Skittles: really old dream post

I had a dream I got caught by Vendetta looking at her Facebook page and YouTube channel. Of course I've blocked her on Facebook but I can still see her professional page. In my dream her professional page sends me a message and a conversation ensues.

V: I can't believe you have the nerve to visit my page.
Me: I'll stop I'm sorry. Please feel free to block me. I deserve that.
V: Why would you even visit my page?
Me: Because it helps me heal.
V: Helps you heal!? Heal from what? You weren't the one hurt. You are the one who did the hurting.
Me: You're right I'll stop.
V: What could you possibly be healing from? I didn't do anything to you.
Me: My therapist suggested it. It's stupid I should have told her no.
V: No therapist was suggest that a predator watch videos of the people they hurt. You've got to be lying. I'm blocking you now.
Me: I'm not lying. But I'll still stop I'll have my  therapist find something else.
V: No therapist would do that.
Me: I'm supposed to look at pictures or videos to prove you're alive. That's all.
V: Why would your therapist want to prove that I'm alive? So you can kill me? What the hell is going on?
Me: I wouldn't listen to reason. So to bring me back to reality she has to appeal to my crazy first.
V: What are you talking about? Are you using my videos as part of some sick fantasy?
Me: Noo. It's just to prove you alive. I'm not suppose to talk to you or anything. I should go.
V: You're not supposed to talk to me? Really? What lie did you tell your therapist?
Me: I didn't lie. Look, she has me do it to help me through my own stuff.
V: Like what? You're just full of shit.M

Me: She uses them to talk me down. But I feel really guilty and I go kind of hammarabi. An eye for an eye a life for a life.

V: You tried to kill yourself?
Me: Yeah. A lot actually. Dying is just so much easier. I'm sorry you don't need to know any of this. It's not that I'm not supposed to talk to you. It's that I feel even more guilty for telling you. I should go. I'll stop. I'll have my therapist find something else. I'm sorry

V: Wait I don't want you to die. But I still get why you're looking at my page?

Me: Well it's along the lines of an eye for an eye. If you're still alive and I should be too. That's all I guess.

V: So you watch my page just for confirmation that I'm alive?

Me: Yeah. I don't even read the content. I just check the time and date stamp. 

V: I don't know. That's still really wired..

Skitt: What does love feel like?

For me love usually feels different for each person. But I'll talk about the many faces and shapes my great loves took. I would say that I have been in a relationship with 3 of the people I've ever felt "great love" for Kimmie, Amoriartii, and Vendetta, respectfully. I think other than all feeling relatively the same that these "great loves" are like love of a lifetime. It is a powerful, strong, and distinct feeling. My love for them came from ever fiber of my being. My love for them was so intense the emotion had a physical manifestation. I could feel it just as much as I could feel getting kicked in the shin.

Loving them felt like longing. I wanted to be with them as much as possible and I missed them when we were a part. Loving them felt like motivation. I was so efficient when I was with them. I got my homework done early so that I could be with them. I worked hard to be able to buy them nice things. I wanted to be my best for them. I would move mountains with no hesitation, they didn't even have to ask. It looked like constant consideration. I planned my schedule around time dedicated to them. I would see things that they might like and just buy them. It felt exciting. I was always giddy to see them. It felt happy.  It felt like having butterflies in your stomach. I was always so nervous around them. I didn't want to mess up. I wanted the kiss to be just right. I wanted to keep the right place when we were walking. I didn't want to hold thier hand too tight. It felt right. I never had any doubt that we weren't meant to be. When I was with them it felt like that was exactly where I was suppose to be in that moment. I knew that each of them were right for me despite how they ended. If I could choose not do be with them to avoid the heart ache after, I would still choose to be with them. It felt inspiring. How could I be better every day. How can I show them I love them. It felt sexy. To be wanted and to lust for them was addicting. It felt passionate. Fire running through my body wouldn't have made my blood as hot as it was for them. It felt like admiration. Most of the time I could just look at them and say " Wow! What an amazing human." I respected each of them so much. It looked like making them 1 of my top priorities. Keeping them in mind always influenced my decisions. It felt like distress. Watching the person you love struggle or be in pain is harder than experiencing it yourself. All I wanted to do was make it better and I was often powerless to do so. It felt like understanding. For the most part, I feel like they all understood me and where I was at their approximate time in my life. Love can feel like a warm peaceful filling feeling would just come over me.

