Trigger and content warning: Suicide, self-harm, weight, pounds, and suicidal ideation
This year has taken everything out of my. I spent most of the year not drowning but not staying afloat either. I lost the two people I romantically loved. Losing their presence in my life drain me off ability to see the color of the world. I lost the music. I stopped listening to music for a long time. All music was just an auditory representation of my pain. I self isolated and left my community it off fear. I fell out of communication with a number of my friends. I got so low and became so broken that I have to look up to see rock bottom. I've spent this year sinking in my own despair. This pass year has been devoid of meaning and purposes. All I did this year was suffer, whether through external or self infliction.
Pain has been a strict but just teacher. I had to face my fear of imperfection in the public eye. I wasn't crucified. I had to own up to my mistakes and deal with the consequences. The duel heart breaks forced me to admit my wrongs with humility. I've gotten better at being vulnerable with those I trust out of necessity. I've become more aware of how my actions effect others. I'm more considerate of others feelings. I had to go most of this year alone and I'm now more selfreliant. The most important thing all of the hurt taught me was patience.
I spent a good amount of time this year crying. When I couldn't cry any more I started sitting alone in the cold, dark, rain, or shower. When I couldn't sit anymore I walked. When walking didn't work I tried to sleep. My insomnia came back and nothing could soothe me I started cutting again starting with my toes and fingers. Its easy to fixate on something that was an old bad habit. Anything to temporally forget about the pain in my chest.
I have been at my worst this year. I have been on more suicide watches than I have taken trips this year. I couldn't leave the my room alone much less the state. It's been stressful for my siblings and my best friend. I try very hard not to stress my friends so much this year. I cut them off to keep from over burdening. I have gotten better, but no where near where I was. I use to believe I shouldn't want to die. I use to believe it was wrong to want to die. I currently don't want to be alive and apathetically/indifferentlly living. I'm not going to kill myself but not because I don't want to. I'm not going to go out of my way to kill myself. I'm not going to go out get whatever I need, look up instructions, say goodbye, write a note, or any of that. If it's not laid out for me I'm not going to do it.
A few good things did happen this year. Lovely and I are much better. I came out publicly as non binary this year. I've been going by a different name for most of the year. I've been binding my chest more and wearing more masculine clothes. That has been nice. I even told my mom and she took it very well. I also got a dog. She has helped a lot. I've only had her for the last two weeks but I've laughed, smiled, and sang more than I have all year. She makes me feel less alone, empty, sad, and dead. She's amazing. Her nickname is snoot snoot.
I gained weight. To much currently but I'm no longer under weight. I use to be 125 pounds (56.69 kg). I'm 5'4 by the way. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been at 185 pounds (83.91kg). None of my clothes fit. I'll be starting my new job soon so hopefully I'll slim back down to something healthy. I've been basically physically healthy this year. I have an on going hormone imbalance and my insides tried to fall out of me again. Prolapse is soooo much fun. I am also currently suffering from, and I'm not kidding, Broken Heart Syndrome. My doctors don't understand it. Broken Heart Syndrome usually resolves itself with treatment with in a few days. I however, have been lucky enough to have recurring attacks going on 3 weeks now. I'll keep you posted but the last word was stay in the heat medicine and go to therapy.
Due to my achy breaky heart I haven't gotten back out there. I don't want to rebound. I would hate myself for using some as an emotional fix then when I feel better leave them. I do miss the physical contact. I love to snuggle and the lack of human touch has done a number on me. I've slowly started to see friends again and it has made a difference to be with them. I didn't realize how touch starved I had gotten. Holding hands is like coming up for air after being held under for what seems like forever. Little things I took for granted and then unintentionally removed from my life are a breath of fresh air to have back.
To say that my feelings got the best of me this year would be an understatement. I was paralyzed by my feelings. Held captive by my feelings. Tortured by my feelings. Drowned in my feelings. Haunted by my feelings. My mind has been a scary place that I was able to avoid. I was trapped in my head, abused by my own emotions, exploited by my fears. I lived in my nightmares: not being loved, having no one who will let me love them, abandoned/ rejected by those I loved and cared about, weak and vulnerable to my enemies, attacked publicly, having my reputation tarnished, knowing no one cares about me. When I finally got the courage to climb out from under my rock it turned out I had greatly amplified the severity in my head. I did have to face the public but I was not villainized. I was never alone and my people still loved me, despite my disbelief.
This coming year I've want to pick up the pieces of my life. I have a lot of healing to do. I ran out of tears along time ago but I'm just now running out self pitty. I'm going to take a page from older Japanese culture and fix myself up really nice. Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver, platinum, and other precious metals. From what I have learned this art was highly influenced by religion, specifically Buddhism and Shintoism, represented by Mottainai. The phrase Mottainai roughly means "what a waste." Why throw away what could be fixed, repurposed, or recycled? When you add the aesthetic concept wabi-sab of accepting what's transient, ephemeral, and imperfect you get Kintsukuroi. I'll put myself together with all the silver and gold.
I fell. I shattered. I learned. Now I'm going to heal. I'm going to put myself back together. I'm going to bear my scars proudly. I hope they never let me forget what I learned this year. But it is time to move on.
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