Skittle: my ex's

Would I date an ex?
No one before my sophomore year of college.
After that I would but someone would have to change.

For Cyborg I would have to give up my dream life and my soul mate.
Or Cyborg would have to learn and enjoy  polyamormy.

Amoriartii and I need to talk, trust, apologize, be brave and be honest.

I just want Amoriartii to  be healthy, be so happy it's centering, and loved deeply and completely. I want them to continue to grow. I want them to treat goal's like marathon ribbon run right past them. Over achieve! But also find that balance.

I have loved you since NYC it got real in Houston and we were in tears in Kansas City.
One love. You 2013-2018

If I could ask them any questions I would ask them |Do you love me?| |What type of love?|
|Are we good for each other?|
|Do we make each other happy?|
|Do you trust me?| |Do I trust you?|
|Do you want me to be in your life?|
|How so?| |How much?|
Starting over is full of crap. The crap follows you. A person just handles it better. I want to
Start communicating openly, no secret ulterior motives, and no lying. Share the plan, share the strategy, share the weapons. Then once it's all out we can talk. I want to apologize for hurting you because I'm putting myself first so don't notice your pain.

The situation would have to had been different with V. She would have to work  through her tramau. I would have to deal with mine. Go to therapy together make it work. We both wanted it to work.

I know I can never go back to V and she will never come back to me. I want her to be happy and I want all her wildest dreams to come true. I know she can't do that if I'm around. I need to leave her life for her to be happy. Yes it hurts. I wanted to hurt. I didn't think it would be fair for this to send her to hell in her head without pain on my part. She hurts because of me and I hurt because of me. I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to live in a world where I hurt those closet to me. I know now that she will smile, love, live, and thrive if I just stay out of her world. She can't do that work while I'm trying to get her attention through acts of self pitty. I need to leave her alone. Stop online stalking. Stop following. Stop checking the guest list. I'm already dead to her I need to stop haunting her. I need to do the hard work. I need to heal myself. Get introspective. Don't live for her. Don't die for her. I have to take control of life.

Skittles: maybe I made the wrong choice

Last night I was telling my friend that this guy she liked was a jerk and never right for her.  A midst my epic speech of what love should be I realized Amoriartii never treated me the way I was describing but Cyborg did. I didn't love Cyborg but I should have. I was too busy loving someone who will never love me back. Someone who will never love me the way I need to be loved. I chose Amoriartii over Cyborg after promising not to. I chose the love I thought I deserved over what I actually needed.  Now I have neither.  I'm too hurt and jaded to be with Amoriartii and to proud to go back to Cyborg. Also I still don't love Cyborg I just feel remiss for being so b stupid. I love being the role model for my friends but I think I really messed up this time.  No matter what I would have had to leave Cyborg but I should have left Amoriartii first. I try to live with no regrets. But sometimes it's innevitable. I'm human and I'll make mistakes and sometimes I'll wish I would have done things differently. This is one of those times. I think I should have made a different choice. 

Skittles: follow up to hine sight has better vision

I tried to forge my own path. I really did because all my options sucked. I succeeded partly. Amoriartii and I worked out how I wanted but, Cyborg and I did not.  We just need different things. I tried really hard to get both but in the end I had to pick so I went left. I'm at "well dam I tried" which isn't bad but it's not " thank God".

Skitt: winter really isn't my season

2/10 Cyborg broke up with me yesterday ( about 2 hours ago). Again I thought it would hurt more than it does.  I guess when you just continuously compounding pain you get to a point where more doesn't hurt more.   I guess I'm too busy mourning one relationship to mourn another.  I guess I have seen this coming and it was always a matter of when. I think I'm too numb to care. I cried for all of five minutes then went on alerting my friends, changing my relationship status on Facebook, and making plans on when to come get my stuff. I knew exactly what song to listen to as to numb me even more. We are very different but I think I preferd it that way.  I tried being with someone so similar to me and that nearly ended me. I'm already so broken this love can't break me. 

Update 2/13:
We are back together.

