I have been out and proud since I was 14 years old. My queer identities have been evolving with me. Over the years I've learned, I've gotten more involved in activism, I've started mentoring, and I've given more thought to my idenites. However, it's not rainbows, butts, happiness, and glitter. Middle sexualites ( I'll explain that term later) and any gender that is not strictly male or strictly female (male and female being binary genders) get a lot of shit from within the community and outside the community. I'll be focusing on the sexualities in this one. I'll do another that talks about the genders. Queer is the only sexuality that is also a gender identity. Queer is the only identity that falls within the middle sexualites that doesn't get hell from inside the community. Queer is also 1 of the 2 gender identity that isn't strictly a binary gender that also doesn't get hell from with in the community, the other being 2 Spirit. (I think it's because 2 Spirit is from the American indigenous community and we know better than to shit on indigenous communities.)
What are middle sexualites? Anything that's not completely homosexual, heterosexual, or asexual. Demisexual is part of the Greyscale identities not technically a sexuality. Why is asexual a sexuality and not just part of the Greyscale idenites? Asexual does two things at once. Asexual explains who you are sexually attracted to which is what makes a sexuality. It also says how sexual you are which is a grayscale identity. So if it explains who you are D2F then its a sexuality. If one doesn't identify as completely homosexual, heterosexual or asexual or one doesn't identify as gay, straight, lesbian, same gender loving or opposite gender loving then they would fall into the group of middle sexualites.
Let's start with what I believe the most common middle sexuality outside of Queer, Bisexual: Pride flag (from top to bottom) Pink, Purple, Blue. I know it seems everyone loves Bisexuals but if you openly identify as Bi you know that's not true. First of it gets the bad rap of being a phase. This has lead to a lot of discrimination even within the bisexual community. In my experience people think its a phase because gay men come out as bisexual first before fully coming out as gay. There are many different reasons for this, safety, easier to for some people to accept, internalized homophobia, etc. Some women do this too, before coming out as a lesbian, or while experimenting with female sex. This leads to people seeing bisexuality as a phase, that were confused, just having fun, or we haven't made up our minds yet. Bisexuals do this to newly out Bisexuals too. We don't believe people because we feel like they are just using the identity to slowly lead their loved ones into acceptance. Its not fair to deny someone their safety just because we bisexuals really hate the stereotype. Also sexualities evolve, maybe at some point someone was bisexual but now they are something else, that's fine. Bisexual men are hard to find and probably have it the worst. Most straight women don't want to be with a guy who has been with a guys. I think this comes from the AIDS/HIV epidemic. Gay men who weren't out would be having sex with other men and then go home to their wife or girlfriend. This lead to women getting HIV/AIDS because the men weren't using protection with the men or their women. So women had to werry of men on the "Down Low" aka not out and having relationships with women. This stigma hasn't gone away despite the drop in new HIV infections in the States. What I hear is that gay men don't like bisexual men because gay men are misogynist. In college my fellow gay male students were disgusted by vaginas.
*Side Note*
One of my gay friends, a fellow college student, asked me "How do you put your mouth down there (on a vagina)? Aren't you worried it (the vagina) will bite you?" I can not make this up, he honestly thought the vagina has teeth. Many of them had so many misconceptions about vaginas. Here are some of my favorites: Pee comes out of the same hole the penis goes in and babies come out| There is dried blood in there from our periods| Teeth| All vaginas smells and taste like rotting fish| No part of the vagina helps a person with one orgasms| Periods are like that scene in the shining where the wave of blood comes out of the elevator| Clitoris? What's that?|
*Side Note*
Most gay men don't know much about the vagina and are repulsed by them. Thus gay men really don't want a bisexual man that has ever been in a vagina. So bisexual men usually are forced back into the closet. When they are with women they say they are straight. When they are with a guy they say they are gay. Before you say isn't that true through? No! That's not how that works. When I'm with a man I'm still bisexual. I still find women sexually attractive. When I'm with a woman, I'm still bisexual. I still find men attractive. My partner doesn't dictate my sexuality, I do! Female identified bisexuals have slightly different problems. I, as well as all my female bisexual friends, find it hard to date men. So many guys here the words "Bisexual lady" and think threesome. Let me just say bisexuality does not mean we have any interest threesomes. Bisexual females are not here to fulfill your sexual fantasies. Please stop asking bisexual women to make out for your pleasure, or say its okay for them to sleep with women outside of your relationship as long as you can watch. Bisexual women are not living sex objects. Bisexuals are not more likely to cheat. I have been turned down by so many lesbians because they are afraid I would cheat on them with a man, or leave them for a guy. I've never been a cheater. Bisexuals are no more likely to cheat than anyone else. All Bisexual are not hypersexual. There are some, but that's the case for almost every sexuality. Bisexuals are not hornier, having more sex, or lustful than anyone else. Each bisexual is still a unique person. There isn't some giant factory churning us out like cell phones. Not all bisexuals have a preference of gender. When I came out at 14 I preferred women to men (80% -20%) until I started college. At 18 in college I preferred men to women (85%-15%). Since 22, I don't really have a preference, I just like them extremely Queer looking. Finally bisexuals aren't bisexual to be greedy. We didn't wake up one day and say "why not be able to have sex with everyone?" Its difficult to be out and hook up because most people think we have sexually transmitted infections or don't want to sleep with a bisexual. Bisexuals have this problem of never looking "queer enough". In queer spaces we are usually read as straight. In straight spaces we are usually read as queer. Unlike gay and lesbian there is not stereotypical way to look bisexual, so we go unseen. Erasure is a huge deal. We just want to be accepted and not judged like everyone else.
