P.S. for Felix

Dear Felix

I have willed my letters and everything I've ever written about Amoriartii to them. Don't give them to them yet. They will just throw them away. But I know in time they will miss me and want something to remember me fondly. Please give them to them only when you're sure they aren't angry or sad any more. It will probably take a few years. But when they miss me. Then give them to Amoriartii.

I also have charge you with a task in my will and final testament. Love Amoriartii more now than you ever have. Please do this for me. Grow your love for them everyday. When you don't want to and you're ready to give up, love them. Love them past the end of time because I can't. I tried.

If I could have stayed alive on the sheer power of love I have for Amoriartii, you, and rest of my people I would still be alive. But life doesn't work that way and I was unable to find my way out of the darkness. I've been battling this demon since I was 7 years old and I could not fight anymore. The want to die has been part of my life longer than I've been queer. I couldn't keep fighting with myself. It is with a heavy heart that I made this choice. I didn't want to hurt all of the people I love so much. I didn't want to write this. But I felt the least I could do was tell everyone that I loved that there was nothing you could have done. There were no signs for you to see. There were no cries for help. I've been in therapy all my life with many different people. I've tried endless combinations of prescriptions. I've been hospitalized. I've been to residential treatment. I couldn't imagine living in a hospital or residential facility for even year. It's all about quality of life. I've been where I wanted to go. I've seen what I wanted to see. I've lived well despite it all. I've made friends with some of the best people I had the privilege to meet. It was time for me.

I won't say I will never send this. I just know at the moment. I won't be sending this. For the past 5 years of my life my Will has been the same: money for these people and causes, stuff goes to a few certain people, sell and donate things, a few specific letters if I killed myself or otherwise died, orders for my company, a post about the fact that I have died, and passwords so my best friend can deactivate all my accounts. I have a generic note written to whom ever I'm dating. I have a letter to my bestfriend. I have a letter to my board. I had a letter and things for Amoriartii. After this January I revised my Will. I added three people to give things to and completely removed Amoriartii. I copied the letter into my online folder of Amoriartii memories then burned the physical copy. Upon my death my bestfriend is the to transfer this file and all of its contents to Amoriartii's spouse (who is currently Felix). Along with the instructors to give them to Amoriartii when they are ready.

PS. But how do you feel

Dear Amoriartii,

Congratulations again. I am honored to attend your wedding. I am very sorry that I won't be able to attend the reception. My best friend is getting his wisdom teeth out and I have to travel to be able to drive him back from the dentist. However, because I can't attend your reception you will surely be the best dressed there.

I am sad we didn't get to see each other while you were in my city. I will have to wait to see if you are the better dancer and Gypsy Warrior Moon Child wanted to see Felix. I really wanted to say sorry for betraying your trust and hurting you. We have known each other for about five years and I should have known better. I don't mean to hurt you. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I know you were busy but to me it almost seemed like my wanting to apologize made you uncomfortable? We haven't really talked in over a year so I have know idea what's going on with you or what this past year has been like for you but I did honestly just want to catch up as well. I'm sure you've been saving the world from disasters, protecting queer youth, doing unimaginably kinky things with the cutest boys, and singing your lungs out all while wearing at least 5 inch heels. I guess I'll have to wait a little longer to hear of your amazing adventures.

When I messaged you on Facebook those where just honest questions. I'm at a lost for what's going on with you. I do want to know what you want and need from me. I was asking because I wanted to know if were going to talk to each other in the future? If we would still visit each other? I don't think I'm asking for some thing complicated. I'm not trying to mess with your life. I'm not asking for any type of relationship acquaintances, friends, business, whatever Trump has going on with the leaders countries that are suppose to be are allies, ect. My intentions are sincere but you don't have to believe and I don't blame you for not trusting me. It's just that we don't talk anymore and I am wondering if that is going to be permeant.
See you in January,

J-Skittles

I'm going to send this email. I'm waiting until the month is over then I'm going to send this out.

P.S. I love you platonically and I'm going crazy

Content warning: violent graphic imagery, mutilation, depression, and suicidal ideation.

I said I missed you. In itself not a lie. But definitely not the entire truth. I said I missed you. What I meant to say was I miss you and please tell me you're not passive aggressively avoiding me cuz you don't know what to say. I miss you and please tell me you're not pushing me away because I became too clingy. I know that I clung to you like the last strand tieing me reality for a month. And that wasn't fair. Even if I try to make it not so obvious you probably noticed. I wish I could tell you it's not as bad as it looks. But I am trying not to lie to you so when I tell you that I tried not to cling to you what I mean is I tried not to cling to you in a way that you would notice. For every message I sent I could have sent a thousand more. I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to curb and edit my stream-of-consciousness into the characters of just one text message. I tried to only text you on the days that I didn't cry for more than 5 hours. I tried to be as stable as possible and texting you and not scare you. But I also really wanted to be honest with you because I knew you would understand. I knew you wouldn't be scared. I knew I could say that today was a day where I wish to remove my teeth and my tongue so that I could stop talking. I wish you did it so that when people asked me, when my therapist asked me to talk about it I literally could just open my mouth and show them I couldn't. I wish you did so that I can just spend more time crying and not doing the hard work of rebuilding my life. I wish you did because I'm much better at dealing with tangible physical pain that I am with emotions. I knew that you would understand when I said I would be willing victim to your grotesque horror movie you would know exactly what I was talking about. Not the thrillers like "Get Out" where they play mind games with you more of "Jason" and "Chucky". Just chop me up to pieces and get on with it already. I know that you will see the deeper meaning and when I ask you to chop me into pieces or put me through a woodcutter. I want to physically be as broken as I feel. I've always loved a good jigsaw puzzle. I've always been much better at treating my physical wounds then anything I couldn't touch. I think it would be cathartic to put myself back together. If you made me a jigsaw puzzle and I could put myself back together, I'd be a beautiful complete image. There would be closure and the feeling of being incomplete and the pain would be finite. I would take great joy and being a 5000 piece puzzle. Searching for the different parts of me and seeing how they all fit together. I knew I could say these things to you because of your dark fantasies but also being a pacifist. I know you would never hurt somebody unless you had to and even then you might not do it. But I'm not asking you to go against your beliefs. That's not why I send you the text of today I would let you filet most of my skin off. I send it to you because you're a pacifist and you don't like seeing people in pain. You wouldn't do it to cause me pain but to ease my suffering. If I asked you to Shatter Me I know you wouldn't take joy in shattering me. You would take joy and helping a friend, and helping get better. And you might take a little more joy from that if that involves shattering me. I did not mean to overload your senses or make you worried. When you met me I was broken and you just see me fall more part since we've been friends. I am a phoenix my fire dies I turn to ash, but then I'm reborn out of the ashes. I meant to burn out and wither. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that up front. I miss you not because you're the string that ties me to reality. I'm back unfortunately. I miss you because you understand. I miss you because you're strange. I miss you for the reasons you like Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I miss you for all the many ways I will never understand you. I miss trying to understand anyway. I miss acceptance being a two-way street. I'm not saying you don't accept me anymore and I'm not saying I don't accept you. I'm saying I have anxiety and the many ways that your mind is creative and creates beautiful unique seemingly unthinkable things to me. My mind finds a different reason for you to hate me, push me away, or ghost me every second. Sometimes my ADHD joins in on the fun and can't even focus on each idea as they appear it gets distracted and combines things to completely new ideas or takes it somewhere it wasn't even going. Yesterday I decided you didn't want to be friends anymore because I gave you the wrong Christmas gift. Even though I know you love your Christmas gift it's Fenty you love Riri. I had one where you thought your partner here was cheating on you with me which is not a thing because you both are polyamorous. Not to say polyamory can't have cheating. The way that you do it and the way I understand both of your relationships that wouldn't be a thing where I'm concerned anyway. There was also one where you ghosted me because I told you I like the way you snore. I know it's an odd thing to say but I've already said it and you weren't bothered by it and let me come visit multiple times after that. I have not said it since the first time so I know that that could not be a reason. Still I dwelled on it for about 2 weeks. All this is to say I wasn't completely honest when I said I missed you. But in all honesty the truth wouldn't fit in just one text message.

