Skit:SH

*Trigger warning*
This post talks about suicidal ideation and self harm. 

I haven't cut myself for about two years.  I still pick at wounds and sores but I don't cause the intial wound anymore. With the exception of picking at my cuticles which sometimes leads to hang nails.
I use to keep a small knife no bigger than my thumb and cut the dark lines on my palms. The one I would cut is called the fate line. Its a straight line that runs from your wrist up to your middle finger. I didn't cut to draw blood. I have a very stange pain threshold.  Paper cuts hurt just as bad as breaking a bone and everything between those two things feel midly uncomfortable. So I would cut to make it sting like a paper cut. I would cut deep enough to need first aid but not bad enough to bleed. I need to heat the blade first just in case I cut too deep it wouldn't bleed because it would burn. I would sterilize the cut with alcohol so that it would hurt more.  Put neosporin on it along with liquid bandage.  Then I would watch it heal then do it again. And I have tried to stop. I don't really know why I do it. It doesn't stop the pain on the inside. I don't do because I feel numb. I feel a lot of pain, sadness, and despair. I kind of fixate on it and whenever I'm feeling a lot, or I'm bored ( trying not to feel I guess ) I cut. I also cut straight lines across my fingers tips. Again I don't draw any blood because the blade is hot and I'm not cutting that deep just deep enough, maybe a few millimeters. I want to be able to pull the flesh open. But it looks like paper cuts so no one ever thought much of it. Now I have the urges to cut again. If you don't feed the urge it grows until it becomes all you think about. But I had my knife taken away so I need to buy a new one. I'm trying not too, not because I know it's bad but because everyone around me believes it's wrong. Most people who engage in self harm know its wrong.  Some people I've talked to describe it as a sick compulsion that they would do anything to get rid of.  Mine isn't like that at all. Mine is this urge yes but to calm myself.  My urge to cut would be that one bad influence friend that you love.  No matter how wrong everyone around you says they are is it still feels right. Its very hard for me stop doing something that's not horribly bad for my health. I have an increased risk for infection but that's it.  Cutting makes me feel better and nobody can really catch me doing.  There's no negative consequences to me cutting except for when I get caught. Then they take my very expensive knife away but that's all. I know it can progress into something much worse like slitting my wrist or cutting my thighs but I have no interest in the what you get from cutting or the act of cutting itself.  I am more invested in the aftercare. The self care.  When I burn my self (because I cook and bake a lot so it happens a lot) I meticulously care for it. Aloe and neosporin it everyday apply the burn cream. Bandage it if necessary. Take great care of the injury.  I just want to care for my broken body and since I can't touch or really care for my depression this is the physical manifestation of trying to. I can do things to combat my depression but there's nothing on how to apply first aid to a chemical imbalance. I requires higher medical knowledge than I possess. I want to apply a tourniquet to my brain but that wouldn't help. I've talk to my doctor and they said there's nothing I can do but stay active, take my medicine, see my doctors regularly and be forth coming with what's going on in my life.  Like if I'm fantasizing more about suicide or if I've gone back to cutting myself again, stuff like that. Nothing really stops me from planning my death, even though I know I will never do it.  I don't want to hurt the people who love me the way my friends who have committed suicide have hurt me. But I plan none the less because it is so soothing to think in a few weeks or a month it could all be over.  What would I wear? How do I want to look when I'm found? What do I say to my loved ones? What do I do with my money? What do I want a funeral? What do I want them to do with the body?  There is so much to plan.  I am a planner I love to plan.  Most people commit suicide as a last resort. They are really in pain and sad and think that the only way they can stop hurting is to die.  Again this is not why I plan. I have no itent to actually do it. I need to accomplish more in my life before I feel like I can leave this world. I plan because it brings me peace when nothing else works.  Not yoga, swimming, meditation, hanging out with friends, ect. This makes me feel normal again. I don't actually want to die.  I want to put myself in a coma with my brain still fuctioning. All the perks of being dead with out actually hurting anyone and I'm still alive. I know all of this sounds crazy and I realize it is.  I only think this way because I am sick and have been sick since at least 7. That is the first time I remember wanting to kill myself.  I've never actually tried. But I spend a lot of energy planning.  Because it feels peaceful and inviting. Nothing else in my life makes me as tranquil. Fantasies are meant to be an escape from real life.  Except why would I dream of death if my problem is depression? Why not just dream of a life where I'm not depressed? Simple because I have no idea what that would look like. I've been depressed from at least 16 on. So for 6 years I've been depressed and in the beginning it wasn't as bad as it is now.  But I don't remember a time when I didn't hope for death, or didn't hurt myself. Even when I was child I did these things.  Not as bad or as intense but I still did them. I have no idea what a life with out depression looks like. None of my friends who happen not to be diagnosed with a mental illness ( which is an ever strinking group of people) live a life I wouldn't want to live. I'd rather live my life and be depressed.  So all I can dream of is something I am slightly familiar with, which is death. Ending the depression, anxiety, opression, bad memories, and everything else. But I'm a fighter. I will live with depression for the rest of my life and have to deal with my suicidal ideation and self harm ugures until the disease kills me or I die of old age. All I can do is learn how to combat the symptoms, which I'm not very good at. There are all of these therapeutic tools such as dialect behavioral  therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. They come with all these things that I'm suppose to practice when I'm feeling these ways.  The only one I'm good at is a skill called opposite to emotion. That's where if I feel like fantasizing or cutting I do the opposite action of that. The opposite of a fantasy is reality so I try to ground myself in the moment. You can do this through breathing exercises or guided meditation. I like to write or play Sudoku instead.  The opposite of self harm is self care so I might eat some chocolate, go get a spa treatment, or bake. I work really hard to try to use my tools. The professionals say the more you practice the tools the more they become second nature and you'll be better able to mange your illness. So I'm practing to get better but a lot of the times it's easier to revert to old habits than try something new.  The old is comfortable familiar and proven to work. While the new stuff is better for me but hard. I guess it's easy to be depressed and hard to be happy.  Being happy takes effort that many people are able to put forth and take that for granted. Being happy isn't as simple as it seems so enjoy it when you have it because you've worked hard for it.  And for those people going through the thick of it like me, take it one moment at a time.  I find that helps. If I stay present I can acknowledge that I feel a certian way but I don't have to let my emotions control me. I can let them have their moment then move on.  That moment can be a minute or a few days but eventually I need to move on.  I can stay stuck in my feelings.  I'll drown. So try taking it a moment at a time and see if that makes it easier. Choosing to stay here on this planet means you're willing to fight.  I support you in your fight.  Don't give up. Stay Fierce.

Skitt: It started in my gut, on going healing

It started in my stomach. A gut wrenching pain. As I read the email I began to feel it.  I kept replaying the words in my head long after I deleted the message.  The words just stayed on repeat in my head. This went on for a few days. As I kept thinking about it the pain moved to my head. Over thinking and crying gave me splitting headaches that nothing could seem to ease.  I couldn't eat, all I could do was work and sleep. Those two things kept me numb. I started abusing ibuprofen. Anything to make me numb on the inside I would've tried.  I couldn't drink, my body just couldn't stomach it without any food.  I couldn't do other drugs because they would mess with my anti depressant and only make things worse.  This went on for a few weeks.  I started to pass out from not eating and in the hospital for my liver because of the pain meds. Though I was hurting and slowly falling apart nothing seemed real. I felt as if this would all soon be over and I would have gone through all of this for nothing.  Amoriartii would take me back and everything would be fine.  I can't wrap my head around being discarded the way I was.  I have been there for everything through everything. How could I be so replaceable? The fact that I just can't remove them from my life means their presence still lingers and won't let me heal the way I need to. Like stab wounds in my back it just festers. The pain moved into my bones causing my body to ache.  Like when the bitter cold sets in for the winter and you can never seem to be warm enough.  It plays the vertebrae of my spine like a torturous piano. My back feels like it's trying to close wounds, willing them to forcefully heal. The tension it carries around feels like 50 pounds on my back.  Still I can't take the steps to move on yet.  I need closure and am at lost of where to find it. It's true I've been hurting for some reason or another the whole time we were together. It felt like we were never together and I was actually always alone for the 3 years.  They were never really with me.  But even knowing all that I hurt. I will never get the time back and I can't go back and undo what's been done. After all this the pain moved to my chest not quite my heart but my lungs. With every breath I struggled against a rib cage crushing pain.  This pain that came up everytime I herd or saw their name.  It subsided for about a month as I had work to do and did not have the time to think about them but it came back with a vengeance with the slight mention of them.  I find myself reeling like it just happened yesterday. The wounds are fresh as ever. The pain intensifies as the day grows ever closer that I will have to face them in person. I am no where near ready and the thought brings me great anxiety. What will I say? What will they say? Will we pretend like nothing has happened?  Or will we talk? The not knowing is almost as bad as the hurt itself. All my friends are like a dodged bullet and that we we're never right for each other.  If we where never right I'd rather be wrong. I feel like I just lost one of the great loves of my life and with feelings that strong how could they be wrong? I keep listening to the same songs on repeat that resonate with my pain. It is like my pain in an auditory form that is pleasant to the ear. With every breath that I fight to take I sing these songs sobbing in the shower. I scream a lot because cathartic and releases a lot of what's pent up.  I wish I could bring my self to say their name and not break down.  But between the screams and the tears I'll be here calling their name out in the darkness until they come back to me. I once thought that I had nothing associated with them but my conference are empty and emotionally unfulfilling with out them as I found it this year at Creating Change. I'm not crashing the way I normally do because Amoriartii wasn't there.  Part of me is happy that they weren't there because I had other emotional things to deal with. But my emotional needs weren't met. I don't think I will ever feel the same about conferences as I have in the pass because my feelings are so tied to them.  I will never be able to look at them the same way and I guess that's what I want and need.  Right now I look at them with so much romantic love but I need to move to a place where my feelings for them are platonic. This will effect how much I get emotionally out of conferences. I get that people change and stay the same at the same time but I wasn't ready for how Amoriartii's change would heavily directly impact my life. All I can do is try to breath through it but it feels like there are a ton of bricks on my chest. So each breath os a fight. A struggle to resist breakdown.