Oh wait there's more! There is obviously more than two middle sexualites or there wouldn't be conferences fouced on them. There would be a lot less Pride Flags, I know of at least 22. Also humans are very complexed animals and we different terms for the slightest difference in nuances.
Pansexual: Pride Flag Pink, Yellow, Blue.
Pansexual officially means you are attracted to a person, regardless of gender. I understand it to mean one doesn't care what's in a person's pants or what gender they identify as just if they are sexy. What pansexuals find attractive maybe physical or it might be a person's personality. I think based on definition there are way more pansexuals than any other sexuality. However, not everybody who subscribes to finding people sexy regaurdles of their identify as Pan. At one point I was definitely Pan, but I had already grown attached to my Bi lable and the colors of the Bi flag. Pan people get the immature comments all the time 1]"So your attracted to kitchenware?" They also get the same question all the time 2]"How could you not care what gender your partner is?" They also are asked if they have a preference 3]"Okay but which do you like more, penis or vagina more?" Since pansexuals are defiantly tired of answering these questions I'll answer them as a comrade on behalf of Pansexuals: 1]" I don't fuck pots but I can fuck you up with a cast iron pan." 2] "They are an amazing human who treats me like royalty; all I generally care about is what we are having for dinner and watching on netflix before they rock my dam world all night long." 3] "Why you trying to fuck?" Respect people and stop being a dick.
Polysexual: Pride flag Pink, Green, Blue. The technical definition for Polysexual is attracted to more than two genders but not all genders. Every Polysexual is different. Just because two people are both polysexual doesn't mean they are attracted to the same genders. For example a polysexual person could be attracted to females, genderfluid people, and agender people. That is more than two genders but not attracted to all, because male isn't in there, neither is non binary, plus countless others that aren't those three gender identities. Polysexual is always confused with polyamory. Polyamory is drastically different in that's it's not a sexuality but a type of romantic relationship structure. Polysexual is also confused with Pansexual. I think people think Polysexual is Pan because of one's limited knowledge of gender identities. Pan is all, Bi is technically two, and Polysexual is more than two but not all. Within the community some see Polysexual as transphobic. That's not true. The only way for a Polysexual person to make their identity transphobic is to make it Cisgender specific. So Cis male, Cis female, and either 2 Spirit, Male/Female Bigender, or Male/Female Genderfluid.
*Side Note*
People who identify as the last 2 gender identities I listed, in my experience, usually don't seek gender change related medical treatment and don't always identify as part of the trans community ( despite the identities technically falling under the trans umbrella). This does not hold always, and might not even for the majority of people who identify as those two specific gender identities. This is just what I have observed in my friends who identify as Male/Female Bigender, or Male/Female Genderfluid.
*Side Note*
If a polysexual person makes those distinctions then yes they are being transphobic. However, that is not the majority of Polysexuals. Let them live and love.
Gynosexual: Pride Flag possibly Pink, Maroon, Green. Androsexual: Pride Flag possibly Blue, Brown, Purple. These two identities are fairly new to me. I had a hard time finding there flags on the internet. I was able Androphilia and Gynephilia, terms used in behavioral science but that's slightly different. Andro means attracted to masculinity, Gyno means attracted to femininity. Andro does not mean strictly attracted to male identified people. Someone who is androsexual could be attracted to butch (masculine) lesbians. Gynosexual could mean attracted to flamboyant (usually feminine) gay men. This is a broader view on sexuality as it relates to gender and presentation. In my opinion they are too new (the words for the idenites) to be discriminated against.
Finally there is Skoliosexual/ Ceterosexual: pride flag Yellow, Green, Pink, White, Black. This is probably the closest sexuality to my actual sexuality. I understand it as Non-Cis people attracted to other Non-Cis people. Isn't that just homo? No. There are so many Non-cisgender identities. The easiest way to explain it is a specific subset of Polysexual, even though its not. Why is it not Polysexual? Polysexual has nothing to do with your gender. You can be any gender and be Polysexual. You have to not be Cisgender to be Ceterosexual. This is too much. Why so many complex nuances? I agree that we humans are much to complex. I vote devolving and becoming Bonobos, but I digress. If you couldn't guess this one gets flack for being slightly ( but very importantly) different that all the others. There is fighting about the name, something about Skolio's meaning in Latin and/or Spanish. There is fighting about the definition. There is fighting about the fact that it can be seen as self fetishizing. I propose we take a lover not fighter approach to sexuality 😉. Might get more accomplished.
This is by no means all the middle sexualities. These are just the ones I know the most about. These are also the ones that have made it or have almost made it to mainstream. "Made it" is extremely subjective. My rule is if I can say it at one of America's main queer conferences and the majority of the attendees are familiar with the term. Despite what's going on, the generations coming up are queerer than ever before. The majority of queer teens identify as a middle sexuality. It was 1 in 10 people were Queer when I came out. I think it's like 1 in 5 or something now. Middle sexualites are the majority in the queer community but you wouldn't know based on representation. Or based on what you see. Why? It's hard to be visibly any of the middle sexualities because there's no dress code (stereotype around what we look like). Why aren't we in media? That require giving queer character's a story line and probably some character development. Why? It would require a lot of air time to develop multiple relationships to let viewers know the character is not homo or hetero. Even when they do get air time everyone forgets. No one remembers Arizona from Grey's Anatomy is bisexual. Also Arizona gets cheated on, she never cheats. A character would have to be constantly kissing many different people of different genders, wearing a shirt, having a sign, run around with a flag, or something ridiculous. Just remember it's not all gay men, butch lesbians, and drag queens. We exist, and we’re among you right now. Closer than you think.
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