I will never send this to Lovely because I panic. This is very anxiety-provoked and I know that I am currently in a manic state. Neither are the best for communication when you're worried that what you've been communicating is the source of the problem. I will talk things her when I see her next. It has been a hard summer not seeing her at all. I'm very used to structure and the structure has been seeing her at the beginning and end of my summer. Which is not the case this year. She's also going through her own shit and so time apart is probably the best. I don't need to lose more people in my life right now. It is probably best to take a patience route even though it's longer.

P.S: What I meant to say

Content trigger warning:
Suicide
Suicidal ideation
Sexual violence
Physical violence
Rape
Death talk

Lovely,

Thank you for letting me visit. Thank you for trying to save me. Thank you for loving me even when its hard. I'm broken. I was broken when you met me. I've continued to break down since then. I'm sorry, I didn't want to ask this off you. I know its too much. I keep very few trusted confidants. It makes it easier to keep secrets. It makes it hard to get support. I never learned to trust. I'm trying to learn. The few people I do keep either turn against me and I have to end them in everyway possible expect physically. Or they die. Before I got to college I got tired of going to funerals. I keep a small inner circle because I can only stand so much loss. It also takes forever for me to open up. Some people in my life have been there for 10 years and still don't know me as well as you do. I want you to know your emotional labor is greatly appreciated. It means more to me than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I will never be able to repay you but I will try.

I have actually pulled people from the water when they were drowning, complete strangers. That's been my job since I was 15. I have saved my friends' lives countless times. I am the person people run to when thighs go wrong. I've been doing that since 4th or 5th grade. Right after thier heart breaks, when they are in trouble, when they aren't safe, when they are going through it mentally, or when they need something handled people call me. I save. I get calls in the middle of the night and I get in my car. I have gotten on countless planes for people. Who saves me though? Just two people. You and my bestfriend. I try to keep your load light. When I've messed up and I'm metaphorically covered in blood I never thought I'd show up at your door. Husband number 7 has always been the one to help me get ride of everything. I'm suppose to go to him. For this I couldn't though. He didn't understand. I want you to know I'm a  meticulous planner. I worry and plan for the worst. I have plans for everything from nuclear war, natural disasters, all the way to deaths and being a fugitive/ enemy of the state. I didn't have a plan for this. I didn't know what to do or have some else to turn to.

I am a sexual violence and rape survivor. I never thought I would be here. I have very few regrets in my 24 years of life. I think I had two before this. This is makes three. I can see myself doing a lot as I've been through a lot. I have a history of violence. I got into serious fights (like imagine tv prison fights) growing up. For all but two altercations, I would black out. I always remember asking whoever was picking on me to leave me alone. I would ask other people to tell them I'm just having a bad day and tomorrow they can pick on me all they want. I would say please don't touch me. "Not today, any day but today. Please I don't want to fight." I would usually say. I was never fighter if I was picked on or beat up I would just take it usually. But about once a year I would have a bad day and they wouldn't leave me alone. Then the next thing I remember when I got into fights is being in the principles office crying and usually bloodly, not my blood. At this point the principal had already called my mom and/or Dad. The Police were usually in the room standing in the back or outside of the door. When I came to I eventually stopped being shocked. My mom/Dad would yell at me on the phone and ask what did I do. My answer was always I don't know/ I can't remember. My parents or the principal would be the first to give me a one or two sentence synopsis of what I did. From kindergarten to 8th grade I was bullied/tormented mercilessly. I got the one by the year except for  when I was in 7th grade. For 7 years  ones that stand out the most in those 7 years are when I beat a kid with a chair, broke a girl's leg and dislocated that same knee cap, beat up/ sent to the hospital three brothers on the playground all older than me, and I left a permanent scar of my initials on the back of one girl's neck . I don't remember any of this but I was told by the principal, my parents, the police and everyone at school. If everyone had the same story of time that I don't remember then its the truth or I live in a black mirror episode. I remember one plan my childhood best friend and I planned that was violent. I remember that same bestfriend and I getting into a fight before I went to a different highschool. I remember those two things better than yesterday. Its like a DVD in my brain that I can play anytime. This is being added to the collection of trauma.

This was never something I thought I could do.  Its destroying me. I didn't make it to pick you up from work because I spent three hours picking. My foot is bloody. I couldn't walk because it hurt and my leg cramped from the way I had it positioned. I ate which is a victory but I still wake up in the middle of the night crying. I reached out to you and you where either hot (I hope you were just hot), or you secretly hate me/don't trust me/ don't feel the same way about me any more. Which is fine. I would/will understand considering. Know that no matter what you decide to do from this point on, I'm glad we are/were friends. Thank you for always being there.
Love,

J-Skittles

I will never send this to them. I don't want them to worry. This very much sounds like a suicide goodbye letter and its not. I also don't want them to know I'm self mutilating. I just want them to know that I wouldn't have asked this of them if I had anyone else. I'm trying not to die. Its really hard. I already wanted to die. When I was with V I was happy and still wanted to die. I just didn't want to want to die when I was with V.  Now I really want to die. I don't have anything in me that doesn't want to want to die. My brain keeps telling me I deserve to die. It also says this is the perfect time. Everyone will understand how I end up dead becuase of what's going on. I have no reason to fight, but I am. I keep telling myself:
1) Death is the easy way out. You can't learn and do better if you're dead. V wants me to learn and do better.

2) I don't deserve to die over this.

3 ) My brain says I'm a monster. My brain is sick and this is making it worse. I am nothing like the people who hurt me. I didn't mean to and I didn't know. I know that if it had been diffrent I wouldn't be here because I'm not a moster. Live and remind yourself you're not a monster.

