said I was going to write about I'm just not feeling.  Trump has won and I need a break from life for the next four years. I'll continue to write things when the inspiration grabs me. Today is not one of those days.

Skit: my dad's state of the union

Today I cried as the only county I have ever known voted that it hated me, my family, and my friends. My depression didn't need this and I wonder if I will be strong enough to make it the next four years. This morning was a morning of death and despair as many trans youth and LGBQ folks took thier lives in feas of the months to come. I'm scared too but not as much as my Muslim friends or my undocumented friends. I have two parents that love me.  Hate Hillary but love me.  They did not vote for Trump they voted for Hillary because they don't want me to go through the horrors of conversion therapy. They don't want me to be lynched. They want me to be all that I can be with my disability. They don't want me to be just someone's wife. They want someone to be my husband, wife, or spouse. They hate Hillary but were educated enough to know that a vote for trump meant a death sentence for their child.  I don't know how any relative of a latinx, POC, LGBTQ, disabled, or Muslim person could have voted for Trump. How do you expect us to sit next to you and eat dinner like you don't hate us in a few weeks? I cried when I told my dad my county hates me.  He said it was never my county to begin with and it has always hated you and feared you. They chained you up but still you broke the shakles. They beat you and killed you and still you thrived. They set entire systems up to make sure you fail and still you succeed. They hate us because they can not break us. They may try and try again but it is our duty to come out the the other side stronger. President Trump may beat me, in prison me, and torture me.  But it is in my blood to survive. My love for my community is stronger than his hate.  We will rise up.  We will persevere. We will do more than just live we will thrive.

Skittles: all the side eye

When you're boyfriend forgets that you exist.
Situation: I go to a party or an event on a day I don't normally see cyborg. I invite cyborg days before hand.
Same Situation: cyborg goes to an event or party on a day we don't normally see each other. I find out about it the day of because he's already there without me.

Skittles: is it good to have feelings

My heart is black, blue, and purple from you. There are so many stitches in it you can't see the orginal skin any more.  Scar tissue is all that's left from poison arrows. But some how it still beats. Just for you and no one else. This is love. This is abuse.  I miss you when you're gone but you hurt me when we're too close. You're the tall glass of water I need, dying of thirst. Then I fuck around and drown on just a sip. I know you wanted me to tell you when this started to hurt me and the truth is it's been hurting me from the beginning. We come so far but at what cost? Turst, honesty, integrity? I can't even be honest with you when I'm completely gone. I don't remember what I said but I know it was nothing of consequence. Choking and always at a lost of words around you, which is unbelievable because you are so easy for me to talk to about everything else. I look at you the way Barack looks at Michelle, and I just want you to look at me the Biden looks at Obama but I can't even get that close. I guess I have to stop loving who I want you to be and love you for the stabs in the dark that sometimes miss my heart and manage to somehow hurt more. I've loved you through it all and I know that doesn't count for anything but I wish it meant something to you. I wish I meant something to you.  You can say I do but you never show it. You know I would jump off a cliff for you without you even having to ask.  Your kisses make my heart skip a beat. Your love makes my heart want to stop beating. I don't think I can continue. Not because I don't love you but you will never love me. I don't want to wake up feeling used. I don't want to be like everyone else. Fun for a moment, friends if you have the time,  acquaintances if they're lucky. I don't want to have to burn this bridge for I've never met anyone like you and I doubt I ever will. But it is literally this love or my life. I can't love anyone else while I'm in love with you.  I've tried but I've only gotten comfortable and that's not love.  I can't let anyone love me while I am over here wondering if you will ever let your feelings for me be.  At the same time watching you complicate the love of your life something that you don't want. If you wanted me too you could have just said so. Now is not the time. I feel like a lust filled fantasy that you won't want once you have. You look at Felix like you've never seen a person before. I watch you marvel at him and I die. Not because of jealousy but for the simple reason that you've never seen me. He can have the spotlight I just want to be noticed every once in awhile. You turn to him when your hurting even when he's not there and I am. I can't blame you for having your walls I have mine too.  My walls keep me from saying these words to you.  They hold my tears back. They force a smile but mine don't lie. I know this has to end but it will be years before I build the strength to leave you.  Even through it all,  in the thick of it your so important to me and I'm attached. Do me a favor if you love like you say do let me go I can't leave on my own. If you wake up and realize you don't care and you just been toying with me let me go. If you see anything at all, see all the pain that this has caused me.  This is killing me. I'm drowning and I keep weighing myself down and getting deeper. I know you might care but you really don't give a dam about me if you haven't noticed I've been slowly drowning in my love for you.

Skittles: I'm getting to it

I am going to write about the 2016 election. I'm going to write about that bumper sticker kicking the rainbow flag. I'm going to write about what I learned at sex down south. Just not today. I will write all of this before the 8th. So it's coming but I'm lazy.

Skitt: the continental-ish series

As a Chicagian I feel like I should congratulate my city on winning the World Series. ( even though it's really not a World Series it's competition between mostly American teams and one Canadian team) Basically a national series. The Chicago Cubs won after not wining since 1908. I am a proud Chicagian, just a little bit cynical because the World Series has messed up my work commute for the pass two weeks.  I'm so happy that it's over. Go Chicago!

Skit: activist have lives too

I am writing this post because this is something I regularly forget.  I feel like as an activist I have a job or go to school then I do my activism and that's my life.  That is not the case and it is not the case of any activists I work with.  We started off my Latinx meeting with my friend walking in the door saying "I'm in a good mood because I got banged." We responded "Yas!" as queerly as possible. We just talked and caught up for about an hour before we got down to business.  Not talking about our other projects or work but our lives.  Like going to a football game and dressing up for Halloween.  We are all in relationships so we obviously talked about our partners. But no talk of accolades or awards we were receiving. Just being normal people for once.  I think that we forget that we are normal people where time is such a valuable commodity now we don't take the time to just talk. We come together do the work and forget that we've made a friend in the process. Another living breathing human. Activist are very close to real life super heros. We do amazing incredible work for the community for  free. We definitely held the higher stranders because we are expected to do more. We start expecting more from ourselves and lose our personess. Which is why I often forget when I'm at a meeting that we are people.  Yes I'm in the room with many noteworthy people for doing amazing things but they are still people.  I am still a person.  I have friends, a social life,  a lovely partner, ect. I'm more than my work and I can share that with my fellow activist because they probably want to relax for a second and just talk.  The struggle of forgetting that I'm a person and I don't have to be on all the time.