Trigger warning:
Suicide
Content warning:
Suididal ideation
Dear J Skittles (age 7-21),
I am writing this letter to us because I couldn't think of anyone I would send a letter like this to. I know that sounds sad that at in my twenties I don't have people to say goodbye to. That's not true though. I had plenty of people to say goodbye to. I Said most of my goodbyes in person. Of course they didn't know but I tried my best to get everyone to resolve anything that they have been holding back. I had a last super of sorts with all my siblings. I sent gifts to people who I said goodbye to but they are going to take this particularly hard.
I want you all to know we lived one heck of a life. We didn't finish our degree but we did start our research on the application of Nano tech in defense. Raytheon, our dream job, bought our research. All of our mentees are doing amazing. We started a non for profit and it has really taken off. We have traveled quite a bit. We went to Mardi Gras. We created a list of GSAs/QSAs in Chicago so that there can be more opportunities for Queer youth. I spent a lot of time really thinking about the life we've lead. I combed through it best I could. We've made mistakes, we let fear get the best of us, we've let pride get in our way, and we've been stubborn. We've loved fearlessly at times and haphazardly the rest of the time, we've been loyal, we've been a great friend, we've been a great mentor and teacher, we've been courageous, we've been bold, we've supported people/ organizations/ movements/ communities, and we've carried ourselves well. We made up with Gordic. We didn't lose Amoriartii, we're just changing. I can't think of anything we've done in our life that I regret now. I think my only regret is I won't get to be there for my closest cousin E. He's 5. He won't know me or remember me. I made a series of videos for him during the summer that I spent with him so that hopefully he will know that I loved him so much.
We are leaving lots of loved ones behind. Our Aunt C, Unlce J, and Cousin Lorn have become our substitute parents. We talk to them more than our actual parents. Our Fairy God Parents are living thier best lives. They make time for us if we ask but they don't check in like they use to. Mom, my dad's wife, my step dad, and Dad are all good health. They are going to hate themselves for not being able to do more but I wrote them something that hopefully makes it easier. Husband #7 is also doing very well. He moved and codes for a living, the pay is excellent. He's really happy. The siblings are all well. Our favorite might be getting married soon. Of course we are leaving behing our Chicago harem of mistresses and husbands. We are leaving our devoted followers of UIUC, Our international Queers, the sterotypical "good gays" of the west coast, our east coast gays, our black and brown babes, and my Space Federation of Genders. More importantly I'm NOT leaving any partners or dependats of any kind behind.
I'm in Brazil. Carnival has just come to a close and the city is returning to normal. Carnival was life changing. The pure joy that takes place during the festival is my second favorite thing about it. My first would be camaraderie, bonding, and love between complete strangers. At carnival if you avoid the tourist crap and go be with the locals you'll find what I'm talking about. During Carnival with them everyone is welcome and we are all one. This country is so beautiful. The food is everything and more. I've been into the rainforest, what's left of it anyway. Despite humans being awful, the forest is so alive. The rainforest is its own city of animals, plants, and a few indigenous people. There is nothing more natural on land that is better than this. I climbed a tree! I took a canoe down part of the Amazon River. There is so much going on in the waters. I'm not brave enough to swim in it but it is incredibly what you can see just from the surface. The main beaches are always crowed. The lesser known beaches are breath taking. I can smell the salt in the air as soon as I get close. Night walks by the water are things right out of our dreams. The cities are remarkable. I've been to Sõa Paulo and Rio. The suburan and rural of Brazil are also picturesque. I've seen the slums. It is heartbreaking. The people are still so friendly. From a far the slums are aesthetically visually pleasing. However, when you're actually in them its different. Its still quite a sight but your are more aware. Its hard to decribe, from a far its pretty, when your inside there is a humbling and draws the humanity out of you.
I'm still in Brazil, on a cliff over looking the water. We've accomplished thighs we've never dreamed of, never knew existed, never thought we could, and worked hard for. I wanted to graduated and work my dream job, but we didn't get that far. I wanted to have more dogs we won't get that far either. We made it this far, and I for 1 think that's an accomplishment given the circumstances. We are living our dream. I am not afriad, not that I thought I would be. I am at peace for the first time in a long time. I am more than satisfied with the life we've lead and this has been a wondeful final chapter. Our suffering is over. Our pain is over. We will no longer be crushed by other's expectation for us. We will no longer be killing ourselves to try and meet our own unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
Free at last,
J Skittles 202?
This is a letter I will never send because time travel doesn't exist yet. It doesn't look like it will exist by 2030 either. This is why I haven't been to Brazil yet. It is the last place I want to go before I die. I want to die there. That has been the plan since I did a report on Brazil in grade school. Its hard to explain my suicidal ideation. I always want to die. The feeling just varies in intensity. The intent on actually carrying out a plan varies as well. I currently have no intent on going through with this during the '20s. Thus second reason I can't send this letter. Now wanting to die is also different than wanting to kill myself. If we did this on a scale from 1 (little to no desire) to 10 (extreme desire probably all I think about) the break down would go as follows:
Desire to die: 8
Desire to kill myself: 1
Intent on carrying out a plan to commit suicide: 1
That basically means I have little regaurd for my life and won't think twice about engaging in most risky behavior. But I'm leaving it up to chance. I'm not actively seeking out danger, I just don't run from it. I'm not planning to die so I can't send this letter. I'm just wishfully hoping.
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