skit: leaving friends that hurt me

I'm to old to be acting this foolish. I know it's wrong but I want it anyway. Nothing good is going to come of this. But I bet I do it anyway. I don't know how to do the hard thing. I don't have the self control to not give into my impulses. I want to learn from my mistake instead of repeating them. I know exactly what I'm doing and how dangerous of a game it is. The problem is I also know I'm good at the game. There are no winners and it all ends in pain but I can have a lot of fun before that comes. The worst part is I don't even know why I am playing. I didn't want to play this game in the beginning. I was adamant that I wasn't going to play. Now look at me. So deep in it. And for what? She'll never change. She'll grow but she will never choose me. She'll never love me. Not the way I deserve. I have a chance to avoid the head on collision but I can't seem to swerve. The timing is all wrong. I deserve the summer. I don't want to hurt for the rest of the year. I've been through pain all winter. Can't I get a reprieve? It's not like doesn't hurt already. I'm just ignoring that pain. But if I open those flood gates there's no going back. My heart will be broken. I will lose my friend. I don't know how I let it get this bad. I want it all. I want my friend without the lectures and pain with the bond we've cultivated. But I think the intimacy I crave will always come at this cost. I am worth the love I give away. I need to find it and stop hurting myself with people I know will never work. I knew I knew I knew. And I did it anyway. I need to let be over. I just can't seem to stop myself. Cuz it's just hurting me. There is nothing here for me and I know this. So why am I still here. Why can't I leave. Why do I run to her when she doesn't want me. I'm going to leave in pieces and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm just procrastinating cutting myself open. Stalling all the way to the execution chamber. What's will come will come there's no stopping it. Just acceptance.

Skittles: Things I'm going to miss about Lovely

I keep thinking about things that I'm going to miss about Lovely. So every time I think of a new one I'm going to add it to this list:

•Hot air balloons

•Discussing the philosophy of cannibalism

•Watching her play overwatch

•recaps of horror movies I am to afraid to watch

•hot takes

•her linguistic idiosyncrasies

•her aesthetic

•Yuri on Ice

•Her mom

•her niblings

•Albuquerque

• the rest of her family

•watching her do her makeup

•her smile

• her reading

•her hair

•Her tattos

•the sound of her voice

•the little thing she does with her hand when she's in executive mode

•the face she makes when she's really satisfied with something

•the sound of her laugh

•how her hair always smells like coconuts

•the way she stands when she smokes

•her acceptance

•her patience

•how clearly she communicated

•her help with fashion

•just sharing space with her

•her sense of humor

•her behind the camera

•listening to her talk about anything she's passionate about

•her kindness

•her empathy

•her musical talent

•listening to her play music

•snuggles

•her strength

•how she always kept me guessing

•her impeccable taste

•how her face lights up when she's really happy

•holding pinkies

•how she gets mad when I buy her stuff but she really appreciates it

•Albuquerque

•the trust

•the closeness

•the comfort

•the safety

•constantly working to be better

Skittles: we're not okay

I hate losing close friends more than I hate losing romantic partners. I hate losing friends when I did nothing wrong. When nothing went wrong but it's still over. 

I swear everything was fine and now it's not and it's not because anything happened. I saw her in June and it was hard but but the end we were okay. We talked about me coming later in the year and we were both happy. Then the next time we checked in it was done. It's just over. I didn't even get to see her before we got to this point. NOTHING!!!!! NOTHING brought us to point. Not a fight. Not one of us being shitty. It's just a product of our current situation. 

So I'm grieving and sad. I loved Lovely. I wanted her nick name to actually be Love Lace and I think she would find it fitting if I had called her that on hear. There are so many things I'm going to miss and so many things I never got around too. I still owe her a camera, a jacket, and a trip to the Philippines. I'll get around to them eventually but it's going to be strange. Never the less I still feel obligated to give her the things I promised. I'm a person of my word and social awkwardness won't keep me from that.

Thinking about saying my final goodbyes are tearing me up inside. I'm hurt, angry, sad, and frustrated. I have no one to direct those feelings at because it's not her fault. I'm also not at fault. There's nothing I can fix and there's no take away. There's no action to be done other than to move on and that's not a conducive pathway for me to funnel my emotions into. I want to be able to do something so I can feel better. So that continuing to live is easier.