Skittles: Because we all could use a little more pain

I'm went to New York City this weekend to run away from my heart.  I wanted to be with someone I liked and who might like me back. Lovely has been sending me weird signals lately so I decided to go for it. I needed some passionate love in my life. Something with spark. That's one thing Lovely and I have, electricity. However, when I round about brought it up they said no.  I didn't want to flat out say I like you and have them say I don't feel the same way.  That would kill me in my fragile state.  But rejection is still rejection even if you bring it up in a non serious way.  I was hoping for a little more than I got. We are very close, very touchy, very lovey dovey but with no feeling behind it on there end.  I don't know why I thought putting myself out there twice in the same month would be a good idea. It just left me feeling more defeated than before.  I'm addicted to complicated, messy, and passionate situations. I fall in love with the other person. The other person never can, will, or ever be capable of loving me back. But for some reason this is how I choose to live. I'm prisoner to a way of living that is ultimately emotionally empty and cold. I need to learn to love and live simply or I may always  be in  some sort of pain.  Never being wanted the way I want to be wanted. I just have to let go of my addiction, and work on me.  I am leaving New York just as empty handed as I came.

Skitt: don't catch me

When you fall I'll be there to catch you she says endearingly. Everyone deserve someone to catch them when they fall. Don't catch me.  If a time comes and I am going to fall apart, let me fall. Let my hit rock bottom, booldy and beaten from the fall. Bones broken from the landing.  Let me fall so I feel the pain, so I have will the wounds.  I will need to learn from the constant anguish. I will have the earned the physical reminders that scar my body. I will need to be a survivor, a fighter.  Help piece me back together, teach me to walk again but do not catch me or I'll never learn how to get up.

Skittles: no more, maybe

Amoriartii has broken up with. Not saying we were ever officially together but they have end whatever we did have. There is a surprising lack of emotional reaction from me. I expected to be broken, shattered really. But I feel slightly annoyed at best. I feel like my body is in shock and just can't deal with what should feel like a huge tragedy. All my dreams and then amended dreams have been nixed. I have been cast aside by email. Yes, this exchange took place via email. I asked a simple question and somehow got dumped. I just can't believe this is happening because no one understands them like I do. We can talk with out words. We have a love that everyone can see, even our partners. Felix saw it the moment they met me me. I think it is this disbelief  and shock that prevents me from reacting appropriately. I don't think I am ready to move on yet. This love has been more like an addiction and now I am suppose to quit cold turkey? I wrote a post where I knew that we were never meant to last and that I would have to let go eventually, but I was talking a couple of years from now. My biggest issues is how could they just let me go like they don't care about me at all? It all seems so easy for them to say I can't love you, I don't love you. But I know they do. Everyone but them knows they love me. Its in the way they talk to me, the way they hold me, the way they look at me. But I have agreed to this madness.  I even pulled out of their life, kind of. I use to visit them every month just to see them and spend time with them. Now I will see them every six months or so just like I see all of my other out of state friends. Just like all of my other friends, but we aren't friends we never have been friends. I don't know how to just be friends with them. This is bullocks. I am just so surprised that after three years of yes, no, yes, no, maybe, okay yes, that we are back at no. And that I am not in a ball on the floor. I don't think I will handle this well by any means but so far so good, so maybe. I don't think it will hit me until I see them and can't kiss them. I can't hold them. I can't love them. Then if that happens I will proceed to fall to pieces. But we are the type of people to say one thing and then do a completely different thing. So this looks like the end but we'll see. I see them in briefly in January. If life is different I will mourn. But if things are the same I will just be very confused. I am betting on confused. Not because I don't want to hurt but I honestly can't believe it's over. How did we get here, when did we cross the bridge? When did our love become water under that bridge? (and can we please go back and pretend we didn't)

Skit: [Trans]formations

I went to go see a performance about, for, and by trans and non binary people. It was amazing to see issues that are not talked about come to the surface. The harmful culture of policing other members of the community and passing judgment on the already persecuted on whether they really are legitimate enough to hold space in the community. It adressed that body dysphoria doesn't end just because you have body conformation surgery.  The messaged it preached was a familiar one of live your own truth, with the component of we are human beings not human doings. All we have to do is be our truth in any way we can/ feel safe to do so and that is enough.  The play is presented with the actors completely naked for most of the performance. Which to me screams body positivity and body confidence.  Those to things I find plague the queer community as a whole but does especially impact the trans non binary community. I feel by doing that then addressing topics such as physical transition and dysphoria it show a journey or a path that others can take to come to accept their bodies too. What the performance really left me with is questions.  Are we better off with lables and genders? It seems as much as it gives us identity it divides us and creates room for hate.  If we had you, me, we, and names would we be better off.  Language fails us when it comes to explaining the human experience and often does more harm than good. What would it be like not to have gender stereotypes and expected roles? To be able to express yourself without limitations. I want to move towards a world where we at least recognize that gender for the most part is a performance we put on for others to relay information on how we would like to be treated  and addressed with out having to ask.  But I think it would be better to ask. Then we wouldn't have to preform for others we could just do what felt right even if it contradicted how we identified. [Trans]formations is a must see show with many layers and a lot to digest in an hour and a half. It brings real lives to the stage and put them out there for us to confront. I will go see it again because I am sure there is more I can learn.

Skittles: not getting to it

I did write a post-election post but the other topics that I said I was going to write about I'm just not feeling.  Trump has won and I need a break from life for the next four years. I'll continue to write things when the inspiration grabs me. Today is not one of those days.

Skit: my dad's state of the union

Today I cried as the only county I have ever known voted that it hated me, my family, and my friends. My depression didn't need this and I wonder if I will be strong enough to make it the next four years. This morning was a morning of death and despair as many trans youth and LGBQ folks took thier lives in feas of the months to come. I'm scared too but not as much as my Muslim friends or my undocumented friends. I have two parents that love me.  Hate Hillary but love me.  They did not vote for Trump they voted for Hillary because they don't want me to go through the horrors of conversion therapy. They don't want me to be lynched. They want me to be all that I can be with my disability. They don't want me to be just someone's wife. They want someone to be my husband, wife, or spouse. They hate Hillary but were educated enough to know that a vote for trump meant a death sentence for their child.  I don't know how any relative of a latinx, POC, LGBTQ, disabled, or Muslim person could have voted for Trump. How do you expect us to sit next to you and eat dinner like you don't hate us in a few weeks? I cried when I told my dad my county hates me.  He said it was never my county to begin with and it has always hated you and feared you. They chained you up but still you broke the shakles. They beat you and killed you and still you thrived. They set entire systems up to make sure you fail and still you succeed. They hate us because they can not break us. They may try and try again but it is our duty to come out the the other side stronger. President Trump may beat me, in prison me, and torture me.  But it is in my blood to survive. My love for my community is stronger than his hate.  We will rise up.  We will persevere. We will do more than just live we will thrive.

Skittles: all the side eye

When you're boyfriend forgets that you exist.
Situation: I go to a party or an event on a day I don't normally see cyborg. I invite cyborg days before hand.
Same Situation: cyborg goes to an event or party on a day we don't normally see each other. I find out about it the day of because he's already there without me.

