Skitt: words to etsy

honestly i am just afraid. i am paralyzed by an overwhelming fear of not being able to function. am i actually as fragile as i think or is my frailness a figment of my imagination brought on by psychological trauma. its a phobia like any other, completely unreasonable and illogical but still somehow seems rational. Philophobia is whats its called. i don't know if i could handle the toll it would take just to participate. just to feel. and i am almost positive that if i do somehow make it through that, there is no way i would ever recover from the fall out. falling out is like is crashing from space into the earth. it would surely kill me this time. i want to say i am too broken to heal, damaged beyond repair. all thats left for me now is damage control and learning to manage. try not to make it worse you know. when you have something wrong with your heart and the surgeon's go in and fix it they tell you to take it easy for the next 6 months. give your heart a break. but you know somethings you just can't fix and you're never 100% ever again. so its like hey you're good but take it easy for the rest of your life type thing. thats all i'm trying to do. i'm just trying to take it easy for the rest of my life. so i come across as guarded, distant, uninterested, or just plain cold not because i am but because i need to be. i wish i was as badass as i pretend to be. i wish i didn't care so much or i could turn of emotion when it was convenient for me. i am just trying to protect myself. i don't want it to break and more. i so i guard with my life like my life depends on it because it does. my fear has crippled me to the point where i think that if it was hurt any more than it already is that it would just be broken. and nothing or no one could fix it. now i know its seems like i am just afraid of the pain that is associated with it. Agliophobia is the fear of pain and i do not have this phobia. in fact what i am doing is often more painful. but it doesn't cause any damage. its momentary happiness and pain with out any of the repercussions. because i still feel because it still beats. it longs and yearns and wants i just can't through. this is what the anxiety has brought me to and it isn't pretty. but neither is fear itself. fright is represented by black while calm is white. so the six ways to crazy fear that i have must fall somewhere between the 2. which would make sense. different level of peace/ terror and fifty one different shades of black white grey. i must be more to the grey to black side because nothing about this is calm. fifty one different shades of the blackness from the fear and the pain from the grey. fifty on different shades of torture and agony that i am forced to live through day in and day out because my worse fears are coming true, and theres nothing i can do about it. i am already falling and its scary. not knowing if i'm going to survive or if i can handle it. the only part of me that isn't scared is the part that should be scared the most. my heart is either stupid or fearless ( maybe even suicidal)because its not afriad. it knows it could love you with a love that would be rivaled for a thousand years. however i as a mind and body are paralyzed by my fear of loving you. my fear of falling in love with anyone, but especially you, because you love me back. that is just so terrifying, fifty one different shades of scary to be exact. because honestly i am just afraid because i'm falling in love with you.


how does anyone manage to love again after being hurt so many times. i think i wanted to call it quits after 3 loves. logic and reason should teach us better. we are humans due to our amazing ability to learn, adapt, and change. i see now that evolution just doesn't apply to love. because one of us would have learned better by now. i can handle the pain and sadness that come with the aftermath but i don't know if i could handle losing the happy. losing the guarded smart fearful me. love makes me happy and makes me act like i can do anything. and i don't want to feel like that unless its going to last forever. i get so high i mean i get higher that anyone i've ever known and it just gets worse by the day. oh and i can't stop smiling it's terrible because i never realize how bad it is till after because my cheeks hurt like hell. anyway i really wanted to call this post fifty one different shades fear and terror addition. i was watching a sad break up flick with my friend who lives downstairs and i decided to write this in response to her calling me chicken shit. she was like " girl you so stupid you just afraid of the pain and thats no way to live" and i agree it's not but i am honestly just afraid of love itself. loving etsy from a far hurts like hell. because everyday i want to hug him and kiss him and tell him i love him. it mess up my whole day if i don't see him or if he leaves without saying goodbye. i pouted cuz he didn't give me a hug. and i can't help it i really like him so it bothers me that he doesn't do these things or that i can't do things for him cuz we aren't together. but we never will be. because i just can't love him right now. and i might never be able to. because i as a person need to be okay first. i need to know me for a while. maybe take myself out on a date. shower myself with gifts and presents. i need to love me before i can even begin to love anyone else. esty deserves a responsible emotionally stable adult. and i'm just not there. it is so difficult because i love him so much more than i love myself and that a problem. i can't lose myself in someone else again. i know i'm over thinking things i know i need to get out of my head but my head is protecting me and its right. think about it for real. how can you love someone if you can't even love yourself; how can you expect someone to love you right if you don't know how to love yourself; how can you expect to be able to come out of a relationship as an individual if you didn't even go in as one, you didn't lose yourself in your relationship there was never a you to begin with; how are you going to love someone if you don't know what love is. that's why i'm not going to date etsy. i'm going to date myself because i need to work on me for once.