Skitt: What does love feel like?

For me love usually feels different for each person. But I'll talk about the many faces and shapes my great loves took. I would say that I have been in a relationship with 3 of the people I've ever felt "great love" for Kimmie, Amoriartii, and Vendetta, respectfully. I think other than all feeling relatively the same that these "great loves" are like love of a lifetime. It is a powerful, strong, and distinct feeling. My love for them came from ever fiber of my being. My love for them was so intense the emotion had a physical manifestation. I could feel it just as much as I could feel getting kicked in the shin.

Loving them felt like longing. I wanted to be with them as much as possible and I missed them when we were a part. Loving them felt like motivation. I was so efficient when I was with them. I got my homework done early so that I could be with them. I worked hard to be able to buy them nice things. I wanted to be my best for them. I would move mountains with no hesitation, they didn't even have to ask. It looked like constant consideration. I planned my schedule around time dedicated to them. I would see things that they might like and just buy them. It felt exciting. I was always giddy to see them. It felt happy.  It felt like having butterflies in your stomach. I was always so nervous around them. I didn't want to mess up. I wanted the kiss to be just right. I wanted to keep the right place when we were walking. I didn't want to hold thier hand too tight. It felt right. I never had any doubt that we weren't meant to be. When I was with them it felt like that was exactly where I was suppose to be in that moment. I knew that each of them were right for me despite how they ended. If I could choose not do be with them to avoid the heart ache after, I would still choose to be with them. It felt inspiring. How could I be better every day. How can I show them I love them. It felt sexy. To be wanted and to lust for them was addicting. It felt passionate. Fire running through my body wouldn't have made my blood as hot as it was for them. It felt like admiration. Most of the time I could just look at them and say " Wow! What an amazing human." I respected each of them so much. It looked like making them 1 of my top priorities. Keeping them in mind always influenced my decisions. It felt like distress. Watching the person you love struggle or be in pain is harder than experiencing it yourself. All I wanted to do was make it better and I was often powerless to do so. It felt like understanding. For the most part, I feel like they all understood me and where I was at their approximate time in my life. Love can feel like a warm peaceful filling feeling would just come over me.

There was one love, I won't call it's a "great love" but it sticks out in my head. It was different from the ones above. My love for Godric was calm and steady. My love for him felt safe. My love for him felt comfortable. It felt easy. The love I had for him put me at ease. My love for him felt peaceful. It wasn't a feeling that overcame me. Sometimes love feels like the emotion it's taking over you in a rather forceful way. This wasn't like that. The love wasn't imposing. It didn't take over my life. The love was passive. The love felt inviting and nice.

It hard to describe what it feels like to think about the same person for a period of time everyday you wake up, through the day, and right before you go to sleep. For me it's almost always sudden, like being hit by a giant wave. Then the feeling just grows and gets stronger everyday. Love songs start making sense. When you're in love you understand poetry and art about love. You want the best for them, more than you want the best for yourself. You would do anything to keep them from harm. To know you would sacrifice everything for them. Their love for you is your most precious possession. You would die for them, but more importantly you would live for them. Love can be a person's whole reason for living. I kept a text on my phone that said "I love you", just in case I got into a life threatening situation and was dying. I wanted them to know my last thought in this world would have been about them and I would want my last words to be telling them I loved them. I kept a letter detailing my love for them in my stuff at home just in case I died and couldn't tell them beforehand. Love is more addictive than any drug I've tried. Love can be the motivation behind the strongest frustrations. To love some and let them know is one of the bravest acts a person can do. Loving someone is to be vulnerable. Loving someone is to trust. Love caused the worst pain I've ever felt but it was worth it.

