Skittles: and they began to eat their feelings

I did this. I always get mad at my friends who act hurt after they broke up with someone. It was their choice.  It was my choice to break up with Cyborg and now I'm moping. I don't think I'm sad over losing Cyborg but I miss having a person. I get lonely quickly, being so extroverted, I need people. Before I would spend my time traveling to see friends or hanging out with friends at home. However, daddy dearest has taken away my travel privileges while I'm in school. I can only travel during breaks. So my only option now is to work, do lots of activism, and spend time with my home friends. Yet even in knowing this, with all of my spoons ready to be used on this, I, in all of my infinite wisdom, decided to eat my feelings instead. Now given that I barely eat as is, due to my medication not by choice, it is refreshing to know that emotional turmoil trumps chemicals. Also I have been teetering on the line of healthy and under weight. If I lost too much I would be taken off a med that I like and that I feels works for me and we would begin the long guess and check process of finding a replacement. I don't want to do that. It takes forever because it usually takes between a month and six weeks for the meds start working the way that they're intended to. Then you go on a month observation to see if they work.  Then you might play with the dosage and start from beginning again.  If that doesn't work you start the whole process over with a new drug. So as I began to fall into the under weight side of the line I just so happened to brake up with Cyborg. Thus causing my lonelyness and other feelings I can not name, even with my feelings chart. I could deal with them work towards growing the meaningful relationships in my life. I might eventually get there. But instead I'm going to eat. One because I need to. Two I'm not ready to go be social every weekend unitl November. Its too dam early to start that.  Come talk to me in April and maybe by then I'll be ready to start my summer vibe. But it's February, too early for that nonsense. I can manage once a month maybe twice. I've already exceeded that for February. I've had 2 wine nights,  and partied two weekends in a row. I went out every weekend this month.  I am going to spend March in the house eating, to over correct in the opposite direction. Except for the fact that my spring break is in March and I'm going to travel because I've been deprived. I'm going to cook and eat the rest of the time though because feelings are stupid and I'd rather not deal with them in a healthy and mature manner.

Skit: More Police Brutality

This cop wasn't even on duty this time.  Story goes these teenagers are walking home.  This off duty cop yells something at one of the females. One of the males dosen't like what the off duty cop said and steps on his lawn yells something back, maybe pushes him its unclear. Anyway the off duty cop grabs the minor, the minor says something that is mistaken for I'll shoot you,  probably I'll sue you. This just aggravates the off-duty cop even more. Now the off duty cop won't let go of the minor that's where most of the videos on line pick up.  Police are called by the teens, the off duty cop drags the minor several yards. Other minors step in and try to get the of duty cop to let go of the first minor. One trys to calmly remove the off duty cops hands. That fails. One straight up takles the two of them all three of them end up on the ground.  The minors get up first and try to pull the first one away, the OFF  DUTY COP pulls his gun and shoots at them. No one is shot no one is injured  thankfully. There is so much gone wrong here.  Some idiots are blamming the teens for starting all of this.  Fun fact did you know your brain isn't fully developed until 23. The parts that are still developing are the parts that deal with logic and reasoning. This is why college students and young adults are often so impulsive and prone to bad decisions. This isn't too say that they are blame free but they deserve to be grounded, spanked, some corrective action taken by their parent or guardian. Not an off duty cop shooting at them. Death penalties are given out by the judicial system sometimes, but never to minors. What if he would have killed one of them.  Why does this off duty cop have the right to decide whether the minors live or die.  Also the fact that people are celebrating the fact that no one is dead is the lowest freaking bar we could have for police whether they are shooting on duty or off duty. The bar should be higher, we should exspect more from a trained professional. But we can't because of the thousands of questionable leathal shootings carried out by police since 2005 only 13 where convicted. Now these minors are all people of color from the video not a white one amongst them.  The officer is white though. I smell some racism we'll come back to that later. Why did a grown man feel the need to put his hands on a minor. The minor was unarmed. He's not related to said minor. He's not on duty. His life isn't being threatened. He isn't protecting anyone. Why did an adult feel the need to put their hands on a minor? Do you see the "but the teens are also at fault here" argument  breakdown. If the teens are being held responsible for their actions, how responsible should we be holding your average adult here? How does that responsibility increase knowing that he's an off-duty cop? (I'm actually screaming at my computer writing this. I have drangon so I don't type I talk. Or in this case scream.) I'm not a police officer but I'm legally an adult. The number at times I have wanted to put my hands on a minor is unfathomable. Have I ever done it. No, because assault is illegal, and assaulting a minor is worse. Other than clear adultism and probably a lot of racism, why would and off duty cop do something illgeal. Well because they can.  On duty they are above the law why should they feel any different off duty? No one is going to hold this man accountable for his actions. This happened Tuesday, the video was viral by Wednesday. There was a protest Wednesday night because nothing had been done.  It is Thursday night no charges have been filled against him and he has yet to be arrested. Also he still has a job and no action at work has been taken against him. Not even a simple repermand. If Iwas a cop I would be robbing banks. Cyborg says we have taken steps in the right direction because of public unrest due to these incidence but I don't see it. There has been more videos taken of officers doing wrong and more unrest but still no response. Or not the results we want. What are young people of color to do, because they are trying to kill us. These are not isolated incidents. This is a systemic problem within our police force that no one wants to address of racism and power tripping. Trump wants to give police more power. What are we to do?

