Honestly it is 6:30 pm the day before halloween and i just thought about writing a halloween post. i haven't been feeling very festive as of late. i blame the college struggles academic and social. i am a freshman and even though i hang out with the older kids ( hahaha it makes me laugh to say it like that, it reminds me of middle school and high school) i haven't started acting like them yet. normally i become one of them but that hasn't happened i am still very freshman like. in their words " i'm still a baby" and in my own words "i'm a tortoise". if we bring it all together i'm a baby tortoise. great. i'm not use to being the young one or being so introverted. i feel like down here i'm the complete opposite of who i was when i was in the city. it gives me head aches to think about it. lucky or unlucky not all of me has made this 180 turn. how i approach people i really like hasn't change a bit. i'm still shy nerdy and very creepy. oh joy? i just wish i could say etsy i like you. its just 4 words right. naw. he is so cute though. his fav holiday is halloween. :) he's been decorating the office. its so nice. he has multiple costumes ( freaking theater majors) i don't even have one. i guess who i've been since i got here is a costume. one that i've yearning to take off but also been hiding behind the security that it brings. i almost feel trans if that makes sense. but like the opposite. so i was something that i was comfortable with. i liked me outwardly and inwardly. however i have gone through a series of changes since then and now i am stuck in this costume that i don't like both physically and emotionally. i feel like i am trapped inside something that is not me. through my physical appearance hasn't changed how i am being perceived has. that what halloween is about changing people's perception of you. it's fun, interesting, and often time provides a temporary escape from a person's norms. for one day you can be anything you want to be. i think you should take full advantage of that. one day where you can be anything and nobody will judge you. one judgement free day. know that i know a little of what it feels like to be seen one way but feel another i wish i could put on a costume or some make up and be what i want agian. but i can't because what i would change has nothing to do with. it has to do with everybody else.i guess what i was saying is costumes are great until you can't take off ( i think that is really scary) so so go out trick or treat ;) stay safe, stay clean, be safe, be sexy.
Happy Halloween
Keep it Queer and Fierce!
Stay Fierce yo
have been promising a post about me and my new life for a while and I guess this can be that post. I went to my first official party last week. Actually I went to a mini party then the next day I went to real one. It is really strange that people start partying on Thursday. Thirsty thursegays is what my people call it here. It’s kinda funny to watch. My mini party I had with one of my science clubs. You wouldn't think that engineers party but they do. And when they do they don't act like the smart people they are in class. In fact they make a lot of bad decisions I guess when you can't get a defiant quantitative answer (aka take away their calculator) they just go screw go with whatever feels right (which if you been in any of my math class or science class you know your instincts are horribly wrong so don't pick that answer). okay so first off it shouldn't take 2 engineers to move a couch from one room to another while 6 other engineers give them science directions like rotate the couch 7π/6 radians with respect to angle theta such that a theta is the integrals of cosine when the hypotenuse is the couch after its been rotated and the position you will take when its rotated makes up the other leg of the triangle. (which in English means rotate the couch 210° counter clockwise relative to you or turn the couch till it fits through the door) it shouldn't be that hard so I mean I should have known that they should not be allowed to make decisions without having it approved by mom first. Its kinda cray. But they do. So they decided it was a good idea to drink and carve pumpkins. then after we carved them and had a few drinks they were like let’s put candles in the pumpkins turn the lights off and have a dance party (mind you the floor is carpeted and everything in the place was flammable it is pure luck that the apartment complex didn't burn down) I left before anything happened but they continued well into the twilight hours like they didn't have class next day. (They did and man were they hung over and the was a dance that night so they had to sober up quick so that they could get wasted all over again) I don't even have to tell you all that not everybody made it out of that apartment unscaved there were some injuries. But who am I to judge because I made some bad choices myself the very next day. I decide to go to a dance even though I had a ton of work to do for work the next day, which starts at 8 and involves me teaching children. (Bad decision making 101 rights here) I even had to leave work early to go and I almost got in trouble. But it was totally worth it. It was a barn dance and the music was awesome (partly because my friend was the D.J) but mostly cuz he kept me dancing. I was with all my new crazy friends. We have the man whore who's always hooking up (we had just got there and 15mins later we find them making out in the corner with some random chick) we have the wallflower who just stood around we had the couples who were freakin' inseparable. We had the party animal that was all over the place. the dancer, and the one who gets way too drunk, we had the responsible drunk who can still keep it together even though they are wasted (not like drive but keep us together and notices when someone goes missing without saying something) then we have me the fun one who ties everything together (basically I bring the party) it was so fun. There was a hayride and a bon fire which got a few drunks very sober very quickly. I was loud and proud I danced and had a really good time. It wasn't quite like back home but change is good. Overall barn dance was a night I will always remember one of those you had to be there to get it type things. Because words make it seem less that it was and it was a lot more than our language accounts for. ( here is one of the songs that i actually loved the from barn dance robyn)
October is coming out month
and it is all about being you ( and i think it is just so ironic that halloween is at the end of this month. if there was ever a holiday about not being yourslef but i digrees) I focus on being you a lot and I
really don't go into the details about that. Last post I talked about
being honest with you and how that’s really difficult and I didn't really talk
about the details of that either. details details details. So many
words so little space. Well to be yourself you have to be honest with yourself.