There was one love, I won't call it's a "great love" but it sticks out in my head. It was different from the ones above. My love for Godric was calm and steady. My love for him felt safe. My love for him felt comfortable. It felt easy. The love I had for him put me at ease. My love for him felt peaceful. It wasn't a feeling that overcame me. Sometimes love feels like the emotion it's taking over you in a rather forceful way. This wasn't like that. The love wasn't imposing. It didn't take over my life. The love was passive. The love felt inviting and nice.

It hard to describe what it feels like to think about the same person for a period of time everyday you wake up, through the day, and right before you go to sleep. For me it's almost always sudden, like being hit by a giant wave. Then the feeling just grows and gets stronger everyday. Love songs start making sense. When you're in love you understand poetry and art about love. You want the best for them, more than you want the best for yourself. You would do anything to keep them from harm. To know you would sacrifice everything for them. Their love for you is your most precious possession. You would die for them, but more importantly you would live for them. Love can be a person's whole reason for living. I kept a text on my phone that said "I love you", just in case I got into a life threatening situation and was dying. I wanted them to know my last thought in this world would have been about them and I would want my last words to be telling them I loved them. I kept a letter detailing my love for them in my stuff at home just in case I died and couldn't tell them beforehand. Love is more addictive than any drug I've tried. Love can be the motivation behind the strongest frustrations. To love some and let them know is one of the bravest acts a person can do. Loving someone is to be vulnerable. Loving someone is to trust. Love caused the worst pain I've ever felt but it was worth it.

Skittles: The year I lost love

Trigger and content warning: Suicide, self-harm, weight, pounds, and suicidal ideation

This year has taken everything out of my. I spent most of the year not drowning but not staying afloat either. I lost the two people I romantically loved. Losing their presence in my life drain me off ability to see the color of the world. I lost the music. I stopped listening to music for a long time. All music was just an auditory representation of my pain. I self isolated and left my community it off fear. I fell out of communication with a number of my friends. I got so low and became so broken that I have to look up to see rock bottom. I've spent this year sinking in my own despair. This pass year has been devoid of meaning and purposes. All I did this year was suffer, whether through external or self infliction.

Pain has been a strict but just teacher. I had to face my fear of imperfection in the public eye. I wasn't crucified. I had to own up to my mistakes and deal with the consequences. The duel heart breaks forced me to admit my wrongs with humility. I've gotten better at being vulnerable with those I trust out of necessity. I've become more aware of how my actions effect others. I'm more considerate of others feelings. I had to go most of this year alone and I'm now more selfreliant. The most important thing all of the hurt taught me was patience.

I spent a good amount of time this year crying. When I couldn't cry any more I started sitting alone in the cold, dark, rain, or shower. When I couldn't sit anymore I walked. When walking didn't work I tried to sleep. My insomnia came back and nothing could soothe me I started cutting again starting with my toes and fingers. Its easy to fixate on something that was an old bad habit. Anything to temporally forget about the pain in my chest.

I have been at my worst this year. I have been on more suicide watches than I have taken trips this year. I couldn't leave the my room alone much less the state. It's been stressful for my siblings and my best friend. I try very hard not to stress my friends so much this year. I cut them off to keep from over burdening. I have gotten better, but no where near where I was. I use to believe I shouldn't want to die. I use to believe it was wrong to want to die. I currently don't want to be alive and apathetically/indifferentlly living. I'm not going to kill myself but not because I don't want to. I'm not going to go out of my way to kill myself. I'm not going to go out get whatever I need, look up instructions, say goodbye, write a note, or any of that. If it's not laid out for me I'm not going to do it.