P.S.: To my Dear Comrades, Lovers, Friends, and Kink Family

It is hard for me to write this. Torn between professionalism and my deep love for each of you individually, I struggle not only with words but tone. So I write this, my letter of resignation, as private, intimate, and extremely personal break up letter. I am sorry. I am sorry for the hurt I am causing. I am sorry for sending KU to its all but certain death. I am trying to write this without excuses. I want to write it were I take 100% accountability for my actions. I messed up and deeply hurt someone I love with my actions, intentions aside, that is the truth and the point. Those actions, that moment, even now having drawn to a close, continues to hurt people. Each of you have become unwilling collateral damage. The people I will never reach, help, teach, etc have also been robbed and hurt. My love and respect for everyone involed, my ex and each of you is why I must leave. Abusers, regardless of thier intentions, have no place in our work. My presence is no longer a neutral one, I now jeopardize the safe space we try and create in our work. If I make someone uncomfortable because of my actions, my mistake, I must be removed. I love each of you so much to not burden you with the penance I must now pay. I have loved almost every moment I had the privilege of being your fearless leader. I love and cherish every moment I spent learning, growing, laughing, and bonding with each of you. I will miss this so much. There is so much I wanted to do.  KU deserves better. KU deserves something I am no longer capable of giving it. I will only hurt KU by staying so I must leave.  When you love something, or some ones, its/ thier happiness is just as important as your own. I want KU, you all, to be happy, with or without me, whatever KU/ you all need.  In order to do what it does, I must leave KU. I leave becuase I love KU. I love KU selflessly. I love KU because I love all of you. I leave becuase I respect all of you. Know that my love, even through no longer present, never waivers. It does not diminish. It is as strong today as it were yesterday, as it will be tomorrow. My love endures. Never doubt that I love KU, never doubt that I love all of you.
From the bottom of an overflowing heart,

J Skittles.

This, or some version of this, will eventually be sent. My now ex girl friend says I raped her. I do not deny the claim. I only want to add it is more complicated than it appears. In the future when she makes her claim public that is all I will say on the matter. I am not here for people sympathizing with rape perpetrators. This is not about me. The community's energy is better spent focusing on healing my ex. Helping her over come trauma. I refuse to take away from that. In turn being labeled an abuser I must leave projects, groups, and KU. There is no space for abusers in the spaces I use to inhabit.

Here however, I will speak because I have the space to do so without taking away. She says I raped her. I do not deny it. Her truth is based on the fact that during sex (after we had already started and where rather in the middle of things) she told me to slow down and wait. I did not because over the noise of the night, myself, and the music I didn't hear her. I herd nothing until she asked me if we could take a break, to which I of course said yes and stopped. To me when someone in kink ask/ tells me to slow down that means pause and check in unless otherwise agreed upon. Wait to me means the same thing. She knows this and I failed to do so because I didn't hear her. I did not intend to rape her, but I did. So it is not as clear cut as it may seems. When I herd her I acknowledged and stopped. I did not ignore her. But I am still responsible so I agree, I did rape her.

P.S. Let's stop fighting even though I hurt you

My therapist says I need to try to see it from other's point if view. That people aren't out to get me. Hurting me is usually just an unforeseen effect. Or hurting me was a necessary evil to protect themselves. Try to understand where the other person is coming from. I thought I was rather good at placing myself in your shoes, we do wear the same size. I was actually extremely broken up about betraying your trust. Trust I spent the last four years cultivating. Four years, gone. I didn't mean to hurt you. Until recently I never meant to hurt you. After January has been a different story but before all of this I never wanted to cause you pain. Knowing I hurt you crushed me. This probably isn't the first time I've hurt you. I think that time I met your boyfriend when I came to D.C. dinner would be one. He and I ganged up on you. That was uncalled for. All the times I disappeared without a word probably hurt too. When I would tease you and went too far. If I was you I would see me as fickle. It would be hard to trust someone who is always leaving for no reason. It would be scary to love someone like that. I wouldn't want to get attached either. I don't think I could deal with someone so moody. Plus you knew I was broken and I came with my own baggage. It would be hard for me to get past all that. There is a lot of tramua that I wasn't working on, that I am still not working on. There are so many wounds still open so many wounds festering, infected, and unable to heal. Could I handle all the complexities that I come with? So many red flags I would have run the other way.  I am hard to love. I am hard to trust. I am hard to get to know. I am hard to understand. It was never easy for you was it? But you tried. You kept trying. You never gave up on me. You are patient.  I never gave you any credit for all that you did. I only criticized. I only saw how hard I was working I never considered you were working just as hard. Being accused of not caring not trying probably hurts more than anything. Me with my impossible standards. They weren't impossible standards in my eyes.  I just didn't communicate what my expectation were with you never had a chance cuz you didn't know. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I didn't mean to. I never wanted to. I would have changed immediately if I would have known. If I would have just stopped to think. If I could have just gotten out of my own head and looked at the system as a whole. Until now I never tried to see it from your point of view. The problem with us being so similar is I forget just because it feels like you have telepathy doesn't mean you're actually in my head. I need to talk. I am willing to talk, listen, and be open minded if you can do the same.
Xoxo

J Skittles

This was hard. For the same reasons it is hard for Amoriartii to know that they have hurt me, its hard to know when I've crossed that line. I know them very well but I can only know when they are hurting if they want me to know.  We hide pain, fear, and love for each other from each other. I am going to trust blindly. It is terrifying to give someone the ability to bring me down. Not that I'm not already destroyed but its different with Amoriartii. If I tell them the truth, they know me so well they could make me do anything. I'm giving them control and hoping they don't use it. But I think I have too in order to reach them. I have to show them I trust them. That I still love them. Then maybe they will remember they love me too.