Skittles: can we start over Gordic

I got the sweetest response to a series of long messages I sent to Gordic after running in to him Saturday afternoon. Basically he hoped I was doing well and that I learned from everything that happened between us. I have learned and it helps me with Amoriartii and Lovely. I am still a good friend like I was back then. I haven't learned to put my feelings before my friendships and I don't think I want to. But I have learned to communicate my feelings instead of running from them. I learned to talk about things even when they are uncomfortable. I have learned to talk about my insecurities instead of being jealous.  Jealousy is a really toxic emotion that I only experience  when I'm not in a committed relationship of any kind with someone that I have deep feelings for.  I was jealous of my best friend's (husband #7) other friends before we talked about it and he was like your being silky becuase I love you and you're my best friend. I need to know where I stand and I have to like it.   Anyway I digress, Gordic forgave me, something I thought he would never do. I wouldn't have forgiven me. I forget that Gordic is a much better human than I in almost every way. So this time around I'll do so much better.  He is so happy and I don't want to bring him down in any way. But I do desperately miss him. I don't know how to develope a close relationship with someone I will hardly ever see.  I know how to preserve close relationships when people move, but I've never had to do it the other way around. So I'm nervous. I don't know where you start. It's also hard to start over becuase we have history. I want to know if he still draws or still writes in his journal? I want to know what video game he's addicted to  right now.  I really wonder if on Sunday's he still eats oatmeal, watches Buffy, and knits. I guess I can ask. But I'm sacred to move to fast. I'm really excited and I want to know everything I've missed. At the end of the day I'm just over joyed to have my friend back.  I've missed him so much.

Skittles: Hello Gordic

I saw Gordic toady for the first time in years. They are still with thier boyfriend and honestly look great and very happy. I found out they were in town yesterday and have been making an effort to see them. I hoped I would be able to apologize for everything I did. I said things I didn't mean when we fought. I cut him out of my life trying to get over my feelings for him so that I wouldn't lose him as a friend. But still lost him any way.  I lied when he asked me if I liked him becuase I really didn't want to like him.  I wanted my friend. I was so scared that I ended up messing everything up anyway. I'm so sorry for being a dick and I would really like to see him and his boyfriend when ever they are in town. I never regret losing people or cutting people out of my life except for him.  I really want to be on good terms again.  I miss our friendship a lot.

Skittles: Hello

Hello by Adele is the apology of owed to Godric since 2013. I tend to avoid Adele becuase she brings up feelings for my ex's that never really went away. I have never had my heart break so loud, it over comes the rumble of a train.  To be in love with someone you don't want to be in love with is difficult and makes getting over them even harder. I still care about him a lot and will always wish him the best. I know I should make an attempt to apologize. But so much time has passed that I don't think he would care or accept my apology.  I don't want to disrupt his life by digging up the past. So the guilt will be my burden to bare becuase is my fault anyway.

Skitt: ode to April

So along with turning 21 this April I have learned a few things. Age does not equal action, experience does. 30 days is not enough time to write a poem about the complex nurture of my relationship with depression. Surviving means different things to different people. "The one" is a social construct. I don't need to date/ can't date because I have no need for "romantic love". There is no difference in how I love a romantic partner and how I love my close friends. The media plays a huge part in the prison pipe line system. I still like Amoriartii more than they deserve. I love Godric. My little brother isn't gay and I am way happier about that than I should be. Why is gay marriage getting more press than the murder of trans people of color? (Hint its because they're second class citizen) Bruce Jener is taking up way too much space in the trans community and I don't have any empathy to waste on her. Being a bad ass has a lot more down time than you think. The simple things in life will always bring me the most joy. I want to sip weak tea and watch the world end.