A few good things did happen this year. Lovely and I are much better. I came out publicly as non binary this year. I've been going by a different name for most of the year. I've been binding my chest more and wearing more masculine clothes. That has been nice. I even told my mom and she took it very well. I also got a dog. She has helped a lot. I've only had her for the last two weeks but I've laughed, smiled, and sang more than I have all year. She makes me feel less alone, empty, sad, and dead. She's amazing. Her nickname is snoot snoot.

I gained weight. To much currently but I'm no longer under weight. I use to be 125 pounds (56.69 kg). I'm 5'4 by the way. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been at 185 pounds (83.91kg). None of my clothes fit. I'll be starting my new job soon so hopefully I'll slim back down to something healthy. I've been basically physically healthy this year. I have an on going hormone imbalance and my insides tried to fall out of me again. Prolapse is soooo much fun. I am also currently suffering from, and I'm not kidding, Broken Heart Syndrome. My doctors don't understand it. Broken Heart Syndrome usually resolves itself with treatment with in a few days. I however, have been lucky enough to have recurring attacks going on 3 weeks now. I'll keep you posted but the last word was stay in the heat medicine and go to therapy.

Due to my achy breaky heart I haven't gotten back out there. I don't want to rebound. I would hate myself for using some as an emotional fix then when I feel better leave them. I do miss the physical contact. I love to snuggle and the lack of human touch has done a number on me. I've slowly started to see friends again and it has made a difference to be with them. I didn't realize how touch starved I had gotten. Holding hands is like coming up for air after being held under for what seems like forever. Little things I took for granted and then unintentionally removed from my life are a breath of fresh air to have back.

To say that my feelings got the best of me this year would be an understatement. I was paralyzed by my feelings. Held captive by my feelings. Tortured by my feelings. Drowned in my feelings. Haunted by my feelings. My mind has been a scary place that I was able to avoid. I was trapped in my head, abused by my own emotions, exploited by my fears. I lived in my nightmares: not being loved, having no one who will let me love them, abandoned/ rejected by those I loved and cared about, weak and vulnerable to my enemies, attacked publicly, having my reputation tarnished, knowing no one cares about me. When I finally got the courage to climb out from under my rock it turned out I had greatly amplified the severity in my head. I did have to face the public but I was not villainized. I was never alone and my people still loved me, despite my disbelief.

This coming year I've want to pick up the pieces of my life. I have a lot of healing to do. I ran out of tears along time ago but I'm just now running out self pitty. I'm going to take a page from older Japanese culture and fix myself up really nice. Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver, platinum, and other precious metals. From what I have learned this art was highly influenced by religion, specifically Buddhism and Shintoism, represented by Mottainai. The phrase Mottainai roughly means "what a waste." Why throw away what could be fixed, repurposed, or recycled? When you add the aesthetic concept wabi-sab of accepting  what's transient, ephemeral, and imperfect you get Kintsukuroi. I'll put myself together with all the silver and gold.

I fell. I shattered. I learned. Now I'm going to heal. I'm going to put myself back together. I'm going to bear my scars proudly. I hope they never let me forget what I learned this year. But it is time to move on.

Skittle: my ex's

Would I date an ex?
No one before my sophomore year of college.
After that I would but someone would have to change.

For Cyborg I would have to give up my dream life and my soul mate.
Or Cyborg would have to learn and enjoy  polyamormy.

Amoriartii and I need to talk, trust, apologize, be brave and be honest.

I just want Amoriartii to  be healthy, be so happy it's centering, and loved deeply and completely. I want them to continue to grow. I want them to treat goal's like marathon ribbon run right past them. Over achieve! But also find that balance.

