skit: me, myself, and I

My therapist says I need to love myself more. I personally think I love myself enough. While I was in session and we were having one of these conversations about me loving myself. I floated the idea that I might just not be my type. Which my therapist said is unfortunate because I'm going to spend the rest of my life with me. 

However, if I'm being honest, I am exactly my type. I've always had this idea. Well.. it's more of a theory that if there was a clone version of me or even me with the opposite parts that I would at least hook up with myself. I don't do one nightstands... or I didn't. But that's a separate story. Because I don't want one nightstands this would be an ongoing sexual relationship that I had with myself who I will now refer to as Aon. I will be Noa and the rest of this is going to be in the third person so it's less weird. At some point one of them will start to romance the others because they both have lover boi tendencies. Raised on a healthy amount of Disney they will do grand romantic gestures, making reality magical fantasy. They're competitive so they will constantly be trying to one-up each other while also appreciating all the effort the other one put in. I think it is completely find be competitive about loving your partner. Not in the sense of winning. But in the sense of you could not possibly love me more than I love you. Forgetting that love is endless and infinite. It will be romance, passion, wild, untameable, spontaneous, larger than life, unforgettable, unintelligible yet still undeniable. It will be little moments, notes, smirks, glances, rays of sunshine through the window you keep asking them to clean, doing nothing, peace, stillness, and tranquility. It will be the duality and the balance in that. That not the balance they bring to each other but the balance we find for themselves that makes the whole relationship grounded. Noa feels safe with Aon. Aon trust Noa. They both know that even though they are the same person they are also simultaneously not the same person. So they still have to say the words out loud because the words matter to both of them so much. If Aon and Noa could work past the initial and inherent fear and agree to work on all of the trauma that makes this terrifying it would be the love of their lives. Noa is Aon's soulmate and vice versa. 

I like this in theory. In practice is a completely separate story. I don't trust easy. Noa would be suspicious as fuck of Aon. Even if they were there when Aon was cloned or whatever. They would get in their own way because they're too smart for their own good. One of them are both of them would have the thought that without a neural link where they can experience the same things at the same time that they would diverge from each other rather quickly, exponentially actually. Experiences would make them different people. If they did have a neurolink where they were constantly experiencing their own experiences and the other person's experiences, I do not see how that is not overstimulating all the time. The capacity for existing is negligible at that point. I don't think you could get a capacity window to grow large enough to manage experiencing two separate existences at once. If you did it like as save point at the end of each day they would still diverge too much. It would jeopardize their own relationship because they don't understand the other person's experiences until later. Small misunderstandings in digital communications wouldn't be resolved until after the link. I also think the neurolink hinders healthy communication no matter which way you do it. So then the question is at what point is are Noa and Aon unique and distinguishable from one another that they are no longer dating themselves. I think outside opinions of that matter less than their understandings and expectations of each other. It matters even more to determining that point and what to do when they get there. 

The ease of the relationship is how much they know, understand, trust, and themselves. That only exist in isolation where they spend the entire time together all the time. However that doesn't last either. I think it exponentially diverges  quicker the more urban the setting is or the more entropy the setting has. Honestly urban comes back to entropy anyway cuz it's just more chances and opportunities for different things. So in reality could Noa date Aon? I don't think so. Not in a healthy way and not in a way that acknowledges both of their uniqueness. There is definitely more familiarity and comfort there, but I think it's assumed and unearned at a certain point.

But I do still think I am my type just me right now in this existence doubled. It would always have to be a current version of me dating the exact up to date carbon copy of me with all the same experiences. So yes I am my type but not in a multi-dimensional sense. In that respect, I think it might be worth loving myself less. 

Skit: Why do I love the people I do

What makes me love someone? What causes that initial spark? I think is a combination of things. Of course there's the physical again attraction at first sight. But that's not true for everyone I loved. I think what hold true for everyone is an initial interest. The question of who's that? Intrigue. I think there's also my desire to figure them out. There is something interesting about them I want to know. They always remind me of myself or something I went through. They reflect part of me. I usually find out about their trauma and want to fix them. Who hurt you? Let me take care of you. Nine times out of ten they don't feel the same way about me. 

So what made me fall for the one I never named? She was friendly and the first person my friend introduced me to at the funeral. She was having relationship issues but was very secretive about it. She was depressed and lost at 24 and that was me. There was to much trauma for me to even try to summarize. She was interesting and broken. And I wanted to help her find her way as I wish someone would have helped me. 

skit: when Velvet comes back

So Velvet and I aren't friends anymore. They decided that due to my job it was too taxing on their mental health. They didn't like being secret friends either. I asked them if I told my job about our friendship if they would want to stay friends and they said no. I don't know how much more of a supportive friend I could be. We've gone through a lot together in this past 10 months. We were incredibly close and I am heartbroken and distraught that we aren't friends anymore. My therapist asked me what I would do if they came back and so that's what the rest of this is going to be about.

If Velvet came back I don't think I would care. They have pushed me away too many times for me to take them back again. I never stop being friends with people if we don't talk because to me we're still friends. Even if I don't see the person I still consider them a friend. If we stop being friends then you're dead to me and you're worse off than a stranger. For me an ex-friend is someone I used to love and no longer have a place for in my heart thus no longer have room for my life. The only way I know how to make it stop hurting when a friend leaves is to basically kill them off mentally. I mourn them as if they died and they don't exist anymore to me. It won't be any different for them. I want it to be easier because I feel like I should be preparing for their death. They keep telling me that they're going to die. But it's different losing them when they're still alive and they only have so much longer. I feel like it makes it hurt that much more that they don't want to spend the rest of their life with me. So even if they came back and only had a little time left I don't think I could handle losing them as a friend and then them dying. That is too much for me to go through. I can only be destroyed so many times. Its more than just bitterness in me saying you've made your bed now lie in it. I don't want to be friends with somebody who can so easily dispose of me. I can't get past the fact that Velvet knows me and knew this would hurt me and did it anyway. So they say it's for their best it better be because there's no coming back. I hope they can live with their choice because I have made mine. 

skit: leaving friends that hurt me

I'm to old to be acting this foolish. I know it's wrong but I want it anyway. Nothing good is going to come of this. But I bet I do it anyway. I don't know how to do the hard thing. I don't have the self control to not give into my impulses. I want to learn from my mistake instead of repeating them. I know exactly what I'm doing and how dangerous of a game it is. The problem is I also know I'm good at the game. There are no winners and it all ends in pain but I can have a lot of fun before that comes. The worst part is I don't even know why I am playing. I didn't want to play this game in the beginning. I was adamant that I wasn't going to play. Now look at me. So deep in it. And for what? She'll never change. She'll grow but she will never choose me. She'll never love me. Not the way I deserve. I have a chance to avoid the head on collision but I can't seem to swerve. The timing is all wrong. I deserve the summer. I don't want to hurt for the rest of the year. I've been through pain all winter. Can't I get a reprieve? It's not like doesn't hurt already. I'm just ignoring that pain. But if I open those flood gates there's no going back. My heart will be broken. I will lose my friend. I don't know how I let it get this bad. I want it all. I want my friend without the lectures and pain with the bond we've cultivated. But I think the intimacy I crave will always come at this cost. I am worth the love I give away. I need to find it and stop hurting myself with people I know will never work. I knew I knew I knew. And I did it anyway. I need to let be over. I just can't seem to stop myself. Cuz it's just hurting me. There is nothing here for me and I know this. So why am I still here. Why can't I leave. Why do I run to her when she doesn't want me. I'm going to leave in pieces and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm just procrastinating cutting myself open. Stalling all the way to the execution chamber. What's will come will come there's no stopping it. Just acceptance.

skit: draft apology

I am sorry for betraying your trust. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I already knew better than to talk about you when you're not there. It was wrong and I knew that. Betraying you was not the only thing I did out of malice. All of that was uncalled for. I am actively working to be less manipulative. I am also working on sitting in the discomfort of my pain instead of acting out. I have gotten better at taking responsibility for my own feelings. This has help me be less reactive. Instead of lashing out I now attempt to care for my own needs that aren't being met as a way to end the hurt I feel.

 

I loved you but I didn't know how to love you properly. That led to me causing you a lot of heart ache, pain, and hurt. I was never able to be fully honest and left a lot of words unsaid. All the times I would just stop talking to you with out explainion. I apologize for my poor communication and toxic behavior. I wasn't in a place mentally where I could have been in a healthy relationship. I wasn't committed to changing my behavior to be better either. I recognize that now. I have actively worked on my communication skills, being vulnerable, learning to trust, and over coming my own insecurities causing my anxiety. I have found a therapist that gets me and am making a lot of progress. 