Mending wounds

Dear Gordic,
      I have written you quite a few times in our short, all be it turbulent, friendship. I don't even know if you can call our association with each other friendship anymore. I don't think the fact that we are still Facebook friends is enough to justify even a loose use of the word. I am friends with your friends, though no where near as close as you have grown with some of mine. So I see you around and I here about you in their stories, for the most part you seem well. I hope you are well. Your senior year should be smooth and enjoyable. I know we had plans to spend it together. We were suppose to live together this year. We were going to bake, knitt, study, sing, dance, watch TV drama, and complain about boys. I wonder if you remember or if your even sad that it didn't work out quite that way. Your roommates defiantly do all of that stuff, so you should do it with them. But I, for one, am sad it didn't work out. I couldn't stay at that school it was literally killing me. There is no doubt in my mind that if I stayed I would not have lived through the year with the way things were going.  I was always deathly ill one way or another. It just breaks my heart that I  had to leave everyone because almost everyone wanted me to stay, begged me not to leave, almost everyone asked but you. Thank you for not asking me to stay, because I would have. If you would have asked as my friend for me to stay I would still be there, and I would be okay. It would be hard but with you and the rest of my friends in my corner I would have made it. Life is always better, easier when you have someone who just gets you in your life. You were my first friend in college and, dam it, you saved me that year. and look how I repayed you. I wrote you a long while ago about keeping my secret because it was the best course of action. I wondered if a time would ever come where all the damage I am doing by not talking to you would make the secret itself worthless, that time has come. at such a time I have nothing left  worth protecting or to sacrifice. Not telling you I love you has destroyed our friendship the thing I hold most dear. Everyone keeps telling me get over you, move pass it, its over now. Its not over. I may not love you anymore But God do I still care. I wonder how your doing, if your enjoying yourself, what your latest knitting project is, how your sister is doing. I cried to you, I could talk to you, I could look at you and just laugh. We had more fun together actually doing nothing ( not drinking, playing video games, going out) absolutely fucking nothing than I have had doing anything thing else with anyone since I've been there.  I would look at you and wonder how is it humanly possible to get along with some this well, feel so comfortable, and they not be up to something. I learned to trust you, more than you trust me, but that fine. haha ( old memories that aren't that old are still funny) I don't make friends like that lightly. I think there is a bond here, and when I form a bond with my friends, come hell or high water we are still friends. I don't just let friendships like this one die. I fight for them. I think that is why I have such a hard time moving on, or letting go, because I don't want to. I have had friends die in my arms, and it has taugt me life is to presious to lose friends over bullshit. I don't make friends easily and, short of something life threataning, I intend to keep the few I make for life. I probabaly should have told you about the forever clause in the fine print, oops. So some way some how, we will be friends again. After I learn to forgive myslef for the horrible things I have done to you and all the pain I have brought to your life maybe I will be able to ask you for your forgiveness.  In the mean time I wish you the best.

