Skittles: desire mapping friends

Therapist wants me to list qualities I want in a friend. So in no particular order:

1. Loyal

2. Honest

3. Trustworthy

4. Queer

5. POC

6. One shared interested

7. Fulfills a need

8. Makes time for me

9. Reaches out too

10. Interesting

11. Holds my attentions

12. concise in their explainions

13. Concise in their stories

14. Listens to understand

15. Active listening skills

16. Good communication skills

17. Gives me space and time to feel my feelings

18. Unique from my other friends

19. Likes brunch

20. Drinks or smokes weed

21. Parties

22. Snuggly

23. Working on themselves

24. Understand mental illiness

25. Our politics align

26. Respects me

27. Our social beliefs align

28. Listens to a variety of music

29. Understanding of my hetic schedule

30. Invites me out despite my hectic schedule

31. We can talk about our sex life

32. Exposes me to new things

33. Can go long periods without speaking or seeing each other but pick up where we left off

34. Shows up when they say they will 75% of the time

35. Communicates changes in plans at least an hour ahead of time when they need to cancel or change plans

36. Tries to reschedule cancelled plans. 

38. Considerate of my time

39. likes to talk/ text

40. Remembers my birthday

41. Respects my boundaries

42. Challenges me

43. Will point out things I am clearly missing in a situation

44. Communicates directly and straight forward, blunt even

45. Humors me

46. Funny

47. Caring

48. Nice

49. Picks up the vibe like if I break out into song will sing along with me if they know the words

50. Can be silly

51. Hygienic

52. Open minded

53. We have a bond or connection

54. I want to be around them

55. They want to be around me

56. Adventurous

57. I can cry around them

58. They make me feel safe

59. I feel like I can be my whole self around them

60. We can sit in silence together comfortably

61. Organize

62. Android and Google product user

63. Makes the plans some of the time

64. Is equitable about paying when we go out

65. Pays me back when they barrow money

66. Tries to resolve conflict instead of win the fight

67. Respects consent

68. I feel like they understand me

69. Willing to come to me or meet me half way some of the time

70. We can just run errands together.

71. Gives me their undivided attention sometimes

73. Prioritizes our friendship

74. Encourages me.

75. Supportive of my growth

76. I get something I value out of the friendship.

78. They get something they value out of the friendship

79. Transparent

80. Optimistic 

81. Consistent

82. Reasonable

83. Fun

84. I can take them to work events

85. Let's me stay over

86. I can meet people who are important to them

87. Gets along with some of my other friends

88. They can meet my family

89. Holds me accountable 

90. If we go somewhere together will make sure I'm safe with friends before leaving me

91. I trust them

92. Wants the best for me

93. Thinks of me even when we're not together

94. Let's me know they were thinking of me

95.  Reciprocates

96. Has a different lived experience thus different point of view than me

97. Kind

98. Cool

99. Helpful

100. Appreciative and respectful of my good nature, kindness and consideration. 

Skittles: why do I like people who hurt me

*Content warning domestic abuse*

My therapist gave me this promt so I'm going to do my best to write about it. 

I like people who hurt me because I'm trying to be loved and pain is the only love I know. If it doesn't hurt and I don't want to die if I don't have it is it really love? 

My first thought was why am I so unlovable? My mom abused me and my dad let her. My step dad didn't really intervene too much either. All because I was bad. Maybe I was just neglected and needing to be loved. But I'm not unlovable. I am just as worthy of love as anyone else. I am fully capable of being loved. So why doesn't anyone love me? What did I do? What more do I have to do to be loved? I'm trying so hard. People pleasing doesn't work. I tried doing everything my mom ever wanted of me and it was never enough. I tried saving people so they would love me, but Sophia said I was making her uncomfortable. Too much change to fast. Nobody is ever is grateful or thankful for me single handedly saving them. So that doesn't work. I use to compartmentalize and be different people for everyone. But they didn't love me, they loved who I became for them. A perfectly tailored version of me for them. I want to my full self and still be loved and don't know what to do to be loved the way I want. But I would rather be hurt than alone. I don't want to be alone. Suffering with someone is better than being fine alone. 

Side note screw Liv and being dishonest and betraying her. I have no loyalties to  her so I don't care if she gets hurt in the process. She's wrong and toxic so any pain I cause her she brought on herself by being wrong. 

skit: leaving friends that hurt me

I'm to old to be acting this foolish. I know it's wrong but I want it anyway. Nothing good is going to come of this. But I bet I do it anyway. I don't know how to do the hard thing. I don't have the self control to not give into my impulses. I want to learn from my mistake instead of repeating them. I know exactly what I'm doing and how dangerous of a game it is. The problem is I also know I'm good at the game. There are no winners and it all ends in pain but I can have a lot of fun before that comes. The worst part is I don't even know why I am playing. I didn't want to play this game in the beginning. I was adamant that I wasn't going to play. Now look at me. So deep in it. And for what? She'll never change. She'll grow but she will never choose me. She'll never love me. Not the way I deserve. I have a chance to avoid the head on collision but I can't seem to swerve. The timing is all wrong. I deserve the summer. I don't want to hurt for the rest of the year. I've been through pain all winter. Can't I get a reprieve? It's not like doesn't hurt already. I'm just ignoring that pain. But if I open those flood gates there's no going back. My heart will be broken. I will lose my friend. I don't know how I let it get this bad. I want it all. I want my friend without the lectures and pain with the bond we've cultivated. But I think the intimacy I crave will always come at this cost. I am worth the love I give away. I need to find it and stop hurting myself with people I know will never work. I knew I knew I knew. And I did it anyway. I need to let be over. I just can't seem to stop myself. Cuz it's just hurting me. There is nothing here for me and I know this. So why am I still here. Why can't I leave. Why do I run to her when she doesn't want me. I'm going to leave in pieces and it's no one's fault but my own. I'm just procrastinating cutting myself open. Stalling all the way to the execution chamber. What's will come will come there's no stopping it. Just acceptance.

random affirmation

Today's random affirmation is: my friends do not judge me nor do they influence what I do with my life. This is not true for me. I took a big oof when I read this. I think I spend a lot of time shaping my life around my friend and willingly being influenced by them. I am working on not compromising myself for the people I love. For the love of myself.