Lovely and I aren't friends anymore. She is also leaving KU along with 90% of the board (my decision).  She doesn't have time for me in her life and our relationship only works in person. So if she doesn't have time for me to visit I don't see her. I'm not moving to New York and she's not moving to Chicago over a friendship. We just need to return some personal belongings of ours that the other has and that will be it. I just want to return her stuff but honestly, I don't want anything back. My stuff will smell like her and I am not strong enough to cope with that. So she can keep it all. 

I don't know what to say to her but I know have to say something.  But I can't think of anything. I want to be prepared so I don't just stare at her like I'm staring at my screen, crying and silent. I can't say "I love you", "I love you goodby", or "Goodbye love". It's cruel to tell her I love her and then not be friends with her anymore. Even though it's the truth, telling her would hurt. Because it hurts me to know that she loves me but can't be in my life. I can't say "Goodbye", "Farewell", or "So long". It's to impersonal. It's also true but so cold, unfeeling, and doesn't capture all the emotions of our relationship and the moment. I'm leaning towards a hug and "Be safe". We'll be saying our final goodbyes at a conference and the is pretty standard. But also I want her to be safe. I want her to live a long happy life that's fulfilling and she's loved. Be safe means I care about you and you're wellbeing in the future. So if I can't think of anything profound to say I'll go with that. 

Lovely's break up song is Miserable at Best  by Mayday Parade

Skittles: Where is the pain of heartbreak?

I am mourning the death of my relationship with Amoriartii. It is over. We're not friends, lovers, or even acquaintances. That is the hardest part for me not even being friends. I feel like I lost part of myself that I really liked because we were so similar. I had so much to say. I was/am so sorry. I wanted to apologize. I still will but I want to wait a bit. God, I loved them. I still do. It's a different love, or it will be. I'm not okay but I'm not in pain. This doesn't hurt and I'm very suspicious. I keep waiting for it to hurt. I honestly believe this will be the most excruciating break up I've ever or will ever have. I've only ever known the end of love to be painful. I'm sad. I miss them. There's definitely a longing but not really any pain. There wasn't a big fight, it didn't go up in a explosion of flames, nor did it crash and burn. It was more like a coma were there brain is still very much active. My subconscious was figuring things out. Then out of nowhere, quietly but suddenly, death. After we stopped talking for a year it was always going to end this way. But I thought it would be agonizing. I thought there would be anger, harsh words, the heat of the moment, a fight, tears, and maybe some yelling. But it was none of that. Just a sudden end. Like if I were to just stop right here in the middle of this post but with less obvious build up. So, I'm sad and I cry a lot. Not many people understand and no amount of explanation helps. We had a love people had to see to believe. I don't have a lot of people in my life who get that I just spend some of my time crying about this. As far as handling the end of this relationship I'm having very specific challenges. I don't really struggle with not stalking Amoriartii on Facebook. I also don't try to contact them. I conquered all of those vices while we were still together. I don't re-read letters or emails. I don't keep looking at our photos together. We still work together so I see them, very rarely through. I am trying to avoid them but I'm also self-sabotaging. I struggle because I'm a creature of habit. There are specific times during the year where we would absolutely see each other. Twice in the summer, once in the fall, and once in the winter. I first summer meetup just passed and it was difficult. Doing something different on purpose is a reminder in itself. I pretend to be happy, while really being miserable. I also worked an event which was mind-numbingly repetitive. Though due to the simplicity of the work I could spend most of my time actually sitting in my feelings. I could feel, not have to hide my emotions, and not talk to anyone. That event helped. I think work is going to be how I get through the summer. Work so my emotions can pervade through my entire being.

Skittles: not built it for it

This is where I am right now

I am a leader. I am a fighter. I am a fire. I am an engineer. I am a do-er.

Leaders lead. Fighters fight. Fires burn, consume, warm, cook, give life, take life, and die. Engineers solve specific types of problems, invent, and fix things. Do-er do. None of these things Love. They are loved. They can kind of love, but not romantically, and its usually passion or loyalty. They can do many things, but are not made to love.