Joy, Peace, Love, and all that Jazz,

J Skittles

skitt:Kingdom hearts for the heartless

Many times I have tried to capture the bliss in words. Tried to explain why a simple situation is more than the sum of its parts. This past weekend is no different. I can say I hadn't seen my friend in weeks and that's what made my weekend special. But it isn't something so simple and shallow. I hadn't seen my friends in months. The last time I saw Jerjer was in July. I missed my freshmen, who are now sophomores, President Ray, Lexi, and Gaysha. I miss the casual drinking and being able to walk to my friend’s house. I miss being involved in their life. I traveled back to my old school this weekend. Unannounced, I planned to spend most of the weekend with my best friend and not have a lot of people trying to see me. I only told a few people because I wanted to see a few people. However, I reluctantly accompanied my friend to the resource center, basically my second home; it was anything but low profile. My friend was like it will be fine you’re not as popular as you think you are. Our technical support person was so overjoyed to see me she completely ignored my friend. Mind you we both went to this school and often visited this center. I have never been so aggressively hugged by a straight woman. I was warmly revived by all the people who still love and care about me, miss me terribly, and feel like there is a hole where I use to be. I saw my good Friend Jerjer and his roommate Naninani, who I adore. I wasn't going to get to spend time with them because Jerjer rooms with Gordic.  Gordic and I have a more than rocky relationship. I respect him and his space and privacy. I have always said the home is where the heart is, and we make a big fuss about staying out of each other home.  I don't want to violate that, because unfortunately I still care about how he feels. It's really important to me not to cross this line and destroy whatever it is, because I fought hard for him not to even know where I lived. I don't want to disrespect him by invading a space that's free of me. It wouldn't feel the same any more. But any who, he wasn't there so I got the rare opportunity to go stay the weekend at Jerjer's place. It was truly a weekend all about me where I got to think only of myself. I got to expatriate my Jerjer's pumpkin spice infatuation. Nicknamed the apartment the basic apartment, like I woke up like this... Average! I was in a space with my good friend who lets me be me without judgment. But there was this new person Naninani who doesn't know me and who I do not know. Our friendship was very shallow due to the lack of time we had spent together. But Jer and Nani had lived together for at least a month now were closer than close. So as much as I adore Nani I didn't know how to act or feel and it lead to me being very up tight the first night. So I kinda felt that I was always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and that Nani hated me. And as much as this weekend was about me I am very loving giving person and I just gave to them all weekend. I made or bought every meal that they ate those two days. And I listen and tried to relax. I think Nani could kinda see my caution by Saturday and welcomed me to let go. And I did a little bit at the end. It leads to what was so magical about the weekend. When we were all just on the floor (you know when you’re so messed up you just need to lay down) listening to Whitney Houston, connecting with the music and each other it was surreal. I look at Nani and said “This was better than anything I could have ever hoped for". I didn't go out partying and I didn't get wasted, I did nothing noteworthy to talk about in my 20 something year old circle but I will never forget that weekend. I will never forget how I felt just to be with them. It makes my body tingle to think about it. When I took a step back, while I was just laying, there to realize how profound that moment was its like everything slowed down. Everything was. Crystal clear to me, this is what life is about for me. These freeze frame, a moment like this, between the raindrops, moments. They make bonds that will never be broken. These moments are perfect. These are the moments I try to capture in a photograph and I only ever get the moments leading up to it and the moments after. I can never do them justice with words and I can never recreate them. I can't force it to happen everyone involved has to just allow themselves to be in the moment or else it won't happen. The feelings in these moments are like nothing I have words for but I want you to understand. We can't explain it ourselves but we all agree it happened and we felt the same things. Nani describes it as for what felt like forever, even though it was over as soon as it began, the three of us were all alive together. Nothing else existed for a moment. Then everything existed and we felt the world connect to every fiber of our being. All at once it was just us again but we could feel the emotions of an each other’s lifetime. Then it was over and there was just tranquility and understanding. That's the part I remember and feel most when it was over just being there. I asked Jerjer is he felt the same his response was “I was on the couch and Nani was on the floor and you were on the floor but had your feet on the couch. Then all of that happened and all I could do was come down to be with you guys. I need to touch you guys; the connection was pulling us in closer together. I don't even remember moving because I was so overwhelmed with feelings but I think that's how we ended up in the triangle and everything was perfect." we were in a cuddle triangle with my head on my friend's stomach and Nani's head on mine stomach looking up at nothing just existing. Just simply existing.

I know the title seems to have nothing to do with my weekend with my friends but it does. We spent a lot of our down time playing kingdom hearts, the first one if you care to know. Though it is just a minor detail other than experience itself this is what sticks out in my head. Laying on Nani's bed with the boys, there were three other boys with us at one point on Saturday, playing kingdom hearts. So for those of you who care this is why it is titled that, among other reasons.

Skit: Gordic Gryffindor

Dear Gordic,
       I have recently found out from my friend that they showed you my blog about year and half ago. I find myself wondering if you still read it. If your still curious about me. If you still wonder how I am doing? If you wonder if I think about you. You're one of the only people I know I would willingly let read this blog. I probably would have eventually told you about it. I still look at your tumblr every once and a while. No, I don't still have the password I just like to look at it. It is comforting in a way.  I don't quite know what to say. You have known all this time and didn't say anything. You know how I feel about you. You knew I lied when you asked me about Myles. You knew I was jealous of Tiffany (girls generation), and you knew why. I know I was right about you and Tiffany too. I feel satisfied and pissed(jealous). You knew. I don't know why I just didn't tell you when you asked. I don't know why I let things get so bad. I don't know why I didn't say goodbye. But you were always so patient with me. When I was mean to you, you weren't mean back. Thank you. I owe you so much for how you treated me this year and how awful I was to you. If I had the confidence I would tell you face to face. However, their is so much distance between us now we can't even sit in the same room alone together and be nice. (Remember that time we sat in silence in the center for an hour). Its all my fault. You mean so much to me even when I am angry at you. I like Book of Mormon  but not enough to spend $300 on a day in Chicago to see it. I went for the two hour car ride back. That was the highlight of my day. That was worth it. I still am afraid of telling you I like you. Even though you know. I will say I am sorry next time I see you. I hope you still have some forgiveness left. I am sorry for lying, for spreading rumors, for being mean and for hurting your feelings. You deserve better than that. We still should probably talk face to face, maybe work it all out. Because under everything and through it all I still care about you. I want you to be happy and I miss talking to you. Would you believe me if I said you're still the person I trust the most. Don't let me fool you, your words still mean a great deal to me. I listen when you talk. And I worry about you from a far. I want to cheer you up after a shitty test and I want to know how your doing. Your still the only one I allow to call me Jess. I don't know if we can ever be friends again. But if we can talk this out one day face to face, and you still want to, I will try to be the good friend I use to be.

