Dearest Godric,
Sometimes it’s easier to write an email than to say it to you out loud. I swear I have been screaming these words from the highest mountain but now I can't seem to get my tongue to form the sounds. I am sorry I have been such an ass. I have been mean to you since mid second semester. If it wasn't playfully throwing shade, I was avoiding you. And for that I am sorry. Just because I felt hurt and betrayed does not justify treating you poorly. You also didn't do anything to warrant me to feel hurt or betrayed. Or at least you don't know you did. Even through I know my feelings are invalid I still feel them and they tend to wreak havoc. I am also sorry I haven't allowed you to come visit me at home. Home is where there heart is and I have some sorting out to do first. By no means does this mean I am trying to kick you out of my heart and out of my life. I actually look at it like trying to save you and keep you in my life. I know you know I have been acting strange and I am almost positive you have ideas about why. I don't know whether I want to confirm or deny your suspicions. I don't even know if I want to know what you think. Talking about it, whatever it is, makes it real; Means I’m not crazy and that it exists. I don't know if I want that, if I’m ready for it to be real, if I am ready for things to change. even by talking things change. I want things to stay the same, I have been fighting that change for so long. Protecting something very important and special. I've been putting it above everything my own well being my wants, desires, and feelings. I have been being the non-bias indifferent good person I know I should be. Almost everything I have done has been in earnest. I will not leave you guessing about what is that I have done for my own selfishness. You asked me to hold the ring for you and I did. But I wore it and I loved it and it was only because I was upset that I gave it back. I fancied keeping it. I was going to buy a chain to keep it on and wear it all summer. It was going to be enough. I couldn't have wanted for more. I didn't want for more. But then out of anger I gave it back it. And again out of anger I tried to shut you out. But how could I stay angry if part of me is discontent at a lost. I found myself upset again. I refuse to see-saw back and forth between anger and sadness only to achieve balance when you are there. It’s an unraveling sort of state to be in. The madness of my life must stop. I want nothing more than for it to stop. But it continues even now you see how I could want for nothing more than to have the ring but also want for an end to the madness they are opposites of the see-saw. The balance remains the same, where the see-saw only favors an end when you’re missing. I need to talk to you to appease the see-saw but I can't tell you without sacrificing what’s most important. So far not telling has been the lesser of two evils but not ideal because I fear that there will come a time that neither outweighs the other. Where not tell is just as detrimental to my precious as giving in to my own personal gain of stopping the madness. If such a time ever arises I wonder will I still have something worth protecting or to sacrifice. Will it at that point even be worth saving? Knowing that time is against me just adds to my anxieties. This just makes me act shittier towards you. Again I do not mean it, and I am sorry. I truly do not harbor any resent meant for you. I am trying very hard to be less bitter. There really isn't anything you can do to help. I just have to get myself in order. I ask that you be patient with me while do this. It’s a balancing act you know, much like life. Where you balance what you responsibilities and your fun, work and play. Love and friends, Balance is the key.
Sometimes it’s easier to write an email than to say it to you out loud. I swear I have been screaming these words from the highest mountain but now I can't seem to get my tongue to form the sounds. I am sorry I have been such an ass. I have been mean to you since mid second semester. If it wasn't playfully throwing shade, I was avoiding you. And for that I am sorry. Just because I felt hurt and betrayed does not justify treating you poorly. You also didn't do anything to warrant me to feel hurt or betrayed. Or at least you don't know you did. Even through I know my feelings are invalid I still feel them and they tend to wreak havoc. I am also sorry I haven't allowed you to come visit me at home. Home is where there heart is and I have some sorting out to do first. By no means does this mean I am trying to kick you out of my heart and out of my life. I actually look at it like trying to save you and keep you in my life. I know you know I have been acting strange and I am almost positive you have ideas about why. I don't know whether I want to confirm or deny your suspicions. I don't even know if I want to know what you think. Talking about it, whatever it is, makes it real; Means I’m not crazy and that it exists. I don't know if I want that, if I’m ready for it to be real, if I am ready for things to change. even by talking things change. I want things to stay the same, I have been fighting that change for so long. Protecting something very important and special. I've been putting it above everything my own well being my wants, desires, and feelings. I have been being the non-bias indifferent good person I know I should be. Almost everything I have done has been in earnest. I will not leave you guessing about what is that I have done for my own selfishness. You asked me to hold the ring for you and I did. But I wore it and I loved it and it was only because I was upset that I gave it back. I fancied keeping it. I was going to buy a chain to keep it on and wear it all summer. It was going to be enough. I couldn't have wanted for more. I didn't want for more. But then out of anger I gave it back it. And again out of anger I tried to shut you out. But how could I stay angry if part of me is discontent at a lost. I found myself upset again. I refuse to see-saw back and forth between anger and sadness only to achieve balance when you are there. It’s an unraveling sort of state to be in. The madness of my life must stop. I want nothing more than for it to stop. But it continues even now you see how I could want for nothing more than to have the ring but also want for an end to the madness they are opposites of the see-saw. The balance remains the same, where the see-saw only favors an end when you’re missing. I need to talk to you to appease the see-saw but I can't tell you without sacrificing what’s most important. So far not telling has been the lesser of two evils but not ideal because I fear that there will come a time that neither outweighs the other. Where not tell is just as detrimental to my precious as giving in to my own personal gain of stopping the madness. If such a time ever arises I wonder will I still have something worth protecting or to sacrifice. Will it at that point even be worth saving? Knowing that time is against me just adds to my anxieties. This just makes me act shittier towards you. Again I do not mean it, and I am sorry. I truly do not harbor any resent meant for you. I am trying very hard to be less bitter. There really isn't anything you can do to help. I just have to get myself in order. I ask that you be patient with me while do this. It’s a balancing act you know, much like life. Where you balance what you responsibilities and your fun, work and play. Love and friends, Balance is the key.
Promised,
J Skittles
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