I struggle when finding out that I have made my friends uncomfortable. I love my friends more than anything in the world. They have back. They are loyal, loving, supportive and make me feel safe. I want that to go both ways. Heartbreak sucks but the guilt I feel when I hurt my friends is how people can tell I have a conscience. I go out of my way again and again to show up for my friends. I give them my food, my clothes, whatever, I'd go without so they can have. I know I need to change and I'm working with them to figure out exactly how. I also know that my guilt and shame are of no use to them and I need to deal with it. I need to pick myself up so I can do better. But that's were I'm at a loss. I'm devastated. I don't want to hurt people. I'm already intimating and scary, people feel like they don't have a choice around me, that it's my way or nothing. I deal with that. But my friends, they should know me well enough to know I care about their feelings, opinions, boundaries, thoughts and well being (physical and mental). I talk all the time about the fact that there is little difference between how I love a partner and how I love my friends. That's because they are both founded in the same respect, understanding, and personal investment theories. I am a better partner because my friends have taught me what true love is. Now finding out that people I've know for 5 or more years don't feel safe with me just decimates the foundation of the method in which I base all and every type of relationship. I've nursed these people back to health when they fell ill. I've taken these people home and tucked them in when they were black out drunk. I've been there for more heart breaks than I can count. I've spent nights snuggling asleep with them. They never said anything, out of fear, out of shame, I don't know. It's so fucked up to think they trust me to take care of them but not enough to tell me when I'm hurting them. They tell me everything, except that they are ahead afraid of me.
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