Skittles: Where is the pain of heartbreak?

I am mourning the death of my relationship with Amoriartii. It is over. We're not friends, lovers, or even acquaintances. That is the hardest part for me not even being friends. I feel like I lost part of myself that I really liked because we were so similar. I had so much to say. I was/am so sorry. I wanted to apologize. I still will but I want to wait a bit. God, I loved them. I still do. It's a different love, or it will be. I'm not okay but I'm not in pain. This doesn't hurt and I'm very suspicious. I keep waiting for it to hurt. I honestly believe this will be the most excruciating break up I've ever or will ever have. I've only ever known the end of love to be painful. I'm sad. I miss them. There's definitely a longing but not really any pain. There wasn't a big fight, it didn't go up in a explosion of flames, nor did it crash and burn. It was more like a coma were there brain is still very much active. My subconscious was figuring things out. Then out of nowhere, quietly but suddenly, death. After we stopped talking for a year it was always going to end this way. But I thought it would be agonizing. I thought there would be anger, harsh words, the heat of the moment, a fight, tears, and maybe some yelling. But it was none of that. Just a sudden end. Like if I were to just stop right here in the middle of this post but with less obvious build up. So, I'm sad and I cry a lot. Not many people understand and no amount of explanation helps. We had a love people had to see to believe. I don't have a lot of people in my life who get that I just spend some of my time crying about this. As far as handling the end of this relationship I'm having very specific challenges. I don't really struggle with not stalking Amoriartii on Facebook. I also don't try to contact them. I conquered all of those vices while we were still together. I don't re-read letters or emails. I don't keep looking at our photos together. We still work together so I see them, very rarely through. I am trying to avoid them but I'm also self-sabotaging. I struggle because I'm a creature of habit. There are specific times during the year where we would absolutely see each other. Twice in the summer, once in the fall, and once in the winter. I first summer meetup just passed and it was difficult. Doing something different on purpose is a reminder in itself. I pretend to be happy, while really being miserable. I also worked an event which was mind-numbingly repetitive. Though due to the simplicity of the work I could spend most of my time actually sitting in my feelings. I could feel, not have to hide my emotions, and not talk to anyone. That event helped. I think work is going to be how I get through the summer. Work so my emotions can pervade through my entire being.