P.S. Let's stop Fighting even though I was wrong

I have a problem with communication. I think we have a problem communicating, but this is about me being wrong, not you, for now. I would be upset with you and just take space/ disappear from your life. I would never tell you why. At the very least I should have said when you did_ it made me feel_ and now I'm going to take some space until I feel better. I think I have only told you once, and that was when you fuck the boy in the same room with me without my consent. I never gave you the opportunity to own up to your shit. I never gave you a chance to have a conversion with me and work to make things better for the future. I think its my hatred for confrontation. Its hard for me to admit to anyone that they hurt me. I don't want them to know that they can do that to me. I don't want anyone to know that I care that much. I survived a lot of shit making people believe I didn't feel pain, that I don't bleed. What's the fun in hurting somebody who doesn't feel the pain? I was avoiding a fight. I don't fight fair extremely competitive paired with a nasty temper. I've gotten better about the temper, I use to get into fist fights. Now I just need to tame my whip of a tounge. Its a work in progress. I didn't want to hurt you unintentionally. I would never admit I didn't mean it becuase then I would "lose" the fight. Being overly competitive about the wrong things is a nasty character flaw developed as a coping mechanism to survive. I'm working on that too. We have never had a fight until now. We kinda decided to just avoid conflict at all cost. I think we were both scared of what that might look like, at least I was scared (We are extremely similar). I think current circumstances prove I was rightfully fearful. Nevertheless, I never asked for an apology. I never gave you a chance to apologize. I never gave you a chance to present your side. I never got your perspective. I was wrong. I am owed my space becuase as you see in the moment I just react I don't think things through. However, you are owed context at the least. You are owed a right to speak too. I didn't want your apology. I didn't want you to admit fault. By just leaving and coming back when I was ready I get to control the narrative. I get to be the the victim and the one who is always right. The story goes you hurt me, you never apologized, and I forgave you anyway because I love you, you hurt me again and again and again, you never once apologized, but I keep forgiving you becuase I love you. Then everyone goes you are better than this. You deserve better. Stop going back they don't care about you. They are awful. I have effectively made you the villain. I took away your ability to be redeemable. I always get to say I've never once lied to you. Up until now I got to say I've never hurt you. Even now its still my narrative. The story is: I broke up with you becuase you broke the only rule I had "don't lie", you had a tantrum, I did all I could to get you to attend and carry your responsibilities, you refused, I was asked a vaild question at time a space you were suppose to be at but weren't, I answer the question even though you weren't there because you were supposed to be and it was one of the only times we're all of us were together in person, the question was owed a response even though parts of this response had personal details it was a professional question, now you're holding this breach of trust over my head despite never owning up to all the shit you've done to me, you're being a hypocrite because you want me to admit fault and apologize when you've never once done the same for me, despite all of that I did admit fault and apologize, you continue to have a tantrum. I am still the one in the right and you're still the villian. But in all honesty by never asking anything from you and not letting you participate in reconciling my pain, I should be the one at fault. My love for always being "right" is unhealthy and unfair to you. You deserve a chance to own it and apologize. You deserve the chance to work shit out. If you want we can go over all of what I said early or we can burn it. I will burn the narrative. I will give up being right because I'm not. We can start fresh. We can agree that we will talk shit out (maybe not in the moment though). That we will make our feelings known. We will give each other the opportunity to own up to our mistakes. We will accept apologies and figure out ways to do better in the future.

I'm a bitch. I know. I'm wrong and a terrible person. You're right. But none of that matters cuz in the end everyone keeps score. At the end of the day its still 20+ mistakes on thier part and 2 on mine. Plus you get points for owning up to your faults so I would be at 0. I keep trying to get out if my head and stop having ulterior motives, but I've been manipulating people since 11 years old at least. I kinda do this in my sleep. I do it without even thinking about it. I know I'm doing it and trust me I'm trying to stop. My evil brain is just trying to protect me. Years of abuse, bullying, having to out smart everyone just to get what you need and stay safe does this to you. Its like leaning to competitively dive when you're older. A lot of it is getting your body and brain to override the safe gaurds you have to stay safe. For example an inward dive, you stand at the end of the spring board or platform. You are faceing the ladder you climbed to get up there. Then you dive in by bring your head in towards the egde of the board or platform. If you do it right you're no more than a foot away from the edge. If you look you can see the egde before you go in, don't look. Your body/brain is rightfully so convinced that you are going to hit the edge and kill yourself. So it tries to stop you. It takes a different level of control to get it to stop trying to protect you. I would know because I became a diver. You think it would have been easy for me being suicidal and all. Strangely that's not how that works. I can harm myself no problem. I cannot force my body to do dangerous things just for fun. Similarly I tried falling in a way where I would break my wrist. My body wouldn't let me. It took a lot of practice. Same thing with not manipulating people. If my brain believes it will lead to me getting hurt it finds a way to protect me, or at least finds a way hurt the person who is trying to hurt me worse than they can hurt me. I have not figure out a way to turn that off. I can warn people about it though. Which is what I have done with Lovely and Vendetta. My brain is trying to control everything to keep me safe. It never learn how to let go. It never learned to trust. It doesn't realize we are safe now.