J-Skittles

Daily struggle

Struggles of my future and my past: We can't help who we fall for. If we could I wouldn't be here with you.

* I thought as humans we are suppose to learn from our mistakes*

Skitt: friendship X/

I hate being the good friend. I am the one people come to in their time of need. I am the one you eat ice cream and watch netflix with. I am the shoulder that gets cried on. I am the ear that listens. It seems to be my only function in everyone's life. Normally I don't mind and rather enjoy it because it has its advantages like deep dark secrets. But sometimes I want to be more than the good the good friend. It always happens to the friend that needs me to be the good friend the most. They need me to be their rock and all I want to do is hold them and never let go.  I sit across from them on the coach and hand them tissues to wipe their eyes but I want to dry their tears. I want to make sure they never feel that way again not just be there to pick up the pieces. I want to tell them that they are loved more than they think they are. That someone cares about them more than they realize. I dream about being with them when we are apart. I long to get closer when we are together. But they need a friend so I put up the walls, and unknowingly they keep tearing them down. I push them away but they keep getting closer. It hurts so much to keep myself from them. I want to be with them and I can't and on top of that I have to be the one to keep them away because they don't know and I can't tell them. Simple nice things that they do because by now we are good friends makes me cry. I get to the point where I can't take it anymore. I love them and I'd die to be with them. The joy they bring me is indescribable but so is the pain of being with them like this. I don't want to hurt them or ruin our friendship with my petty jealousy. So I push them away for good. We fight and they don't know why we are fighting or why I'm angry. I avoid them and they don't know why. They feel hurt and betrayed. But its all I can do to keep from telling them. Or worse from doing something to hurt them because they did something, unaware that it hurt me. Every fight from them on I have to make sure it doesn't slip. That I win. All it takes is that one fight when they are so angry and so hurt and they ask me why? Because I love you!! And I can't stop loving you. And its hurting me to love you. So I need them to keep their distance. So they never know. Why their good friend left them and all of a sudden started hating them. I don't hate them. I love them and hate what I become. I hate that I can't love them but do. I hate being the good friend who could never tell them. Because I am suppose to eat ice cream and pizza. Watch Netflix and play video games. Be the shoulder to cry on and the ear listens. The one who is always there for you. Respects you. Tells you truth. Makes you laugh and brighten yours day. Dries your eyes. But not the one that loves you. ;(