I know many of my actions and words were hurtful. Whether I was retaliating or just being dismissive of your feelings, I now see the all of that pain you have suffered silently. I am very sorry for neglecting your feelings and disrespecting you. Social ques where never my strong suit and I have trouble taking others feelings into consideration. But I have been very intentional in working on my relationships of all kinds. I have worked on respecting boundaries and having occasional check ins to make sure they feel respected and cared for. I still don't get social ques due to a learning disability but I am coping with that by just asking how people feel. I listen and make sure that when I act I do so in a way that doesn't intentionally hurt people. I am also learning to speak to those I care about in a way that is less authoritarian and dismissive. I want those around me to know that they have autonomy and that I do care about what they are saying. Improving my active listening skills and changing my vocabulary has made all the difference. 

I was hard to love. I was hard to trust. I was hard to get to know. I was hard to understand. I know now if it was easy. But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient. I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I apologize for not even trying to see your point of view and never giving you patience, understanding, or appreciation. I am working on not taking people for granted. I am thinking through things not only from my perspective but trying to see how things could be interpreted differently. My friends are helping me with this. I am also working on getting out of my own head. I catastrophize and only see the worst in things. I am working on having a positive inner monologue. But mostly I am working on not making assumptions and patience. Patience allows me to take the time I need to calm down. Not making assumptions means I have to just ask for the others person version of things. I'd love to hear your side of the story by the way. This allows me to decide how to move forward with all the information not just my own perceptions.

Finally I am sorry this took so long for me to say. I am bad at apologizing to those I love. I told you this break in 2014, I don't know if you remember. I have been trying to apologize to you since 2017. Between trying not to cry, because I feel so bad, and my anxiety I never manage to get the words out. I am working on being able to talk through apologies through practice and therapy. However, I find the best way for me, at the moment, to say everything is to write it all down in a letter.

I would greatly appreciate you bringing anything I have missed to my attention. I want to apologize and I deeply regret not doing this sooner. I owe you a complete and sincere apology that include the ways I am actively working to do better. So if there's anything you think I didn't address please let me know.

skit: covid-19 vaccine

This post is a mix of my opinions and cited sources. I will not be using the traditional method of citing sources but I will put the source as a link in parentheses. I will also state things that are not a cited as I feel. I'm going to use "I" statements for things I feel or are my opinion that way you don't get them confused with things that I am paraphrasing from sources. 

Let's start with my feelings. I personally feel like the vaccine is unsafe. I feel like they didn't do enough testing on diverse populations. Diverse populations being people with different ages, underlying conditions, different races. I feel like they're using America and their doctors as a testing ground which I'm not mad at. I think white people should be a testing ground because it's been done to African Americans for so long. However I do think the vaccine needs to be tested on African Americans as well. But it is difficult for the African-American population trust doctors. After the Tuskegee experiments (https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.history.com/.amp/news/the-infamous-40-year-tuskegee-study). I don't know how you convinced black people to trust doctors after something that happens. I feel like African Americans have been used as medical tests subjects for years. I feel like that had lead to irreparable damage not only mentally but to the people and their families physically. So I understand the African American communities and other communities of color distrust when it comes to the when it comes to the covid 19 vaccine. I being part of the African-American community have similar feelings of distrust. These feelings are not assuaged by all the misinformation going around. Earlier political events that made it much more difficult to trust the government and the CDC also are not helping. 

I feel like other vaccines took at least 5 years or more to produce. I have heard the argument that it was a lack of funding and pressure that made it takes so long for those vaccines to be produced. I disagree with those arguments on the basis that science no matter how much funding or pressure takes time. You have to run the same experiment multiple times by just the person developing. Then it has to be challenged by the scientific community by then running the experiments and examining the data multiple times. I feel like clinical trials take weeks. You have to recruit participants. I think at least that takes the 2 weeks. You have to go through all of the medical records and make sure that their ideal candidates. I feel like that takes another two week. You have to give some of the placeb and some of the actual vaccine. then I feel like you're supposed to expose them to covid 19 and hope they don't die. That's going to take at least 2 months I think. I mean the ones who got the placebo might die. Though I think that that is not how that works for human medical test.  I think that they only do that to animals. Animals are so drastically different than humans many scientists will tell you testing things on rats and mice is damn near useless (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/10/522775456/drugs-that-work-in-mice-often-fail-when-tried-in-people). 

So I feel like I need actual science to convince me.  Let's begin with how the vaccine works. The vaccine works with messenger RNA. The Corona virus has spikes on its surface called the S protein. The vaccine teaches your body how to build the S protein. Your immune system then is suppose recognizes that this protein doesn't belong there and attacks. To attack and destroy the protein the body is going to have to create antibodies. Once it has these antibodies when it comes in contact with the real covid-19 virus it ideally well then recognize the S protein spikes and know how to destroy the entire virus  1( https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/coronavirus-vaccine/art-20484859) 2 ( https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-what-you-need-to-know)

I am not a doctor. I'm not a biomedical engineer. I did not study biology. I did not study medicine. Not a professional in this field at all. But I feel like the way that most vaccines work is they introduce a inactive virus into your body.  This is not the case. In America there are only six license vaccines that use inactive viruses to teacher body how to build up antibodies to the virus (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7189890/#:~:text=Today%2C%20there%20are%20six%20licensed,(TBEV)%20to%20generate%20vaccines.). (https://www.vaccines.gov/basics/types)(https://www.immune.org.nz/vaccines/vaccine-development/types-vaccines) I couldn't find a non-governmental source to back this up for the US so I found one for a different government. That's why you got three different sources for this one. Most vaccines modern vaccines do use a protein in the vaccine to teach your body to build antibodies and make it more effective against fighting the virus. As you read in the sources above. 

However a vaccine is only good if it's made with the right protein from the virus. That brings into question how does the covid-19 virus actually work? "Researchers with the University of California, San Francisco found that when the SARS-CoV-2 virus infects a human cells, the infected cell grows multi-pronged tentacles that are studded with viral particles. These filaments, called filopodia, reach out to still-healthy neighboring cells, which then bore into the cells’ bodies and infect the healthy cells with virus." (https://www.biospace.com/article/research-roundup-how-the-covid-19-virus-infects-other-cells-and-more/)

So apparently the virus binds with ACE2 receptor on a cell. Covid 19 releaseses it's genetic material into the cell  (https://www.scripps.edu/covid-19/science-simplified/how-the-novel-coronavirus-infects-a-cell/index.html). That genetic material  changes the cell and makes it make the little spikes or tentacles. Which carry the virus RNA. Then it infects any cell that comes into contact with it because of the spikes and/or tentacles. So from my understanding it uses the spikes to infect and bind with cells but it seems only though ACE2 receptor. Why not stop it from being able to bind with the receptor. Maybe that's a harder job I'm not sure. However it seems like if it couldn't bind with the receptor then we'd all be fine. Curious... From what I read above it does seem like it uses the S protein to infect cells through this binding process. So maybe they choose the right protein. 

Did the vaccine trials include a diverse population? No.

(https://www.statnews.com/2020/08/14/covid-19-clinical-trials-are-are-failing-to-enroll-diverse-populations-despite-awareness-efforts/#:~:text=It's%20been%20well%2Destablished,populations%20that%20actually%20reflect%20society.)(https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/08/27/large-us-covid-19-vaccine-trials-are-halfway-enrolled-lag-participant-diversity/)

This makes me question whether it will work on people of color and does not do anything to make me trust this vaccine. I think that when you do not do medical tests on diverse populations, you do a disservice to the medical community because you're not making a cure or something feasible for everyone. Without the empirical data on how it works on a diverse population it is not scientifically sound. 

As I'm learning about the covid-19 virus and vaccine I'm growing slightly skeptical. I still have a few questions. I am still unsettled by the fact that they did not test the diverse population. Moving though. Many people have been saying they can't get the vaccine due to allergies. So what in the vaccine that people may have an allergic reaction to? 

• mRNA
• the Pfiizer and Moderna vaccine differ because of the slight changes they made in the mNRA that they both manufactured in a lab noting using human cells

• The mRNA in the Pfizer and Moderna vaccine codes for an area of the spike protein known as the receptor- binding domain (RBD)
• saline
• Phosphate buffer solution (PBS) (Pfiizer)
• Tromethamine (tris) (Moderna)
• Sodium acetate (Moderna)
• Sucrose (sugar)
• Water
• Lipid
• ALC-0315  (Pfiizer)
• ALC-0159 (Pfiizer)
• SM-102 (Moderna)
• PEG2000-DMG (Moderna)
•  1,2-distearoyl-sn-glycero-3-phosphocholine
• Cholesterol

(https://www.goodrx.com/blog/ingredients-covid-19-vaccine/) (https://www.technologyreview.com/2020/12/09/1013538/what-are-the-ingredients-of-pfizers-covid-19-vaccine/)

(https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/vaccines/different-vaccines/Pfizer-BioNTech.html)

If it's not labeled one of the other it's in both. 