I have loved you since NYC it got real in Houston and we were in tears in Kansas City.
One love. You 2013-2018

If I could ask them any questions I would ask them |Do you love me?| |What type of love?|
|Are we good for each other?|
|Do we make each other happy?|
|Do you trust me?| |Do I trust you?|
|Do you want me to be in your life?|
|How so?| |How much?|
Starting over is full of crap. The crap follows you. A person just handles it better. I want to
Start communicating openly, no secret ulterior motives, and no lying. Share the plan, share the strategy, share the weapons. Then once it's all out we can talk. I want to apologize for hurting you because I'm putting myself first so don't notice your pain.

The situation would have to had been different with V. She would have to work  through her tramau. I would have to deal with mine. Go to therapy together make it work. We both wanted it to work.

I know I can never go back to V and she will never come back to me. I want her to be happy and I want all her wildest dreams to come true. I know she can't do that if I'm around. I need to leave her life for her to be happy. Yes it hurts. I wanted to hurt. I didn't think it would be fair for this to send her to hell in her head without pain on my part. She hurts because of me and I hurt because of me. I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to live in a world where I hurt those closet to me. I know now that she will smile, love, live, and thrive if I just stay out of her world. She can't do that work while I'm trying to get her attention through acts of self pitty. I need to leave her alone. Stop online stalking. Stop following. Stop checking the guest list. I'm already dead to her I need to stop haunting her. I need to do the hard work. I need to heal myself. Get introspective. Don't live for her. Don't die for her. I have to take control of life.

Daily struggles

I still only think of Amoriartii when I hear a love song. When I see people in love I think about the times Amoriartii and I were happy together. But when I see art about love or listen to poems about love I also think about Vendetta. I spend more time crying about V then I do smiling about Amoriartii. I think that our souls I meant to have many kindred spirits that were meant to spend the rest of our lives with. I believe we're meant to love a few other souls for eternity. I'm really young so I can't say for sure but I think I found two of my eternities.

Skittles: Almost four months later

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation and death

I miss not being in love.
Not being in heartbreak.
I miss being fulfilled
by the sound of laughter my friends make.
I miss being numb.
The not caring.
The empty.
It felt like freedom.
There was nothing.
No pain
No joy.
Being devoid was calming.

I remember every time I would finally be done with the pain of a heartbreak and settle into the numbness. It was always better than the pain for at least a month. However, after a month had passed, for some reason, I always wanted to feel again. I remember hating not being able to be happy or feel excitement. I felt cursed with apathy. There were no highs, there were no lows, there was only nothing. If it rained it ruined my hair didn't care. If I won a race or did really great on a test I thought I failed didn't care. I felt as much as my Android phone. It got harder to fake emotions that I was supposed to have. As time went on, I forgot how to feel those things. If I couldn't remember how surprise felt I couldn't recreate it when needed. I don't know what got me out of the numbness but slowly I started to enjoy life again. But I can't enjoy life right now I'm stuck in constant heartbreak, suicidal ideation, or panic. I loved her so much and I haven't really talked about it with anybody. I need to grieve, I need to heal, and I need someone to still love me (platonically). But right now I'm in such a whirlwind of emotions I don't want to feel anything. It's all too overwhelming. I can't see her, my doctor had me block her on social media. However, she has a business and I still like the page on Facebook. Also we have mutual friends so I see that she's going to or performing at certain events. I always really want to go. I want to see her. I forget to breathe just watching old videos of her. It feels like my heart has stopped. No that's not right. It feels like something is holding my heart stopping it from beating. It's trying but it can't. I watch her and it feels like I'm dying. And then I'm crying. And I can't stop crying. It all still hurts. I feel like I'm drowning. And I'm scared. I'm scared everyday I leave the house and I might see her. I find myself checking events and asking my friends to make sure that she's not there. I feel like I'm hiding all over again. And I just want to die. I can't do this again. I'm falling to pieces.