Skittles: is it good to have feelings

My heart is black, blue, and purple from you. There are so many stitches in it you can't see the orginal skin any more.  Scar tissue is all that's left from poison arrows. But some how it still beats. Just for you and no one else. This is love. This is abuse.  I miss you when you're gone but you hurt me when we're too close. You're the tall glass of water I need, dying of thirst. Then I fuck around and drown on just a sip. I know you wanted me to tell you when this started to hurt me and the truth is it's been hurting me from the beginning. We come so far but at what cost? Turst, honesty, integrity? I can't even be honest with you when I'm completely gone. I don't remember what I said but I know it was nothing of consequence. Choking and always at a lost of words around you, which is unbelievable because you are so easy for me to talk to about everything else. I look at you the way Barack looks at Michelle, and I just want you to look at me the Biden looks at Obama but I can't even get that close. I guess I have to stop loving who I want you to be and love you for the stabs in the dark that sometimes miss my heart and manage to somehow hurt more. I've loved you through it all and I know that doesn't count for anything but I wish it meant something to you. I wish I meant something to you.  You can say I do but you never show it. You know I would jump off a cliff for you without you even having to ask.  Your kisses make my heart skip a beat. Your love makes my heart want to stop beating. I don't think I can continue. Not because I don't love you but you will never love me. I don't want to wake up feeling used. I don't want to be like everyone else. Fun for a moment, friends if you have the time,  acquaintances if they're lucky. I don't want to have to burn this bridge for I've never met anyone like you and I doubt I ever will. But it is literally this love or my life. I can't love anyone else while I'm in love with you.  I've tried but I've only gotten comfortable and that's not love.  I can't let anyone love me while I am over here wondering if you will ever let your feelings for me be.  At the same time watching you complicate the love of your life something that you don't want. If you wanted me too you could have just said so. Now is not the time. I feel like a lust filled fantasy that you won't want once you have. You look at Felix like you've never seen a person before. I watch you marvel at him and I die. Not because of jealousy but for the simple reason that you've never seen me. He can have the spotlight I just want to be noticed every once in awhile. You turn to him when your hurting even when he's not there and I am. I can't blame you for having your walls I have mine too.  My walls keep me from saying these words to you.  They hold my tears back. They force a smile but mine don't lie. I know this has to end but it will be years before I build the strength to leave you.  Even through it all,  in the thick of it your so important to me and I'm attached. Do me a favor if you love like you say do let me go I can't leave on my own. If you wake up and realize you don't care and you just been toying with me let me go. If you see anything at all, see all the pain that this has caused me.  This is killing me. I'm drowning and I keep weighing myself down and getting deeper. I know you might care but you really don't give a dam about me if you haven't noticed I've been slowly drowning in my love for you.

Skittles: I'm getting to it

I am going to write about the 2016 election. I'm going to write about that bumper sticker kicking the rainbow flag. I'm going to write about what I learned at sex down south. Just not today. I will write all of this before the 8th. So it's coming but I'm lazy.

Skitt: the continental-ish series

As a Chicagian I feel like I should congratulate my city on winning the World Series. ( even though it's really not a World Series it's competition between mostly American teams and one Canadian team) Basically a national series. The Chicago Cubs won after not wining since 1908. I am a proud Chicagian, just a little bit cynical because the World Series has messed up my work commute for the pass two weeks.  I'm so happy that it's over. Go Chicago!

Skit: activist have lives too

I am writing this post because this is something I regularly forget.  I feel like as an activist I have a job or go to school then I do my activism and that's my life.  That is not the case and it is not the case of any activists I work with.  We started off my Latinx meeting with my friend walking in the door saying "I'm in a good mood because I got banged." We responded "Yas!" as queerly as possible. We just talked and caught up for about an hour before we got down to business.  Not talking about our other projects or work but our lives.  Like going to a football game and dressing up for Halloween.  We are all in relationships so we obviously talked about our partners. But no talk of accolades or awards we were receiving. Just being normal people for once.  I think that we forget that we are normal people where time is such a valuable commodity now we don't take the time to just talk. We come together do the work and forget that we've made a friend in the process. Another living breathing human. Activist are very close to real life super heros. We do amazing incredible work for the community for  free. We definitely held the higher stranders because we are expected to do more. We start expecting more from ourselves and lose our personess. Which is why I often forget when I'm at a meeting that we are people.  Yes I'm in the room with many noteworthy people for doing amazing things but they are still people.  I am still a person.  I have friends, a social life,  a lovely partner, ect. I'm more than my work and I can share that with my fellow activist because they probably want to relax for a second and just talk.  The struggle of forgetting that I'm a person and I don't have to be on all the time.

Skittles: wine night

I do this thing with a couple of friends. We plan out a night to have some one on one on three time.  Its me a close friend and a 3 bottles of wine or a handle of hard liquor. Before we go to sleep we must to the best of our ability drink it all. Now my liver hates me for this.  And I will probably need a new liver before I turn 30. But health consequences and potential for alcoholism aside it is a great thing. No two nights are the same. It's a great stress relief. It leaves me feeling good for the most part. My stomach always feels like I've put it through a blender but except for that I always feel good.  Last night's wine night was with Gypsy Warrior. We listened to music, sang,  and spilled T. I feel like I lose myself to the night. Give in to letting go and it is the time I'm most present. I shirk responsibilities because I need time for myself. I plan these way in advance and I don't let other things come in the way of my bonding time.  That's what I really think it is I think that I self-care and get to bond with somebody in a way that I don't normally get to do in social setting. Wine nights are intimate and personal. Something we don't make enough time for now a days. One of the prerequisites of wine night is honesty and vulnerability. You have to put yourself out there talk about what has really been on your mind. The good part is you're talking to someone you trust and you know loves you. A wine night consist of two people who have a loving strong trusting relationship and booze. It's not easy to open up no matter how much you know the person. Often times you know that they will react positively it's still hard to say. That's where the alcohol comes in.  It's hard to drink with closed lips. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and boost your confidence which is sometimes all you need to get stuff of your chest.  Trust me after a month my chest feels heavy and after wine night I feel light and understood. I would recommend that everybody find a variation of wine night.  Maybe something healthier, you come over and eat vegetables together.  Being able to care for yourself with the support of someone else is amazing. Then you get to turn around and support someone you love.  Both indescribable great feelings. The last component of wine night is sleeping over.  Wine night means mandatory cuddling and spooning when you inevitably pass out. Its a great way to spend a night in with a friend that has high personal yield. Treat yourself to a wine night.

Skittles: Midas Touch

Slowly turning everyone in my life queer and polyamorous.

Skittles: I've been living in my emotions.

Since I found out I am not the one Amoriartii wishes to wed I've been stuck. I'm in between excited joy and utter despair. The love that they have for Felix and I is inspiring. It's so bright it's consuming. So even when I am hurting the love makes me want to stay. But this time I think I've fallen too deep into the pain to ever come back. I don't know how many times I'm going to say this but I have anxiety and depression. I have feelings so strong they defy my very logical brain. A side of you which you all have yet to see. This blog has actually been a snapshot of my mental health through the years.  But I digress. When they said to me that they were going to marry Felix in two years my first thought was I have to be there to document it. I was very drunk. As I sobered up I had a minor panic attack, followed by an uncontrollable crash. I sobbed for an hour unable to move, unable to stop, unable to seek help. The only reason I stopped was because I was interrupted by Amoriartii. I don't know why this hurts me to my core but it does. I'm want to feel happiness for my love's love and I do on some levels. But for the most part I see this as our end. I know that in polyamory the progression of one relationship has nothing to do with another or whether or not it continues. With how I feel now and where I'm at right now I can not continue to love them. The thought alone hurts too much. However, I don't remember what it's like not to be in love with them and I think I will feel empty with out it.  I do remember what the pain of love lost feels like though, and I'm not at a place where I'm strong enough to deal with that. I have time.  Precious time to learn to be stronger, to love their love, to fill empty spaces in my heart with self love. I want that to be what happens because those are the only livable options. Everything else has a deathly finality to it. I knew from the start that one way or another this love would take my life, but I had hoped in other ways. No matter, our love story would make one hell of a blockbusters with a awesome soundtrack.  We are one for the ages. A love that grew in the darkness to overcome it. A love that keeps bringing us back to one another. A love that I could pick out of crowed. Timeless though finite. A love that is unexplainable from the outside the intelligible from inside. Simply XO

Skit: beyond the education of the Sex down south conference

This weekend I attended a conference called Sex Down South in Atlanta from Thursday to Saturday. I learned a lot of educational information that I will share in a different post, but every conference has a social aspect and that's what I want to talk about.  I stayed with Amoriartii, Love Lace (who I refer to as lovely in desert dreams), and two other friends who shall not be named. All of us stayed in one a 2 double bed hotle room. So we were cozy to say the least but still remarkably comfortable. Despite being literally on top of each other all the time we never felt like our personal space was being invaded or that we lacked the space for me time. We were able to honor each other and our space with out making rules but just simply constantly considering everyone else.  From checking in when we would undress to speaking up for our own emotional and personal needs. There was so much love in the room even though everyone did not personally know everyone at the beginning. We quickly developed a cannon and repor fostered by genuine respect. We had the ability to feel comfortable calling each other out, teasing one another,  and being vulnerable. I think that this phenomenon that keeps accruing with similar values but different feel is what I like most about conference and creates an emotional high for me.   To be loved and be able to love while being myself in a stressful but enjoyable situation is what happens at every conference I attend. And my body doesn't know how to react when it is ultimately over in 3-5 days.  This is what I've been calling post conference depression. Because in my opinion I've actually been high for 3 days off of and excess of positive brian chemicals. My brain over produces things like serotonin, oxytocin, plus a lot of endorphins because I'm constantly simulating it in a good way. And when the conference is over and everyone leaves the stimulus is gone.  It's like quitting anything addictive cold turkey, you immediately go through withdrawal and depression. All the laughing is gone. The physical contact, hugs and cuddles, is over.  The verbal reminders of that you are loved and cared for stop. I was told I was loved and that they loved me every day and even if you are the type of person who doesn't put much stock in words still being told everyday multiple times a day that you are loved starts to get to you. There was a pain in my chest when I got home like I had just had my heart broken. It hurts and you seek out comfort because no one wants to be in pain.  I could drink I could do drugs but instead I choose to reach out to my hotel room mates to see how they were doing. Low and behold all of them were hurting too but to talk to each other made it a little better.  This is all to say that we all felt it and now are all missing each other. Are connection is real and when broken has physical and emotional consequences. Which blows my mind because we were together for such a short time. But in that time we did something I consider radical and that is honestly accept, respect, and loved one another.