2/26: We are officially over. I knew Monday it wasn't going to work and he knew Tuesday we were on borrowed time. I have given him every reason to walk away and it's like he's almost hoping for a miracle so that he could stay. I say almost because he knows that even if he stayed we would never work long term. I have asked God for Amoriartii a million times and I have always been answered. I would feel wrong leaving a huge part of my life for something I know won't work. It just doesn't make sense, yet I'm tried to stay. I  looked for one good reason to stay. I ask for what I would need and Cyborg just simply said he can't give me what I would need to stay. I have prayed for answer I already knew, hoping it wasn't true. He's a good one and I didn't want to let him go. But both of us have a million reasons to leave and we can't find even one reason to stay. 

Skittles: all the side eye

When you're boyfriend forgets that you exist.
Situation: I go to a party or an event on a day I don't normally see cyborg. I invite cyborg days before hand.
Same Situation: cyborg goes to an event or party on a day we don't normally see each other. I find out about it the day of because he's already there without me.

Skittles: while I was in recovery

While I was in recovery for my depression, I wrote Amoriartii almost every day for the first two weeks. Mostly about how I was adjusting and any struggles I may have encountered. After that I got lazy and comfortable. There wasn't much to write that I hadn't said not already said. I thought about sharing all the letters with all of you, but like I said above, I am very lazy and I honestly don't think you would enjoy all of them. I am going to publish one tomorrow. It is probably the most important letter I wrote to them and I didn't have the courage to send it. Not in its entirety. 

I also wrote one letter to my boyfriend Cyborg. When he finally got it, he wanted to talk about it in person. However, I avoid things that make me uncomfortable, like the plague so I wanted to talk about it over the phone where I would be safe. He insists on having the conversation in person which just makes me not want to have it at all. So after the letter I may or may not share what transpires between Cyborg and I.

I know I haven’t been writing much not for lack of things happening, but for lack of words to say. I use this blog to process my life when I can’t do it in my mind. I’ve been getting better at internal processing things and I have a boyfriend who helps me externally talk thing out. This blog might undergo some changes after the presidential election. For fear not I will have a lot to say about the presidential debates. After that though I might need to make some adjustments.

Skit: slow motion

My brain moves faster than my life. I'm ready for March 2017 but it's not even August 2016 yet. I've already thought through the brake ups, the make ups, and the heartbreak. I think I'm going to pose a serious question to Amoriartii in February that will either move us forward or end us. I'm going to ask them if they could ever life me the way I love them. If the answer is yes I'll wait. I'll wait because every love song reminds me of them and sets my soul on fire. I love them in one of those non verbal spiritual ways where my soul recognizes theirs as my equal and other half. To the moon and back. Till the rivers run dry. Till the mountains move. Pass the ending of worlds. However, if the answer is no I'm going to ask them to break my heart. That's the only way I can get over them. My heart needs to be broken so it can be made again anew. I'm going to need them to tell me they don't love me and never will and mean it, because I know when they lie. My heart will break so incredibly loud, it will probably shatter me. But I will need this. I will live some how and find another to love after a lot of healing. Years of healing.  But like I said it's only August and I have quite a few things to deal with this month. Such as my month long hiatus. Where I will write but I won't post anything until September. I need to decided if I want to stay with Cyborg. He loves me so much but do I feel the same? I also need to do school things, which is always so much fun. Plenty to keep me busy until then. I'll see you all in September.

Skitt: A train ride, A silent movie.

