Skittles: wine night

I do this thing with a couple of friends. We plan out a night to have some one on one on three time.  Its me a close friend and a 3 bottles of wine or a handle of hard liquor. Before we go to sleep we must to the best of our ability drink it all. Now my liver hates me for this.  And I will probably need a new liver before I turn 30. But health consequences and potential for alcoholism aside it is a great thing. No two nights are the same. It's a great stress relief. It leaves me feeling good for the most part. My stomach always feels like I've put it through a blender but except for that I always feel good.  Last night's wine night was with Gypsy Warrior. We listened to music, sang,  and spilled T. I feel like I lose myself to the night. Give in to letting go and it is the time I'm most present. I shirk responsibilities because I need time for myself. I plan these way in advance and I don't let other things come in the way of my bonding time.  That's what I really think it is I think that I self-care and get to bond with somebody in a way that I don't normally get to do in social setting. Wine nights are intimate and personal. Something we don't make enough time for now a days. One of the prerequisites of wine night is honesty and vulnerability. You have to put yourself out there talk about what has really been on your mind. The good part is you're talking to someone you trust and you know loves you. A wine night consist of two people who have a loving strong trusting relationship and booze. It's not easy to open up no matter how much you know the person. Often times you know that they will react positively it's still hard to say. That's where the alcohol comes in.  It's hard to drink with closed lips. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and boost your confidence which is sometimes all you need to get stuff of your chest.  Trust me after a month my chest feels heavy and after wine night I feel light and understood. I would recommend that everybody find a variation of wine night.  Maybe something healthier, you come over and eat vegetables together.  Being able to care for yourself with the support of someone else is amazing. Then you get to turn around and support someone you love.  Both indescribable great feelings. The last component of wine night is sleeping over.  Wine night means mandatory cuddling and spooning when you inevitably pass out. Its a great way to spend a night in with a friend that has high personal yield. Treat yourself to a wine night.

Skittles: Midas Touch

Slowly turning everyone in my life queer and polyamorous.

Skittles: I've been living in my emotions.

Since I found out I am not the one Amoriartii wishes to wed I've been stuck. I'm in between excited joy and utter despair. The love that they have for Felix and I is inspiring. It's so bright it's consuming. So even when I am hurting the love makes me want to stay. But this time I think I've fallen too deep into the pain to ever come back. I don't know how many times I'm going to say this but I have anxiety and depression. I have feelings so strong they defy my very logical brain. A side of you which you all have yet to see. This blog has actually been a snapshot of my mental health through the years.  But I digress. When they said to me that they were going to marry Felix in two years my first thought was I have to be there to document it. I was very drunk. As I sobered up I had a minor panic attack, followed by an uncontrollable crash. I sobbed for an hour unable to move, unable to stop, unable to seek help. The only reason I stopped was because I was interrupted by Amoriartii. I don't know why this hurts me to my core but it does. I'm want to feel happiness for my love's love and I do on some levels. But for the most part I see this as our end. I know that in polyamory the progression of one relationship has nothing to do with another or whether or not it continues. With how I feel now and where I'm at right now I can not continue to love them. The thought alone hurts too much. However, I don't remember what it's like not to be in love with them and I think I will feel empty with out it.  I do remember what the pain of love lost feels like though, and I'm not at a place where I'm strong enough to deal with that. I have time.  Precious time to learn to be stronger, to love their love, to fill empty spaces in my heart with self love. I want that to be what happens because those are the only livable options. Everything else has a deathly finality to it. I knew from the start that one way or another this love would take my life, but I had hoped in other ways. No matter, our love story would make one hell of a blockbusters with a awesome soundtrack.  We are one for the ages. A love that grew in the darkness to overcome it. A love that keeps bringing us back to one another. A love that I could pick out of crowed. Timeless though finite. A love that is unexplainable from the outside the intelligible from inside. Simply XO