P.S. Let's stop fight even though you hurt me

Honestly I think I've lost count of all the things you've done that hurt me. I like to believe that you didn't know you were hurting me. I think because I've always know I've had feelings for you it made it easier for you to hurt me unknowingly. From my point of view after I told you how I felt at Ostem Atlanta I have always been the one willing to confront my feelings for you. I feel like you spent a lot time pushing me away, being afraid of your feelings for me, and unwilling to admit it. I knew before you kissed me in Chicago that you really cared about me. I knew the first time I came to visit you in Boston. I think that corresponds to the first time I felt hurt. I was a little upset, probably jealous, that you had your house boy, it was Marc at the time, staying with you and snuggling with you. I wanted to snuggle you. Then maybe two weeks later when I met up with Marc in Paris he thanked me for convincing you to be with him. I felt so blindside I ran out of the bar, went to the grocery store and bought five bottles of 99 cent wine, and drank all but one of them before I left for the airport the next morning. I drank the last bottle on the train to the airport. I know that I advised you to be with Marc. I wanted you to date and be happy. You had just gotten out of a long term relationship with your ex. What I really meant was date me! How could you not tell me you took my advice? My queer friends never take my advice. I was shocked that you listened to me. I figured if we were close enough for you to take my advice we would be close enough for me to come visit you on your birthday that September. You wouldn't let me come. I didn't understand then what I know now. My heart was heavy though becuase I just wanted to be with you so you wouldn't be alone. I wanted you to know someone really cares about you. That someone being me. I got over that quickly because you convinced me to be your date to Ostem Atlanta, even though it meant coming out to my family there. But I did it then you left me for the UN. I couldn't really be mad at you becuase you were leaving to fight the good fight. I was just flustered because I had to do all that work just so I could join you. I did get to tell you how I felt and tell you that I wanted to take you to Spain for a belated birthday gift. We kept in touch to plan the trip. We even set up a time for my dad and I to come get dinner with you so we could go. Then I got cock block by Obama, thanks Obama, and you couldn't go to Spain during the dates we originally picked. I asked you if you still wanted me to come for dinner and you said "yea, its a date." I took that to mean an actual romantic date. I was so excited. Right before I got on the plane to D.C. you asked if you could bring some to dinner. I thought nothing of it because of the type of life we live. Shit happens. What you failed to mention was you were bringing your boyfriend of the time. I was so pissed. Not only did I regularly ask you if you were seeing someone, I also was encouraging you to date. How did you not mention him before? You talked about every date you went on, every notable hookup you had, and every crush. How did you forget to mention a relationship when I asked all the time!  I was so angry at you I didn't go to Creating Change Denver. I don't think I talked to you until we had to make plans for MBLGTACC at ISU. I had calmed down even though you "forgot" to get double beds. Its not that I didn't want to sleep with you. I did. I was so thirsty. I didnt want to sleep in sex that you had with other people. It was almost a perfect weekend. Then Saturday night when we had separate beds, I choose to snuggle Jules cuz you ran hotter than a radiator, you asked if you could have a snuggle buddy. Jules and I said you could if you promised not to fuck them. You pinkie promised me you wouldn't. You gave me your word. Then you did it anyway. I was hurt becuase you gave me your word then broke your promise. You didn't care how that would make me feel. You acted like it wasn't a big deal when it obviously was to me. I felt disrespected. I trusted you. I called off our spain trip and didn't talk to you till later that year at Market Days. Things were finally okay for awhile. I had settled into the fact that we would just be friends becuase everytime I tried to love you, you pushed me away. Then at Creating Change Chicago you kissed me. You kissed me like it was the most normal thing, like it's something we have been doing forever. What the actual fuck!? I was sent into a tail spin. God! You can't just keep playing with me emotionally. Two years after I told you I had feelings for you, you finally admitted to, something everyone around us could see, having feelings for me too at, MBLGTACC Indiana (at dairy queen and all I could do was eat my blizzard cuz I was speechless). I was never so happy and hopeful. Even though it hard becuase neither of our partners at the time wanted us to be together I cherished our time togther. I took an intership in DC to be closer to you but that was a really hard summer. I left D.C in July and went to treatment in August. You were one of the only people I told I was doing this. You and my best friend knew before everyone else, even my family. Writing to you while I was there was extremely helpful. Your support was crucial, thank you for being there for me. Sex Down South October was the most fun I've ever had with you at a conference. We got so drunk. You told me you were going to purpose to Kevin in two years. I wasn't surprised if would have asked me who the married I would have said Kevin. It was a change to our orginal plan but it was a nessacry adjustment. I didn't really care as long as I got to be the mother of your kids. We would still be a family. In the moment though it was a bit much to swallow, no matter how logical. Then in November tried to break up with me. What the hell!? What happened in a month? I was relieved I didn't have to see you at Creating Change Philly. When we finally did talk at MBLGTACC Chicago I could see you still loved me, you just couldn't fight about me with Kevin any more. I understood because Jay was giving me hell too. So we'll take a break we said. You also said during our workshop you were going purpose to Kevin that year. Why don't you tell me these things beforehand? I hate being blindsided. Instead of visiting every month you gave me my first birthday present. You wrote me letters. Things were okay. I couldn't bear to watch you purpose to Kevin without my help. If I could have helped I would have been able to cope. Again not mad or jealous that you were marrying Kevin I just wasn't emotionally ready. I needed a way to cope. Since you didn't want my help I ran away to NYC so I could get drunk and cry about it with friends. In June on my way to world pride our conversation and how fucked up it was didn't really hit me until I got back. I planned to talk you about why being mad that Black Lives Matter shutting down Pride and complaning about it to me a black person was super fucked up. Black Lives Matter had every right to shut down Pride in D.C. I marched in it the year before as one of the only people of color in the parade not there for eye candy. I looked at the people watching and it was mostly white people. In 2016 while I was marching I thought that was strange because D.C.'s Queer scene is dominated by Black Queers followed by Brown Queers. Why weren't they represented? Why was everything white washed? In D.C. a lot of the radical queers on the front lines of change, meeting people where they are, doing direct service, and fighting are Queers of Color and they're doing it with little to no resources. How could you not see that? Then of all people to complain about Black Lives Matter extremely effective protest you choose me, a black person! How did that make sense to you? But I didn't get to tell you b any of this because in July before I came for my visit I got your letter basically saying you didn't love me anymore. I believe the letter I sent you before you sent that one asked you to stop lying to me. If you're not going to tell me the truth then say nothing or say you don't want to talk about it, but do not lie to me anymore. You lied. You planned three different dates for us while I was there. You never planned dates before. I didn't even have to ask you if you loved me. I knew you did. Why lie? Why lie about that of all things? I had one rule and you broke it. So I ended things. I was done with you toying with my feelings, with you running away from your own feelings, and not valuing me or my love. Yet when you visited in August you acted like we were still togther. You even caught up on your letters at the beginning of September. I was going to come to your 30th birthday. I did really want to be there but it was probably for the best that I ended up in the hospital.  You sent me another letter at the beginning of October. That made 4 letters I hadn't responded to. I finally found the words to write back to you at the October reminding you that we were over. That's when you told everyone you wouldn't be at Creating Change D.C. To me you were running away from me and taking it out on everyone else. You don't just forget what the dates for Creating Change are. You had known for a year. Aug, Sep, and Oct, we talked about plans to arrive at Creating Change on Wed. instead of Thurs.  to get together for dinner at your place . We litteraly talked about having the play party at your place two weeks before you ran away from me. I tried to get to to come to our workshop. I went to the Ostem conference in Chicago to get you to stop having what I had deemed a tantrum. You were suppose to be with us in D.C. I get not wanting to see me at Creating Change D.C. because I did the same thing in Denver. The difference though was the plans in Denver didn't hinge on my attendance. Resentment grew not because I felt you were avoiding me, but that you were willing to let everyone down to avoid me. I'm probably forgetting something, but I think that's all the major stuff. I also felt like I was always coming back to you after you hurt me. Giving you another chance. You said "life keeps putting us back together..." Its not her Devineness always putting us back together, it was me. I just stopped. I know you've never heard me say I'm angry with you about XYZ. I always just stop talking to you and took space. I never asked for an apology because I didn't want to fight about it after I was over it. I had forgiven you for it. I didn't forget as you can see and sometimes I brought things up to remind you not to fuck up in the same way as you had already. Generally, I think I let my anger/pain die. Never asking for you to own up to any of it. Never telling you how you made me feel. I would just disappear and come back when I felt better.

We are all caught up on Amoriartii drama. From the beginning to now, that's all of it. A lot of stuffed happened. I hadva lot of opportunities to walk away but I never did. I still wanted to be in their life. I still wanted them in mine.

P.S. Let's stop fighting intro

So I'm sending this knowing I'm suppose to be giving you space. This is not meant to violate that. I am just so angry with you personally and professionally. Ideally we would be able to keep the two separate but from my point of view that hasn't been working. So I sent this as an attempt to deal with the personal. I hope by the time you decide to watch this I haven't gone past the point of no return. The first conference we went to together, 2014 in Houston, I told you about a terrible fight I just had the boy I was in love with. I had been head over heels for him for about a year. I didn't want to love him so I pushed him away and that led to us fighting. I said something so mean that I knew would destroy him and I definitely crossed the line. It took me a two years to regret what I said. We just made up last year in August and currently meet online once every two weeks or so to play a video game together. I am just now starting to rebuild that friendship. I don't want to get to the point of no return with you because we've been friends for 4 years now and it will take me a lot longer to swallow my pride and regret hurting you. It has taken so much energy for me not to come for your head. I think this is the first time we have been in direct conflict. If it was up to me I would have gone straight for your jugular to hurt you as much as possible for as long as possible. I want to hurt you. When I think about what I just said it blows my mind. To think in a matter if months you went from the person I trusted the most to to doubting your motives constantly. I use to be able to talk to you about everything and anything. In the past even if I was upset with you I made sure that you knew I still loved you. If anything serious was happening with me while I was upset with you I'd let you know. You use to do the same. The understanding was I may not like you right now but I still love you. I loved that. If anything were to happen to me before I forgave you, you would know that I still love you no matter what. When I broke up with you, I had every intention of still being your person. The one who understands you without you needing to explain. The one you know you can trust and come to for anything. We had such a special understanding of each other it was surreal sometimes. I don't know how we got here but I don't like it. I don't want to be here. I have been seeing this new temporary therapist, a black possibly some type of queer man. I've been putting him through the paces as I do. He's better than I thought he would be. I've never had male doctors I've herd too many horror stories from my friends. He's actually helpful though. He's been helping me resovle conflict with my mother and I think the same things he's having me do with her are applicable here.  I've made some notes on my phone so you'll see me glancing at it every once in awhile to make sure I stay on topic. Also the music is intentional. My therapist keeps telling me to stop being petty but it makes me feel better. Sorry not sorry. This is an Olive Branch, not an apology. I am willing to adimt I have hurt you. I am willing to admit I am at fault for somethings. I'm willing to admit I have never been good at communication. I am willing to admit that it was easier for me to take the high road and paint myself as the victim who was always right then to work shit out. I'm willing to admit that I've been more than a little defensive and in attack mode recently. I am willing to admit that it has given me pleasure to think about how I could be hurting you. I am willing to admit that I have been plotting your downfall. I'm not ready to apologize for any of that. I'll explain later. I'm going to do this in segments. I am going to talk about how you've hurt me first. I hate bringing up old shit but my therapist says it's necessary because I never healed from it even though I forgave you. I am going to talk about how I was wrong. I am going to talk about how I think I've hurt you. Other than the conversation that happened in January you've never vocalize to me how I've hurt you. I can only speculate. I'm going to try to see things from your point of view. I really want to stop fighting. I would normally write you. It is easy for me to hide behind neutral language and always be able to say that you misinterpreted what I wrote. I can't hide this way. You can hear my tone, see my face, and watch my body language change. I am stepping out to be vulnerable unsure if you will use this against me. Unsure if you will use this to try to manipulate me. Unsure if you even care that I am trying. I want to be the person who gets you without words. The person you trust.  The person you dance down the street with. The person who helps you with your wedding. However, if you burn this Olive branch you burn all future opportunities of any type of friendship or more with me. Respond using whatever medium you would like when you're ready there's no rush. I'm honoring your space.