Skit: what ever the hell Kwanzaa is suppose to be about

THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH KWANZAA. But I feel like market days is kind of like that. People know of it and know that it is a celebration but have no idea what the historical meaning of the party is. Not even I know. I could do some quick googling but a lass I am very lazy. I will find out later and do a post about that. However Market days 2014 was awesome. I spent it with people I hadn't seen in forever, who still after 2-4 years still love me like no time has passed. I was with Jen, Wow Boa, The Stripper, The Fire department, and The Artist. There is nothing like it. We don't need anything to have fun as long as we have each other. We create our own music, drop our own bass, live in constant turn up mode. Its hard not to be happy when we are together. Even my shy friends find themselves letting loose. Its a simple joy that creates a feeling and has effects that are far from simple. Together we seem to validate each other we see each other for who we are and accept that unconditionally. We are all so different but seem to want, need the same things and its the differences that make us more the same. There is an understanding that in the group we look out for each other and care for one another whether we have know you for years or just met you today. We trust and love.  Not all of my friends get that and are too uncomfortable to let go just for a second. Afraid that the second they let their guard down they will be hurt or something. But the ones that do, the ones that aren't so jaded by life, experience the high, and there is nothing like it. It's been 24 hours since I've been with my friends and I am fighting back the happy tears. The swell of positive emotion even after its over is overwhelming. Its so simple but has a drastic impact on my life and the ones around me. I have been wondering if I've been depressed since highschool, why didn't I know sooner? Why did it take until I left for college for the symptoms to show? Why wasn't it so bad in highschool when it all started? Simple I've been self medicating every weekend for hours at a time by being with my friends and creating an atmosphere such as this one. I haven't felt like this since right before I left for school. The people in my life so greatly impacted my life, I live for my friends and they keep me alive. I don't know what Market Days is about, why we all converge for two days to drink, dance, and mingle. But I do know that it creates space for people like me to meet the most important people in my life. Market days makes room for, love, trust, and happiness. Its a place one can let go and just be. That's reason enough to celebrate for me. I can't put in words the feelings I feel. I wish only to ask you to listen to this song and think of a time when you were with your friends it all felt right. I couldn't give them the shout out I wanted on Facebook so I am going to do it here. When I am with : Danza, Jerbear, Cusin, KitKat, husband number seven, husband number one, Wow Boa, A fox named owl, Cat, Lafablous, white boy, Boss, The stripper, Dini (most of the time), Fireman, The Artist, Lifeguard, LL, ZuZu, Potato Pancake, Kevi, Amoriatii, Gayleb, Griffendor (if we ever stop fighting), Havi, Q, Cooki, little seal, Besty, President Ray, my sisters, my brothers, the model, or Matthew there is no place I'd rather be.

skit: clossing a chapter and finishing a book

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be part of your life. No matter how much I want it, or what I would do for it, or how freaking awesome I am it's not happening. Fine. I am starting to see that I have outgrown my usefulness to you and that we were never meant to be a forever type of friendship . I was just a brief passing moment and now our moment is over. The smoke from the flame has long since dissipated in the air, and the scent from candle wax it melted has faded. Nothing but a memory, a line of $2.68 on the bank statement, the only proof of something that is now the past. All I have are these PHOTOGRAPHS < clicks. And  they are not even of the most important times that I spent with you. i don't have a single photo of your arm around me. Or my arm around you. I don't have a photo of us in Chem lecture sipping cocoa not one of us actually learning. I don't have one of us laughing. I don't have you laughing. I don't have the face you make when are you drawing molecules in the air. Or the times I would just make faces at you when we were doing homework. Or any of us just chillin' in your apartment. And I suppose most of this is my fault I have the camera and I made things weird. And I was the one who got mad. I guess I am still mad.... cuz it hurts..... It feels like I'm dying and you could save me but you just walked away. I guess I walked away too. I guess I walked away first. But it was really hard for me. It is still really hard for me. When this all started, when I looked up and realized I had already fallen madly in love with you I couldn't deal with it. I wanted to be friends and that's it. I still just want to be friends. But..... I..... I  love you. So for me its how do you be in love with your best friend. The one person I need more anyone else on this campus. I can talk to you and feel safe. You take me for who I am and that's impossible for me to find. i need that. So being in love with you always came second, third sometimes. The most important thing to me was being your friend. Being a good friend. But like I said I was in love with you so sometimes things got complicated because of how I felt. So I withdrew because I didn't want to tell you how I felt because I didn't want to feel that way about you. I am afraid that loving you will destroy the friendship I had with you. Not that not telling you I am in love with you hasn't basically done that. But I was afraid that you wouldn't like me back and me liking you would be too weird for you and you would push me away. Like I did to you because being in love with you was too weird. Or worse than that you would like me back and then we would date and then I would fuck it up. Then you would never forgive me and now I am really in deep and i lost my best friend. I would never recover, I would never forgive myself for the pain I caused you. Not to say I haven't caused you any pain already cuz have been quite a bitch as of late and you seem to have forgiven me. ( I don't know why). It just didn't work out in my head. And now it's not working out in real life. So I am sorry I have overstayed my welcome . I will pack my stuff and go. ( It's just not fair that you can evict me from your life like its nothing yet you won't vacate the space you occupy in my heart) :( sucks just saying 

