So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be part of your life. No matter how much I want it, or what I would do for it, or how freaking awesome I am it's not happening. Fine. I am starting to see that I have outgrown my usefulness to you and that we were never meant to be a forever type of friendship . I was just a brief passing moment and now our moment is over. The smoke from the flame has long since dissipated in the air, and the scent from candle wax it melted has faded. Nothing but a memory, a line of $2.68 on the bank statement, the only proof of something that is now the past. All I have are these PHOTOGRAPHS < clicks. And they are not even of the most important times that I spent with you. i don't have a single photo of your arm around me. Or my arm around you. I don't have a photo of us in Chem lecture sipping cocoa not one of us actually learning. I don't have one of us laughing. I don't have you laughing. I don't have the face you make when are you drawing molecules in the air. Or the times I would just make faces at you when we were doing homework. Or any of us just chillin' in your apartment. And I suppose most of this is my fault I have the camera and I made things weird. And I was the one who got mad. I guess I am still mad.... cuz it hurts..... It feels like I'm dying and you could save me but you just walked away. I guess I walked away too. I guess I walked away first. But it was really hard for me. It is still really hard for me. When this all started, when I looked up and realized I had already fallen madly in love with you I couldn't deal with it. I wanted to be friends and that's it. I still just want to be friends. But..... I..... I love you. So for me its how do you be in love with your best friend. The one person I need more anyone else on this campus. I can talk to you and feel safe. You take me for who I am and that's impossible for me to find. i need that. So being in love with you always came second, third sometimes. The most important thing to me was being your friend. Being a good friend. But like I said I was in love with you so sometimes things got complicated because of how I felt. So I withdrew because I didn't want to tell you how I felt because I didn't want to feel that way about you. I am afraid that loving you will destroy the friendship I had with you. Not that not telling you I am in love with you hasn't basically done that. But I was afraid that you wouldn't like me back and me liking you would be too weird for you and you would push me away. Like I did to you because being in love with you was too weird. Or worse than that you would like me back and then we would date and then I would fuck it up. Then you would never forgive me and now I am really in deep and i lost my best friend. I would never recover, I would never forgive myself for the pain I caused you. Not to say I haven't caused you any pain already cuz have been quite a bitch as of late and you seem to have forgiven me. ( I don't know why). It just didn't work out in my head. And now it's not working out in real life. So I am sorry I have overstayed my welcome . I will pack my stuff and go. ( It's just not fair that you can evict me from your life like its nothing yet you won't vacate the space you occupy in my heart) :( sucks just saying