This is the intro to a video letter I'm sending to Amoriartii. We have been fighting since January and its gotten pretty bad. I am attempting to try to end it.

P.S. I won't say it

I've been waiting for a while for this moment with you. I didn't think I would get here. I never thought you would feel the same way. I thought you were preoccupied with someone else. I remember giving up and walking away. Then you came up to me and said "ask me out again." Its been painstakingly slow. I've spent days banging my head against the wall trying to be patient. Nights longing to be with you, lusting after you, dreaming about you. Trying to play it cool take it slow. But it was all worth it. Getting to spend my birthday with you Sunday was way more than I hoped for. That Monday will go down as the best Monday in history. I woke up next you. I got to fall asleep and wake up next to you. I have never been so happy with someone. I left thinking, GOD! This Must be love. I wanted nothing more then to tell you I've head over heals about you. I so serious about this. I want you to be happy, so continue to do you, but this isn't just a fling to me. I want to grow with you. I want to see you succeed. I want to help you and support you in that endeavor. I want to be with you for the foreseeable future. I want you to be happy. I will do whatever I can to facilitate that. I want you to feel safe with me. I want to be worthy of your trust. I want you to know I trust you. I may not always act like it, that's just because I don't always have the words for what I'm trying to say. I want to be here for it all, not just good, but the shit too (especially when its hard). I want to keep trying, learning, and working at this. I know we're poly so I know there are other people in your life. There are only two other people who are important to me like this that aren't family, my best friend husband #7, and my Play Partner Lovely.  Neither of those relationships are romantic or sexual. I'm still poly but I'm not looking for more at the moment. If it happens I'm not going to ignore it, but I'm not actively seeking some else at the moment. When I do it will probably be my away partner (someone who doesn't live here who I see every 4 months at least). I'm kinda focused on this and satisfied at the moment. I am so happy with you. I am completely in love with you Vendetta. You have my heart.

I am not sending/saying this to her becuase she doesn't consider our relationship as serious. I thought we were in a romantic partnership. According to her we are in an open romantic relationship its just not that serious cuz she doesn't trust me. I found this out on Tuesday and I've been kinda heartbroken about it. I didn't really talk to her Tuesday because I was hurt. After all of this still not there. I've been trying so hard. I know her love isn't a prize to win. I'm just disheartened.

P.S It's finally over

Trigger warning:
Suicide

Content warning:
Suididal ideation

Dear J Skittles (age 7-21),

I am writing this letter to us because I couldn't think of anyone I would send a letter like this to. I know that sounds sad that at in my twenties I don't have people to say goodbye to. That's not true though. I had plenty of people to say goodbye to. I Said most of my goodbyes in person. Of course they didn't know but I tried my best to get everyone to resolve anything that they have been holding back. I had a last super of sorts with all my siblings. I sent gifts to people who I said goodbye to but they are going to take this particularly hard.

I want you all to know we lived one heck of a life. We didn't finish our degree but we did start our research on the application of Nano tech in defense. Raytheon, our dream job, bought our research. All of our mentees are doing amazing. We started a non for profit and it has really taken off. We have traveled quite a bit. We went to Mardi Gras. We created a list of GSAs/QSAs in Chicago so that there can be more opportunities for Queer youth. I spent a lot of time really thinking about the life we've lead. I combed through it best I could. We've made mistakes, we let fear get the best of us, we've let pride get in our way, and we've been stubborn. We've loved fearlessly at times and haphazardly the rest of the time, we've been loyal, we've been a great friend, we've been a great mentor and teacher, we've been courageous, we've been bold, we've supported people/ organizations/ movements/ communities, and we've carried ourselves well. We made up with Gordic. We didn't lose Amoriartii, we're just changing. I can't think of anything we've done in our life that I regret now. I think my only regret is I won't get to be there for my closest cousin E. He's 5. He won't know me or remember me. I made a series of videos for him during the summer that I spent with him so that hopefully he will know that I loved him so much.

We are leaving lots of loved ones behind. Our Aunt C, Unlce J, and Cousin Lorn have become our substitute parents. We talk to them more than our actual parents. Our Fairy God Parents are living thier best lives. They make time for us if we ask but they don't check in like they use to. Mom, my dad's wife, my step dad, and Dad are all good health. They are going to hate themselves for not being able to do more but I wrote them something that hopefully makes it easier. Husband #7 is also doing very well. He moved and codes for a living, the pay is excellent. He's really happy. The siblings are all well. Our favorite might be getting married soon. Of course we are leaving behing our Chicago harem of mistresses and husbands. We are leaving our devoted followers of UIUC, Our international Queers, the sterotypical "good gays" of the west coast, our east coast gays, our black and brown babes, and my Space Federation of Genders. More importantly I'm NOT leaving any partners or dependats of any kind behind.