#sds

Skittles: when butterflies swarm

I've been waiting.  3 years I've known you and I've waited.  I've been there I've been the good friend. I've worried and I'm still scared. You terrify me and every fiber of my being still loves you.  So now my heart is breaking because you aren't choosing me.  I know you are making the right choice. But doing the right thing hurts too sometime. I don't want this to let our love die because it doesn't need to.  Forever can look like many things besides a ring. But I'd be lying if I said I'm fine I'm not the one getting the ring.  In the dark I will cry. I the light I will smile because I am happy for you.  My heart is filled with joy for you.  You have been all that I've loved. And you might be all that I will love. But before we cross the bridge. Before you take a leap of faith and start a new chapter without me. Kiss me one last time. Before I turn the lights out give me your everything one more time.  Give me one last moment of us before I close this chapter. Love me one more  time before the fire burns outs. You are all that my heart can see. It kills me but these lights are going out.  So quickly. Just once more. Kiss me. Kiss me goodbye

Skittles: Desert dreams

I just want to drive all night. Not going anywhere not on way to or away from anything.  I just want to be with you on the road.  Nothing but red sand as far as the eyes can see.  When we run out of gas we'll walk under billions of stars. Be here with me and the stars. Its just you and me.  No time no place to be. I want to be present with you in our love. Distance means so little when we're so close.  I won't let anything come between us. Never give up and I'll never let you go. You're too high for me to ever let you down. Drive Drive Drive and don't look back. Hang on to how we feel right now, to who we are in this moment because we will never be the same again. When we blink it will be over. We have to enjoy the ride. Let the fire burn on but don't let the smoke fade. When this is over all we will have is the ashes for memories. We are one breath away from going too far but so many words away from the edge. The darkness holds the magic key. All you have to do is agree to be here with me. Just for moment.  For our forever.

An important letter to Amoriatii

An adaptation:
Amoriatii,
     This is so hard for me to write because I've been avoiding bringing this question to you for so long. Is this relationship healthy and is it working for us? I know we said we would stop if it starts to hurt one of us, but the truth is I don't want to stop. I am desperately holding on to hope for a future for us. I know I don't know the answer to either of those questions and that is scary. Or maybe I do know the answer and because I don't like it, I refuse to acknowledge it. Either way it pains me to question our relationship. I question it because I want more. Because I have lost trust in you. Because the odds are not in our favor. I have sat for three years by your side loving you quietly and passively. I could have continued to do so for the rest of my life. But you brought your feelings to me, and I am glad you did, and my world changed. Suddenly there was a chance. You inadvertently gave me hope. In the past all I had were evanescent moments of bliss followed by hurt and heartbreak. In the past, I have never talked to you about feeling hurt. I just push you away and don't talk to you. Then after awhile you apologize, sometimes not knowing what to even be sorry for, and we move on like nothing has happened. That is my fault. That has to change. I need to talk about all of my feelings with you. The good the bad and the ugly. The emotional manipulation also has to stop. It hasn't happened lately, but I can't allow it to happen in the future. You know I love you and you can't take advantage of that. That's not okay because it leaves me feeling used. If we can both change I will do whatever I can to save this relationship. I love you Amoriatii and this relationship is a priority in my life. But if it's not good for my recovery I will have to let you go. That will break my heart, but I need to do what's best for me and I know you will support that.
xoxoxoxoxoxo,

J. Skittles 

Skittles: while I was in recovery

While I was in recovery for my depression, I wrote Amoriartii almost every day for the first two weeks. Mostly about how I was adjusting and any struggles I may have encountered. After that I got lazy and comfortable. There wasn't much to write that I hadn't said not already said. I thought about sharing all the letters with all of you, but like I said above, I am very lazy and I honestly don't think you would enjoy all of them. I am going to publish one tomorrow. It is probably the most important letter I wrote to them and I didn't have the courage to send it. Not in its entirety. 

I also wrote one letter to my boyfriend Cyborg. When he finally got it, he wanted to talk about it in person. However, I avoid things that make me uncomfortable, like the plague so I wanted to talk about it over the phone where I would be safe. He insists on having the conversation in person which just makes me not want to have it at all. So after the letter I may or may not share what transpires between Cyborg and I.

I know I haven’t been writing much not for lack of things happening, but for lack of words to say. I use this blog to process my life when I can’t do it in my mind. I’ve been getting better at internal processing things and I have a boyfriend who helps me externally talk thing out. This blog might undergo some changes after the presidential election. For fear not I will have a lot to say about the presidential debates. After that though I might need to make some adjustments.

Skit: slow motion

My brain moves faster than my life. I'm ready for March 2017 but it's not even August 2016 yet. I've already thought through the brake ups, the make ups, and the heartbreak. I think I'm going to pose a serious question to Amoriartii in February that will either move us forward or end us. I'm going to ask them if they could ever life me the way I love them. If the answer is yes I'll wait. I'll wait because every love song reminds me of them and sets my soul on fire. I love them in one of those non verbal spiritual ways where my soul recognizes theirs as my equal and other half. To the moon and back. Till the rivers run dry. Till the mountains move. Pass the ending of worlds. However, if the answer is no I'm going to ask them to break my heart. That's the only way I can get over them. My heart needs to be broken so it can be made again anew. I'm going to need them to tell me they don't love me and never will and mean it, because I know when they lie. My heart will break so incredibly loud, it will probably shatter me. But I will need this. I will live some how and find another to love after a lot of healing. Years of healing.  But like I said it's only August and I have quite a few things to deal with this month. Such as my month long hiatus. Where I will write but I won't post anything until September. I need to decided if I want to stay with Cyborg. He loves me so much but do I feel the same? I also need to do school things, which is always so much fun. Plenty to keep me busy until then. I'll see you all in September.

Skitt: A train ride, A silent movie.

We ride the trian in silence.
Not becuase we're upset,
we just don't have anything to say.
That's fine I guess.
But I've never run out of words before.
It's an odd feeling.
Like running out of time,
it leaves you feeling empty.
I've noticed myself feeling empty a lot lately.
Even when I'm with Cyborg.
I try not to read to much into it,
but it's my nature.
I don’t expect anyone to make me feel full.
But I don't know if a person can leave you feeling empty.
I keep telling myself its just me,
becuase it probably is.
I run away from things that are good for me.
I get bored and move on instead of trying to make it fun again.
Cyborg bores me.
That's not his fault.
I should try harder to be fun.
There are many things that I want to do that we haven't done.
We should do them.
Or I could do them by myself.
I think that's my debate.
Whether I want to be empty by myself or alone togther.
I feel like I'm riding the train with a stranger.
But if I wanted to rest my head I could,
and that perk is nice.
We don't talk so much anymore, Cyborg and I.
I think a lot that I don't say.
Half becuase I'm afraid of his reaction,
half becuase I don't want him to know.
I don’t want him to know how sad I am.
Or my lack of will to live.
I don't want him knowing my drive is dead and gone
and I'm left merely existing.
I thought about telling him something.
I was going to tell him
I come up with little things to want
to give me some reason to go on.
I deemed it to sad and to true
so I let him go on and complain about dinner
as if it wasn't one of those little things that actually matter.
As if I was happy we had dinner.
As if I was happy.
I'm going away for a month and I'm going to see if I want to be empty and alone
or if I'm just sad
This could be one of my last silent train rides.
I think we both know that if we stay the course
it most certainly will be.
But I'm the one only one who can fix us.
I have to be the one to change.
Maybe I'll say something.
Or maybe I'll enjoy my peaceful train.

Skitt: it might be my only chance

I am taking a leave of absence in August due to my health.  I won't have to work or go to school. All I have to do is try to get better. I won't be able to see my friends and I have a strict visitation list that some of my family will be on.  I'll be gone for a month with limited internet access. So I'll write but I probably won't get a chance to upload anything until September. With all this time to foucus on myself I have a once in a lifetime chance to get over amoriartii.  I will have all this time to foucus on me without any way to contact them.  I desperately want to give us a chance.  I've waited 3 years for this. But it is killing me. The problem is I don't if we be togther before limbo kills me.  If we aren't I need to take this opportunity. But I know I haven't given limbo enough time. I gave us pretending not to have feelings for each other 3 years.  Its only been 6 months.  I know I'm in a rush and quick too act but it's only becuase I really want this. Having to let it go would be hard and excruciatingly painful. But holding on means I will never get a chance to get over them in one fail swoop so quickly ever again. I need to decide if my temporary unhappiness and future pain, if I choose wrong, is worth the chance at a possible life time of happiness.

