Skittles: spin this

I have often fallen into the guilt trap used on Black American who are a product of slavery. This idea that strength and perseverance are traits I should possess because my ancestors survived unspeakable horrors, numerous human rights volitions, various atrocities, and literally had their culture (language, customs, beliefs, ect.) beat out of them. That my ancestors survived lynching, hate crimes, police brutality, segregation, systematic oppression and everything else post civil war and the civil rights era threw at them so I should be able to survive now. That despite limits placed on my ancestors with respect to housing, healthcare, job opportunities, financial growth, and education that they were able to make it work so I should make what I have work. I don't know if my ancestors could survive what I am going through. I don't know if I could survive the hardships they endured during their lives. I will never know if my ancestors tried to end it all. I will never know if they just survived or if they managed to find any amount of happiness in their life. Surviving, living, and thriving are all different. Surviving is doing the bare minimum to stay physically alive. If you are surviving you are dead mentally. Living is doing the bare minimum to live physically and also trying/ fighting to have some peace, satisfaction, or contentment in ones life. Thriving is being physically a live and mentally engage in one's life in a way that is satisfactory or brings one a non material type of happiness. The guilt trap of your ancestors survived so you should be able to live is flawed. I know they survived but that does not mean I inherited the same abilities. It also does not mean that even if I did inherit the same abilities that they would be applicable to my situation. Living requires a different set of tools then surviving. All I know is that they survived. Using the flawed logic that I could inherit perseverance that means I should be able to survive not live. All I know is that they lived long enough for my lineage to continue. I cannot say with even the smallest fraction of certainty that living for the the lineage was my ancestors intention. They might have tried to end it all and for whatever reason was not able to before having a child. We also don't know if perseverance is a trait someone can inherit. We do know that oppression does effect our DNA. Generations of oppression show up in DNA. Trauma is inherited. Just because my ancestors survived the slave ship does not mean they could handle my life. I am not simplifying the horrors of being changed to hundreds of other people without sunlight, with sickness, with rats, with bugs, with little to no food, in human waste, and being beaten. Just because they could handle being beaten, extreme manual labor, sexual violence, chains, walking long distances, and little to sustain themselves doesn't mean my life would be easy for them. My life came with its own trauma. I also had the hard choice of survive in a way that I know I will live or leave the abuse but maybe die in the streets. My life was a different type of competitive. It wasn't about being physically strong as it is about being mentally capable. They had to work hard to get what they had I had to work just as hard in a different way to get what I have. They had horrible living conditions cold, wet, and unsanitary all cutting down their life expectancy. Stress, anxiety, and depression and cutting down my life expectancy, and it can't be solved by patching a roof or insulation. Their life was physically hard and I'm sure that took a toll on their mental health. I'm sure the mental health was made worse by the atrocities. My life is mentally hard and that takes a toll on my physical health. My physical health is also made worse by the the violence I've endured and the lack of access to healthcare. No one is coming to free me from my situation either. My ancestors hardships and my hardships are not the same in any way or shape. I will never be able to understand how bad slavery was. However, my ancestors being able to survive is not indicative, related, or predisposition for my ability to be able to overcome my life's hardships.

Skittles: once I was 7 years old

Once I was 7 years old. I was having trouble making friends and I was very lonely. I also had trouble spelling and writing. I was being bullied. I wasn't focusing on my school work and was acting out in class. They wanted to hold me back but my mom and teacher insisted that I be tested for learning disabilities because some of my standardize test scores were well above average. I got tested and they said I have ADHD and several language processing disorders. I was given a daily session to work one-on-one with a special education teacher to help with spelling and writing. I was put in therapy to learn to socialize properly. I didn't really learn to "people". I did learn how to manipulate. By the time I was 11 I was doing high school math and science, reading college level books, writing comprehensive and defined essays. I lied all time. I acted older because I knew how. This defined me for the rest of my life with respects to school.

Once I was 13 years old and my dad said go in the house and study. I never had friends before and was use to spending time alone. I was trusted because I was smart. I could go out into the city by myself. I read a lot on the internet and played a lot of video games. I learned whatever I wanted in my spare time and my parents would support my desire by funding my science projects. I realized I was bisexual at 13 and fell into the queer community. I finally had friends to go out with. We did everything together, lived loudly and proudly. I found camaraderie, community, and family in the queer community. I started writing, learning, protesting, and teaching. I didn't do it for fame or friends. I did it because I finally found people who loved and understood me. I wanted to find others who felt lost and rejected. I started becoming the activist I am today when I was 13 years old.