Skittles: Vendetta update

I feel like I've given y'all the wrong impression. I am still very much dying, hurting, struggling, crying, and not sleeping over what happened with V. Its just summer and I'm busy. I work every week day all day, I have meetings on any  break I get, and then I'm travelling every weekend. I didn't really have time to finish healing. I just had to get up and get moving right away. I'll let you all know when the tsunami finally catches up to me. I get bits of it every once and a while. I'll feel like I'm drowning, I'll have a nightmare, or I'll just start crying out of nowhere. My emotions are really erratic. The only stability in my life is the lack there of.

Skittles: what it feels like to live her today

You want me dead.
I get that.
You don't believe a word I say.
I get that too.
How could you trust someone who violated you?
You want to punch me in the face.
I would let you.
If you see me I won't run.
I will stand there so you can punch me.
I won't fight back.
Part of me thinks that when you start,
you won't stop.
All of me wants you to.
Did you know you don't even need to touch me?
You are already killing me.
We are already fighting.
You are trying to kill me, and my instincts are trying to keep me alive.
I'm not fighting back but part of me is trying to stay alive.
I hope you win.
I'd willingly let you kill me.
Its so much easier to die for someone.
I'd die for you without question.
That's not love through.
That's cowardness.
I'd let you torture me day in and day out,
till the end of my days.
I'd live for you.
I'd live for you,
to cause me as much pain as you need to.
I'd live for you,
to give you someone to hate
and blame.
I'd live for you,
to give you hope of finding me,
and hurting me more than I hurt you.
I'd live for you,
so you can get closer and heal.
I love you that much.
I let you destroy everything.
I didn't have too.
I fix mess like this for fun.
I don't have a future.
I can't help people anymore.
You destroyed everything I worked for,
and was building.
I exist now simply for you.
For I love you.

Skitt: Here comes the past

Since the end of my relationship with Vendetta I've been avoiding music. She played several instruments, and music was a big part of our relationship. So I stopped listening to it. Music is how I cope and heal through. Its just generally a huge part of my life. Without it my life feels empty. I try to avoid the painful triggers that remind me of her and heal at the same time. I turned on a song "What Hurts the Most" Cascada's version. I was really vibing with the song becuase it so obviously fit what I was feeling. I kept listening to it on repeat then it hit me. This is the song I used to get over one of my grade school friend's suicide. We became friends in kindergarten. We loved being togther becuase my first name was her middle name. My middle name was was her first name. We where Daisies togther. Then she moved away, but she was coming back when we were in 5th grade. We promised to pick up where we left off when she came back. She came back different but we quickly got close quickly. She killed herself and family maybe a year after being back. I didn't try to stop her. I knew what she was going to do. I begged her not to leave me alone. She was in so much pain. I was not suprised when the told me. I was so mad that she left me. The song helped through. Now I feel all the hurt of losing her and Vendetta. Its too much. Trying not to get dragged down by V, I forgot about all the other musical traps. I miss them both. What hurts the most is being so close to my dasiy and being unable to save her. What hurst the most is being so close to having long term love with V and losing it all in the blink of an eye.

Skittles: Please don't let me hurt you again

Right now my biggest fear isn't the fallout of what I've done. I'm not afraid of watching everything I've been working on since 2014 go up in flames.  I'm not afraid of being kicked out of community and being alone. I live most of my life lonely anyway and I know its going to be a long fall from the heavens where I have been living as a deity. I am not afraid of the pain when I hit the ground. I am not afraid to shatter, its going to look like something in me exploxed. I will become so many tiny pieces so close to sand. I have done this all before. I am a phoenix of sorts. Every so often everything I know, everything I've built burns to ash. I go up in the most destructive, all comsuming, beautiful flames. Only a few people have lived to see this. Fewer still are there waiting for me as I'm reborn. None of this is new or scary.