There is a warning that says if you have an allergy to any of the ingredients or to specific vaccine that you should not get this vaccine. I would check with your doctor who knows your allergies before getting the vaccine. If you're worried that you might be allergic to something in the vaccine you can also see an allergist to get an allergy test for the ingredients that are in the vaccine. But I feel like the ingredients in the vaccine are common in other medicines and so your doctor will probably be sufficient. 

What are the side effects of the vaccine?  Fatigue, headaches, chills muscle aches, and joint pains.  (https://www.webmd.com/vaccines/covid-19-vaccine/news/20201217/covid-19-vaccine-faq-safety-side-effects-efficacy) (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/coronavirus/in-depth/coronavirus-vaccine/art-20484859). 

It doesn't seem like there's a chance of death except for if you're allergic to the vaccine. 

 

Is it worth getting? Does it work?!

95% effective in preventing mild to severe symptoms. The severe symptoms including death.  But it doesn't seem like it prevents you from getting covid just prevents you from dying from covid 19 which is something.  Not dying is good. I'd rather not get covid but if I have to get covid I'd rather not die from it. (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/covid-19-vaccine-what-you-need-to-know) (https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20210114-covid-19-how-effective-is-a-single-vaccine-dose) 

But isn't there another mutated strain of covid-19? Yes! (https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/mediaroom/pressreleaselisting/new-sars-cov2-variant) (https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/coronavirus/a-new-strain-of-coronavirus-what-you-should-know)

This one it seems to be more contagious than the original. However it's not uncommon for viruses to mutate and change as they spread through the populace. Many major cities have their own unique strain of covid-19. University of Chicago says that Cook county Illinois has its own unique strain of covid-19. A virus is a living thing It's going to mutate and change so that it can survive. It's trying to spread we're trying to stop it. 

Will the current vaccine work against this new strain? Yes? Maybe, We really don't know yet. (https://abc13.com/vaccine-trial-covid-19-mutation-pfizer-what-we-know/9474530/)(https://www.biospace.com/article/pfizer-biontech-covid-19-vaccine-increasing-production-and-confident-it-can-handle-mutant-strain/) (https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/transmission/variant.html)

I was feeling confident in getting the vaccine until I found out that it might be useless against the new strains and the whole diverse population thing. If the old strains are not as prevalent in the new strains are, then we need something that's effective against the new strains which are worse more than we need something that's effective against the old strands in my opinion. But if the vaccine works against the new strains as well then I think it would be worth getting. Only time will tell and so I'm going to wait and stay in quarantine. By the time they figure out if the vaccine works on the new strains a diverse populous will have been vaccinated. Waiting deals with the diverse population issue as well. I want to wait until we have a vaccine that works against mutations of the strain similar to how we have vaccines that work against mutations of other viruses. I also want to wait to see how it affects people of different races ages and with underlying conditions. I hope this posts has helped you make a decision about the vaccine as well.

skit: covid-19 and math

So Chicago is part of this county called Cook county. As of today Cook county has 368759 reported reported covid cases. Cook county has a population of approximately 5.5 million people. I did some math and a few things happened. 

One I found out about 1 and 13 people have covid19. My immediate thoughts were I really need these numbers to be more divisible. Like one in 10, a fifth, an eighth, or half. The part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. For a whole 5 minutes I forgot that this was not a second grade in a vacuum math problem that is never going to happen in real life. This is real life. Then I thought to myself one in 20, 1 and 50, 0 out of a 100. Like I said the part of my brain that likes pretty math is very strong. 

Second thing I thought was 1 and 13 is not too bad. 13 is a Baker's dozen. If one donut out of the 13 were poisonous and would kill me I'd still risk it. Especially the rest of the donuts are delicious. But then I thought if one and 13 people were murderers I probably stay in the house. Like if the New York times reported one in 13 people in Cook county are committing bioterrorism I'd never leave the house. I'd be terrified That's a lot of people. But if I was bit by one out of every 13 dogs I petted I'd still pet dogs. actually that probably depends on how bad I was bitten each time. If it's like a scratch then yeah no I'm still petting the dogs. If I'm losing a finger I might reconsider. 

My third and final thought was we really do need to frame it like we're losing fingers and people are committing bioterrorism. Because when I thought about it like donuts or chocolates it didn't seem so bad. But when I thought of it like serial killers quarantining got a lot easier. Thinking about it like everyone's out to get you much like Amoung Us really makes me much less likely to go outside. It kind of makes me feel like I'm trying to survive the purge. So think of it less like a inconvenient pandemic that we're all sick of and more like a really long purge that we're all trying to live through. Zoom meetings become way more tolerable when you're trying to avoid being murdered. 

skit: The Trump lie

I am tired of people pretending and lying about the reasons that they support Trump. Trump is winning because of fear and because of hate. It is that simple.  The only way to sway the people backing him because of fear and hate is to disseminate their fear and hate. They know he's wrong they know he's a liar they know all of the things that Trump is doing to hurt them. But Trump's base does not care about their own well-being because they're so afraid and they're so hateful. White people in this country who are voting for Trump are voting for Trump because they are afraid of losing the power and they are afraid of the system that keeps white people in power from being dismantled. Moreover they are afraid that non-white people today will do to them what white people in the past have done to people of color.  

In a way that makes sense. When you know you are wrong and when you know you are guilty of a crime you fear the consequences and you for your revenge. Even if you personally did not commit the crime you know the people the crime was committed against deserve justice. In their mind revenge is a form of justice and in their mind revenge is not unreasonable to ask for. White people can imagine if aliens came and took over America and ruled America for years that the humans of the earth would want to reclaim America and drive them out. Killing all the aliens to reclaim the country would not only be revenge it would be justice. To them non-white people are owed this. They know it but they also don't want to give it to us. Even if there are systems in place that work against them they fear that if they abolish those systems that keep white people in power that somehow that will have negative effects on them and those they care about. They fear without the current system in place non-white people will come for white blood and everything that white people have. White people don't want me to have their home because they feel like they've worked for it they don't want me to have their money because they feel like they've earned it. In their mind there is no way for non-white people to have justice and them to keep everything that they've worked so hard for. 

 Justice is a two-way street. If someone comes into my home and murders my brother and then they're caught and tried and convicted guilty they can be sentenced to death. That person could also be sentenced to life in prison. That person could be sentenced to 15 years in prison. Or that person could be sentenced to no time at all. As a victim of the perpetrators crime I get to be heard. It is part of the process. Justice's  only a function is not one of punishment but it is supposed to rehabilitate and further society. In my opinion the only punishment of justice should be forced rehabilitation. Justice takes away a person's ability to choose not to improve oneself and grow as a person. Justice should take away a person's ability to choose not to heal from trauma. If we were to take that approach to healing the nation from its years of racism then white people wouldn't have anything to fear. I don't want to live in a place where I can't get along with other races. I don't want to live in a place where my race is considered superior to everyone else. I think that for the most part non-white people just want to live in a society where the color of their skin isn't a hindrance to their pursuit of happiness. I don't want my white neighbors to lose their homes or their jobs. I don't want my white neighbors to be disenfranchised or lose the ability to be able to provide for themselves. I just want the same opportunity to do what they're doing even though I'm black. I want them to look at me and not think of me as a threat just because of the color of my skin. 

It is confusing to me for everyone to believe that people come here to take what little the people who already live here have. They see the country as a pie where there's only so many slices. In some ways that is true. However, the average American does not have enough of a slice of pie to share or to even take from. I want some of Jeff Bezos's slice. There are those in this country who have way more than they ever should and they've gotten them through ill-gotten means. Through this system that intentionally hurts non-whites and then ends up actually hurting not just some white people but most white people. Then those who have everything blame non-white people for the reason why other white people can't have as much as they do. Those who have everything know that the former is a lie. White people we're also struggling then hate non-white people because they've been told by other white people that they reason they're struggling. The white people don't understand why non white people need a certain quota to be allowed into schools. White people only see that the school allows 500 people in and 100 of those are being saved for non-white people. That means that there are a hundred spots that they do not qualify for.  To a white person that must seem like favoritism. To a white person who is struggling and does not see the suffering of non-white people, that perceived favoritism quickly breeds hate. In all honesty I would be mad as well. When it seemed like Asian students had an advantage over all the other students in the college of engineering that quickly bred an environment of hate. Inequality breeds hate. However, they do not see the reason why so late in the game these spots have to be reserved. Non-white people do not know the inherent struggle of people who are not white. They only see the small measures that are taken to try to even the playing field and it feels unfair. What's unfair is 400 families have  almost half of this country's resources. There are more than 328.2 million people in America. If America's wealth is 131 trillion dollars, after taxes, each individual American should have a little more than 390 thousand dollars in money and assets (property, car, stock, material objects). I for one feel jipped. 