I'm in Brazil. Carnival has just come to a close and the city is returning to normal. Carnival was life changing. The pure joy that takes place during the festival is my second favorite thing about it. My first would be camaraderie, bonding, and love between complete strangers. At carnival if you avoid the tourist crap and go be with the locals you'll find what I'm talking about. During Carnival with them everyone is welcome and we are all one.  This country is so beautiful. The food is everything and more. I've been into the rainforest, what's left of it anyway. Despite humans being awful, the forest is so alive. The rainforest is its own city of animals, plants, and a few indigenous people. There is nothing more natural on land that is better than this. I climbed a tree! I took a canoe down part of the Amazon River. There is so much going on in the waters. I'm not brave enough to swim in it but it is incredibly what you can see just from the surface. The main beaches are always crowed. The lesser known beaches are breath taking. I can smell the salt in the air as soon as I get close. Night walks by the water are things right out of our dreams. The cities are remarkable. I've been to Sõa Paulo and Rio. The suburan and rural of Brazil are also picturesque. I've seen the slums. It is heartbreaking. The people are still so friendly. From a far the slums are aesthetically visually pleasing. However, when you're actually in them its different. Its still quite a sight but your are more aware. Its hard to decribe, from a far its pretty, when your inside there is a humbling and draws the humanity out of you.

I'm still in Brazil, on a cliff over looking the water. We've accomplished thighs we've never dreamed of, never knew existed, never thought we could, and worked hard for. I wanted to graduated and work my dream job, but we didn't get that far. I wanted to have more dogs we won't get that far either. We made it this far, and I for 1 think that's an accomplishment given the circumstances. We are living our dream. I am not afriad, not that I thought I would be. I am at peace for the first time in a long time. I am more than satisfied with the life we've lead and this has been a wondeful final chapter. Our suffering is over. Our pain is over. We will no longer be crushed by other's expectation for us. We will no longer be killing ourselves to try and meet our own unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
Free at last,

J Skittles 202?

This is a letter I will never send because time travel doesn't exist yet. It doesn't look like it will exist by 2030 either. This is why I haven't been to Brazil yet. It is the last place I want to go before I die. I want to die there. That has been the plan since I did a report on Brazil in grade school. Its hard to explain my suicidal ideation. I always want to die. The feeling just varies in intensity. The intent on actually carrying out a plan varies as well. I currently have no intent on going through with this during the '20s. Thus second reason I can't send this letter. Now wanting to die is also different than wanting to kill myself. If we did this on a scale from 1 (little to no desire) to 10 (extreme desire probably all I think about) the break down would go as follows:
Desire to die: 8
Desire to kill myself: 1
Intent on carrying out a plan to commit suicide: 1

That basically means I have little regaurd for my life and won't think twice about engaging in most risky behavior. But I'm leaving it up to chance. I'm not actively seeking out danger, I just don't run from it. I'm not planning to die so I can't send this letter. I'm just wishfully hoping.

P.S.: Rescue Romance

Isn't she Lovely

Please don't hate me,

I know you know what I'm about to say. You have been ingoring and I've been denying it. We have talked around it. Had two fights about it now. I'm really at a lost of what to do. I don't want to ruin a good thing. Believe me when I say I don't want things to change. Between you trying to kill me and my slight aggravation with your stubbornness I know where we are works. (Don't get me wrong I love that you're a brat, but it wouldn't work for me in a romantic setting.) Any more would end badly, we both agree. Not telling you and pretending not to care when I really do just isn't working.

I know how difficult this is on you already. I see it in how you approach our friendship. I see you struggle between being supportive/loving and feeding my feelings. I'm sorry I stress you so much. Cracking underneath it all at CC and needing you to help me keep it together as much as possible is just as much of a challenge. It just adds one more layer of complication. I have put you in a position where you are always saving me. I said I was going to stop running to you when I fell apart. I did, a little bit. After every traumatic thing that happens in my love life I stopped getting on a plane to see you. I still virtually run to you everytime I break, and you're there. You put me back together, everytime. Every romantic hiccup and every KU drama, its not fair to you. So whatever you want to do I respect.

I just want to stop fighting. I've done this before. I fell for my chem tutor hard, after he was done being my tutor and starting being my friend. I realised how gone I was one night when we got drunk. I ran, I pushed him away, and I avoided him like the black death without explanation. When he could find me he would ask me where I'd been and ask me to spend time. I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want things to change. I went from seeing him everyday at least once to maybe responding to one text or Facebook message a week. He got upset, rightfully so. We started fighting. I didn't want to fight. He started to push my buttons. Initially I was just sad and in love with him but when he started to push it hurt. I don't respond well to being hurt. So I fought back, but when I fight I come for blood and don't leave till you're dead. I went too far. I didn't have to avoid him anymore because he stopped talking to me. I was too proud to say sorry for too long. I lost my first and closest friend I made at college. I can't exactly avoid you, I work with you. I could find another play partner but it would be inconvenient and slightly more difficult than I would like. I would still be losing a friend and that part hurts the most.

You get the darkness in me and you're not scared of it, you don't condemn it. I don't show you that side of me much but when I have you don't flinch. I have two people who know me better than everyone else. They both know that part of me is there but one condemns me and the other avoids it. You're the only one who might get it. I can live so many of my feelings with you. You, Z, and Husband #7 are the only people who have seen me cry outside of family. I can be everything from suicidal to homicidal with you. You are so important to me. You give me permission to be myself honestly, with one exception. I cannot love you.

I love you Lovely. I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't. I have tried not to. I knew from the beginning of our friendship that romance was off limits. We have rules against it. Rules I've been breaking for at least a year and half. You knew too. As long as I didn't force the issue you were just going to let me keep breaking the rules. But I have to force the issue. I want to save this, not watch it die slowly. Piece by piece, every time you hurt me and I over react, every time you pull back, every time I walk away, every time I lie saying I'm fine, every time you go along with the lie even though you know, and every fight getting bigger each time.  I don't want to just drift apart until we completely disappear from each other's life. So I need to tell you I love you.

If you don't hate me, don't want to lose me as a friend, or want to maybe try to make our friendship work then I have a partial plan. Me having feelings means its a lot easier for you to hurt me. I take your words to heart, your opinion is super important,  and I am going to over analyze all of your actions. I will help you not hurt me. I will commincate and try to warn you as best I can. I need you to listen to me. You already know how to get me out head. Just remind me constantly that we are friends and I am an important person to you plantonically. You have to use the word platonic every time, it is very important. Say what you mean and be as clear as possible. I will do the same. Ambiguity is not our friend. I still would like snuggles if that's okay. Please try not to shut me out. I will feel like this is too much for you and run. I am here for what ever you need me to do too. The more we stay the same in our actions towards each other the easier this will be. I'm so scared of change and loosing people. Communication is key. We have talked about everything but this and its always worked out. I think its possible. Do you?
With remorse and a lot of distress,

J Skittles

I can't tell Lovely right now, its really bad timing. Two members of the board are already extremely concerned with my personal relationships that I have with every board member, this would not help.  The same two board members say there's nepotism the executive dealings. With Lovely being my Assistant Director it would be more fuel for thier fire. Lovely is also pulling away from me lately. They have known for a while but maybe it is finally bothering them. I don't know. I just don't want to give them a reason to run. Not yet. I will tell them in end of August if things settle down. That will give them a decent amount of time to think before I could see them again. Also if they decide not to see me and end things, I don't have to see them until January. I definitely meant the part where I say  they're very important person to me. It breaks my heart thinking about losing my friend. I have already had enough of that this year and its just February.

