Skittles: Where is the pain of heartbreak?

I am mourning the death of my relationship with Amoriartii. It is over. We're not friends, lovers, or even acquaintances. That is the hardest part for me not even being friends. I feel like I lost part of myself that I really liked because we were so similar. I had so much to say. I was/am so sorry. I wanted to apologize. I still will but I want to wait a bit. God, I loved them. I still do. It's a different love, or it will be. I'm not okay but I'm not in pain. This doesn't hurt and I'm very suspicious. I keep waiting for it to hurt. I honestly believe this will be the most excruciating break up I've ever or will ever have. I've only ever known the end of love to be painful. I'm sad. I miss them. There's definitely a longing but not really any pain. There wasn't a big fight, it didn't go up in a explosion of flames, nor did it crash and burn. It was more like a coma were there brain is still very much active. My subconscious was figuring things out. Then out of nowhere, quietly but suddenly, death. After we stopped talking for a year it was always going to end this way. But I thought it would be agonizing. I thought there would be anger, harsh words, the heat of the moment, a fight, tears, and maybe some yelling. But it was none of that. Just a sudden end. Like if I were to just stop right here in the middle of this post but with less obvious build up. So, I'm sad and I cry a lot. Not many people understand and no amount of explanation helps. We had a love people had to see to believe. I don't have a lot of people in my life who get that I just spend some of my time crying about this. As far as handling the end of this relationship I'm having very specific challenges. I don't really struggle with not stalking Amoriartii on Facebook. I also don't try to contact them. I conquered all of those vices while we were still together. I don't re-read letters or emails. I don't keep looking at our photos together. We still work together so I see them, very rarely through. I am trying to avoid them but I'm also self-sabotaging. I struggle because I'm a creature of habit. There are specific times during the year where we would absolutely see each other. Twice in the summer, once in the fall, and once in the winter. I first summer meetup just passed and it was difficult. Doing something different on purpose is a reminder in itself. I pretend to be happy, while really being miserable. I also worked an event which was mind-numbingly repetitive. Though due to the simplicity of the work I could spend most of my time actually sitting in my feelings. I could feel, not have to hide my emotions, and not talk to anyone. That event helped. I think work is going to be how I get through the summer. Work so my emotions can pervade through my entire being.

P.S. for Felix

Dear Felix

I have willed my letters and everything I've ever written about Amoriartii to them. Don't give them to them yet. They will just throw them away. But I know in time they will miss me and want something to remember me fondly. Please give them to them only when you're sure they aren't angry or sad any more. It will probably take a few years. But when they miss me. Then give them to Amoriartii.

I also have charge you with a task in my will and final testament. Love Amoriartii more now than you ever have. Please do this for me. Grow your love for them everyday. When you don't want to and you're ready to give up, love them. Love them past the end of time because I can't. I tried.

If I could have stayed alive on the sheer power of love I have for Amoriartii, you, and rest of my people I would still be alive. But life doesn't work that way and I was unable to find my way out of the darkness. I've been battling this demon since I was 7 years old and I could not fight anymore. The want to die has been part of my life longer than I've been queer. I couldn't keep fighting with myself. It is with a heavy heart that I made this choice. I didn't want to hurt all of the people I love so much. I didn't want to write this. But I felt the least I could do was tell everyone that I loved that there was nothing you could have done. There were no signs for you to see. There were no cries for help. I've been in therapy all my life with many different people. I've tried endless combinations of prescriptions. I've been hospitalized. I've been to residential treatment. I couldn't imagine living in a hospital or residential facility for even year. It's all about quality of life. I've been where I wanted to go. I've seen what I wanted to see. I've lived well despite it all. I've made friends with some of the best people I had the privilege to meet. It was time for me.

I won't say I will never send this. I just know at the moment. I won't be sending this. For the past 5 years of my life my Will has been the same: money for these people and causes, stuff goes to a few certain people, sell and donate things, a few specific letters if I killed myself or otherwise died, orders for my company, a post about the fact that I have died, and passwords so my best friend can deactivate all my accounts. I have a generic note written to whom ever I'm dating. I have a letter to my bestfriend. I have a letter to my board. I had a letter and things for Amoriartii. After this January I revised my Will. I added three people to give things to and completely removed Amoriartii. I copied the letter into my online folder of Amoriartii memories then burned the physical copy. Upon my death my bestfriend is the to transfer this file and all of its contents to Amoriartii's spouse (who is currently Felix). Along with the instructors to give them to Amoriartii when they are ready.