So start by telling trump supporters we aren't going to hurt you. We aren't going to take things from you. I just want to be a person. Non-white people don't want to be a terrorist, thug, gangster, criminal, sex worker, degenerate, or a drug addict. We want to be seen as teachers, doctors, lawyers, firefighters, factory workers, and other hard-working Americans who you respect. We all should have 390 thousand dollars in money and assets. Every man woman and child. If you personally do not have that for yourself and every member of you're family then there is nothing we can take from you. You do not have enough to give. If You personally do not have 390 thousand dollars in money and assets you should. You are owed too. We should ban together and take back what is ours from those 400 families with you and not part of. An intaking back those resources we should also work on truly making a country equal for everyone. A white person may only want the 390 thousand dollars for themselves and every member of their family. A non-white person probably wants better schools, arts programs, updated computers, better internet access in their community, healthier grocery stores, access to doctors, clean parks, and roads without potholes along with the money. That is what is at the heart of the inequality. At the end of the day if we all had the same amount of money and assets non-white people and their communities would still need more things. Just like non-white people did not have to take any of your personal money poor trump supporter to get us all to the same level. Non-white communities don't have to take anything from your community (poor trump supporter) to make their community better. We can train more doctors. We can train non-white people to be doctors and non-white communities. We can build more stores. Helping non-white communities generally end up helping white communities as well. We'll all improve. Except for the 400 families and their specific communities they'll get a little worse. But you're not them. How do I know you're not one of the 400 families we the people are coming for. If your total household income is not half a million times every person who lives in the house then you are not them. 1=1/2mil 2=1mil 3=1.5mil 4=2mil 

Why should we fight each other when we have nothing. So join non-white people, white Trump supporters,  and our fight against the 400 families with all the money and resources. 

If that doesn't work and they still support Trump they're either: 

1. rich and trying to keep their money and power which I understand.

2. Don't understand, did not try to understand, or do not believe they are true, the points made. Which I can empathize.

3. Are truly just racist and wholeheartedly believe in white supremacy. In which case I pity them. 

skit: lessons in love

Never question my love for you for it it's the only thing that I am certain of in this world. More than the air I breath and water I drink. I do not know if the sun will set or if the moon will rise again. but I know I love you. Question not my love for you but my ability to show it. 

I think about this and I realize I don't know how to love those in my life. Not even my best friend. I know how I want to be loved. Tell me, over and over and over again I will never get sick of hearing it. Prioritize me in your life. Give me the first chance to make plans with you. Spend time with me and in gifts for me. I love thoughtful gifts and grand gestures. Be there when I need you. Trust me enough to let me in. I know if anybody did those things for me I would feel loved. But I don't know about others. I a good amount of time in my head thinking about what I did wrong in relationships and I think that's really important. That I didn't know how to love the people I loved. I want to love them how they want to be loved but I need to learn what that is and how to do it.

skit: I accidentally let people in and they didn't use it to hurt me, yet.

I am not neurotypical. I have never been neurotypical. Not before my official diagnosis of chronic mental heath illness or even before the onset of any of there symptoms. When I was a child I struggled with language. I talked early, and  processed books well above my grade level for years. But everything else that goes into language, the physical aspect, subtle hints in written communication, emojis, slang, abbreviations, grammar, spelling, roots, tones, and writing I don't naturally get it the way a neurotypical person does when it's their native tongue. I have a language processing disorder. 

I spent a lot of years in therapy to learn to cope. Therapy is there not only to help me deal with the frustration of not being able to communicate "properly" but also to develope skills that make up for what I  naturally lack. An example of a coping mechanism, a skill that makes up for what one naturally lacks, is a deaf person learning to read lips. (Not saying deaf people are lacking or their struggle is equivalent to mine. Just talking about coping mechanism.) So many years in occupational therapy trying to understand how yes could really mean no. What I really learned was how to manipulate people. 

Only recently am I trying really hard to understand a select few around me. It's so hard!!!!! I spend so much time thinking about everything trying to figure exactly what they mean. Then gaining the courage to ask if I'm right. While also figuring an excuse that would require me to ask if I'm right cuz it's something everyone else just send to get. Like is everyone happy at a birthday party actually? If so why? I have been hiding this disability for years. Most of my friends don't know I have it. My best friend knows. Friends that I made in school that I saw at the student office for disabilities know. My friends with "apparent" disabilities also know. But that's really it, until now. I recently was so stressed out that I didn't have the energy required to keep up my facade. I stopped trying to understand and just plainly stated what ever it was I needed to communicate. This shocked everyone around me. To which I said "I don't have time right now to center and focus your mind. I have a language processing disorder that impacts my language abilities. I do a really good job at hiding then cuz I'm a great liar and an even better manipulator. I'm trying ty be more authentic with y'all. I don't lie to all but I do keep secrets and selectively omit things." They just rolled with it. 

Of course I'm worried that they just think I'm making up excuses. I understand the doubt. From the outside I look like a highly social person. I enjoy people but it is a lot of work for me. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't the significant benefit for me. If I've been doing it all my life why is it so hard? Generally speaking it's not. If I'm talking to strangers or people I don't care about them it's requires about the same energy as it does for me to leisurely swim about. I can do it in my sleep. That's because I'm not trying to understand all the subtext. I'm looking for basic things a sense of being uncomfortable, angry, or sad. If it's not one of those then I haven't screwed up the conversation and I haven't missed anything. With people I care about I'm trying to read all the cues, for everything, all the time. When they change their facial expressions, I'm trying to figure out why and what the new expressions means. I'm trying to listen for changes in their voice. Everything they do is important and needs to be broken down so I can better understand them. Then when I understand the next part is figuring out how to communicate back. They may not like to be communicated back to in the way that they communicate with everyone else. So mimicking does not always work. I talked back to every person exactly in the style I've created specifically for them. I have to remember the style that I've created for them, updated that style when the person changes, and also update how the person externally communicates as that changes as well. So yeah it's hard and it's a lot and it's all in my head. Cuz for some reason people think it's creepy when you keep notes on them. 

They are all reacting well though. I have a lot of fear around being vulnerable with others. But so far so good. They know now and they understand me better. It's all working out.

Skit: bi day 2019

Happy bi day. I'm still bi even though my type has changed drastically.

Skit: The Longing Created from African Diaspora

Slavery stole people, erased languages, wiped out entire tribes, killed at least 5 million people of color (the journey, the diseases, the beatings, the killings, uprising, ECT), broke up families, eradicate religions, and obliterated cultures. As a descendant of slaves, the thing I want more than anything in the world is a culture. I want to know who my people were. My blood does not come from this land, despite how much it bleeds here.

I watch every other person of color have culture. I listen holding my breath to my friend's 92 year old grandmother tell me about Ganesh and other Hindi stories. She tells me about how her customs are different than her son-in-law's who is from the east while she is from South India. I'm entranced as my friend's aunt tells me her town is near Maya ruins and she can trace her traditions back to them. That there were different cultures even with in the Mayans. How each subculture has a variation of the same food, like a tamale, and that's a good way to tell them apart. I go to the public communal gatherings of Illinois's Indigenous People, their music and dances pasted down for generations. I am jealous of my Eritrean friend's traditional habesha kemis.

I spend my time learning about as many cultures of people of color as I can. I live vicariously through these culture. With the knowledge and time that people spent teaching me, I'm as proud as I'm allowed to be. It's a love and pride by association. I feel at home on boats from learning from Filipino people as well Iroquois. I can dance to several different south African drum beats. But none of it is mine. They might take me in but it's not my homeland. I'm a culture refugee. I have to be let in I can't just walk in the door. It's a privilege to be allowed in. I know that the same access can be denied at anytime. What if they decide to kick me out? Tell me to go back home? Where is that?

There is black culture in America but it's so young. I want more than what currently exist. The problems we face have never been faced before. We don't have a history of how to handle it. We don't have a cohesiveness either. No holidays, no religions, no system that organizes us, no medicine, no land and no customs. We are constantly undermined by a government, by a country that always oppressed us. They are constantly erasing our history and destroying any foothold we get at establishing ourselves. We have a common enemy, music, food, dance, a bonnet, and an emerging language. I've studied it all. When/ If Black America ever makes it as a culture where will we be from? This land isn't ours. We will be homelandless. Will people still be on this planet long enough for us to establish the culture? We will the white people stop robbing us of culture? I want to appreciate my culture not be part of creating it.