P.S.: Which 4 letter word

I don't know which greeting to even use to start this email.  Do I use "hello", "hi", or "greetings"? Are we that friendly? We haven't talked in a while so do I put myself out there and extend the olive branch "missed you", "sorry we haven't talked in a while", or "how have you been"?  We still have a business relationship so do I adress you by one of your many titles, Mx., "Dear", or just your first name? I am writting you because I have a lot to say. I don't even know where to start.

I want to rebuild. No, I want to tear what we had down. Everyone keeps telling me it was\is toxic. That you are toxic. At first I didn't believe them, I was blinded by my love for you. Then a few to many heart aches later, I didn't want them to be right. We look at each other and I wonder if we actually see the other person? I didn't. I don't know if I can look at you without also me? I see so much of myself in you. So when they say you're poison, that means I'm poison too. I couldn't find a way to seprate you from myself. Then after you ran away from me a few more times, I was confused. How could I stand here, vulnerable, open, but standing my ground and you couldn't? I started to see all the "differences" between us. When you were scared I was brave. When I stood strong you ran because I saw you as weak. I the divide was very apparent when you were mad about black lives matter shutting down pride. I accepted my feelings and you tried to hide, down play, kill, and supress yours (unsuccessfully). You settled into suburban white picket fence gay hetero normative cis domesticated life. I started to listen to my friends, even through they don't know you. They don't understand you and they are very bais against you. I listened to them even through they didn't know me like you do. It got easier and easier to just blame you. To say you were the one at fault and I was the righteous one. It got so easy to be the loving martyr, the person who didn't know how to stop loving, the one who never ran out of forgiveness, and the one who saw redemption in you when everyone else just wrote you off as a lost cause. To everyone else I was hopelessly trying to save someone who would always take advantage of my kindness. You were the monster. We had enough history, and everyone could see you love me when you look at me. Everyone, even those closest to you believed me when I told them. I told every boyfriend I met, except the current one. They all sided with me. I told them its not your fault, you were really a great person, and that they were lucky to have you. You just couldn't love me back. What a fairy tale monster they began to see. Misinterpreting my therapist is what really did it though. She said I was better than you. I deserved better than you. I told my best friend and asked him who's better. "If I'm too good for them, than who's better? Gandhi? The Dali Lama? Obama? I think Michelle would be upset with me." He said "Break up with them and find out. Steer clear of Obama though, I've seen Diaries of a Mad Black Woman." That was the last straw. I flew to break up with you. I had to always be the one who was right, and one breaks up with people in person.

One thing I didn't think of until you ran away from after we broke up, was that I'm toxic too. You left your home, your responsibilities, and an event you loved, just to avoid seeing me for 5 days. I didn't see it at first, who bales on CC last minute? Why? Then I remembered, I'd already done that, Denver. I know what you're feeling. I've felt that. I have lied to you about my life, just in different ways. I still don't trust you after all these years. I don't communicate either. I stay angry for months, all you get is radio silence. Then I come back like I haven't just shut you out and everything is fine. I could just tell you I'm upset just like you could just tell me you love me. But we don't, we pull away, we run. We are broken and sometimes we hurt each other with our sharp edges. I was so caught up in being the winner, the good one, that I never thought about how I was hurting you. So wrapped up in my pian I didn't see that I have hurt you. I didn't even see the pain until now. I have never apologized for all that. Despite the pain, when I was done, you were the one to have faith.

We were making progress. The distance, whether we like it or not, was and still is probably the best part of our relationship. It allows us to heal and think. We both hate confrontation, but hate being shut out even more. If we lived closer to each other their would be a lot less confrontation and in the lot more avoidance. The distances gives us the ability to justify when we shut each other out. The distance meant I couldn't just come over and talk to you, not that I would have. It meant we had to sit down, compose our thoughts, and then write them out. We didn't really say things we didn't mean in our writing. We were slow about it. We were slow about everything, that is also a good thing, now that I look back. We built up trust, something neither of us give lightly. I felt like every time we trusted each other a little more, we were really giving each other more rope to hang ourselves with. Hang myself I did. We were in each others mind. We both know, walls can keep most out, but we are engineers. There are few feats we cannot conquer. Walls are child's play for us. We both though made fortresses in our minds. We thought we were impenetrable. Great minds think alike, but fools rarely differ. Where we so smart we came to the same conclusions or so complacent with our pain that we adhere to the same rules? Anywho, you already know how to get into something you've already built. We never pushed though. The understanding that we would come around in our own time was mutual. When we caught the other in a lie we just went along with it, like we didn't know it was a lie. We didn't always know the exact truth, or why the other lied but we never forced the issue. I loved having that faith. That even though you have a key, you will wait for me to invite you in. We also started saying more of what needed to be said. We stopped watching idely, we were always there for emotional support, waiting to be called on. We started saying the hard truths. We knew what action would be easy to take, but we also knew which one was right, no based on one's specific selfish gaols, but based on the others long term motivations. Even if it would not bring me closer to you, if you thought it severed my long plan, Amoriartii, you would tell me what I needed to do. I did the same for you, even when I know you didn't want me to. When we burn it all down, I want to salvage the good things.

If we can't salavage the good after its all been wiped clean, then I want to build better. We need to heal. We need to heal separately. I know second chances really don't exist. Life's not a video game, you can't just start over. We carry our history with us. But instead of a uhaul can we try only bringing a small carry on back to this. I'm not trying to minimise our history but I don't want to drown in it either. In a perfect world, our history is reformed as lessons "textbooks" we take with us and can look through when we are trying to find answers to current problems. I need to learn to trust, not lash out (or run away) when I'm hurt, to communicate, not to take out my pain on others, to forgive, let go, to see you for you, and to listen even when I don't like what's being said. I can't force my process or yours. I've been learning patience believe it or not. Though I'm not completely competent in it yet, I'll be here. I have no clue what life has in store for us. I don't know if you still want me in your life. Someone once said " We're like fusion and fission. Life keeps pulling us apart and putting us back togther..." At somepoint we have to stabilize right? I hope that we end up in one another's life somehow. I don't make promises I can't keep, you know how I feel about promises. I promise I won't give up faith unless you ask me to.
XOXOXOXO

J Skittles

I can't send this letter because Amoriartii asked for space. I have to honor that. Also this doesn't really address any of the messed up things they did like complaining to me, a Black person, that Black Lives Matter completely ended the pride parade in their city. A city where the Queer POC population is overwhelmingly the majority, yet the parade itself is 90% White. They have been complaining about another board member owing the money from 2016. The board member in debt is the poorest person on the board and lives below the poverty line. Amoriartii has 2 full time jobs and isn't hurtting for money at all. Finally, what brought me to break up with them, excluding all the external factors, they lied. I made one rule: don't lie to me I'd rather have you say nothing then lie. They lied about being in love with me. They said they weren't and they are. I don't lie either I evade or not answer but I didn't lie. So do we hate each other?  Probably not. Do we love each other? I'm not sure. Is there pain here? Absolutely. Is there joy, bliss, happiness, and glee here. There use to be but it's been a long time! Does the joy out way the pain? I pray to God it does.