But honesty is really hard sometimes. Actually it really hard most of the time.
I mean if it wasn't so difficult our society and way of life won't value it so
highly. It wouldn’t be so important to everyone. Everybody wants the
truth because it is so rare that you get and it even rarer that you can handle
it when it’s told to you. When the truth is out there you can never take it back.
For example like me like this other blogger (inferno) and I can't tell him I
like him. It’s kind of silly actually. But I can't do it cuz we are
friends and if he doesn't feel the same way things will be weird. The truth is I
would rather suffer in silence than tell him how I feel because of the possibility
that things could get weird. And if you can't even tell someone else the truth
then how can you tell yourself. And the funny thing is, it's you so you
already know but you’re still lying anyway. What you’re really doing is running
form the effect or stopping it from happening at all. But the truth is still
there. And you haven't really told yourself the truth unless you have accepted
it and allowed the effects of that truth to take place. Anything else is lying.
But it is so much easier to lie. Until you find yourself up one night or alone
in your house one day and you just can't get the truth out of your head. Until
you can't get out of your own head. Then you’re trapped and you have three
options tell the truth, smother and hide the truth in some dark place of your
mind where you hope you will never find it again ( but you will), or kill the
truth go completely mental and deny the truth until the end. ( I am
not insulting any type of mental condition because mental health is
serious stuff but I know if you kill the truth you do eventually
"crack") so do yourself a favor pick the first one it is always the
best option ( that’s why I listed it first) even when it doesn't look like it
is. And I know I did a whole post on lying and I am not talking about that kind
of stuff. Serious things that make a person who they are. Like sexuality. I am
talking about life changing events good and bad ( not going to talk about it
use your imagination) I am talking about when you can look in the mirror and
you honestly don't know who you are anymore. I mean you know it’s you and life
you live it, but that life your living isn't yours or it shouldn't be. Like
for me it is something stupid. I wake up every day and I go to class and I go
to work. I talk to my roommates, classmates, "friends", and
professors. I eat I do my work and I go to sleep (I sleep sometimes out
of need) but this isn't my life. I shouldn't be here. I am wasting
the university's money and it could be going to someone who should be
here. Who wants to be here. I honestly don't belong here. I belong in Michigan (in
a college that is a 2 hour canoe ride from Canada) I hate snow and I hate the
cold but I love it up there. I belong there. I feel at peace there and I can't
explain why or how but I know that’s where I should be right now. They are
getting snow on Wednesday and I was going to be vice president of the cacao
club. I knew where I was going to live I made friends. I was going to set a
world record. and on nights like this when I was having a rough time instead of
being on my balcony staring pointlessly into the oblivion I would be canoeing
across a river hiking up a ski hill and looking out onto the prettiest scenery
I have ever seen in my life. And I would feel better. I would sit there and put
myself back together because I would know where all the pieces go. ( lol there
would be less truth to swallow). October is coming out month it’s be yourself
month. It’s know yourself month. It’s putting all the pieces were they go month
and being able to see the picture month. Its tell yourself the truth month. skillet