We ride the trian in silence.
Not becuase we're upset,
we just don't have anything to say.
That's fine I guess.
But I've never run out of words before.
It's an odd feeling.
Like running out of time,
it leaves you feeling empty.
I've noticed myself feeling empty a lot lately.
Even when I'm with Cyborg.
I try not to read to much into it,
but it's my nature.
I don’t expect anyone to make me feel full.
But I don't know if a person can leave you feeling empty.
I keep telling myself its just me,
becuase it probably is.
I run away from things that are good for me.
I get bored and move on instead of trying to make it fun again.
Cyborg bores me.
That's not his fault.
I should try harder to be fun.
There are many things that I want to do that we haven't done.
We should do them.
Or I could do them by myself.
I think that's my debate.
Whether I want to be empty by myself or alone togther.
I feel like I'm riding the train with a stranger.
But if I wanted to rest my head I could,
and that perk is nice.
We don't talk so much anymore, Cyborg and I.
I think a lot that I don't say.
Half becuase I'm afraid of his reaction,
half becuase I don't want him to know.
I don’t want him to know how sad I am.
Or my lack of will to live.
I don't want him knowing my drive is dead and gone
and I'm left merely existing.
I thought about telling him something.
I was going to tell him
I come up with little things to want
to give me some reason to go on.
I deemed it to sad and to true
so I let him go on and complain about dinner
as if it wasn't one of those little things that actually matter.
As if I was happy we had dinner.
As if I was happy.
I'm going away for a month and I'm going to see if I want to be empty and alone
or if I'm just sad
This could be one of my last silent train rides.
I think we both know that if we stay the course
it most certainly will be.
But I'm the one only one who can fix us.
I have to be the one to change.
Maybe I'll say something.
Or maybe I'll enjoy my peaceful train.

Daily struggles

When its a nice day and your boyfriend drags you outside :( but I'm a house cat

Skitt: Yes I'm feeling 22

I didn't want to do that.  It's cliché. But Cyborg liked it so we are rolling with it. 

I'm another year older but I don't know if I'm any wiser or stronger for it. I feel stagnant. I did accomplish a number of great things with all the organizations I work with.  I traveled around the world to learn that life in cities of what Americans consider 3rd world countries isn't much different from the life I live. People are people and you can find something in common with almost anyone. I've traveled across the country to find that my reflection looks the same in rivers, oceans, and lakes; though the sun rises differently every place I've been. 

If I could go back and tell my 21 year old self what this year was like I would say we are still here at 22. The most important thing is I haven't given up on myself. My friends are still here and they haven't given up either.  The moment I have to start attending funerals instead of weddings, baby showers, anniversaries, or birthday is the day I start to unravel. At 22 I know I'm not ready for that. 

I learned I forgot how to love myself and that Cyborg's unyielding patience and love is teaching me how to love me again.  He is teaching me honesty and trust. While Amoriartii is constantly stifling that process. Such is love though. I'm am growing and it hurts. I am taking steps to be on the right path by 24. Each step a little harder than the last, but I keep walking. 
Life is hard and a lot of strife, but I live for the connections I make, the people I meet, the friends I make and have, and the new experiences that have yet to come ( good and bad alike).  Some days I swear are the best days of my life and sometimes I swear the dark clouds never end but I keep living. I don't feel as if I lived another year.  I feel more like I survived and that's okay. Sometimes we can't live the way we want or ought to. Sometimes we need to hunker down and survive. I did that.

The past 5 months have been not the best but more or less neutral. Cyborg was a big improvement. I have someone to love and who loves me back.  I laugh more becuase of him.  I spend more time in the sun becuase I'm by his side. I want to be able to do that on my own.

My goal for this year is to live.  By the time I turn 23 I want to say I'm living again.  I look forward to that. I just need to take care of me first then I can start again.  This year I will be taking a scheduled hiatus. I will be going to a rehabilitation facility to help me with my depression, anxiety, and my eating disorder.  ** side note: I did hint to the fact that I had an eating disorder a long time ago. Then I never mentioned it again. But I did mention it so you can't say I didn't tell you.  Go back and reread  my problem with the grilled cheese sandwich it's in there** I just need to dedicate myself to getting better instead of just managing the problems. I'm always afraid to do so becuase I know the world will be okay with out me and that is devastating.  I would be without internet, a phone, or my laptop and the outside world will keep going while I work on myself. I kind of wish it would stop and wait for me though.  I'm not comfortable with that and I doubt that I ever will be so I just need to go and take the month off. I will either go in July or December. I will hopefully know which by the end of the month.

