skit: all by myself

I use to be an only child. I spent about 5 years in my mother's house without anybody else there but us. I use to talk to wind and play with the shadows. I was very imaginative and I could spend hours alone. I don't know how I did it. I can't stand people, but I can't stand being by myself more I don't even like to sleep alone.  Going to college was more than just a move it meant being on my own for the first time since I was five. Let's just say for the first two years I didn't really handle the change well. I didn't even realize that that was part of the problem until today. There is an indecribale feeling of loneliness that has overtaken me since I left home. And I didn't know it was the lack of intimate, meaningful moments that were causing this void. When I was at home there was always someone I could share space with, to talk to, just to generally annoy and to connect with. Here, yes, I have a roommate, but it isn't the same; I think my roommate will think I am strange if I just came and cuddle them. So I guess I have to learn how to be by myself. Just because I am alone doesn't mean I should be lonely, and I feel like because I am I don't know myself. It's like I don't love myself enough, or trust myself enough to stand on my own two feet and I need to able to do that. I shouldn't need anyone else but myself. I mean people need people because we are social creatures we will die in isolation. However, I should be able to survive in a world where I do talk to people and I don't always make these intimate connections. That's fine too. Here's to learning to be a functional person who isn't too needy and dependant on everyone around them. 

Skit: Desire Map

How do you go about saying what you need when you don't know yourself? Not to come off as callow but I really just like to snuggle. To share personal space with someone whose company I enjoy is altruistic. It's a peaceful joy similar to a field of lighting bugs on a warm summer night with a full moon and billions of stars. Somewhere void of street lights and neon signs. Where the late night songs of traffic and sirens are replaced with crickets, frogs and doves. Just the simple satisfaction of the stillness within that is only juxtaposed by the reselling of the breeze through the leaves and across the grass. A breeze that gently caresses the skin, that's how softly the joy that overflows from my being covers me, engulfs me really. ... I can't help but want to share the happiness that... If I can bring delight to the person that has brought me bliss, then the day is truly glorious. If I can be there when they need me and give them more them a shoulder to cry on then my ears have been put to good use. If I can give them to them to show them that I care, then that's money well spent. But if I can return to them an ounce of the jubilance that they bring to me simply allowing me to be in their life then my soul will indeed understand what nirvana is. I guess I want the simple pleasures in life: to get to know someone, to be close to someone, to be let in, and to feel understood, not to be judged, not to judge, to actually be able to have open and honest communication, to be comfortable enough to just be able to sit in silence, to trust and be trusted. To be able to laugh, to cry and everything in between.
Stay fierce
J skittles

Skit: I have a type

So I have a type of boy that I like. Okay, I like boys, but I feel like I tend to like one specific subcategory of boy, ( boy as in person I identify as male, they may not actually identify as male). I like boys that love girls, but like to have sex with boys because my life just wasn't complicated enough. Like I don't even think I should be in a romantic anything right thing right now. To say I am a train wreck would be putting it politely. My life looks like some north east Asian coastal village in the north pacific after a typhoon. But storms don't stop life from going on, babies are born during storms and after the weather passes people rebuild because we're resilient little creatures. So I guess that's why my heart, my whatever determines attraction and triggers these feelings, decided that I was going to like a boy. First off, when is the last time I liked a girl. Can we get some balance, please? Second, I know life goes on and if I do it right, I will eventually pick the pieces of my life off the ground dust them off and fit them back together. But until then can we keep the feelings to a minimum. Like the union is in a state of crises and only essential functions will be kept running. So that would be the department of breathing, the circulatory system, the division eating and all the necessary facilities that make that division run smoothly, and whatever helps me keep up a front to our enemies so they don't think we are weak and attack. That's it. Romance is not a necessity and will need to shut down immediately. We all know that the department of romance is actually the department of  shenanigans anyway. Nobody does any real work in the romance building anyway. The rumor is that everyone who works there just sit around and plots how to sabotage the union and make the fearless dictator look bad. Cut it out. Okay, but on a serious note. It feels like I am choking to death on the words I can't seem to get out. I mean I may not have mastered English yet, but since I have been speaking English all of my life you would think I would have some sort of competency in it. Nope! In fact, when I try to even get my tongue to form one word,  or just part of the thought, it's like I lose all skill in vocal communication. And if I was also not choking on every other part of my mouth except for my teeth because they are held securely in place by my gums ( thank God, like I didn't even know my tongue could slide down my throat ) here is probably what would come out " me Skittles I have legs do you like bread I like potatoes bye..... I like you" when I really meant to say something like this " Cute boy I saw you in the classroom today as the sun came from behind the clouds a burst of brilliant light caught your silhouette and set fire to my soul. I was inspired and I immediately read the words of Dofstietsiy and Carl Marx. Through rash and foolish you may think me  for speaking to you this way I leave with these words of Chaucer " Who else may be a fool but one in love!" ". Does anyone else see the difference? Right! In my head, I am a ladies man, but in the few inches between my brain and my mouth something gets lost in translation, which is strange because I really only speak one language (and I don't even speak that one fluently). I think my neurons are playing telephone because that is the only thing that even semi explains this BS. Or I have one other hypothesis about why I am so bad at this. I suck at human communication because I am not really human. I am either an alien or what was right before human. That would make sense. How am I suppose to understand humans or be a good person if I'm not human. You can't force unrealistic expectations onto me, that's not fair, I won't stand for it (mostly because I am lazy and don't like to stand). Just leave the poor alien/ underdeveloped human alone. Not like alone in a box I would like a kitten or something, but alone as in stop poking at me. I mean I could grow a spine and handle this like the adult I am suppose to be but that would be way too mature for me. Instead, I think I am just going to let my fear of rejection and confrontation consume me like I am going to consume these two boxes of thin mints.  Song

Stay Fierce yo
J skittles