Cryptic love letters with really obvious titles

Dearest Godric,      
         Sometimes it’s easier to write an email than to say it to you out loud. I swear I have been screaming these words from the highest mountain but now I can't seem to get my tongue to form the sounds. I am sorry I have been such an ass. I have been mean to you since mid second semester. If it wasn't playfully throwing shade, I was avoiding you. And for that I am sorry. Just because I felt hurt and betrayed does not justify treating you poorly. You also didn't do anything to warrant me to feel hurt or betrayed. Or at least you don't know you did. Even through I know my feelings are invalid I still feel them and they tend to wreak havoc. I am also sorry I haven't allowed you to come visit me at home. Home is where there heart is and I have some sorting out to do first. By no means does this mean I am trying to kick you out of my heart and out of my life. I actually look at it like trying to save you and keep you in my life. I know you know I have been acting strange and I am almost positive you have ideas about why. I don't know whether I want to confirm or deny your suspicions. I don't even know if I want to know what you think. Talking about it, whatever it is, makes it real; Means I’m not crazy and that it exists. I don't know if I want that, if I’m ready for it to be real, if I am ready for things to change. even by talking things change. I want things to stay the same, I have been fighting that change for so long.  Protecting something very important and special. I've been putting it above everything my own well being  my wants, desires, and feelings. I have been being the non-bias indifferent good person I know I should be. Almost everything I have done has been in earnest. I will not leave you guessing about what is that I have done for my own selfishness. You asked me to hold the ring for you and I did. But I wore it and I loved it and it was only because I was upset that I gave it back. I fancied keeping it. I was going to buy a chain to keep it on and wear it all summer. It was going to be enough. I couldn't have wanted for more. I didn't want for more. But then out of anger I gave it back it. And again out of anger I tried to shut you out. But how could I stay angry if part of me is discontent at a lost.  I found myself upset again. I refuse to see-saw back and forth between anger and sadness only to achieve balance when you are there. It’s an unraveling sort of state to be in.  The madness of my life must stop.  I want nothing more than for it to stop. But it continues even now you see how I could want for nothing more than to have the ring but also want for an end to the madness they are opposites of the see-saw. The balance remains the same, where the see-saw only favors an end when you’re missing. I need to talk to you to appease the see-saw but I can't tell you without sacrificing what’s most important.  So far not telling has been the lesser of two evils but not ideal because I fear that there will come a time that neither outweighs the other. Where not tell is just as detrimental to my precious as giving in to my own personal gain of stopping the madness. If such a time ever arises I wonder will I still have something worth protecting or to sacrifice. Will it at that point even be worth saving? Knowing that time is against me just adds to my anxieties. This just makes me act shittier towards you. Again I do not mean it, and I am sorry. I truly do not harbor any resent meant for you. I am trying very hard to be less bitter. There really isn't anything you can do to help. I just have to get myself in order. I ask that you be patient with me while do this. It’s a balancing act you know, much like life. Where you balance what you responsibilities and your fun, work and play. Love and friends, Balance is the key.

Promised,

J Skittles

A dozen rainbow roses sent to late

Skit: I wish I was asexual

que the mellow dramatic song 

it was almost thrift shop but i decide that would fit with something else later so you go this.
I can't even right now cuz I have about a billion million other things I should be doing but all I can think about is him. Can someone please shoot me now. I have never wanted or needed to love until now and it seems like my body is aching for it like a crack addict for another hit. I like you like sweet tooth likes a candy store. I need you like fish need water and I love you like senators love prostitutes.  Fuck making my heart skip a beat you send me into cardiac arrest. Your asphyxiating. I get dizzy and can't stand straight and forget about being coherent, I will be lucky if I manage to say something that sounds remotely like english. So basicly you make look like I am having a stroke. I hope you're happy. I can't stop fidgeting with my fingers now either ever since you let me borrow that ring. You have effectively made my life  more insufferable than if I was being horribly oppressed for every one of my minorities identities (all 6 identities). Just to let you know this isn't my doing at all. I would be perfectly happy being alone, on my own (not liking or fancying anyone)  but no, you had to go and be all wonderful, nice, sweet, caring, slightly derpy but in good way, funny, smart, nerdy, understanding, like the same things I like, make connection, get along with all my friends, and emotionally supportive. You didn't stop there NO! cuz then I might resist. You had to take it to the next level and be extremely good looking toooo!!! I just want you to know if I wasn't completely out of my mind (and was not cocoa bananas over you) this would be me-> I COMPLETELY HATE YOUR GUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but no matter. I will not fall victim to your entrancing eyes and your devastating smile any more than I already have. I will do my best for my own sanity to fight it. this means war!  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I promise I will be a better blogger soon

stay frosty
Jskittles. 