I long for something already established not something trying to grow. Plus, I had culture, it was somewhere in Africa. But it's gone and so I'm just suppose to create a new one? What about the centuries lost? There has to be something that survived? The kicker is even if something survived slavery destroyed so many unique cultures that we wouldn't know who it might belong to.  It's not like slavery just wiped out the Incas, 1 large unique nation. Slavery wiped out a lot of particular nations without recording any data. Cultures that had mostly oral traditions and not a lot of written or permanent documentation. Just imagine finding a ancient grave site in the area where the slave trade was. Who are those people? We may never know because we erased their lineage's culture from history. There's a permit gap in the middle of the story that we will never get back.

I want a chance at having a story. One that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. But the middle of story has been ripped out and burned. The story has to continue. But how are we supposed to write an ending? Can an author finish an epic with no knowledge of its past? The cohesive timeline has been destroyed so does it even matter? With the middle missing no reader will ever be able to make heads or tails of it. It almost impossible to write an end that would make sense anyway. So I understand the desire not to try. But we can't start a new book. We have to continue the current one. I would think one would rewrite the middle. And maybe that's what we're doing as best we can. As much as we long for the earlier additions to the saga they have been destroyed. So we mourn for what's lost and we rewrite as best we can.

Skit: health care

As a millennial who is severely under employed healthcare is important to me. As a 25-year-old who is about to lose their parents insurance healthcare is important to me. As someone who's anatomy basically means family planning is up to them healthcare is important to me. As a very liberal snowflake who thinks healthcare should be free healthcare is important to me. As someone who gets sick a lot healthcare is important to me. As someone who has a few chronic and lifetime illnesses healthcare is important. But as someone born with (and still has) a uterus+, and skin that ranges from Sambuca to Chamois I'm not important to healthcare.

Black people and women, which I am both*, don't received the same standard of healthcare as white people or men. Women's pain tends to be ignored. Women's mental states tend to be seriously overlook, neglected, or left out completely when it comes to formulating a diagnosis. Women's health issues tend to be blamed on various things that specific to the non male anatomy (different hormone levels, uteruses, periods, pregnancy, ect). Women are often treated us hysterical instead of being taken seriously. Black people also aren't treated fairly when it comes to pain; often not receiving the medicine or treatment to deal with the pain. There are many misconceptions in the medical community. Apparently white doctors think black people have thicker skin, that black people pain is inevitable, many are lying to get drugs, and that our nerves don't feel pain the same way.

Not taking black people seriously has lead to higher death rates for black people in America. Black people are more likely to die from a stroke because of medical professionals. Black people with cancer or more likely to go on diagnosed and then die due to detecting it so late. Black people tend to go undiagnosed longer as well. A lot of mental health issues go undiagnosed in the black community. They also tend to have STDs longer because those also go undiagnosed.

Not taking women seriously has led to high mortality rates during childbirth. America ranks last among developed countries when it comes to pregnancy care. Women are more like from heart disease, stroke, the flue, and pneumonia. No one should be dying of the flue. Medical professionals write off women so much that we are drying of the flue. Medical professionals are also leaving women undiagnosed. That leads to blood poisoning from toxins building up in the body. Health issues around periods often goes undiagnosed. Doctors don't take women seriously when we talk about the pain of a period or the length.

There are some things that are medically relevant about black people and women that medical professionals should be aware of. It is harder to find donor organs for black people. Lab results involving blood should have different averages set for black people because our blood is different**. Black people tend to absorb less UV rays however are more likely to go on diagnosed for skin cancer. Black people tend be anemic and have a vitamin D deficiency°. Black people have a high chance of fibrosis. Women display different symptoms for heart attack. Osteoarthritis affects more women than men. Women tend to be more aware of pain than men. Women tend to have higher stress levels than men as well.  A women's period and hormone effect how well medicines work. Women's hormones and menstrual cycle effect their mental health and should be taken into consideration when treating their mental health issues. My psychiatrist had to change all my medications when I got an IUD.

The health care field treats more than just white men so maybe they should study more than just white men. If doctors aren't going to address their bias then we need to standardize care. Some hospitals are weighing sponges and towels to show exactly how much blood is being lost. Some hospitals are requiring specific test if you present with certain symptoms. But as a black woman I deserve more than that. I should be included in medical testing. I should be thought about when it comes to medical screening (no white person's notice light bruising on my skin, I might not even notice). But most importantly I should be taking seriously. Small children are hard to treat because they can't tell you what's wrong. I can! I can answer questions. I can give more detail. I want to get better. But if my doctor ignores me and treats me like a uncommunicative child how are they going to figure out what's wrong with me?

+: Vagina, fallopian tubes, ovaries, and a clitoris. (The non phallic common reproductive system)

*: For the sake of the argument, because doctors don't ask what my gender identity is, and when it comes to medical treatment I am a women.

**:hemoglobin, mean corpuscular volume (MCV), serum transferrin saturation (TS), serum ferritin, and white blood cell count as parts per million

°: Vitamin D, is produced in mammalian skin upon exposure to UV rays from the sun. Because black skin  absorbs less UV rays than white people we produce less vitamin D

Skit: Missing "Gender"

I realize I don't talk about my gender much. I am non binary, neither female or male. I meet a lot of non binary people but none like myself. I meet a lot of trans people but none like me. Everyone else has spent a great amount of time thinking about their gender, trying to get to a concrete well flushed out definition. Gender is an integral part of who they are as a person. It's an important part of who they are. They dress a certain way because it helps them feel more like theirselves.

Then there's me. My dad never really treated me only like a girl. He did of lot of things a Dad would  stereotypically do with the son with me as well. My siblings never treated me just as a girl. My friends treated me as a mix most of my life. I've just been me this whole time. I never really stopped to think that I wasn't a female because nobody treated me as solely female. I never stopped to think if I was male or not because I've never just been treated as a boy. I'm treated the way I want to be by the people I love. I don't really care what outsiders think of me. Strangers miss gender me all the time but I don't care. I know I don't "look" whatever my actual gender is. I don't have a real grasp on my gender. I didn't have to think about it until I was 18. I was actually bewildered and confused when someone asked me what my gender was. Nobody had ever asked me before. I never had to think about it. I obviously have a gender but I still haven't polished it out. I'm going with generally non binary cuz it is the only one that feels similar to who I am. I know it's important to figure it out, because it's part of knowing who you are. But it's not going to change how I am, or how my friends treat me. It's more for strangers. Therefore, I'm not treating it with any urgency

Skit: Re: Bad. Bad Humans. Bad

6In response to aforementioned post, I decided to make a list of how we can be better. The responses are in the same order as the original post. There's no use complaining if you don't have any a solutions. The asterisk* means: this assumes that public higher education, trade schools, and universal Health Care are free. Aka funded through taxes and paid by the government.