Fish are made to swim. No matter how bad it wants to climb that is not what it is made to do. If it spends it's whole life in the hopeless pursuit of something it is simply incapable of doing, its going to feel like failure. It could just accept the limitation. It would save the fish a lot of pain.

I am starting to think I'm not made to love. I don't seem to know how to do it right. I tend to like the toxicity. I don't think I know how to do it right. Even when I try to have a healthy relationship, I ruin it or I run from it.

I hurt Vendetta. One of the point of no return type of hurt. I didn't mean to. But this is over. We haven't said it yet but I know. I love her and I can't hurt her like this again. If I stay it will keep happening becuase I'm learning how not to, but it is going to take time. I can't ask her to wait for me to learn. To willingly let me hurt her. I won't.

I think its time to stop trying to do something I'm not meant for. I'll save myself and others a lot of pain.

Skittles: no more, maybe

Amoriartii has broken up with. Not saying we were ever officially together but they have end whatever we did have. There is a surprising lack of emotional reaction from me. I expected to be broken, shattered really. But I feel slightly annoyed at best. I feel like my body is in shock and just can't deal with what should feel like a huge tragedy. All my dreams and then amended dreams have been nixed. I have been cast aside by email. Yes, this exchange took place via email. I asked a simple question and somehow got dumped. I just can't believe this is happening because no one understands them like I do. We can talk with out words. We have a love that everyone can see, even our partners. Felix saw it the moment they met me me. I think it is this disbelief  and shock that prevents me from reacting appropriately. I don't think I am ready to move on yet. This love has been more like an addiction and now I am suppose to quit cold turkey? I wrote a post where I knew that we were never meant to last and that I would have to let go eventually, but I was talking a couple of years from now. My biggest issues is how could they just let me go like they don't care about me at all? It all seems so easy for them to say I can't love you, I don't love you. But I know they do. Everyone but them knows they love me. Its in the way they talk to me, the way they hold me, the way they look at me. But I have agreed to this madness.  I even pulled out of their life, kind of. I use to visit them every month just to see them and spend time with them. Now I will see them every six months or so just like I see all of my other out of state friends. Just like all of my other friends, but we aren't friends we never have been friends. I don't know how to just be friends with them. This is bullocks. I am just so surprised that after three years of yes, no, yes, no, maybe, okay yes, that we are back at no. And that I am not in a ball on the floor. I don't think I will handle this well by any means but so far so good, so maybe. I don't think it will hit me until I see them and can't kiss them. I can't hold them. I can't love them. Then if that happens I will proceed to fall to pieces. But we are the type of people to say one thing and then do a completely different thing. So this looks like the end but we'll see. I see them in briefly in January. If life is different I will mourn. But if things are the same I will just be very confused. I am betting on confused. Not because I don't want to hurt but I honestly can't believe it's over. How did we get here, when did we cross the bridge? When did our love become water under that bridge? (and can we please go back and pretend we didn't)

skit: clossing a chapter and finishing a book

So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be part of your life. No matter how much I want it, or what I would do for it, or how freaking awesome I am it's not happening. Fine. I am starting to see that I have outgrown my usefulness to you and that we were never meant to be a forever type of friendship . I was just a brief passing moment and now our moment is over. The smoke from the flame has long since dissipated in the air, and the scent from candle wax it melted has faded. Nothing but a memory, a line of $2.68 on the bank statement, the only proof of something that is now the past. All I have are these PHOTOGRAPHS < clicks. And  they are not even of the most important times that I spent with you. i don't have a single photo of your arm around me. Or my arm around you. I don't have a photo of us in Chem lecture sipping cocoa not one of us actually learning. I don't have one of us laughing. I don't have you laughing. I don't have the face you make when are you drawing molecules in the air. Or the times I would just make faces at you when we were doing homework. Or any of us just chillin' in your apartment. And I suppose most of this is my fault I have the camera and I made things weird. And I was the one who got mad. I guess I am still mad.... cuz it hurts..... It feels like I'm dying and you could save me but you just walked away. I guess I walked away too. I guess I walked away first. But it was really hard for me. It is still really hard for me. When this all started, when I looked up and realized I had already fallen madly in love with you I couldn't deal with it. I wanted to be friends and that's it. I still just want to be friends. But..... I..... I  love you. So for me its how do you be in love with your best friend. The one person I need more anyone else on this campus. I can talk to you and feel safe. You take me for who I am and that's impossible for me to find. i need that. So being in love with you always came second, third sometimes. The most important thing to me was being your friend. Being a good friend. But like I said I was in love with you so sometimes things got complicated because of how I felt. So I withdrew because I didn't want to tell you how I felt because I didn't want to feel that way about you. I am afraid that loving you will destroy the friendship I had with you. Not that not telling you I am in love with you hasn't basically done that. But I was afraid that you wouldn't like me back and me liking you would be too weird for you and you would push me away. Like I did to you because being in love with you was too weird. Or worse than that you would like me back and then we would date and then I would fuck it up. Then you would never forgive me and now I am really in deep and i lost my best friend. I would never recover, I would never forgive myself for the pain I caused you. Not to say I haven't caused you any pain already cuz have been quite a bitch as of late and you seem to have forgiven me. ( I don't know why). It just didn't work out in my head. And now it's not working out in real life. So I am sorry I have overstayed my welcome . I will pack my stuff and go. ( It's just not fair that you can evict me from your life like its nothing yet you won't vacate the space you occupy in my heart) :( sucks just saying 

