I remember Sunday June 12th and Monday June 13th 2016. Early Sunday morning, I lost Amanda Alvear, my friends cousin. I met her a year ago in Chicago at United Latino Pride week while she was visiting her cousin. I was in the airport flying to Chicago for a concert. I looked up at the news as I waited impatiently for my flight. My heart dropped out of my chest. A mass shooting at a gay club during Latin night. So many thoughts ran through my head. What exactly happened? Is everyone okay? The love of my life was just in Orlando, is Amoriartii okay? Felix is from Orlando and was there is he okay? How are my other queer friends handling the news? I write for a queer news paper so I quickly took to my blog to write up a brief but concise post. Then I started to cry as I woke up all my friends at 9 am. Calling them to see if they knew already. Often being the first person to tell them the bad news with as much info as I had available. I went to a Florence and the Machine concert that night. She sang Spectrum and You've the love running around the stage with a rainbow flag in honor of the victims. I flew back to DC where I was doing my summer internship the next day. We had a morning meeting about it. I worked for the National LGBT Taskforce. They told us to talk to each other. To lean on one another. That our work was more important now than ever as we are where people are going for action to take, and a space to heal. We are the leaders. They encouraged us to go to rallies, marches, vigils, and protest. Grieve they said. Take time but also be in community. I got text through out the day from my other queer friends asking how I was coping. I herd from Amoriartii and Felix, they were home back in DC safe when the shooting happened. Then the list of the dead started to come out. I kept refreshing the page, praying no one I knew would be on the list. Amoriartii lost two friends, they were a couple. I wanted to run to Amoriartii's side but they are the type to grieve alone. Then I saw the faces of the dead and I went into shock. Amanda was dead. I called her cousin and we just stayed on the phone crying for at least an hour. I went to a vigil that night. By the time I got home I was done crying. I had spent the past 24 plus hours crying. I had called or texted every queer person in my phone. I had gotten messages or messaged every queer person I knew on Facebook. We were there for each other. I was mad though. Not one of my straight friends or family members who I was out to checked on me except one of my sisters (my favorite one). I took to Facebook and called them all out. I made it public outing myself to my family but I was mad and straight people with queer friends needed to know we needed them right now. If they fought for marriage equally we need you to show up again. If they attend our pride prades we need them to show up now. And if you go to our clubs or our parties how could you not show up for us!? My family and friends apologize saying they knew I was safe because of my check-ins on Facebook. Just because I was physically okay did not mean I was emotionally okay. I needed them and they weren't there. I got home to my cousin who I was staying with for the summer and she held me and I cried.
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