skittles regrets

funny i'm the broken one but you're the only one that needs saving

I just wish he would stop pushing me away. you don't have to trust me ( I already know that's too much to ask of you),  you don't have to like me or care about me like I care about you, we don't even have to talk, just let me stay. DAM IT just let me be there for you. That’s all I want.  You don't know you need somebody. And if you do you're too proud and too scared to admit it. But I know and I am the only one here. So I guess I will have to do. Let me stay stop pushing me away. It hurts. 

                                                  Oh and by the way there are many thing I can look for in your eyes, your soul, feelings, you. But tonight all I was looking for was the truth. Did you mean what you said? Did you mean any of it? And I mean it’s not for me because it’s not about me. But I still need to know was any of it true. Because it’s about you so are you even telling you the truth?

                I know I let you in, and now you’re too close. This is my entire fault my feelings are a product of my own actions and choices. I know better than to let you in before you let me in. but I just can't shut you out. But I guess I will have to learn before I go and get hurt so I need to stop. (Just the thought alone hurts) so this is kinda about me but most of it is about you. Cuz even though it’s faint, I can feel you. I feel your pain. (I know you think I am crazy but unlike some people I am not lying at least not to you) the song is for you. 

-J skittles

skitt: when a women loves a person

it isn't bad enough that i need you in ways a can't explain and that other people can't understand. it is dam near disgraceful how much i trust you. you already know you know way to much. our friendship just isn't something quantitatively comprehensible. the system in which the two of us do more than co-exist, we help facilitate the others existence contains many other complex moving systems and parts. up to this point it has been a purely platonic relationship and could argue that it could stay that way as our relationship continues to progress and grow. but we are both to sexual for that. i mean when you put two highly sexual people in the same room.... together....... alone.......i am just surprised at our particular out come because it seems highly atypical that's all. i mean we have been best friends for a very short time because we haven't known each other for that long. but that doesn't seem to make us any less than best friends. we still have way to much fun with the simplest things than should be humanly possible. you still can't wait to tell me things and i diffidently can't wait to tell you. (they are the only one of my friends i have shared my blog with) 

**************************************side note************************************

for those of you how aren't my best friend and are going to wonder why would you right this if they can read it. well one they are my best friend i already had a talk with them before i made this view able this is just all my before thoughts that may or may not be fallowed by after thoughts depending when or if i actually tell my best friend or not. two they probably knew before i said something or before i even finished writing this. see the problem is no matter how i try to hide or conceal they can read me like and open book. thus most of the time there is no point in trying to hide things from them. third and this is more for them than you guys the feels that i now realize i feel are eating me alive. like i can't just be content anymore. i want to be with them if i can. if i can't cool but if i could or should be with you i won't be happy doing anything else. as you can see i should be doing math homework but i am writing this cuz i am so distracted. GRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

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we are best friends who happen to be really attached to one another. i am almost angry that i have come to the realization that i love you. because what was simple and true is now much more involved and complex  not to say it wasn't already but it wasn't to us. to other people our relationship is strange but what do we care cuz it works for us. but now idk if it will still work. because the reason why it worked is there was an open dialogue between us. no secretes. we didn't keep things from each other. we would tell everything if given the time to come to terms. but i can't come to terms with loving them. loving them just isn't something i should do.  its not something that should be happening. and i can't tell them about it. and i dam sure can't tell anyone else. i think this would be the one thing we would dance around. but they have to know, and they have to know that i know they know. but i really want to know is have they realized as well. i guess if i have to ask the answer is no. i don't know if they'll ever know the clarity of thing that i do.  to one day be able to wake up look back on their life and look at where they are now and go i am in love with her. but i don't know if i want them to realize or not. because its hard. its really hard loving them and trying not too ......