I will also be doing a poem or short story once a week on Wednesdays in honor of poetry month. It was very therapeutic last year to do something similar. So I will try to keep to the schedule, missing as few as possible. But you already know I'm going to miss 50% . I acknowledge my shoty track record of posting on time

I'm 22 now and I may not be another year smarter, wiser, or stronger than I was before.  But I am another better. I learned, survived, laughed, and cried and I am better for it.

Skit: 2016 spring break

I decided to spend my only free days during spring break in DC with Amoriartii and thier boyfriend. Before I get into the drama with Amoriartii. I will tell you I learned a thing or two about the Library of Congress. Since I was here during the week and normal people work during the week I was on my own to explore DC. Feel free to listen to All by myself while you read this.  I choose to go LOC  becuase I wanted to get in to the famous restricted book section. What I did not anticipateis that you need a library card just to get in to the actually library part. They have exhibits plus viewing areas for the general public to see in the main building.  That's right just the main building; bet you didn't know LOC  was actually three buildings. So you can get a library card which will give you access to all three buildings. To get a library card you do not need to be a US resident you just need a valid form of identification like a US driver's license, US state ID, or an international passport. Getting your library card takes about 15 minuets and then you're off. I decided to use my all powerful library card not to read congressional documents, nor military records of war. I didn't even use it to read about the civil rigts movement or the defamation of the Native Americans. No, I read children's books. Specifically, the Lost Island of Dinosaurs circa 1932. It was a really good read. Because there are three different buildings it is very difficult to find the restricted book section you see in movies. I was also under a time constraint so I didn't have much time to find the restricted section. But as I am now doing mutiple visit to DC. I might have a chance to repeat thing. So stay tuned to see if I make it in to the restricted section of the reading room.

Okay now back to my romantic comedy of a love life.  Every time Amoriartii and I get togther we talk about us becuase we so badly want there to be an us. Right now we don't have words for what we are or what we want to be and I am fine with that.  My biggest problem isn't Amoriartii's boyfriend as I thought it would be,  but my boyfriend Cyborg. Cyborg see relationship inside a set of lines while Amoriartii and I decibe we see it as: everyone is coloring inside the lines of a coloring book and we are making master pieces out of blank canvases.(coloring books are for children)  This is to say that everyone else is starting with rules but we are making them up as needed as we go along.  So I really need to get Cyborg to see relationships as blank canvases and not coloring book templates. Amoriartii is being nothing but patient and loving with me.  They say that they will always be in my life no matter what the capacity. They just love me and want to be in my life however they can. This does not mean they will help me cheat on Cyborg that's not Amoriartii's style. They respect people's relationships and boundaries. They do not flirt with the line they will not cross the line. Honestly neither would I if Amoriartii was having the same problems with his boyfriend. I would be supportive and I would respect the relationship. I do respect thier relationship. My fear is that this will turn into a long term waiting game that neither of us has the patience for. Then one of us will decide it's time to let go. That would end me honestly. I would be more than heart broken, becuase I feel at home in thier arms. I love kissing them goodnight, good morning, good bye, thank you,  and whatever other reason I can think of to kiss them.  Point being I need to figure out what I'm going to do and soon, because not having the freedom to love,  and express that love how I want is killing me. 

Daily struggles

When you are a total wreck of a hot mess heat breaker who's hell bound, but your boyfriend loves you anyway. 

Daily struggles

When everyone thinks you and your boyfriend of four months are engaged to be married.