Skit: break up slam

if i sent you a poem to tell you how i felt
would it make more sense then
adding rhythm and rhyme
to add depth to a line
because when the words come out of my mouth
they don’t seem to have the same effect
as when i write them down
perform them
do you think more thought goes into them
because i take the time to move my fingers across a bigger keybored
instead of just texting to you
why should the method or mode of communication determine the severity of the words
if i write them down beforehand
does that me the words on the paper yield a greater emotional value
than the ones coming out of my mouth
off the top of my head
if anything thing
i think the value of honesty in the words depreciates
from the time i write them down
to the time i send them to you
because the real words
flying out of my mouth before i can run it through the filters for political corrections
those are the truth
and the reality of the situation is
you would rather have some pretty lies mixed with some cleaned up half truth
then my whole raw unprocessed honesty
if the paper could talk
would it tell you all the pretty lies you really want to hear?
because this piece of paper is what you would rather talk to
than me
and i think it is about time we have a conversion of own
completely unedited and uncensored
so that all the “bullshit of i am sorry when you're really not” doesn’t get through
i want your heat of the moment
emotions
you hothead temper
with quick wit and a quicker wip of a tongue
does she even exist anymore
no, not no more

maybe this peices of paper will show you
not everything could be fixed through written text
sometimes spoken word is a necessity
starting and ending with some slam
looks like we have come full circel
looks like you just don’t know me anymore
and i don’t get you no more
i love poetry just as much as the next but really
i am not that needy
i don’t make insane demands
if it is poetry you want then poetry you will get
i hope it helps you understand

i wish i could blame our problem on separation and distance
but really the only thing dividing us is a pen
and a piece of paper
our divide is paper thin
but feels like mountains and valleys are between
and it will take the force of a moving mountin
to tear this paper apart
i honestly can’t believe paper was stronger than us
stronger than what was in our hearts.

me and my most recent ex have been broken up for a while now actually, but i heard this song playing on NICS: Los Angles (which i don't watch but my dad does. i personally perfer the original) and i had to write. i just felt compelled to get out all these words in my head that kept popping up as the song played. it wasn't till after i was done writing did i read it and go ( this suck not really) this is about my ex. i thought it ever fitting to be the end of the end considering how we began. she asked me out through poetry and we solved our problems through poetry. the first time she said she loved me was in poem. so i thought after writing this what a couth way to end it all and i figured i would share it (more of my bad poetry) with you. here is the song by the way > No more

oh ps just in case you were wondering when i update my blog it is at noon central daylight time and on wednesday. if you are wondering how the summer schedule is going to be like. i am not sure yet. i have been writing a lot lately so there is a lot waiting to be posted. due to this back log i won't have to modify my writing until probably mid July. presently 5/29 i have about 3 weeks of stressful school left (and stress yields writing) so we will see how much goes down before school ends and then when i actually get to my summer vacation i will know how busy i will be. i will also be able to better gauge my laziness. so short answer i don't know but maybe i will be able to tell you half way through July in which case it will only be modified for a month and then i will have an all new schedule for college. 

Stay Fierce