Skitt: Unsteady

I'm falling.  I'm failing.  I need help.
Disappointment fills the air. Mother I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted me to be.
 Father you can't talk to me.
 I've been alone all my life in this broken disfunctional family.
You can't come to me now.
I've failed.
I'm on the bottom.
I can't get any lower
Will someone help me?
Brother you can do better than me.
Sister be the hero I still need you to be.
If you love me hold me so close and never let me go.
Or let me be free
I'm tired
I'm bloody
I'm dying.
Will anyone save me?
Friends I've betrayed you.
Love I've hurt you.
I know you're all fed up of trying.
Stop fighting me.
If you knew me you'd let me go.
If you know me you should save my life. Hold on to me I'm too close to the egde and I'm a little unsteady.

Skit: San Francisco Pride 2016

I went to San Fan pride this year and forgot to write about it.  The parade was way to long and boring. I honestly like Chicago's better. However San Francisco pride fest after the parade is on some other level type stuff. If you have ever been to a EDM music fest its like that but Queer. Everyone smells like weed. There are rainbows everywhere. There are also a good amount of naked or basically nude people. The music is your standard club music at the main stage but you can find other varieties at the other stages. You can get laid if that's what you're looking for. There is no shortage of or liquor to be bought. All in all I would recommend.

What made this one different is Orlando of course. To see all these people out being who they are loving how they want was powerful. To be there with only other POCs was even better.  To say that I went with only POCs. It was moving to be at San Francisco's city hall on the steps kissing my friend under a rainbow. It was crazy and intense and a rejuvenating moment. I felt that there was hope.

Black lives still matter

In the wake of two shootings and lynching ( yes there was a hanging in  Piedmont Park and nobody herd about it. The media buried it) my father called me. He said in short do  what you can to keep yourself safe becuase "I don't want to bury my child." He knows I'm an activist and he literally beg me to stop.  He is fed up with the way things are and agrees marching and protesting bring about change. But I'm his only child and as much as he wants me to go out and change the world he wants me alive. This is a very serious conversation black families continuously have to have. This world has been built upon our back. The American dream is one we help provide, not one we get to enjoy. Your life matters but is also seen as worthless and a threat. When I was little my dad would say my beautiful black girl you are magic.  You are a queen.  They fear you. They envy you. They hate you.  They will try to hurt you, to kill you.  You are greater than thier hate because you are black.  You are a black girl and you are a magical queen. I didn't understand until Trevon Martin. I thought I was going to break my heart hurt so much when he was murdered. Yet I before you remain unbroken. Beaten and bloody but unbroken. I will continue to have black lives matter talks until my chest no longer draws breath. I will continue to protest even when I can't walk, for I will have a wheelchair and a younger person will push me.  But for now I will rest.  I am tried and my father doesn't want to bury his child. I have tears I need to cry and screams that are clogging my throat. I will do what I can to stay safe when I can't call the police, can't defend myself, and can't trust my fellow man. I will do what I can where I can't be queer,  I can't be black, I'm not female but that doesn't stop me from facing the oppressions that come with a female body, plus having a disability. I ask that we do what we can to keep each other safe and in community. Reach out to each other with love. It will be the only way we can make it through this.  Love is what keeps me going and keeps me unbroken. If I do continue to do one thing it will be provide support through love. So if you can't march or protest, love someone who can.  Be there for them. #blacklivesmatter

Daily struggles

So when ever my boyfriend Cyborg, who is white,  ask me about my meeting or events I attend I'm always very tempted  to say a POC meeting where we planned to take back from white people. You know switch it up. Since you are  actually the minority actually make you feel like it.  But I'm too much of an activist so he might take me seriously

Daily struggles

Having your brain not know what to do with itself becuase you forgot to take your anti depressants for the pass two days.  -_-  I feel gross and strange, kind of like an out-of-body thing.  Moral of the stroy: take your meds appropriately.  #lgbtqthearapy

Skit: pride fest 2016

This year I did not dance till my feet turned blue. I did not go out after. I did not stay the whole day.  I did not drink. I did not volunteer. I did not go both days.  Part of me feels like I didn't get the whole experience. Dancing until my feet are buried feels like it honors the people before me that marched until thier feet were bloody to get basic rights. Rights that we now take for granted and the pain reminds me this isn't a party it's a riot. I go out after to celebrate and eat and just to keep the feelings of camaraderie going.  I don't want to let go of that feeling of community. I didn't drink becuase I couldn't for unrelated reasons. I didn't volunteer becuase I didn't have the time this year. Working in DC and then traveling means I don't have the time for my Chicago projects. I do feel an emptines from doing it "wrong". I did see my friends I did bond with new friends. I still felt like I belonged  and suprisingly I felt safe. With my whole community around me I felt safe and comfortable. There was still a lot of sadness since it's only been a week after Orlando. However we were happy and dancing.  To be able to carry on showed me the resilience of each and every one of us has. A resilience I didn't know I had.  This weekend was not what it should have been but it was exactly what I needed.  I haven't been in a queer space not focused on Orlando since it happened and to get up and try to return to normal was a big step. I am going to try to do better next we at San Francisco pride but this was a good first step.

Daily struggles

The disrespectful things I would tweet when frustrated or sleepy is the reason why J skittles doesn't have a twitter. Like today it took my dad 40 minuets make a 15 minuet drive. It was also 1 in the morning so I was feeling my oats sitting there waiting like I'm the dam queen of England and Kate is late getting me from the airport. I had no nice words. 

Daily struggles

My Facebook is no longer filled with post about Orlando. I am so happy about it that I feel guilty.  The sadness comes in waves but I mostly feel guilty about avoiding it or not dealing with it.

Daily struggles

Having to remind my straight friends to check on their LGBTQ* friends. How can you mourn for Paris but not for your own fellow Americans.

Skit: emocional Orlando

I think I am just starting to grieve for my queer and QPOC family lost in the shooting. I frequent gay clubs and bars. I would say I attend 30 gay bars for every other type of bar I go to.  My siblings do too. Not to that extent but they come with me all the time.  My family could have lost all of its children in one night (all 8 of us). That's terrifying. I will not fall into the trap and blame religion. Religion didn't do this.  Homophobia, poor gun control, terrible gun laws, and a disasters mental health system did this. There have already been threats against LA pride which is happening next week. People are considering not attending pride and the festivals. We are afraid. People who are still in their parents homes aren't being aloud to attend. People worried about coming out are pushed that much farther back in to the closest/ library and can't mourn publicly for the community they are a part of. This shooting has affected way more than 103 people's lives. I find myself constantly reading the list of the dead as it gets updated fearing finding one of my friends on the list. I have already had friends find friends on the list and thier pain is unimaginable. I hurt with them.  Knowing I will never get a chance to meet a great person not for chance but because of hate. The world has gotten a little emptier and our hearts a little heavier. I will find ways to heal from this atrocity. I just hope my comunity finds away to stand up to fear and come togther for the rest of this month. That we stand together united for once and stay that way forever.

Skit: Orlando

Let's be very clear.  This was a hate crime. A person came into the club with a gun and just ended 50 lives becuase he hated the LGBTQ community. He injured and traumatized 53 plus people. He has broken families and hearts.  He has spread fear in a time that is suppose to be about camaraderie, celebration, and rememberance. This is not a broken community. He has not broken us. We are not so easily torn down. We will not stop being who we are becuase people are afriad of us and hate us. We  will take this month back as we have had to take everything we have ever had. This month is rightfully ours. Our rainbow will not yeild to hate or blood shed. Our pride will not yield to fear mongering. We will come together in the wake of this tragedy, the biggest mass shooting in our history ( out side of government sanctioned killings), and emerge that much stronger. We will return to our roots, of pride being a roit not a party. We will have to bring our love to fight the domestic terrorism. We will show the world Love really does win. It has and will continue to.

Daily struggles

My heart doesn't come equipped with seat belts, helmets, or brakes. My only safety is stitches and band-aids. And maybe wise words to stop the bleeding

Daily struggles

If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,
"The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies."
While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,
Crying to the moon,
"If only, If only.

What if the wolf cries to the sad and lonely wanting a love that was never thiers. If only if only.