Skit: sometime I learn things about polyamry

First off I know today isn't Tuesday and that I missed it. I'm sorry. I didn't realize I missed it until Tuesday night and I wasn't going to rush something to meet my own  arbitrary deadline.
So awhile back in 2015 I went to a workshop called one, two, three, more. It was about polyamry of course but the focus was on desire and how to build healthy relationships around those desires.  I went with my boyfriend which in hindsight wasn't a good idea. The facilitator wanted us to analyze our past and current relationships and share, which we couldn't do without our privacy feeling invaded. At this workshop you bring what you feel is not working and the goal of where you want to be. In the workshop you learn tools such as conflict resolution and self care to fix your relationship and achieve your goals. You learn how to listen not only actively but emotionally. The facilitator explained that we need to listen emotionally becuase rarely are relationships logical enough were you can just actively listen and talk through the problem wholely. Emotional listening involves empathizing with the other person and verbalizing the emotions you think they are feeling so you are on the same page.  It also involves sharing your feelings and desires. This all ties in with polyamry becuase you need to have open, solid lines of communication with all your partners.  We also talked about ranking your partners, ie primary, secondary, ect is not necessary.  Hierarchies in polyamorus relationships is often harmful  because it makes the other partners feel less important and makes comperssion hard. Comperssion is kind of like being happy for your partner's happiness, almost the opposite of jealously.  A healthy relationships can't exist with jealousy or without comperssion. It matters not if you are monogamous or otherwise.

The workshops was great and Cyborg and I walked away with a lot of communication tools. However we both agree we should not have attended togther.

Stay fierce,

J-Skittles

Skittles: things I find

I found this and relate to it so much.

“Stop. You can’t love me because you’re lonely, or because I am the only one who doesn’t piss you off. I want to piss you off, I want to get on your fucking nerves. I don’t want the responsibility of always being your rock. I will try, but I’m a mess, too. I lie, I sleep too much and I don’t like children under the age of 6, really. I don’t even know if I want kids because I’m selfish, and mothers can’t be selfish once they decide to carry another life.

I’m always looking for the rain to come so I trip over my own feet. I know exactly what the air smells like before a storm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that I cry a lot because it feels good, and I masturbate at least 4 times a week, and you might fall out of love with me before either of us are ready for it.
I have no experience with this. I’m trying to be brave and smart but its almost impossible to be both at the same time.
You can’t love me like a fire escape. Sometimes I will be the match, or the smoke under the door. I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that we all catch fire sometimes, before we even get warm.
Before you fall in love with me, I want you to know that there’s a 50% chance that this won’t work, that one of us will wind up hating the other. I will try to keep your head above water, but sometimes I’ll need help, too.
I can’t be your savior, and I don’t expect you to be mine. Just watch me unfold and I’ll watch you unfold, too. We’ll get drunk and tell each other everything. I know that’s cheating but maybe it’ll be alright. Maybe we won’t wake up embarrassed.

I am going to fall in love with you, too, feet first. Maybe we’ll slow dance off a building together, maybe we’ll have forgotten each other’s names by this time next year. I don’t care, the sky is gray with or without you, so I’m not going to look up anymore, I’m going to look ahead .”
—Before You Fall in Love with Me, Caitlyn S.

I feel this becuase I don't know what love looks like now for me.  I do know that I talk to much.  That my anxiety eats away at my confidence. The loneliest does make me clingly. But I'm too closed off really open up.  You could say I have trust issues but I'm manipulative enough to tell you anything you want to know without telling you anything I don't want you to know.   I don't need someone who is put togther. Don't exspect me to have it all figured out either. I'm am secretly every damsel in distress Disney Princess, don't let my super woman costume fool you. I trip over more than my own feet.  I choke on words and emotions. I don't say sorry.  I don't play well with others. I color outside the lines on purpose.  I don't know how I passed kindergarten. I'm cautious and reckless at the same time.  If you move too fast I'll get scared and run but if I'm ready you better be ready for a huge next step too. I don't know what I'm doing or if I should even be doing it but we can figure it out togther if you would like

Skittles: I got a man

I am in a relationship with Cyborg. It's very different from every other relationship I've been in. It's calm and relaxing. Every other relationship I've been in has been up beat and fast paced. This is like two friends hanging out making out.  I'm trying to decide of that's a good thing or not. You should date  someone you get along with. We get along and enjoy each others company. He likes me for my personality but, I want to feel desired and desire him in return. I've also never dated anybody while I've been depressed so this is a new thing for me. I'm constantly rediscovering myself living with depression and anxiety. And now I'm faced with a new challenge of discovering someone else.