I was talking about this with Lex. Yes my ex boyfriend Lex. We're really good friends now. I find the chaos and pressure centering. In the madness I find meaning. The chaos exacerbates my problems and reflects the worst in me. If I can figure how to solve this easier lager version I can fix myself.
I'm attracted to the chaos that is black velvet. I know they are unstable. I know they are leaving. I know they are suicidal. I know they only like what unavailable. I know they are self-destructive. I know I can't fix them. That doesn't stop me from wanting to help them, lessen their suffering. I hate to watch people go through something I've already beaten.
I like the instability and fickle nature. I'll never be board. It's exciting and that's what I'm constantly chasing. Someone interesting enough to hold my attention. Leaving/dying makes them unavailable and God do I just love something I know I can't have. Tell me no and push me away and I'll follow you like the emotionally neglected puppy my mother raised me to be. I'm self destructive too. Because I know going after them will only hurt me. It will leave me broken and crying for months.
I told black velvet I liked them back in April and they said they weren't interested. Now they are giving me all this attention. It's confusing. Do I accept their advances. Do I do nothing. Do I shut them down. I do still want to sleep with them. But I don't know if I can do that with out really falling for them.
I want to be close to someone without dating them. I miss the intimacy I had with a friend. We were so close and I really want that again. I feel like I could foster that with black velvet because I get them. I feel like they get me. What kindred spirits in a sense. Both souls of chaos.
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