It's 2019! Here's how you could be better

°Problems that effect a large group of people are usually systemic. It is difficult to dismantle that system but in doing so ensures a lasting solution. Also blame the rich
°Almost every ethnic  has something to be ashamed of, and that's fine. Accept that shame and make sure you learned from their mistakes. Also pride in your own culture doesn't mean putting down others.
°Empathize, learn, and try to understand about all races.
°Learn to accept, not fear, change. Different doesn't mean bad.
°Don't round up a specific group of people and constitutionally detain them.
°Don't separate families unnecessarily
°Don't take children from their parents unnecessarily
°Hire more public defenders and make them accessible to people and immigration court.
°Respect & acknowledge consent then act accordingly
°It is fine to defend against unverified allegations. It is fair to defend someone who has learned from their mistake and is a changed person. It is also fair to defend against exiling the person. Rapists need to be rehabilitated to the process requires support.
°Pass Laws to legalize Sex Work. It's been around for ages and is not going anywhere. Legalization would give oversight and protections.
°Fix our broken justice system with some black and white rules. Obviously not every case will fit into these black and white rules and thus will require  more deliberation but in general.
°When you can make choices that are better for the environment
°Understand that gender is a general social construct that is suppose to make life easier to understand not control people, perpetuate hate, and/or limit people.
°Fight for equal pay
°Understand bodies and minds work differently and that difference shouldn't determined  someone's access
°Stop mass murdering specific groups of people
°Look for (and then implement) ways one can divest from Israel
°Start a marketing campaign for our national parks to increase visitation by 300%. That way we don't allow companies to drill in them for our governments profit.
°Invest in upkeep of our national parks so that more people are visiting. Then we won't sell the land it will be unpopular in public opinion.
°Fund our national Parks so they don't have to close
°Tax the rich their fair share of taxes while also closing all of their loopholes which help only the rich avoid paying their fair share of taxes
°Raise the federal minimum wage to a livable wage based on the state with the highest cost of  living
° Repeal"At Will" Labor Laws
°Push Congress to create  and pass a plan to fund a massive project to overhaul are infrastructure
°Revamp and fix our immigration system starting with hiring more people
°Get FDA approved male birth control and hold men as accountable in pregnancies
°Treat drug addictions as the illnesses it is.
°Set up standers for prison conditions and the system that is prison that require the prison to be reformative
°In theory private prisons aren't a bad idea. They remove a financial burden from the government. However, there needs to be strict oversight in how they operate and make their money. For instance they should not be able to charge the government for not keeping the prison full. Also they shouldn't be able to exploit the inmates for free labor.
°Rehabilitating the inmates. Again making sure by the time that the inmates leave the prison they have skills and experience that are in demand  in the the economy thus almost ensuring them a job. Private prison should get some federal funding so that they can educate, teach, treat, and offer therapy to inmates. They should get federal money that goes to free college +high school education, free trade schools, and free health care that includes mental/behavioral Health care*
°Treating of people with mental illness for free*
°A economic system that has a competitive price system and markets that keep cost low for consumers. Operates using the principle of Efficiency of Economic and the belief that economic inequality is bad for society (thus bad for the domestic economy). The government is responsible for reducing said economic inequality via programs that benefit the poor. Is consumer choice driven and there is equal opportunity for all. While also fueling a need to improve. Large-scale industries must benefit society as a whole.
°Restoring the Environment for profit. In our current economic system I think that it will have to be lucrative endeavor to fix the environment. If people could make more money off of restoring and fixing the environment than they make money off of destroying the environment then I think we would choose to restore.
°Government oversight for pricing in the Medical and Pharmaceutical Industry
°Revamping and streamlining the immigration system that also involves hiring more people to process the high volume of immigration request.
°Federal protections for employees force companies to act in their employees best interest  and protect their basic needs
°Remove legal loopholes that allow corporations to deny their employees health benefits and accommodations of basic human needs (bathroom and lunch break)
°Remove legal loopholes that allow companies and businesses to under pay their employees.
°More unions
°Remove legal loopholes that allow companies to under pay their employees with disabilities
°Work towards social economical equality through government programs and initiatives. A modern-day Friedman's bureau.
°Free education and healthcare.* Plus a thriving economy that basically guarantees quality standard of living for all
°Making sure Pre K - 12 education includes music, art, recess, physical education, and access to modern technology at every grade level
°Manageable classrooms based on student behavior and academic level of preformance
°Fund schools so that they can meet the needs of the students. Fund schools so that teachers no longer buy their own supplies out of their own pocket. Fund schools so that schools are equipped with everything they needs to educate students.
°Schools that meet basic human needs: working heat for when it's cold, working air conditioning when it's hot, functional water fountains with drinkable water, lights that work, and electricity. The school should also have school furniture all in working order and the school building is not in a state of disrepair
°Replace all lead pipes used for water
°Be proactive against the reasons why violence occurs in schools. Stop it before it starts
°Security guards in schools there to protect the school from external threats only.
°Learn the signs of a student on the edge and address the problem before it escalates. Teach and prepare students how to cope with stress in a positive way.
° The Untied States of America adopt almost identical gun laws to Switzerland and Japan
° Make sure schools have enough full time nurses, counselors/therapist, and social workers/ future planners to meet the needs of the students
°Every School has full-time nurses, counselors, and therapist
°Removing racial profiling as a technique and add racial implications to an overall mental and personal profile of a criminal. Also retain cops and focus on descalation.  Lethal force should be a last resort. Descalation should be first, physical combat to subdue should be next, Injuring to eliminate the threat would follow, lethal force should always be a last resort. Cops should be so well trained they don't really fear for their life when facing a civilian. Also stop hiring abusers and people who are not mentally right for the job (white supremacists, narcissist, violent personalities, ect).
°Anyone who murders in cold blood on purpose (not in defense) should face the consequences. Cops are not above that.
°Cops going to jail serving the just amount of time for killing black people and other people of color just like they would for white people.
°Cops killing unarmed Black People, being tried, convicted, and sentenced to an adequate amount of time in prison
°Trans women's (especially women of color) not being unproportionately murdered.
°Trans women (especially women of color) not being targets of violence
°Fixing our justice system while also giving poor people the resources they need to live. Instead of a school prison pipeline, a school to blue collar job pipeline.
°White people getting the fuck over themselves. Realizing guilt isn't going to make anything better. As a demographic white people are shitty. The only way to change that is for every single white person that doesn't like that  to become comrades in the movement. Educate other white people. Keep other white people from being bad white people. You see a white person making a racist comment, or being generally obtuse, call them out. White people need to make other white people better
°Men go to therapy. Men need to cry. Men need to get in touch with , process, and deal with their feelings in a healthy manner. Also treat non men as people. Give non men the same respect you would a man.
°White people please realize people call you out not to hurt your feelings but to tell you your wrong so you can be better. If white people weren't causing real harm and hurt and y'all were just being ignorant (and if people didn't care about your lack of knowledge), we wouldn't say anything. But white people causing real pain and trauma, a disreportional amount as a demographic. No one knows the causing they are causing harm until someone says something. That's why people speak up. So white people will know and hopefully adjust accordingly. Calling people out isn't about hurting them or making them feel guilty it's so that you change. White people, stop letting your guilt and hurt feelings keep you all from having the realization that your actions are negatively affecting people. Realize and then stop doing the thing causing the harm.
°When you have hate just admit it. You don't need to justify hate. It's a feeling. If hate brings you to war just say that. Don't try to cover up there hate with lies. If you have hate, own it.
°Queer people (especially people color) being loved and supported like the regular people that they are.
°therapy and rehabilitation for people who commit domestic abuse too.
°The United States of America  minding it's own fucking business. Solving some of their own internal problems
°America's ending it's wars in the Middle East.
°Write, pass, and ratify a constitutional amendment to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity in employment, housing, public accommodations, public education, federal funding, credit, and the jury system.
°One More state ratifying Equal Rights Act (Congress do a little bit more too but...)
°Feminism that is inclusive of all women  because that's part of what feminism is about
°Federally legalization of marijuana
°Expunging marijuana charges.
° Ajust and equitable treaty between the US and Indigenous People
°Not taking any more of Indigenous People's land
° Not polluting water
°Treating Indigenous People equitably and justly