Skittles: envy

It is especially hard to watch all my friends graduate today and not be amoung them. I feel like a failure and today is definitely a low point of the year.   I want to post pictures, I want to walk across the stage, I want to move on to a new chapter in my life. Being stagnant is much harder than you would think. Taking steps is hard sometimes but standing still feels like a jail sentence. I know there is not much I can do but that fact doesn't give me any comfort. If anything it makes me feel more hopeless being dam near powerless. I am still in school taking classes but I can only handle so many credit hours due to my health. I have this constant feeling that I should be doing better.  I think failing to meet your own expectations is more devastating than failing to mesure up to outsiders expectations. Why it is so hard for me to adjust my goals to my current situation is beyond me. I believe it behooves us to have realistic goals for ourselves.  It helps keep our stress levels down while still providing that self confidence boost when you achive said goal.  So why don't I take my own advice? I think part of me still fundamentally believes that I am better than this and if I just tried harder I would do better.  My consciousness can't wrap its head around the fact that my brain is sick and unbalanced. My brain should be able to tell its self it's sick. Human design flaw in my opinion. I am envious of all my friends off to start thier adult lives. I am extremely jealous and sad that I am not doing that too. But I have to remind myself that I will get there one day.  Not any time soon but one day.  In the mean time my life has all sorts of perks that I would not be able to do if my life was any different. I'm able to travel a lot, spend time with my little brother, and work on a number of activism projects. So I am still working at having a life despite the difficulties. I am able to do things they could not and I don't think I would have traded my life for there's.  I just want to be able to do it all. Is that too much to ask.

Daily struggles

When its a nice day and your boyfriend drags you outside :( but I'm a house cat

Skitt: close

We're both scared and confused
Trying to desperately fight ourselves at every turn
Wasting breath trying to figure out what we already know.
The space is our little safety net
But all we really want is to be dangerous.
I want you close
Skin on skin
Lips on lips.
I just want to be closer than close
Cuz this distance is just to much
I've never been one to run out of words
Or wait patiently
But you have me going crazy
I can't talk
I can't move
If you want my like I want you
Then want me
If I need you like you need me
Then I need you
Can we be honest for just one second
Just for a moment and have two hearts be one
Be that close.

skit: Trauma

I've been thinking about pain and how it manifest itself. Specifically in the LGBT community. I've been wondering if the oppression has lead to mass depression and other mental health issue that seem more prevalent in the queer community than in the normal populous. I have wanted to do research on this for some time and it is a subject of great interest to me despite it not being in my field of study at all. I wonder if other queer people fantasize about cutting themselves even though they know its wrong. I wonder if it is an abnormal amount of people like it seems to be. Or if my life just attracts sadness? I keep finding that the more queer people  I find the more "damaged" people I have in my life. We are like super hero's with tragic back stories each one of us minus the cool powers or money. I've been wondering if our drug problem isn't a drug problem its just a way to numb ourselves of the pain. I don't think we are alcoholics either. I think we are self medicating for hurt that is to complicated for words. A hurt that is easier to drink than it is to say. Rejection, self hatred, religious persecution, bullying, violence, lack of government protection, lack of rights, discrimination, oppression and etc turned in to drinking, partying, drugs, casual sex, mental health issues, eating disorders, self mutilation, and perpetuating hatred within the community. I think we just choose bad coping mechanisms.  We took actions that were already part of our culture and made them part of our self care process. It took something bad that we did in moderation and exacerbated it to the point of a community nightmare. That nightmare continued to grow and then started creating problems of its own. The AIDS epidemic for one. More recently our terrible hook up culture where it seems we all forgot how to love. Our high suicide rates. Our high overdose rates. Why are we hurting ourselves more? It is like we are rapidly bleeding out and nobody is trying to see were all the blood is coming from. Instead we numb ourselves to the pain, which will make pain harder to find and stop. Why isn't anyone trying to figure out where the pain is coming from? I want to be able to point to something and say yes that is where it hurts. If we can figure out where it hurts maybe we can find out why we are hurting in the first place and fix that. Instead of trying to stop drinking or doing drugs lets take away the need for it. Can we let ourselves bleed for one second? We first must rip the band-aid off to begin to actually deal with the trauma.

Skit: the Normal Heart

I know I am very late to the party as this movie was released in 2014 and it's two years later.  I've been busy. Having seen it first thing I want to say is, I'm a Truvada whore for life.  If you don't know what Truvada is its an antiviral for HIV. You take it once a day at the same time every day and it lowers your risk of being infected. Second I have friends living with HIV. I have been there when my friend was diagnosed. He was scared to have it, to tell anyone, and to even talk to me about it. I wasn't. Its not my life, its not my body, I'm only an outsider looking in.  I was never scared for him for one second. I was never going to leave his side. I knew together he, I and the doctors could control this. I knew his life would change but not for the worse. Its been a blessing and a curse. People have left his life because of it and other have entered. It has been a major cash drain and time consumer. I've driven him to doctors appoints and different clinics. I've paid the some of the hundreds of dollars for the medicine. I've seen a boy turn into a man. I watched an activist be born. I have never been prouder of my friend as when he went into HIV/AIDS work to help people who were scared like he was. He is alive and well. We aren't as close as we should be now but I am still in his corner just the same. Third, this was a preventable crisis that everybody had a hand in making worse. The government reacting so slowly, doctors not having what they needed to research it, the LGBT population for not having protected sex, the general population for not having protected sex,  and drug users sharing needles.  With better information and putting preventive measures into practice as of 2014 new infections are down 35% from 2000 . That is not to say that the number of newly infected people are good because they are not. A staggering 2 million people, at least, where newly infected in 2014. About 5,600 people contract HIV every day.  1% of the total global population has HIV and that percent is still steadily climbing. 1% of 7.2 billion is a lot even though it doesn't seem like much when I write it out. But that statistic increases when you look at specif populations, like the LGBT community, black people, and third world countries. Those stats are so terrible I'm not going to write them here but you can look them up on the CDC and UNAIDS. Fourth, it was a great movie. Very well done in my opinion. I am proud of all the white gay male actors that stepped up to be in that movie. I would have liked to see it feature more people of color and how the epidemic effect those gay men differently. However, it was a biographical movie so I can't be that mad because the person who's life it was about probably didn't have that much contact with gay men of color. Still it would have been nice. It is a tear jerker so bring some tissues. This movie can be characterized as a gay movie as it is about gay men getting AIDS. With that said it is probably one of the only gay movies that doesn't suck. It is a good Gay movie with plot and everything. Watch the Normal Heart, it is worth your time. 

Skitt: 7 years

Once I was 7 years old
Rocking myself to sleep,  crying in a corner.
Dreaming of a better life
For when I was older
Once I was 7 years old
Hard-headed and not listening
Ducking when she would swing
Only relaxing when she was missing
Once I was 11 years old
A beautiful flower
In a world of bitter cold
To pretty for my own good
Once I was 11 years old
But I looked much older
Basking in the light
Comes with such a heavy burden to shoulder
Once I was 20 years old
Hoping to live the better life
I dreamed of when I was younger
Finding out life is so much harder
Than the soft edges of a knife
Once I was 20 years old
Living in the night
Plagued by demons
Still dreaming
Everything will turn out right
Soon I'll be 30 years old
I hope my restless soul
Finds some peace by then
Still working towards my goal
Of living a better life than its been
Soon I'll be 30 years old
Will my soul find peace
Or will I have the fight
To achieve my goal
Will I ever be 30 years old?
Once I was 7 years old
Rocking myself to sleep,  crying in a corner
Once I was 7 years old

Daily struggle

So we are in California which notoriously dry and known for forest fires. Myfriend cigarette caused the bush next to me to catch on fire all of a sudden. We quickly put it out.  After we were done panicking I said " I'm glad we put that out quickly before it started talking and got biblical"

Dos & Non 2016

Today is day of silence and tonight is night of noise.  I talked all day and I do not feel bad about it becuase today is for privilege people to shut the hell up.  By being quiet you can not only hear the voices that they're the normally talking over but notice the large amount of people being silenced. I say this every year if you're privileged and queer shut the hell up. If your not queer shut up.  Remember privilege is institutional advantage but also situational advantages. You can have more privilege in some situations and less in others. So where as I would be a privileged queer person I was surrounded by straight people.  So I get to talk.  I would like to reflect on when I was in high school and it was a big deal.  I liked it because I thought I was making a difference but I didn't really grasp intentions Day of Silence.  I didn't know about the murders, suicides, and I didn't know about conversion therapy.  I didn't know all of the violent ways people are silenced. I literally just thought about how we are not given a voice and not represented. It it's still hard for me to fully wrap my mind around all the different ways people manage to hurt other people for being who they are. I don't think I will ever understand it until I experience it firsthand. I don't think it is one of those things you can read our hear about and then know it.  I believe it has to effect someone you care about or you personally to understand what it is like for you to be told you and your voice don't matter.  Then you have to imagine that you represent an entire minority, and those people and thier voice doesn't  matter.  The world doesn't care if they are dead or alive. Then imagine all those graves. I can't. I've seen many war cemeteries. I've seen graves by the thousand and I can't imagine being one of them. Or one of those graves being my friends, let alone imagine all of those people being some kind of queer. Dead for just being queer.  Cemeteries are so silent, it's too loud. That's what I think today and tonight are suppose to be.  I think that the silence supposed to make you think and the noise is to make others think. When I was in high school night of noise was a time for me to party with all of my friends and be who we are with other people like us. I respect that part.  There are not many opportunities for queer people to come together in public and build that camaraderie, or feel that sense of community. I just wonder what did the people passing by think of our noise? Was it deafening? Can they feel the pain that runs deeper that than the hate? Do they know what we've lost? Do they care?  Do we know?  Do we care?