Skittles: follow up to hine sight has better vision

I tried to forge my own path. I really did because all my options sucked. I succeeded partly. Amoriartii and I worked out how I wanted but, Cyborg and I did not.  We just need different things. I tried really hard to get both but in the end I had to pick so I went left. I'm at "well dam I tried" which isn't bad but it's not " thank God".

Skit: in today's shity history

They forced native people of their land again because history has taught us nothing.  They also decided Transgender children are second class citizens who don't deserve our protection in a place they should be safe, school. I'm more than done with today I don't have the spoons for it.  As a native person the atrocities that keep happening to my people in 2017 are dumbfounding. The native people got forced off thier land in Hawaii so rich white man could have his slice of pardise and our court system helped him do it.  If that doesn't scream colonialism loud enough for you the no DALP protesters where forced off thier land to so that thier water could be poisoned just like two other POC communities here in America ( Flint, Mi and St. Joseph, LA ). Then Trump proved he is the biggest bully and denied children the right to pee in the bathroom that makes them comfortable. Its children and it's thier bathroom and they already face so much bullying, more than thier cisgender counter parts and he just made thier life that much more of a living hell. Transgender kids are already more likely to commit sucide why is he pushing them.  This is wrong. No more spoons though. I have been fighting so many fights for myself, then my community, then my country, then with in my community. If my country could just stop fucking up for just one day so I can rest that would be great. 

Skit: do it all in the name of love

As you may have guessed me and Amoriartii's story isn't over.  It's not perfect but its not over and that's the most important part to me.  We are on a pause where we aren't trying or activitly work on falling more in love with each other. We are going to keep in touch and be the closest of friends we can be having this romantic history. I will actually get to spend more time with them because they are doing 50 bills 50 states, which is a push to end conversion therapy in all 50 states. So they will be all over the us and flying through my airports a lot so they will take long layovers and we will get lunch or dinner  before they go home.  I am really excited for all of that.  I will get to come visit in the summer and we will move from there. But why would I do this it just seems like I'm dragging out inevitable pain. Well one I like to avoid pain at all cost, even if that cost is at my detriment eventually. Two because if you haven't gathered this already I'm madly in love with them.  I do it all for love.  Its crazy I know to take an indeterminate time off but it's what we both need right now.  They are proposing to Felix in May and need time to just foucus on that.  I need to foucus on Cyborg because we are in a really fragile place. If I want to make this relationship work with him I have to give it the attention it deserves. So I'm trying. I can't say I'm still not hurting because I want more but I know I can't have that right now. Love is supposedly patient so I will wait for as long as I can because I really want this. I love Amoriartii. I'll do almost anything in the name of love.

Skittles: hine sight has better vision

I'm standing here at what will I do. Which comes before "oh my god what have I done",  or more fimilar to most people,  "why didn't I do that". I don't know which future I want to live in. I want a happy medium where I don't go right or left I just continue straight ahead. Basically making it as I go on. But I don't know if I can make that an option. Sometimes you have to pick between what your dealt and those are your only options. I might let you know later this weekend what happens.  Hopefully I'm not at " oh crap"

Skitt: winter really isn't my season

2/10 Cyborg broke up with me yesterday ( about 2 hours ago). Again I thought it would hurt more than it does.  I guess when you just continuously compounding pain you get to a point where more doesn't hurt more.   I guess I'm too busy mourning one relationship to mourn another.  I guess I have seen this coming and it was always a matter of when. I think I'm too numb to care. I cried for all of five minutes then went on alerting my friends, changing my relationship status on Facebook, and making plans on when to come get my stuff. I knew exactly what song to listen to as to numb me even more. We are very different but I think I preferd it that way.  I tried being with someone so similar to me and that nearly ended me. I'm already so broken this love can't break me. 

Update 2/13:
We are back together.

2/26: We are officially over. I knew Monday it wasn't going to work and he knew Tuesday we were on borrowed time. I have given him every reason to walk away and it's like he's almost hoping for a miracle so that he could stay. I say almost because he knows that even if he stayed we would never work long term. I have asked God for Amoriartii a million times and I have always been answered. I would feel wrong leaving a huge part of my life for something I know won't work. It just doesn't make sense, yet I'm tried to stay. I  looked for one good reason to stay. I ask for what I would need and Cyborg just simply said he can't give me what I would need to stay. I have prayed for answer I already knew, hoping it wasn't true. He's a good one and I didn't want to let him go. But both of us have a million reasons to leave and we can't find even one reason to stay.