Right now my biggest fear isn't the fallout of what I've done. I'm not afraid of watching everything I've been working on since 2014 go up in flames. I'm not afraid of being kicked out of community and being alone. I live most of my life lonely anyway and I know its going to be a long fall from the heavens where I have been living as a deity. I am not afraid of the pain when I hit the ground. I am not afraid to shatter, its going to look like something in me exploxed. I will become so many tiny pieces so close to sand. I have done this all before. I am a phoenix of sorts. Every so often everything I know, everything I've built burns to ash. I go up in the most destructive, all comsuming, beautiful flames. Only a few people have lived to see this. Fewer still are there waiting for me as I'm reborn. None of this is new or scary.
I am afraid of having to talk to her. Vendetta will probably want to talk to me at some point. I am living in fear of getting that text, call, or facebook message. I am not afraid of what she will say. No matter what she says I am already dead. Her words will just add fuel to the flames. She will make this quicker, easier. I am not afraid of doing whatever she wants me to. I can and I will. I am afraid of what I will say. I love her and I want her to be happy. It is easiest for me to do that, to not interfere from far away. I am afraid I will ask her to stay knowing that she shouldn't. I am afraid of convincing her to still love me even when I know she needs to let me go. I am afraid of pulling her back into my madness. I am afraid of getting her to trust me again knowing that I will only hurt her. I am afraid that she will feel bad for me, that she will want to help me, and/or that she will empathize with me making it that much harder for her to cut all ties.
I will not be trying to do any of this. I know better. I just hurt too. I still love her. I can't stop the apologies from slipping out of my lips. I can't stop the justification from escaping the cage of teeth. I can't force the sense of longing from my eyes. I am just so dam enticing, inviting that the blatant warnings of danger seem to be a bit extreme. I appear so harmless even though my lair is filling with carcasses and every bit of surface is stained in blood, I could not have possibly done it. After I have torn someone half way to shreds, and they watched me do this to them, I still could not be the culprit. My heart is made of gold and my intentions are pure. How could I be so destructive? They always come back to me. They absolve me of all responsibility, take all the blame, and pick themselves from my teeth. Then I finish then off. I kill them and no one believes me.
Right now she one of the only people who believe I'm a monster. If you who watch me rise from the ashes each time know. They are not afraid because they stay out of reach, out of harms way. If she comes back she will forget, and I will kill her. I'm afraid to hurt her. I really don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I never wanted to hurt her in the first place.
I'm afraid I'm misleadingly dangerous, and if she gets too close I'll hurt her.
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