Once I was 20 years old and I got diagnosed with depression. I use to have fire and persistence. I use to love learning even when it got hard. But I wasn't going to give up on my dream of being an engineer. I wasn't going to give up activism either. I started my own company at 19. I was traveling the states telling people about my life and engaging in important discussions. I was the social queer intern at one of the best universities in the country. I just started traveling internationally for fun. I wanted to do it all by myself. I wanted success so bad. But I didn't want people to see me struggle. I thought it would make me less than I was. I learned that there were so many people like me suffering. I realize I could let people see my imperfections and still be successful. I leaned on people and they didn't let me down. I loved and received love in return. I was able to thrive with the collective. I built a community around our common struggle. When one of us would fall we were there to pick them up. We are all invested in the well being of one another. I'm still writing, learning, teaching, fighting, and protesting. I tell anyone who will listen about my history and what is going on now. This isn't the path I choose or intended on taking but, having to forge a new way is it's own rewarding adventure.

I'm almost half way through my 20's. Soon I'll be 30 years old. I've learned more than I could have ever hoped and I'm on track to achieve more than I ever thought possible. I've told my story and hopefully will be able to continue. All I want is to reach people and let them know there is someone out there like them. Someone who has gone through this. Someone who truly sees them as they are and accepts that. I want to continue to travel the world. I want to continue to roam free. My collective has grown and all I want for all of them is happiness. I've lost some loved ones along the way and I'm doing my best to learn from my mistakes. For the ones I've lost I'm sorry. I hope to settle down have my complex family. I've got so much love and I think it would go to waste if I don't foster long time partnerships.

But once I was 7 years old and life was very lonely.

PS. But how do you feel

Dear Amoriartii,

Congratulations again. I am honored to attend your wedding. I am very sorry that I won't be able to attend the reception. My best friend is getting his wisdom teeth out and I have to travel to be able to drive him back from the dentist. However, because I can't attend your reception you will surely be the best dressed there.

I am sad we didn't get to see each other while you were in my city. I will have to wait to see if you are the better dancer and Gypsy Warrior Moon Child wanted to see Felix. I really wanted to say sorry for betraying your trust and hurting you. We have known each other for about five years and I should have known better. I don't mean to hurt you. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I know you were busy but to me it almost seemed like my wanting to apologize made you uncomfortable? We haven't really talked in over a year so I have know idea what's going on with you or what this past year has been like for you but I did honestly just want to catch up as well. I'm sure you've been saving the world from disasters, protecting queer youth, doing unimaginably kinky things with the cutest boys, and singing your lungs out all while wearing at least 5 inch heels. I guess I'll have to wait a little longer to hear of your amazing adventures.

When I messaged you on Facebook those where just honest questions. I'm at a lost for what's going on with you. I do want to know what you want and need from me. I was asking because I wanted to know if were going to talk to each other in the future? If we would still visit each other? I don't think I'm asking for some thing complicated. I'm not trying to mess with your life. I'm not asking for any type of relationship acquaintances, friends, business, whatever Trump has going on with the leaders countries that are suppose to be are allies, ect. My intentions are sincere but you don't have to believe and I don't blame you for not trusting me. It's just that we don't talk anymore and I am wondering if that is going to be permeant.
See you in January,

J-Skittles

I'm going to send this email. I'm waiting until the month is over then I'm going to send this out.

Daily struggles

*Start having an emotional fit*
I just want to go home😭 Everyone is mean to me.
*Remember I didn't take my mood stabilizer*
I might be over reacting. I'll let you know if I think everyone hates me in 10 hours.

Daily struggle

Hope is the most toxic thing in my life and most likely going to lead to my death. Cynicism must be so liberating. I can't let go of what is hurting me. However I'll gladly push away those I love, refuse treatment, and be an uncooperative participant in healthy lifestyle choices.

Daily struggles

This is the year I lost love

Skit: Schrödinger's cat theory played out by me.