Skitt: Text stories with my boyfriend

Intro

My boyfriend and I have been writing a story via text message. I'll make a joke and he'll run with it. For example if  He says I man I would like to surf today. I would say yeah dude the waves were trash today nothing like the gnarly rides of Saturday. That would start a story based on the premise we're both surfers. So far we've written 2 stories. I'm going to flush then out, add to them, and publish them here.

Daily struggles

As a queer activist I'm against capitalism. Especially capitalism profiting off the queer community while doing nothing to better or funding candidates/ lobbying for bill &l aws  that hurt queer people. But all the rainbow clothing, shoes, and accessories are super cute.

Skittles: Avoiding God

As an agnostic I enjoy going to church, temple, and mosque to learn what not to do. I like to hear about people that God basically send on a quest or gives a challenge. God usually choose people anyone else would deem unworthy. He talks to them what would seemingly be a mundane situation. So if I live an extraordinary life and am a righteous person I should be be able to avoid abrahamic God, if that particular God exist.

#RelentlesslyQueer Misconceptions: Part 6

The children. Think of the children. It's always to protect the children. Children are sick and tired of being the scapegoat for your hate and bullshit. They are young and they are coming for all of us.

"The Gay Agenda is to convert the children!" Really? I didn't get that memo. I feel left out. Also when did we all get together and actually get something done. We are good at coming together and partying but not passing referendums. As a whole we disagree about almost everything, white after labor day, acceptable Grindr etiquette, if we actually like Brittney, Gaga vs. Beyonce, what time brunch starts, ect. We're like Congress but better dress and less corruption. We get about as much done as Congress, have about the same amount of sex (and sex scandals), miss use money, and there's a disproportionate amount of men. Any way please see the picture for what I was led to believe we had agreed was The Gay Agenda. To be serious is a worldwide push to ban conversion therapy for minors (read about how bad conversion therapy is here).

Generally we are not trying to change people (unless they are pedophiles racist sexist,ect). We want everyone to be able to live as authentically as possible. We are not making the youth queerer. What is happening is Young folks are beginning to engage in conversation about the status quo. Asking why they had to go along with it. Barriers that existed before, are being broken down. Societies gender roles are being questioned, flipped, or even completely ignored what it means to the youth to be a male is not the same as what it what it wants meant to be a male to baby boomers. Quee asked people "why?"  and society didn't have a good reason. Queer and feminist said "men can express and have just as many emotions as women." Society said "Real men don't cry." Queer people and feminist said "Why? Do men not have operational tear ducts? Do not experience sadness? Do men not know what it is to be so overjoyed? Do men never get so frustrated?" Queer people asked the right questions and didn't get any good answers. So the youth decided they didn't have to do things the same way if there's no good reason or methodology behind it. Somebody under 20 lives a drastically different life than someone over 50. I'm going to show some of  their life using real facts just to show you how drastically different their lives were.

**** Side note ****

Papillon was born 1969 Friday January the 3rd live a short time before the first man landed on the moon July 1969. Papillon had to use the home phone to call friends but it was cordless (1977). When he was 14  (disputed but I'm going with 1983) the internet was invented but it took forever to get porn that way still. At sixteen you could have got a car or a cell phone (which were still ugly  4/13/1973). But in 2002 you could send pictures on phones to and from your friends!!!

Tervuren was born in 2000 November 12.
Right in tine to watch the first occupants of the space station arrive to the space station '00. Wikipedia comes into existence '01 hopefully that helps with all the parenting. Tragedy strikes where both twin towers fell on 9/11/01 and America invades Muslim countries. The Euro '02. We cloned a dreer!!!! '03 Facebook '04. We can put Tervuren down to watch YouTube 0'5
Civil Partnership Act '05 in state by tate bases just in case he's gay. Google become household name '06. At 7 years only he breaks his mom's first iPhone '07 OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  2008 Mapped 98% of Mercury '09 project to sail in space unveiled '10 WE GOT 'EM Seal Team 6 '11. Mayan calendar ends '12.
Look at all the that didn't exist in 69
Instagram: October 6, 2010
Snapchat: September 16, 2011
Amazon: July 5, 1994
Google: September 4, 1998
Twitter: March 21, 2006
Apple: April,1, 1976
Uber: March 2009
Lyft: June 2012

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With the current rate that the world is changing and evolving we are having to adopt quicker and quicker and quicker. I think that at least 45% of the jobs that people in high school will be doing when they are 25 haven't been invented yet. We are changing so quickly and so rapidly by our own hand. I think that change is forcing some of these conversations is forcing some of these questions you normally wouldn't hear. I think they should be answered honestly and with an open mind on both parts. I think that's why it seems like the queer community has a specific agenda for children. We do not have one. However, most of the time we are willing to listen to the young person and treat them with respect.