Skit: Bronx Cunt Tour

My friend and movement teacher Nic Kay, star and maker of lilBLK is on tour with said show.  First off I pray that they bring it back to Chicago becuase I need to see it again.  I know I raved and went on about it but it really is that good.  The tour has taken Nic all over the world and they have been documenting not only thier experience on the road but really what lilBLK means to them and how it came into existence in the first place.  You can watch episodes of this via OpenTv. I was at the premier of the first two episodes in the series and it was exactly what I was expecting. Nic never disappoints. You get to here from Nic themself about this evolutionary process that led to the show. We are right thier dissecting the show post conception and premier with Nic. Nic and the audience go over the show after it has already happened so we get to experience some of the same things Nic is experiencing by analyzing it and all the things that led up to it.  Even if you haven't seen the show it's a series worth watching for the simple fact that it highlights the process of which black gender non-conforming arist make art. Its very unique, informative, interesting and entertaining. Also watch it becuase I love my friend Nic and you should too :p Again another amazing piece by Nic and I can't wait to see what the rest of the series brings. #lilBLK

Daily struggles

I am a master at playing with fire I have the burns to prove it.

Daily struggles

Still need to write this dam paper

Daily struggles

4 hours later still 4 hours away. Almost home just slightly futher south than I should be.  Might still make class.  Definitely making work

Daily struggles

Being in the wrong state 12 hours before class with a 6 hour tavel minimum. Will I get to class today?  Will I get to work today? Find out in this series of daily struggles

Skitt: Yes I'm feeling 22

I didn't want to do that.  It's cliché. But Cyborg liked it so we are rolling with it. 

I'm another year older but I don't know if I'm any wiser or stronger for it. I feel stagnant. I did accomplish a number of great things with all the organizations I work with.  I traveled around the world to learn that life in cities of what Americans consider 3rd world countries isn't much different from the life I live. People are people and you can find something in common with almost anyone. I've traveled across the country to find that my reflection looks the same in rivers, oceans, and lakes; though the sun rises differently every place I've been. 

If I could go back and tell my 21 year old self what this year was like I would say we are still here at 22. The most important thing is I haven't given up on myself. My friends are still here and they haven't given up either.  The moment I have to start attending funerals instead of weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, or birthday is the day I start to unravel. At 22 I know I'm not ready for that. 

I learned I forgot how to love myself and that Cyborg's unyielding patience and love is teaching me how to love me again.  He is teaching me honesty and trust. While Amoriartii is constantly stifling that process. Such is love though. I'm am growing and it hurts. I am taking steps to be on the right path by 24. Each step a little harder than the last, but I keep walking. 
Life is hard and a lot of strife, but I live for the connections I make, the people I meet, the friends I make and have, and the new experiences that have yet to come ( good and bad alike).  Some days I swear are the best days of my life and sometimes I swear the dark clouds never end but I keep living. I don't feel as if I lived another year.  I feel more like I survived and that's okay. Sometimes we can't live the way we want or ought to. Sometimes we need to hunker down and survive. I did that.

The past 5 months have been not the best but more or less neutral. Cyborg was a big improvement. I have someone to love and who loves me back.  I laugh more becuase of him.  I spend more time in the sun becuase I'm by his side. I want to be able to do that on my own.

My goal for this year is to live.  By the time I turn 23 I want to say I'm living again.  I look forward to that. I just need to take care of me first then I can start again.  This year I will be taking a scheduled hiatus. I will be going to a rehabilitation facility to help me with my depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder.  ** side note: I did hint to the fact that I had an eating disorder a long time ago. Then I never mentioned it again. But I did mention it so you can't say I didn't tell you.  Go back and reread  my problem with the grilled cheese sandwich it's in there** I just need to dedicate myself to getting better instead of just managing the problems. I'm always afraid to do so becuase I know the world will be okay with out me and that is devastating.  I would be without internet, a phone, or my laptop and the outside world will keep going while I work on myself. I kind of wish it would stop and wait for me though.  I'm not comfortable with that and I doubt that I ever will be so I just need to go and take the month off. I will either go in July or December. I will hopefully know which by the end of the month.

I will also be doing a poem or short story once a week on Wednesdays in honor of poetry month. It was very therapeutic last year to do something similar. So I will try to keep to the schedule, missing as few as possible. But you already know I'm going to miss 50% . I acknowledge my shoty track record of posting on time

I'm 22 now and I may not be another year smarter, wiser, or stronger than I was before.  But I am another better. I learned, survived, laughed, and cried and I am better for it.

Trans day of viability 2016

I always am thankful for all my Trans friends that are able to be who they are without fear of violence, homelessness, or job security. All my Trans friends are privileged. They have never faced violence or verbal abuse.  None of them have been rejected by thier family due to thier Trans identity. I am so grateful and blessed that they are blessed.  But Trans Day of Visibility is a about the 40 trans people that have already been murdered this year.  It is about the state of emergency that most trans people find themselves in when trying to do everyday things.  I read an amazing Dark Matter post about Trans Day of Visibility and what that means to this trans South Asian duo. To sum it up Visibility is not enough. Often visability leads to trans day of rememberance becuase they where murdered for being who they are, or committed suicide for not being able to be who they are. Trans day of visability  really needs to be trans day of justice a day where not trans people fight for our fellow trans person's rights. They deserve not to have to fight every day.  They deserve the same rights as a cisgender hetero white male.  We all do.  Trans day of justice would end all these bathrooms laws.  There has never been a case of a trans person assaulting a person in the bathroom. But there are plenty of cases of lawmakers committing acts of sexual deviants in the bathroom that lead to legal ramifications. I might not push as far too liberate all bathrooms from the gender binary but binary trans people should be able to go to the bathroom that matches thier gender identity no matter if they "pass", have had surgery, or changed thier identification. Non binary people should have a neutral option in all government buildings, public service buildings, work places, and schools ( for our non binary children) nuetral bathrooms or family bathrooms  are easy to use your families and people with disabilities. It really benefits a wide variety of people that should have the right to go to the bathroom. So next year I will tell you what I did for trans day of justice.

Skittles: I'm too afraid to hope

This week me and Cyborg entered into a conditionally polyamorous relationship. This came about becuase of my need to be romantic with  Amoriartii. Cyborg is actually the best person becuase rather than give up on our relationship like I expected him to he wants to try. He is very monogamous so giving up on the relationship isn't the right wording of the situation. I don't and would not want Cyborg to comprises himself for me.  I feel like that is partially what is happening though he assures me it's not. I  know that if we try this and it doesn't work Cyborg is out. As heartbroken as I would be, I would rather us end it then one of us compromise ourselves for the other.  However, that leaves me with Amoriartii, and I don’t know if that is a good thing.  I already say I love them and sometimes they say it back. Rarely Amoriartii will say I love you first and I always say it back. I know it's a silly thing to worry about. But to me it shows consistency and let me know how they feel. I feel like I'm in the dark about their feelings. I want to know exactly how they feel about me and how I would fit into thier life before I go any further. I know we can't tell what the future holds but it makes me uncomfortable not knowing and being so close to a romantic relationship. I'm too afraid to hope for a relationship with Amoriartii becuase it could end me.  I'm so in love that it last forever or it hurts forever. I want to be in  Amoriartii's life for the rest of our lives but if we end poorly I can't say I could even handle being acquaintances. I'm scared of what the rest of the year will bring for both Cyborg and I, Amoriartii and I, Cyborg and Amoriartii, and Félix (Amoriartii's boyfriend) and I.

Daily struggles

I don't want to fight. Can we just say we did and skip straight to the make up part? I'm so nonconfrontational.

Skit: 2016 spring break

I decided to spend my only free days during spring break in DC with Amoriartii and thier boyfriend. Before I get into the drama with Amoriartii. I will tell you I learned a thing or two about the Library of Congress. Since I was here during the week and normal people work during the week I was on my own to explore DC. Feel free to listen to All by myself while you read this.  I choose to go LOC  becuase I wanted to get in to the famous restricted book section. What I did not anticipateis that you need a library card just to get in to the actually library part. They have exhibits plus viewing areas for the general public to see in the main building.  That's right just the main building; bet you didn't know LOC  was actually three buildings. So you can get a library card which will give you access to all three buildings. To get a library card you do not need to be a US resident you just need a valid form of identification like a US driver's license, US state ID, or an international passport. Getting your library card takes about 15 minuets and then you're off. I decided to use my all powerful library card not to read congressional documents, nor military records of war. I didn't even use it to read about the civil rigts movement or the defamation of the Native Americans. No, I read children's books. Specifically, the Lost Island of Dinosaurs circa 1932. It was a really good read. Because there are three different buildings it is very difficult to find the restricted book section you see in movies. I was also under a time constraint so I didn't have much time to find the restricted section. But as I am now doing mutiple visit to DC. I might have a chance to repeat thing. So stay tuned to see if I make it in to the restricted section of the reading room.

