Skit: slow motion

My brain moves faster than my life. I'm ready for March 2017 but it's not even August 2016 yet. I've already thought through the brake ups, the make ups, and the heartbreak. I think I'm going to pose a serious question to Amoriartii in February that will either move us forward or end us. I'm going to ask them if they could ever life me the way I love them. If the answer is yes I'll wait. I'll wait because every love song reminds me of them and sets my soul on fire. I love them in one of those non verbal spiritual ways where my soul recognizes theirs as my equal and other half. To the moon and back. Till the rivers run dry. Till the mountains move. Pass the ending of worlds. However, if the answer is no I'm going to ask them to break my heart. That's the only way I can get over them. My heart needs to be broken so it can be made again anew. I'm going to need them to tell me they don't love me and never will and mean it, because I know when they lie. My heart will break so incredibly loud, it will probably shatter me. But I will need this. I will live some how and find another to love after a lot of healing. Years of healing.  But like I said it's only August and I have quite a few things to deal with this month. Such as my month long hiatus. Where I will write but I won't post anything until September. I need to decided if I want to stay with Cyborg. He loves me so much but do I feel the same? I also need to do school things, which is always so much fun. Plenty to keep me busy until then. I'll see you all in September.

Skitt: A train ride, A silent movie.

We ride the trian in silence.
Not becuase we're upset,
we just don't have anything to say.
That's fine I guess.
But I've never run out of words before.
It's an odd feeling.
Like running out of time,
it leaves you feeling empty.
I've noticed myself feeling empty a lot lately.
Even when I'm with Cyborg.
I try not to read to much into it,
but it's my nature.
I don’t expect anyone to make me feel full.
But I don't know if a person can leave you feeling empty.
I keep telling myself its just me,
becuase it probably is.
I run away from things that are good for me.
I get bored and move on instead of trying to make it fun again.
Cyborg bores me.
That's not his fault.
I should try harder to be fun.
There are many things that I want to do that we haven't done.
We should do them.
Or I could do them by myself.
I think that's my debate.
Whether I want to be empty by myself or alone togther.
I feel like I'm riding the train with a stranger.
But if I wanted to rest my head I could,
and that perk is nice.
We don't talk so much anymore, Cyborg and I.
I think a lot that I don't say.
Half becuase I'm afraid of his reaction,
half becuase I don't want him to know.
I don’t want him to know how sad I am.
Or my lack of will to live.
I don't want him knowing my drive is dead and gone
and I'm left merely existing.
I thought about telling him something.
I was going to tell him
I come up with little things to want
to give me some reason to go on.
I deemed it to sad and to true
so I let him go on and complain about dinner
as if it wasn't one of those little things that actually matter.
As if I was happy we had dinner.
As if I was happy.
I'm going away for a month and I'm going to see if I want to be empty and alone
or if I'm just sad
This could be one of my last silent train rides.
I think we both know that if we stay the course
it most certainly will be.
But I'm the one only one who can fix us.
I have to be the one to change.
Maybe I'll say something.
Or maybe I'll enjoy my peaceful train.

Skitt: it might be my only chance

I am taking a leave of absence in August due to my health.  I won't have to work or go to school. All I have to do is try to get better. I won't be able to see my friends and I have a strict visitation list that some of my family will be on.  I'll be gone for a month with limited internet access. So I'll write but I probably won't get a chance to upload anything until September. With all this time to foucus on myself I have a once in a lifetime chance to get over amoriartii.  I will have all this time to foucus on me without any way to contact them.  I desperately want to give us a chance.  I've waited 3 years for this. But it is killing me. The problem is I don't if we be togther before limbo kills me.  If we aren't I need to take this opportunity. But I know I haven't given limbo enough time. I gave us pretending not to have feelings for each other 3 years.  Its only been 6 months.  I know I'm in a rush and quick too act but it's only becuase I really want this. Having to let it go would be hard and excruciatingly painful. But holding on means I will never get a chance to get over them in one fail swoop so quickly ever again. I need to decide if my temporary unhappiness and future pain, if I choose wrong, is worth the chance at a possible life time of happiness.