Skit: Bad. Bad humans. Bad

Just in case we need a refresher in 2019 of what is unacceptable I have made a list. The majority of things that I'm touching on are endemic to the United States of America. However, the general ideas are applicable to the current humans species.
It's 2019! Get your shit together humans!
°Nazis
°White Supremacist
°Racism
°Xenophobia
°Concentration Camps
°Putting Children in Cages
°Stealing Children from their Parents
°Not offering defendants in every court a public defender/ public attorney/ legal representation
°Rape
°Defending rapist in an attempt to dismiss or offset the act of raping someone
°Sex Trafficking
°using power in privilege to escape/avoid justice
°Destroying the Environment out of Laziness
°Sexism
°gender factoring in the how much you make
°Ableism
°Genocide
°Supporting Israel's continued attempts to wipe out Palestine
°Drilling and Deforestation in National Parks
°Rezoning land so that it is no longer part of the National Parks so that companies can use that land (usually means deforestation and/or drilling)
°Permanently Closing and selling national parks (but really parks of any kind so that companies can have that land
°Taxing the poor and middle class more than the rich
°Minimum wage being below livable wage
°"At Will" Labor Laws
°Standing ideally by as infrastructure disintegrates
°Building a Border Wall
°Legally limiting beneficial and safe reproductive care for adults (abortion bans)
°The Criminal and Incarceration aspects of the war on drugs
°Private Prisons for Profit
°Private Prisons
°Using Prison Labor for Free Labor (a form of indentured servitude which is one step away from slavery)
°Criminalization of people with mental illness
°American Capitalism
°Destroying the Environment for profit and/or pure laziness
°The lack of Government oversight for pricing in the Medical and Pharmaceutical Industry
°The Broken Immigration System
°Corporations inhumane treatment of their employees
°Legal loopholes that allow corporations to deny their employees health benefits and accommodations of basic human needs (bathroom and lunch break)
°Legal loopholes that allow companies and businesses to under pay their employees.
°Union busting
°Legal loopholes that allow companies to under pay their employees with disabilities
°Racially segregateing communities by systematically financially disenfranchising people of color
°Denying basis education, healthcare, and a quality standard of living on the basis of money.
°removing music, art, recess, physical education, and access to modern technology from education and still calling it a quality education
°overcrowded classrooms
°underfunded schools
°schools without heat and air conditioning
°The fact that lead pipes are still like use for water
°Cops in schools
°Armed security guards in schools
°School Shootings
°America's lax gun laws
°Cops/security guards in schools that don't have full time nurses, counselors/therapist, or social worker/ future planner
°Schools without full-time nurses, counselors, and therapist
°Cops killing unarmed Black People
°Cops killing unarmed Black People and keeping there job, being transferred, or  pension (retiring in early)
°Black People murder by the police never getting the justice they deserve
°Cops killing unarmed Black People and not going to prison
°Trans women's (especially women of color) murders going unsolved.
°Trans women (especially women of color) being disproportionately murdered
°The over criminalization of black and brown people
°white people getting hung up on their white guilt and thus not getting to the point where they can be comrades in the movement
°Toxic Masculinity
°White Fragility
°Using Religion to justify Hate and War
°Queer people (especially people color) disproportionately committing suicide
°Domestic Violence
°The United States of America  destabilizing other countries
°America's wars in the Middle East.
°The fact that there's no constitutional protection to prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity in employment, housing, public accommodations, public education, federal funding, credit, and the jury system.
°The fact that the Equal Rights Amendment still needs to be ratified by 1 more state to pass* (Congress do a little bit more too but...)
°feminism that doesn't include women of color, queer women, and/or women of different ability statuses (by the way if it's not inclusive of all women then it's not feminism)
°People serving prison sentences for sell, buy, or using marijuana
°People who are still technically a felon because of marijuana charges.
°Screwing over Indigenous People
°Taking Indigenous People's land
°Polluting Indigenous People's Water
°Treating Indigenous People Unjustly

Seriously!

Skit: women's soccer

Now a days I rarely find myself singing the praises of white women. I'm still angry about the fact that as a demographic they voting for politicians that want to roll back women's rights. As a demographic they keeps supporting rapists. As a demographic they keep supporting the wage gap. As a demographic they are generally against the interest of all women. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and hope that the women of the USA soccer team do not support views that I would say are in conflict with my right to happiness, life and liberty.

With that said, those women are fucking bosses. They are consistently world champions. They are the best in their field. You can usually find them winning their soccer matches, or celebrating a recent win. They are great role models for young girls. They play with their hearts and passionately. They are dedicated athletes. Which can be demonstrated how much time they spend training. As far as soccer players goes they are amazing women. Who for some reason don't get paid as much as their male counterparts.

They are paid drastically less for 3 times the talent, qualifications, and execution of duties. Despite the fact that in any way one could judge a soccer player, the USA women's team is exceptionally better. They are better than USA's men's team statistically, performance wise, in athletic ability, in money made, and in fan base. They've won more world cup games then times men have ever qualified for the world cup. The women's soccer team have more trophies than the men's team has players. The men's team has NEVER won a FIFA world cup. They men have won 6 CONCACAF Gold Cups. The men have Never won gold in Olympics. The Women's team have: 4 world cups, 4 golds in the Olympics, 6 CONCACAF Gold Cups, and 10 Algarve Cup. Yet the women are paid less. That's like if the shitty off-brand costs more than the objectively better name brand. One would just buy the name brand. Why would someone pay 3 times more for Michelle Williams when you could have Beyonce for less? If I was on the team getting paid what they are being paid I wouldn't even try to win a game much less a world cup.

They are also criticized and chastise for their the way they behave. They have been called unsportsmanlike and unlady like. I didn't know you needed to be lady like to win the world cup. I don't know how their on field performance could reflect on who they are as women. It would be exhausting if on top of being world class soccer players they had to do it in a fashion that's communicated their gender. How does one score of goal like in a stereotypically feminine fashion? Based on what they are getting paid no should be making extra erroneous demands of the USA Women's soccer team. When they celebrate a goal or win it is said that the women's sportsmanship is unbecoming. If you watch a men's soccer game they are so highly animated. I think I was watching Chicago's men's soccer team, one guy made a good pass and then did a backflip to celebrate. He didn't score they didn't win the game it was just a little thing and he did a backflip. Do you know what the announcer said? The announcer said his actions were an act of passion. When the men are overly zealous it's passion but when the women do it it's a disgrace and disrespectful.

The sexism in the sports industry is ridiculous. It is probably one of the only industries still so unchanged by feminism. Female athletes have been saying this for a long time. But now the women are starting to out preform the men. Today it is often more enjoyable to watch women in the sport than it is their male counterparts. That means we are finally listening to the women when they say they are being treated unfairly. Now that some of our top athletes are female we are starting to pay attention. We all watched as Serena Williams was scrutinized. She is being targeted and over regulated. The USA's female soccer team are not being monetarily appreciated. However, I think because Serena and the women's team are winners that they will also win they're civil suits. Also it's important to note that equal pay for the women's team would not mean being paid the same as the men. USA's men's team is full of a bunch of losers. The women should be paid more than the men because the women win more. We pay our best basketball teams more. We pay our the top players in the league more. The women are the best in the league and the best team. We should support the women like we do the men. Feminism is not just in the schools or the board room. It's also on the tennis court, the fairway, field, track, and on the ice. Sexism is unsportsmanlike conduct and should be penalized.

Skit: the Notre Dame cathedral fire

I mourn the Notre Dame cathedral. I get why people are so sad about the fact that a good portion of the cathedral burned down. It is a church which is a religious symbol for a lot of people. It has history which is important to a lot of people. It's architectural astounding given the time it was which is important to people. It is gorgeous which is important to people. Now the cathedral is damaged and the severity of that damage is unknown at this moment. The watching something that is so important to so many people, not just the citizens of Paris and France but of the world, burn elicited a response. I have friends that have been hurt by the Catholic Church. They're angry and I understand that pain. They are rather content to watch it burn and it was a cathartic experience for them. There are a lot people who are hurt by the effects of Napoleon and watching the cathedral burn feels just. I witness their pain and I think it's important for them to understand that now is not the time to fight pain with pain. Now is the time to use pain to understand pain. I can understand something that has in recent years has been a source of friction can cause more tensions due to this disaster. But the cathedral is beautiful, I've seen it. You don't have to believe in God to go into that church. Go because it's gorgeous. Sit in the pew not to pray but to feel the peace. Approach the altar not to repent but to marvel. You don't have to be religious or even Christian to be moved by the Notre Dame cathedral. You don't even have to have eyes. You can touch the stones, wood, glass and the metal accents. If you just touch it you can understand the intricacies of the work that one into it. If you listen you can hear the bells, the organ, or simply the acoustics and it's moving. I don't have a keen sense of smell but I'm sure it's smells amazing the incense and all the history in the air in that building. But if you see it, even from the outside it's so... stunning. For a second you forget about the history and you can just be in awe. I'm not saying after you see it you should forget about the bad history because context is important. I'm saying the cathedral burned and now something so beautiful has been ruined. Now that beauty can't spark wonder, can't inspire, and can't give peace. Now that it has been ruined and it can't be a source good to offset the wrong.

Skit: Straight Aces

At the conference I had lunch with my peeps and we got to the subject of asexuals. Asexual is one of the three things the A stands for in LGBTQIA2S. The other two being Aromantic and Agender. According to my friends "straight" asexuals are disrupting, disturbing, taking up too much space, and ruining queer spaces. My friends went so far as to say that "straight" asexuals shouldn't be allowed in queer spaces. This greatly upset me because being Ace (Asexual) is valid and queer.

The reason we were calling these specific asexuals "straight" is because they are heteroromantic, where it normally means  heterosexual. They are not heterosexual, which we usually call straight, because they are asexual. They also cisgender. Being asexual is the only queer thing about them. Which in my opinion is queer enough.

There is always push back when it seems like there is a non queer in queer spaces. If one doesn't look trans, Non-binary, Agender, Neutrois, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, 2 spirit or not cisgender they might be read as not queer. If one doesn't look gay, lesbians, or queer then a person might be read as not queer.