Okay now back to my romantic comedy of a love life.  Every time Amoriartii and I get togther we talk about us becuase we so badly want there to be an us. Right now we don't have words for what we are or what we want to be and I am fine with that.  My biggest problem isn't Amoriartii's boyfriend as I thought it would be,  but my boyfriend Cyborg. Cyborg see relationship inside a set of lines while Amoriartii and I decibe we see it as: everyone is coloring inside the lines of a coloring book and we are making master pieces out of blank canvases.(coloring books are for children)  This is to say that everyone else is starting with rules but we are making them up as needed as we go along.  So I really need to get Cyborg to see relationships as blank canvases and not coloring book templates. Amoriartii is being nothing but patient and loving with me.  They say that they will always be in my life no matter what the capacity. They just love me and want to be in my life however they can. This does not mean they will help me cheat on Cyborg that's not Amoriartii's style. They respect people's relationships and boundaries. They do not flirt with the line they will not cross the line. Honestly neither would I if Amoriartii was having the same problems with his boyfriend. I would be supportive and I would respect the relationship. I do respect thier relationship. My fear is that this will turn into a long term waiting game that neither of us has the patience for. Then one of us will decide it's time to let go. That would end me honestly. I would be more than heart broken, becuase I feel at home in thier arms. I love kissing them goodnight, good morning, good bye, thank you,  and whatever other reason I can think of to kiss them.  Point being I need to figure out what I'm going to do and soon, because not having the freedom to love,  and express that love how I want is killing me. 

Skitt: not today

I was going to write about the election but I just lost a lot of my favorite personal items. So I'm not feeling it today

Daily struggles

When you are a total wreck of a hot mess heat breaker who's hell bound, but your boyfriend loves you anyway. 

Daily struggles

When everyone thinks you and your boyfriend of four months are engaged to be married.

Skit: meds on meds on meds

Not so long ago I was diagnosed with anxiety. I mean it makes sense, the panic attacks, the racing thoughts, over thinking, and so much more. My anxiety manifest itself as me picking at myself both physically, verbally, and emotionally. I pull the hairs out of my knees and elbow. I tear myself down when I'm alone.  I get really insecure about things I'm normally very confident in. Anexiety is an ugly monster that is in cahoots with my depression. They work togther in the worse ways.  I'm to tierd to do anything buy the the fear of the disappointment of not doing my work actually paralyzes me. But that's just my anxiety. People experience the same mental illness differently just like two people with the same cancer will have two very different experiences. The best thing people can do when a person confides in you and tells you they are struggling with mental illness is believe them.  Do not try to fix them.  Do not offer them different homeopathic remedies unless they ask.  Ask them calmly what you can do to support them. I find that being there for them, being that ear or shoulder, is all we really want. The worst thing you can do is become part of their support network and then abandon them. If you can't be part of the support network let them know up front.  It doesn't make you a bad friend.  Sometimes it requires a lot from a person to be the support for a person with mental illness. I need someone to keep my nails and toes done so I don't pick at the cuticles around the nails. I need someone to check my knees and elbows for signs of picking so that we can keep track of my progress for my doctor so I don't lie to my doctor. I need someone who will answer the phone no matter what time it is so I can talk to someone while I go through my panic attacks. That's a lot. But I'm lucky enough to have loved ones who will do that for me.  Not everybody has that but I think everyone needs it.  I'm proud to be part of many people's support network. I love these people and I  will do anything for them.  The people in mine would do anything for me.  Knowing that I am loved is a huge part of what helps me get through each day.  That's calms me down the most, someone telling me over and over they love me and why.  So tell someone you love them today.  One four letter word makes a hell of a difference.

Skit: pronouns for Cis people

Some are of the belief that Cis people shouldn't use gender neutral pronouns. Gender plays a huge role in most societies and languages. Gender allows us to make a lot of assumptions about a person. It helps some of decide how we treat a person and how we react to how they treat us.  For example how a guy might open the door for someone they gender female instead of for someone they gender male. Or if you are repeatedly told to do something by someone you gender as female you feel that they are a nag as opposed to if you if you gender them male.  Today the Trans Student Educational Resources on Facebook posted " If you're cisgender, don't use "they" pronouns". I don't completely agree. I don't believe any group, even the oppressed group, should tell another group of people what they can not do, unless said action is hurting the group.  How did this all start though? Well it began with the idea of ownership of words. People of color can use certian words without assumption that they are using the word to be hurtful. White people can't do that.  So the idea that certain pronouns belong to certain gender identities makes a bit of sense coming from that background.  He belongs to male/ masculine identifed people.  If you use the pronoun He the assumption is that you belong to those groups.  Similarly if you use the pronoun She you belong to the female/feminine gender identities. But what about the rest of us. What pronouns belong to us. Ze, Xi aren't widely known or used.  Non binary people want a word that is equal to He, She. The only options available are it and they.  It being seen as dehumanizing that leaves They.  They is neutral and already widely used as a singular pronoun. The people who go by They don't feel as though they fit the binary genders. A non binary person might feel oppressed and misgendered by being forced to refer to themselves with gendered pronouns. To me it's empowering to go by They as I'm constantly trying to find words for my gender identity. So it feels like they looses it's power when a cisgender person uses They.  I feel like the person is treating it as an alternative and is delegitimizing They as a serious singular pronoun in its own right. Cisgender people never had to fight to have thier gender identity recognized, they have never had thier gender policed, and they never had to fight for words or pronouns to express thier gender. So it feels wrong and like Cisgender people are using thier privilege when they use the pronoun They singularly to refer to themselves, instead of using the one they born with and identify with, he or she. Misusing They feels like appropriation of the non binary community which is hurtful. So even though nobody is going to tell a person what pronouns a person can or should use, unless the person ask, we should think about what it means to use a the pronoun. What community does this pronoun belong to? Do I identify with that community? Am I using this pronoun becuase its defining me and empowering for me to use or am I just treating the pronoun and thus the community as an alternative? We need to think about our words before we use them because words have the power to lift up or tear down. 

Daily struggles

I'm an evil genius. Muahahahaha

Daily struggles

When bitches don't be text'n

Skit: Let's talk about Amoriartii

So the last time we talked about Amoriartii I was kind of thrown off by how much I've missed them.  I didn't want to miss them and I was kind of sick of having feelings for them. But we attended Creating Change togther in January and I realized that they don't make me panic any more.  I still over think everything they do,  I do,  and we do togther. Still I've calmed down a bit. At this year's Creating Change Amoriartii, our mutual friend, and I were suppose to have a threesome. However that didn't happen do to time restraints. What did happen is Amoriartii kissed me for the first time. They were rushing out the door to a conference event and just kissed me,  as if it was the most natural thing ever.  Like we had been doing this for years. Obviously that is not the case. I was left wondering what the hell just happened. But I let it be because I didn't want to deal with all that.  Still it's not a conference with Amoriartii without loads of drama so it doesn't end there. Amoriartii, thier boyfriend, and I all cuddled which was nice and pure. But then at the last second it got complicated again. Amoriartii had to leave at five in the morning so they got up to pack and obviously kiss thier boyfriend goodbye. Then they came over to me and held my head in thier hands looked me in the eyes kissed me and told me they love me.  Now I'm really like what the absolute fuck.  I did ask them about a week later if they ment platonicly or romanticly. They lied to me to tell me what I wanted to hear and said they love me platonicly. You have to remember we both have significant others we are happy with. We really don't want to change.  The longer we can ignore it the longer we will not have to change our relationship, which is friendship right now.  That's a safe place for us to be and honestly I think being more than that scares us, because of how important we are to each other. So I recently saw Amoriartii this weekend for MBLGTACC and we got a lot of one on one time, partly because we had a 3 hour drive (round trip) to and from the airport. We talked about our jobs, my school, our relationships, and more importantly us. We both know we are going to be in each others lives for a while. We want that.  We want forever. But we don't know what that will look like.  Amoriartii wants to deepen or relationship between us. We are both ready for that next step but it isn't solely our decision. We both have relationships we are trying not to mess up. So we need our partners to be okay with us. Amoriartii came clean and said they have romantic feelings for me that they are trying not act on and is actively trying to ignore those romantic feelings. But he can't, I can't. Even with compartmentalizing if we take our relationship further we are going to act on those romantic feeligs. Amoriartii slipped a few times and would hold my hand or put thier arm around me.  They dream about me. I'm part of thier support network. Amoriartii is already in love with me. If we take this any farther we will be more than friends.  I want that but I don't know if Amoriartii wants that or is even ready for that.  Or better yet if his boyfriend is going to allow it.  Cyborg might allow it but I'll cross that bridge if and when we get there.  They want to sleep with me and do more kink with me becuase that is a very big part of thier life that I don't actively participate in.  Everything else I'm there, work,  activism, hobbies. So they want me in every aspect of thier life. I want to be part of as much as they will let me.  We are just at a very crucial decision point in our relationship and what ever we decide in the next two years will decide what we are for the next 10 years.