Skit: beyond the education of the Sex down south conference

This weekend I attended a conference called Sex Down South in Atlanta from Thursday to Saturday. I learned a lot of educational information that I will share in a different post, but every conference has a social aspect and that's what I want to talk about.  I stayed with Amoriartii, Love Lace (who I refer to as lovely in desert dreams), and two other friends who shall not be named. All of us stayed in one a 2 double bed hotle room. So we were cozy to say the least but still remarkably comfortable. Despite being literally on top of each other all the time we never felt like our personal space was being invaded or that we lacked the space for me time. We were able to honor each other and our space with out making rules but just simply constantly considering everyone else.  From checking in when we would undress to speaking up for our own emotional and personal needs. There was so much love in the room even though everyone did not personally know everyone at the beginning. We quickly developed a cannon and repor fostered by genuine respect. We had the ability to feel comfortable calling each other out, teasing one another,  and being vulnerable. I think that this phenomenon that keeps accruing with similar values but different feel is what I like most about conference and creates an emotional high for me.   To be loved and be able to love while being myself in a stressful but enjoyable situation is what happens at every conference I attend. And my body doesn't know how to react when it is ultimately over in 3-5 days.  This is what I've been calling post conference depression. Because in my opinion I've actually been high for 3 days off of and excess of positive brian chemicals. My brain over produces things like serotonin, oxytocin, plus a lot of endorphins because I'm constantly simulating it in a good way. And when the conference is over and everyone leaves the stimulus is gone.  It's like quitting anything addictive cold turkey, you immediately go through withdrawal and depression. All the laughing is gone. The physical contact, hugs and cuddles, is over.  The verbal reminders of that you are loved and cared for stop. I was told I was loved and that they loved me every day and even if you are the type of person who doesn't put much stock in words still being told everyday multiple times a day that you are loved starts to get to you. There was a pain in my chest when I got home like I had just had my heart broken. It hurts and you seek out comfort because no one wants to be in pain.  I could drink I could do drugs but instead I choose to reach out to my hotel room mates to see how they were doing. Low and behold all of them were hurting too but to talk to each other made it a little better.  This is all to say that we all felt it and now are all missing each other. Are connection is real and when broken has physical and emotional consequences. Which blows my mind because we were together for such a short time. But in that time we did something I consider radical and that is honestly accept, respect, and loved one another.

#sds

Skittles: when butterflies swarm

I've been waiting.  3 years I've known you and I've waited.  I've been there I've been the good friend. I've worried and I'm still scared. You terrify me and every fiber of my being still loves you.  So now my heart is breaking because you aren't choosing me.  I know you are making the right choice. But doing the right thing hurts too sometime. I don't want this to let our love die because it doesn't need to.  Forever can look like many things besides a ring. But I'd be lying if I said I'm fine I'm not the one getting the ring.  In the dark I will cry. I the light I will smile because I am happy for you.  My heart is filled with joy for you.  You have been all that I've loved. And you might be all that I will love. But before we cross the bridge. Before you take a leap of faith and start a new chapter without me. Kiss me one last time. Before I turn the lights out give me your everything one more time.  Give me one last moment of us before I close this chapter. Love me one more  time before the fire burns outs. You are all that my heart can see. It kills me but these lights are going out.  So quickly. Just once more. Kiss me. Kiss me goodbye

Skittles: Desert dreams

I just want to drive all night. Not going anywhere not on way to or away from anything.  I just want to be with you on the road.  Nothing but red sand as far as the eyes can see.  When we run out of gas we'll walk under billions of stars. Be here with me and the stars. Its just you and me.  No time no place to be. I want to be present with you in our love. Distance means so little when we're so close.  I won't let anything come between us. Never give up and I'll never let you go. You're too high for me to ever let you down. Drive Drive Drive and don't look back. Hang on to how we feel right now, to who we are in this moment because we will never be the same again. When we blink it will be over. We have to enjoy the ride. Let the fire burn on but don't let the smoke fade. When this is over all we will have is the ashes for memories. We are one breath away from going too far but so many words away from the edge. The darkness holds the magic key. All you have to do is agree to be here with me. Just for moment.  For our forever.