Skitt: Unsteady

I'm falling.  I'm failing.  I need help.
Disappointment fills the air. Mother I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted me to be.
 Father you can't talk to me.
 I've been alone all my life in this broken disfunctional family.
You can't come to me now.
I've failed.
I'm on the bottom.
I can't get any lower
Will someone help me?
Brother you can do better than me.
Sister be the hero I still need you to be.
If you love me hold me so close and never let me go.
Or let me be free
I'm tired
I'm bloody
I'm dying.
Will anyone save me?
Friends I've betrayed you.
Love I've hurt you.
I know you're all fed up of trying.
Stop fighting me.
If you knew me you'd let me go.
If you know me you should save my life. Hold on to me I'm too close to the egde and I'm a little unsteady.

Skit: San Francisco Pride 2016

I went to San Fan pride this year and forgot to write about it.  The parade was way to long and boring. I honestly like Chicago's better. However San Francisco pride fest after the parade is on some other level type stuff. If you have ever been to a EDM music fest its like that but Queer. Everyone smells like weed. There are rainbows everywhere. There are also a good amount of naked or basically nude people. The music is your standard club music at the main stage but you can find other varieties at the other stages. You can get laid if that's what you're looking for. There is no shortage of or liquor to be bought. All in all I would recommend.

What made this one different is Orlando of course. To see all these people out being who they are loving how they want was powerful. To be there with only other POCs was even better.  To say that I went with only POCs. It was moving to be at San Francisco's city hall on the steps kissing my friend under a rainbow. It was crazy and intense and a rejuvenating moment. I felt that there was hope.

Black lives still matter

In the wake of two shootings and lynching ( yes there was a hanging in  Piedmont Park and nobody herd about it. The media buried it) my father called me. He said in short do  what you can to keep yourself safe becuase "I don't want to bury my child." He knows I'm an activist and he literally beg me to stop.  He is fed up with the way things are and agrees marching and protesting bring about change. But I'm his only child and as much as he wants me to go out and change the world he wants me alive. This is a very serious conversation black families continuously have to have. This world has been built upon our back. The American dream is one we help provide, not one we get to enjoy. Your life matters but is also seen as worthless and a threat. When I was little my dad would say my beautiful black girl you are magic.  You are a queen.  They fear you. They envy you. They hate you.  They will try to hurt you, to kill you.  You are greater than thier hate because you are black.  You are a black girl and you are a magical queen. I didn't understand until Trevon Martin. I thought I was going to break my heart hurt so much when he was murdered. Yet I before you remain unbroken. Beaten and bloody but unbroken. I will continue to have black lives matter talks until my chest no longer draws breath. I will continue to protest even when I can't walk, for I will have a wheelchair and a younger person will push me.  But for now I will rest.  I am tried and my father doesn't want to bury his child. I have tears I need to cry and screams that are clogging my throat. I will do what I can to stay safe when I can't call the police, can't defend myself, and can't trust my fellow man. I will do what I can where I can't be queer,  I can't be black, I'm not female but that doesn't stop me from facing the oppressions that come with a female body, plus having a disability. I ask that we do what we can to keep each other safe and in community. Reach out to each other with love. It will be the only way we can make it through this.  Love is what keeps me going and keeps me unbroken. If I do continue to do one thing it will be provide support through love. So if you can't march or protest, love someone who can.  Be there for them. #blacklivesmatter

Daily struggles

So when ever my boyfriend Cyborg, who is white,  ask me about my meeting or events I attend I'm always very tempted  to say a POC meeting where we planned to take back from white people. You know switch it up. Since you are  actually the minority actually make you feel like it.  But I'm too much of an activist so he might take me seriously