***  Side Note ***
Now understand that when I say if a person doesn't look like any of these queer identities I'm talking about the stereo typical way to look these identities, which are defined in perpetuated with in the queer community. The identities I didn't list generally don't have a stereotypical look or way to act. Like bisexual, trigender, demisexual, panromantic, ect. Queer communities can greatly vary, so visual definitions of each stereotypical identity can look different in different communities. Also there is the term GNC ( Gender Non Conforming) which is used to talk about presentation. If used as an identity separate of any gender identity, that person is usually technically cisgender. If GNC is used with cisgender identity then of course it's still cisgender. If it is used with any other gender identity than the person is usually trans.
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There are lots of queer people who don't look queer and don't get shunned from the community because they act and/or sound queer. I.E gay voice, use of lingo (Slay, Werk, Yasssss, ect), hand motions, the way they walk, ect. Everyone else is questioned whether or not we are queer and queer enough to be in the space.

There are ways to be straight in the queer community in ways that are generally accepted. A trans person who is heterosexual. A bisexual person who is partnered with someone opposite of the bisexual person's binary gender. Being heteroromantic and homosexual/bisexual/ pansexual. Being heterosexual and homoromantic/ biromantic/ panromantic. If that's all valid, then being asexual, cisgender, and heteroromantic should be too. All asexuals should be welcomed in general queer spaces and general queer only spaces.

I think part problem is who we think should be allowed in the space based on the idea of experiencing shared oppression. I think it's unfair to create general queer space based on the idea of shared oppression. The queer community's sub groups experiences are wildly different from each other. People in the trans community experience life extremely different from those in the gay community because discrimination based on gender is different than discrimination based on sexual orientation. Both of which a different than discrimination based on degrees of sexual attraction (feelings around and wanting to have sex). I think what should bring us together is wanting to live as our authentic selves freely, to the best of our ability, with the same rights as everyone else, and without the imminent and constant threat of danger/ violence against us. Under that definition and limiting it to queer identities "straight" Ace people would be welcomed in the space.

Another part of the problem is "straight" Asexual folks claiming that their experience in the world is just as difficult as trans people or non - heterosexuals (that also aren't part of the Ace community)."Straight" Aces trying to take up too much space by attempting to center the space them and insisting that they've got it just as bad as everyone else is also wrong. The experience of being trans is a significant and unique in it's experience of intolerance. It would be wrong to compare trans-ness to anything else. Comparing oppressions gets us nowhere. The Oppression Olympics is useless, unconstructive, and a large waste of time. Different groups of folks within larger community experience oppression to different extents, being aware of that is an integral part of community-building. When I see someone trying to make an argument that their inequityit's just as bad, I see someone who wants some empathy and understanding. They're trying to prove that they deserve to be in the community and in the space. Instead of yelling at them, shutting them down, and/or removing them from the space or community we should teach them. We always argue about the burden of teaching outside our community. How people in their own community should learn and teach about others that they're a part of. Well "straight"  Ace folks are part of ours and we need to teach them. If they've never been in community or are constantly excluded then they don't know any better. We need to teach them how not to take up more than their share of space, that everyone's experiences are different and valid, and to not compare intolerances. And we need to do it nicely. People are more receptive to doing it nicely, even through they should be thankful for the knowledge no matter how it's presented.

We can fix the problems that current community has with the "straight"  aces and the "straight"  aces' problem of wanting community, empathy, and understanding. All we need to do is be willing to teach  nicely and learn.

Skit: Schrödinger's cat theory played out by me.

I'm non-confrontational. Supposedly I avoid conflict. That's not really true. I have a terrible temper, I lash out when angry, I frustrate easily, I lack patience, I'm prideful, I'm stubborn, I rarely apologize/admit fault,  but I do not avoid all conflict. I will argue, I rather enjoy winning augments, no matter the cost. I often look at friction/tension as a puzzle and the people involved as pieces. I will manipulate and bend the pieces to my will until I arrive at one of the desired solutions. I take the easy way out of problems that don't interests me. If I don't care about the issue or the person why waste my time trying to win? It would be fun but I really don't care that much. Yet, I get called non-confrontational. Which again really isn't true. Non-Confrontational people avoid fights because they are afraid or uncomfortable.

I am an over thinker who compartmentalize. We'll get back to the main point here in a second. I treat problems like puzzles, say a Rubik's Cube.

***Side Note***
Yes, I know there is technically only 1 solution. However, we are going to operate under the parameters that there is now than one solution. We are going to deal with parameters that give us a range of the solutions determined by a undefined equation that I made but then couldn't paste. t≥0 I created an equation using Σ but then I later came back and made it into a piece wise {} equation because I thought that might copy better. I was wrong, anyway, the range of solutions (y) changes based on the input which is the problem (x) and the variables time (t) and people (z).
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I spend my time trying to solve the cube for the most favorable patterns. I do whatever I feel is necessary to get to my solution. I do have a code. I do not do things that oppose my code. I do not do things that waste my time or I that I don't want to do. I'm lazy above all else. I do efficient grade A manipulation, work smart not hard. Everyone is a square and I need them to make my pretty pattern. I move them just like my cube in the optimal amount of time because I lack patience. If I can just solve the puzzle without anyone knowing they have been used I would say that I manipulate to avoid. I don't. I don't care about the tension that comes from people finding out you manipulated them. I care about how my scheme goes up in smoke. If I don't or haven't backed the square into a corner forcing them to be part of my final pattern then I don't get what I want. I manipulate not to avoid conflict but because it's easiest. The optimal lazy way usually win.

I over think and I compartmentalize. Finding optimal probable favorable solutions requires a lot of thought. Manipulating people requires a lot of thought, research, and acting. I have trust issues. I need to keep things need to know without coming off as mysterious and sketchy. I need to be likeable and trustworthy to who ever I'm working. I need to live my lies without becoming the lies or getting them confused. The easiest way would be to base the lies in as much truth as possible. I don't do that. I compartmentalize each lie each life. I currently live 4 different lives most of the time. They are not all completely different name, sexuality, and job usually stay the same. The most I've ever lived congruently was 8. Each social group required a different person. I would interact with 8 different social groups in a week, often times I saw atleast 3 different groups a day. I'm not so busy now.

None of this would tell you why I am I'm non-confrontational.  I mean it does but let me connect the dots if you haven't already. What happens if I care but I don't want to manipulate the person/ situation on the off chance a person I care about finds out and hates me? I also don't want to argue because I'm mean when I'm angry or hurt. I could lie but that defeats the purpose of trying to be honest. I cannot avoid the situation because the person would notice me being different. Avoiding someone without their knowledge requires manipulations or lies both of which have already been eliminated as viable options. Thus non-confrontational. But what makes me afraid or uncomfortable? When you live the way  I do,  over thinking and manipulation are just like breathing, I do it unconsciously. I have to actively not do it. But if there is a problem or tension, I've already seen it coming. If I didn't see it coming I've already spent way too much time thinking about every possible out come because I don't want to be surprised again. I'm also a bit of a control freak. If I'm afraid it's because there is a statically high chance it won't work out the way I want or I will get hurt in the process. Yes, my assumption is usually expect the negative but I'd rather be prepared than optimistic. Also what about my life screams faith in humanity or trust in others? What makes me uncomfortable? If you haven't figured it out vulnerability, honesty, truth, and the opinion of some one I care about of me. I run from these particular moments of confrontation more than Trump runs from the truth or Hillary runs for president. I am more afraid that the person I care for doesn't care for me than anything else. Ignorance is bliss. If I don't have to know and don't notice then I can be happy in my Schrödinger's cat box of a life. If conflict happens, I believe I know the person, and I care about them then I can't live in my paradoxical box any more. I will theoretically find out the truth. There is one more possibility and this has only happened once in my life that I know of, and it still ended in me getting hurt, I don't know the person. The person is better at lying and manipulating than me. The person lies and manipulates me without me knowing. I care about them and at their mercy I believe the person cares about me. I get to keep living my lie as long as it suits that person's interest.

***Side note****
Who out smarted me and bothered to let me know? Kimmy. Around the time I first met her we talked about a shared interests in manipulation. We didn't talk about it ever again until after she broke my heart. We started dating and unbeknownst it was all part of her plot to out manipulate me. Except I wasn't playing or aware of the game. I didn't realize it was all a lie until after she publicly broke up with me. Nothing about our brake up made sense to me at the time. She said I was cheating on her work her ex boyfriend, who I never met and was abusive  Web had a meeting with a guidance counselor about a week later for some mediation, not my idea. One thing she said made it all make sense. Kimmy said "It's like she think this is a game. She is playing us like a chess game. It's nothing personal she just wants to win." I had said the almost the same thing to her when we were talking about manipulating people. I said "It's a game. Treat people like pieces and play them like chess. All that matters is if you win." My heart hurt when she broke up with me strangely. But it felt like my life left my body when I realized what she had done. When we left the counselor I turned to her and said good game and she shook my hand. I loved her and she destroyed me.
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