I'm non-confrontational. Supposedly I avoid conflict. That's not really true. I have a terrible temper, I lash out when angry, I frustrate easily, I lack patience, I'm prideful, I'm stubborn, I rarely apologize/admit fault,  but I do not avoid all conflict. I will argue, I rather enjoy winning augments, no matter the cost. I often look at friction/tension as a puzzle and the people involved as pieces. I will manipulate and bend the pieces to my will until I arrive at one of the desired solutions. I take the easy way out of problems that don't interests me. If I don't care about the issue or the person why waste my time trying to win? It would be fun but I really don't care that much. Yet, I get called non-confrontational. Which again really isn't true. Non-Confrontational people avoid fights because they are afraid or uncomfortable.

I am an over thinker who compartmentalize. We'll get back to the main point here in a second. I treat problems like puzzles, say a Rubik's Cube.

***Side Note***
Yes, I know there is technically only 1 solution. However, we are going to operate under the parameters that there is now than one solution. We are going to deal with parameters that give us a range of the solutions determined by a undefined equation that I made but then couldn't paste. t≥0 I created an equation using Σ but then I later came back and made it into a piece wise {} equation because I thought that might copy better. I was wrong, anyway, the range of solutions (y) changes based on the input which is the problem (x) and the variables time (t) and people (z).
******

I spend my time trying to solve the cube for the most favorable patterns. I do whatever I feel is necessary to get to my solution. I do have a code. I do not do things that oppose my code. I do not do things that waste my time or I that I don't want to do. I'm lazy above all else. I do efficient grade A manipulation, work smart not hard. Everyone is a square and I need them to make my pretty pattern. I move them just like my cube in the optimal amount of time because I lack patience. If I can just solve the puzzle without anyone knowing they have been used I would say that I manipulate to avoid. I don't. I don't care about the tension that comes from people finding out you manipulated them. I care about how my scheme goes up in smoke. If I don't or haven't backed the square into a corner forcing them to be part of my final pattern then I don't get what I want. I manipulate not to avoid conflict but because it's easiest. The optimal lazy way usually win.

I over think and I compartmentalize. Finding optimal probable favorable solutions requires a lot of thought. Manipulating people requires a lot of thought, research, and acting. I have trust issues. I need to keep things need to know without coming off as mysterious and sketchy. I need to be likeable and trustworthy to who ever I'm working. I need to live my lies without becoming the lies or getting them confused. The easiest way would be to base the lies in as much truth as possible. I don't do that. I compartmentalize each lie each life. I currently live 4 different lives most of the time. They are not all completely different name, sexuality, and job usually stay the same. The most I've ever lived congruently was 8. Each social group required a different person. I would interact with 8 different social groups in a week, often times I saw atleast 3 different groups a day. I'm not so busy now.

None of this would tell you why I am I'm non-confrontational.  I mean it does but let me connect the dots if you haven't already. What happens if I care but I don't want to manipulate the person/ situation on the off chance a person I care about finds out and hates me? I also don't want to argue because I'm mean when I'm angry or hurt. I could lie but that defeats the purpose of trying to be honest. I cannot avoid the situation because the person would notice me being different. Avoiding someone without their knowledge requires manipulations or lies both of which have already been eliminated as viable options. Thus non-confrontational. But what makes me afraid or uncomfortable? When you live the way  I do,  over thinking and manipulation are just like breathing, I do it unconsciously. I have to actively not do it. But if there is a problem or tension, I've already seen it coming. If I didn't see it coming I've already spent way too much time thinking about every possible out come because I don't want to be surprised again. I'm also a bit of a control freak. If I'm afraid it's because there is a statically high chance it won't work out the way I want or I will get hurt in the process. Yes, my assumption is usually expect the negative but I'd rather be prepared than optimistic. Also what about my life screams faith in humanity or trust in others? What makes me uncomfortable? If you haven't figured it out vulnerability, honesty, truth, and the opinion of some one I care about of me. I run from these particular moments of confrontation more than Trump runs from the truth or Hillary runs for president. I am more afraid that the person I care for doesn't care for me than anything else. Ignorance is bliss. If I don't have to know and don't notice then I can be happy in my Schrödinger's cat box of a life. If conflict happens, I believe I know the person, and I care about them then I can't live in my paradoxical box any more. I will theoretically find out the truth. There is one more possibility and this has only happened once in my life that I know of, and it still ended in me getting hurt, I don't know the person. The person is better at lying and manipulating than me. The person lies and manipulates me without me knowing. I care about them and at their mercy I believe the person cares about me. I get to keep living my lie as long as it suits that person's interest.