I am afraid of having to talk to her. Vendetta will probably want to talk to me at some point. I am living in fear of getting that text, call, or facebook message. I am not afraid of what she will say. No matter what she says I am already dead. Her words will just add fuel to the flames. She will make this quicker, easier. I am not afraid of doing whatever she wants me to. I can and I will. I am afraid of what I will say. I love her and I want her to be happy. It is easiest for me to do that, to not interfere from far away. I am afraid I will ask her to stay knowing that she shouldn't. I am afraid of convincing her to still love me even when I know she needs to let me go. I am afraid of pulling her back into my madness. I am afraid of getting her to trust me again knowing that I will only hurt her. I am afraid that she will feel bad for me, that she will want to help me, and/or that she will empathize with me making it that much harder for her to cut all ties.

I will not be trying to do any of this. I know better. I just hurt too. I still love her. I can't stop the apologies from slipping out of my lips. I can't stop the justification from escaping the cage of teeth. I can't force the sense of longing from my eyes. I am just so dam enticing, inviting that the blatant warnings of danger seem to be a bit extreme. I appear so harmless even though my lair is filling with carcasses and every bit of surface is stained in blood, I could not have possibly done it. After I have torn someone half way to shreds, and they watched me do this to them, I still could not be the culprit. My heart is made of gold and my intentions are pure. How could I be so destructive? They always come back to me. They absolve me of all responsibility, take all the blame, and pick themselves from my teeth. Then I finish then off. I kill them and no one believes me.

Right now she one of the only people who believe I'm a monster. If you who watch me rise from the ashes each time know. They are not afraid because they stay out of reach, out of harms way. If she comes back she will forget, and I will kill her.  I'm afraid to hurt her. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I never wanted to hurt her in the first place.

I'm afraid I'm misleadingly dangerous, and if she gets too close I'll hurt her.

Skittles: not built it for it

This is where I am right now

I am a leader. I am a fighter. I am a fire. I am an engineer. I am a do-er.

Leaders lead. Fighters fight. Fires burn, consume, warm, cook, give life, take life, and die. Engineers solve specific types of problems, invent, and fix things. Do-er do. None of these things Love. They are loved. They can kind of love, but not romantically, and its usually passion or loyalty. They can do many things, but are not made to love.

Fish are made to swim. No matter how bad it wants to climb that is not what it is made to do. If it spends it's whole life in the hopeless pursuit of something it is simply incapable of doing, its going to feel like failure. It could just accept the limitation. It would save the fish a lot of pain.

I am starting to think I'm not made to love. I don't seem to know how to do it right. I tend to like the toxicity. I don't think I know how to do it right. Even when I try to have a healthy relationship, I ruin it or I run from it.

I hurt Vendetta. One of the point of no return type of hurt. I didn't mean to. But this is over. We haven't said it yet but I know. I love her and I can't hurt her like this again. If I stay it will keep happening becuase I'm learning how not to, but it is going to take time. I can't ask her to wait for me to learn. To willingly let me hurt her. I won't.

I think its time to stop trying to do something I'm not meant for. I'll save myself and others a lot of pain.

