Skittles: Amoriartii got engaged

I'm not dying. I thought I would die. I thought I would fall a part. I thought I need to avoid it until I could be with someone who supports me. I thought I would feel everything if I just stopped taking my antidepressants and just jumped in feet first. I exspected this to hurt. I exspected to cry a lot more. I did cry but not really over the engagement. While I was still taking my antidepressants I had a major depressive episode and just wanted everything to end, KU, my relationship with Amoriartii, my life,  everything. I wasn't really sad about the engagement, I was just depressed, shocker. I have been off my antidepressants for 3 days and I've been okay. But I've had my people and lots of chocolate. So I've been stimulating my brain in a way that temporarily staves of the depression. Basically been hitting all the pleasure centers of my brain like crazy while also coming out of a down swing. If I was in the middle of a down swing this would have gone very differently and I would have needed my meds to handle it. But I'm starting my meds back in the morning because my doctors and I haven't talked about me stopping them permanently or for extended periods of time. So I think 3 days is the max amount of time I can not take them without putting myself in danger. I didn't drink like I wanted to.  I tried but I just couldn't. There wasn't enough time, I never met up with the friend I was going to get drunk with, I didn't eat enough on the day I could have, and also it's expensive to get drunk at a bar.  I drank in moderation, which was enough.  I talked a lot.  My thoughts and my feelings hardy ever line up. So I talked a lot about how I knew nothing was going to change if I didn't want it to, even though it felt like everything was going to change.  Amoriartii is my friend and my lover. If I truly love them and not the idea of us I would want them to be happy, and I do.  Amoriartii and I have talked about this. I was not blind sided or caught off guard. They asked me before doing anything.  I had a chance to change things. I didn't becuase I do love them.  I know that they love me.  I think I was afraid of the change that I knew wasn't going to happen and I let my fear get the best of me for two days.  I also think I am feeling neglected becuase I want more romantic attention than I'm getting. I know that Amoriartii is not at a place where they can give me the attention that I want right now. I also know that when they can they will. In the meantime I just need find other ways to get my needs met.  While I was visiting Lovely for the past two days I got the attention I was craving and the intimacy that I wanted. I felt better. I just need a more practical way to fill that void, that doesn't involve a two hour flight plus three and half hours of public tranist time. I'm not emotional dependant on one person for my happiness, but I do need people to be happy. I haven't quite figured out how to self sooth when I'm not getting what I want but I'm working on that. Once I learn how to care for myself better I will no longer be afriad of falling a part every time there is a major event in my life.  I am also discoving that I am a lot stabler,  and stronger than I thought I was. I just need to get down to what's really bothering me.  In this case I wanted attention and intimacy and once I got it I was fine. I will always probably be extremely dramatic and blow things out of proportion. But if I stop freaking out, breath, and think about it I can save myself a lot of grief.

I am worried I am falling out of love with Amoriartii. Part of me worries that I'm not as mature as I seem and just don't care anymore. I know that my emotional reaction to their engagement is not proof that I don't love them anymore.  I also know that I need to wait see them then decide. Like I said above I feel neglected so it might not be a lack of love but a lack of patience on my part. I still light up every time I get something from them.  I miss them. I constantly think about them. 
I worry about them. I just haven't seen them in a few months and that takes its toll.  So if I go see them this summer I will make up my mind then. I just need to keep myself from jumping to conclusions.