It is especially hard to watch all my friends graduate today and not be amoung them. I feel like a failure and today is definitely a low point of the year. I want to post pictures, I want to walk across the stage, I want to move on to a new chapter in my life. Being stagnant is much harder than you would think. Taking steps is hard sometimes but standing still feels like a jail sentence. I know there is not much I can do but that fact doesn't give me any comfort. If anything it makes me feel more hopeless being dam near powerless. I am still in school taking classes but I can only handle so many credit hours due to my health. I have this constant feeling that I should be doing better. I think failing to meet your own expectations is more devastating than failing to mesure up to outsiders expectations. Why it is so hard for me to adjust my goals to my current situation is beyond me. I believe it behooves us to have realistic goals for ourselves. It helps keep our stress levels down while still providing that self confidence boost when you achive said goal. So why don't I take my own advice? I think part of me still fundamentally believes that I am better than this and if I just tried harder I would do better. My consciousness can't wrap its head around the fact that my brain is sick and unbalanced. My brain should be able to tell its self it's sick. Human design flaw in my opinion. I am envious of all my friends off to start thier adult lives. I am extremely jealous and sad that I am not doing that too. But I have to remind myself that I will get there one day. Not any time soon but one day. In the mean time my life has all sorts of perks that I would not be able to do if my life was any different. I'm able to travel a lot, spend time with my little brother, and work on a number of activism projects. So I am still working at having a life despite the difficulties. I am able to do things they could not and I don't think I would have traded my life for there's. I just want to be able to do it all. Is that too much to ask.
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