P.S. I won't say it

I've been waiting for a while for this moment with you. I didn't think I would get here. I never thought you would feel the same way. I thought you were preoccupied with someone else. I remember giving up and walking away. Then you came up to me and said "ask me out again." Its been painstakingly slow. I've spent days banging my head against the wall trying to be patient. Nights longing to be with you, lusting after you, dreaming about you. Trying to play it cool take it slow. But it was all worth it. Getting to spend my birthday with you Sunday was way more than I hoped for. That Monday will go down as the best Monday in history. I woke up next you. I got to fall asleep and wake up next to you. I have never been so happy with someone. I left thinking, GOD! This Must be love. I wanted nothing more then to tell you I've head over heals about you. I so serious about this. I want you to be happy, so continue to do you, but this isn't just a fling to me. I want to grow with you. I want to see you succeed. I want to help you and support you in that endeavor. I want to be with you for the foreseeable future. I want you to be happy. I will do whatever I can to facilitate that. I want you to feel safe with me. I want to be worthy of your trust. I want you to know I trust you. I may not always act like it, that's just because I don't always have the words for what I'm trying to say. I want to be here for it all, not just good, but the shit too (especially when its hard). I want to keep trying, learning, and working at this. I know we're poly so I know there are other people in your life. There are only two other people who are important to me like this that aren't family, my best friend husband #7, and my Play Partner Lovely.  Neither of those relationships are romantic or sexual. I'm still poly but I'm not looking for more at the moment. If it happens I'm not going to ignore it, but I'm not actively seeking some else at the moment. When I do it will probably be my away partner (someone who doesn't live here who I see every 4 months at least). I'm kinda focused on this and satisfied at the moment. I am so happy with you. I am completely in love with you Vendetta. You have my heart.

I am not sending/saying this to her becuase she doesn't consider our relationship as serious. I thought we were in a romantic partnership. According to her we are in an open romantic relationship its just not that serious cuz she doesn't trust me. I found this out on Tuesday and I've been kinda heartbroken about it. I didn't really talk to her Tuesday because I was hurt. After all of this still not there. I've been trying so hard. I know her love isn't a prize to win. I'm just disheartened.

Skittles: what it feels like to love her today

2/14/18
I'm afraid I'm In Love With a Star.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a Heavenly Body,
that philosophers struggled to name.
For who names angels?
I'm afraid I'm in love with the farthest star, that can be seen with the naked eye,
with no light pollution.
I'm afraid I'm in love with something so aw inspiring,
that it is the muse for art, poetry, and love songs,
but also provokes innovation.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a fire that I will never experience in person,
never be in the same space.
I'm afraid I'm in love with the potential to give life and support life,
that I will never truly understand.
I'm afraid I'm in love with something that has traveled so far,
and known so much.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a multi-dimensional being.
Both a particle and a wave,
and whatever else she wants to be.
I'm afraid I'm in love spectrum of colors.
Some I can't see,
or even begin to comprehend,
I wish I could.
I'm afraid I'm in love with a origin story I won't get to know.
I'm trying to make peace with that.
I'm afraid I'm in love with the light that has already burned out.

Skittles: I'm seeing people?

So I have already told you all about Latka. We are doing good. We haven't officially started our relationship but we talk at least once a week on the phone. We also text everyday and he is coming to visit in December for a bit. I'm excited.

I haven't talked about Vendetta recently though. I thought all hope was lost when I found out this other person liked her and she liked the other person back. All was not lost. V is poly like me. I have since learned about one other person in V's romantic life. So there are 3 of us to my knowledge. I briefly stopped talking to V when I found out about the person number 1. Then she hit me up and asked me to help her move so I did. I got to spend a whole day with her which is how I learned she was poly and into me. We've been talking ever since. In September we started officially dating! Things have been slow but that's intentional. There is a lot of her own history she has to sort through and I respect that. I just like being there for her. I want her to be as comfortable as possible in our relationship so I'm willing to wait, all be it impatiently. I enjoy just being with V. Our conversations are very intentional and thought provoking. But still very relaxed. I like that I just get to be myself and discover myself with her. I always feel in a relationship I'm aiming to please. So I only get to be part of myself. With Cyborg I was very fem, despite wanting to explore my more masculine or neutral side, because that's what Cyborg was attracted to. But with Vendetta I get to be whatever. I love her heart and soul. She is very sensetive ( in a good way) and soft. Her willingness to be vulnerable and engage with me is what I find most attractive about her. She's also just so freaking physically attractive as well. I spend so much time lusting after her. I have learned that when no one tickles my fancy my sex drive just doesn't exist. Which is nice. When I'm not attracted to anyone I don't get horny. Since I prefer the company of others to my own that really works out in my favor. No person, no sexual feelings, no sexual desires, great! However, when I do find someone attractive for more than a moment then its like they flipped the switch. I go from never wanting sex to thinking about it all the time. Thus the case with V. I have been abstinent since I broke up with Cyborg in February. I could have had a fling with California eyes at the beginning of September but mother nature got in the way. Other than that I have only had a boner for V. We started talking in July so by now I could just devour her with my desire. But I'm not going to. I will take a very cold shower and wait. I respect her and I will not force the issue. But dam her eyes, her smile, those lips, her hips, and everything else just keeps me staring.