***Side note****
Who out smarted me and bothered to let me know? Kimmy. Around the time I first met her we talked about a shared interests in manipulation. We didn't talk about it ever again until after she broke my heart. We started dating and unbeknownst it was all part of her plot to out manipulate me. Except I wasn't playing or aware of the game. I didn't realize it was all a lie until after she publicly broke up with me. Nothing about our brake up made sense to me at the time. She said I was cheating on her work her ex boyfriend, who I never met and was abusive  Web had a meeting with a guidance counselor about a week later for some mediation, not my idea. One thing she said made it all make sense. Kimmy said "It's like she think this is a game. She is playing us like a chess game. It's nothing personal she just wants to win." I had said the almost the same thing to her when we were talking about manipulating people. I said "It's a game. Treat people like pieces and play them like chess. All that matters is if you win." My heart hurt when she broke up with me strangely. But it felt like my life left my body when I realized what she had done. When we left the counselor I turned to her and said good game and she shook my hand. I loved her and she destroyed me.
******

Daily struggle

It's been one year since you looked at me. Cocked your head to the side and "I'm angry."

Daily struggles

I wonder how many people stare into the dark alone thinking about the person they love. I wonder if their person does the same thing. What class blissful agony that possibility most induce. I wonder how many people stare into the night alone wondering about the person they love knowing that the person of their affection never does the same for them. I know how much both hurt but I believe the ladder is torture.

Daily struggle

I think I know why the words never come out when I'm with you. I always thought I was to nervous, afraid, or lost my nerve. There will never be words for this love. There never be words for how I look at you. There will never be words for how you look at me when I'm not looking. There are no words for the shy smiles. My heart cries out for you, a song I don't know the words to but is all too familiar. I can't say words that don't exist. I would spend the rest of my life learning languages searching for the right words, and I'd wait the rest of my life for the right time to tell you. Neither exist. That's why we have art. Humanity has spent it's entire existence trying communicate using every way we know how something that I feel when I look into your eyes, hear your voice, see your smile, kiss your lips, or hold your hand. I'll never know what to say but I'm positive you'll understand.

Daily struggle

Ribs to protect. Lungs to breath. I'd tell you I love you but that's not what my heart is for.

Skittles: What do you need and want to be happy?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and betrayed your trust. The truth is I love you but I don't know how to. I'll be your ride or die by your side forever if you want. I'll leave your life right now and never come back if you want. The only thing I can't do is stop loving you. I will love you long after our galaxy has turned to gas and dust. I don't want to hurt you any more. We can do what you want but I think we're to volatile to be together. But we work best when we a are far a part and see each other every three months or so.  I want you to be happy. That's been my priority in this relationship. If you're happy even if it hurts me I'll support and I'll come to like it. Just tell me what will make you happy and I'll do it.

Skit: No Specialize Parenting

I have ADHD and four learning disabilities. The main ones are Dyscalculia ( mixing up the order of numbers) and a language processing disorder. I always surprise people with the language one because I learned to talk early and am very articulate. My reading, hearing, speaking are unaffected. My writing and sight are where I run into trouble. I also have a problem communicating my thoughts, I tend to ramble or lose track of my point. I cannot read body language to save my life. I have a hard time telling when people are angry or sad. Unless it's extremely over exaggerated like in the cartoons, I can't tell. I asked my mom if it was difficult parenting me. If she read any books or went to any seminars. She said she did and asked doctors but none of it really helped. She said all children are different, special children are not an exception. Nothing really helped more than trial an error. If I was autistic she would have had to do the same thing because there are very few one size fits all rules or methods for children. One rule that applies to all is that will put things in their mouth they shouldn't, and they will try to kill themselves ( cuz your dumb *don't know any better*). Other than they are all different. My mom says she would have had to parent me different than my brother any way because our personalities are completely different. However, I didn't trust my mom so I asked my friend's mom. My friend is deaf. She said the sign language book helped more than any parenting book on deaf children. That her son is drastically different than her daughter so needed different parenting because of his being a different person. She said that they both need love, support, encouragement, money, and discipline. There are only special children but no training, specialize seminar, or specific book help. Special children just need a regular parent.