Skittles: Better- TH

It's over quicker than it began. I just saw V with this girl who likes her and who she likes back.  They are so cute. They are both artsy and connect that way.  I just don't get her like that and I think I'm too abrasive anyway. So I'm going to bow out gracefully before I make a fool of myself.  I've never been one to be a quieter but I think I need to let this one go. Looks like I'll be by myself for awhile. It might be good to get some me time.  Maybe I'm better off alone.

Daily struggles

I kind of like this badass Queer activist drummer/ bass guitarist.  We'll call her V for Vendetta. But I'm too much of a hot mess right now to pursue anything.  My feelings need to cool it.

Skittles: How do "One night stands"?

I recently made out then cuddled with an amazing person. They are a badass trans activist, artist, and musician. They are also a beautiful tortured soul. I believe or exsperice help us learn but our trauma really makes us. They been through it. Still so strong and with such heart and optimism despite everything.  Becuase I've already used thier real name on here to tell you about their work I'll let you all figure out who I'm taking about. But for the sake of this post I'll call her V for Vendetta. Vendetta posted on Facebook they wanted someone to make out with and I was like yeah if your down to cuddle too. So we met up and I took them home. 

I am not the hook up type. I get really nervous and I spend a lot of time in my head instead of just feeling. We talked a lot then I just like playing in people's hair so it went from there.  I thought we might hook up but then in the middle of everything they asked me to stop. So I did. I wonder if I did something wrong but I was too scared to ask. I wanted to ask what they liked. I wanted to ask if they wanted to fool around in the morning when we woke up but I was still too scared.  V on the other hand was really good at communicating. They asked me what I liked.  Asked if they could bite me.  Really checked in with me. I felt like they really cared about how I felt.  It wasn't awkward either. I always imagined having convos during passionate interactions would kill the mood but it really helps you both be on the same page.  Meanwhile I was parlized with fear. I just wanted to be good. I am a perfectionist when it comes to these things. I was so scared I wasn't doing anything right. I really wanted to say something but I was just so scared. 

This is what keeps me from hooking up.  My fear and how it keeps me from being able to talk during physical interactions. I'm usually very verbal, moans, screams,  lots of curse words,  and directions (ie to the left, bite me,  lower, harder ect). I could barley get a moan out. I think I'm just meant to get to know a person first.  Have a well established high level of comfort. Like we can be naked in front of each other for no reason comfortable.  Then I feel like I can be myself.  I would also like to snuggle first for a whole night's sleep before I get into someone's bottoms.  I think if we can just snuggle in only underwear then I can sleep with you after that.  I've already gotten down to my skivvies and let you hold me close or held you close. Hopefully you didn't try anything, respected my boundaries, and didn't murder me. If you can do that and I find you attractive and you feel the same  then we can probably do the horizontal tango.

Know your boundaries and what makes you comfortable. Also try to make the other person comfortable. The cool thing about my interaction is there was a no and it was acknowledge and respected.  You can always stop. No matter what your gender, your orientation, power dynamic, top, bottom,  verse,  threesome,  orgy, making out, holding hands,  anything. You can say no and end it. Never do something you don't want to.  Never force  or coerce someone into doing something.  Always acknowledge and respect a no.  Be safe and have fun at your own speed