so it was really cold and misty and foggy today. but no snow so i am not complaining about the weather. it is just one of those winter days that remind me how much i hate this season. so in efforts not to swing back in to a relapse ( keep reading i will explain) i decide to listen to Pandora. and i swear i don't know why i have friends when Pandora know how i feel and knows whether to cheer me up or give some tough love. but you know when it come to Kimmi i don't want tough love. back story: Kimmi was the first girl i feel in love with. she was m first female crush. my first mentor my first high school friend. ( i didn't go to my community high school i left my town and went to the city for school) so long story short i loved her ( had a huge fight that ruined whatever kind of relationship we had) then i hated that i love then i hated her then i got over her ( i saw her while i was walking downtown after 2yrs of not speaking) then i realized i still loved her then i was screwed. present day Kimmi is a very touchy subject for me. not even my best friend is a loud to talk about her. not even my gf. i mean they both know and i tell the longer version of the story to friend all the time but i don't take advice on her. but i will talk about her with you guys. but back to what i was saying in the beginning. i was a truly miserable day. and it was days like this in January when it is never warmer then 5 degrees that kimmi liked to walk around the city and discover beauty in all of it horridness and corruption. we would go all over the city looking for lack of ppl and uniqueness we found bakeries and shops and parks. these days seems just as good as sometimes even better than the blue sky days spent staring at the sky talking to her on the phone so i decide i am slipping and i turned on my Pandora hoping it would be my savior no such luck Pandora was in a tough love mood and greeted with Daugherty " Life after You" "Its Not Over" "Crashed" " Learn my Lesson" then it decide to fallow up with some sad songs from her fav bands. ( don't ask me why i still know they are her favorite). so i here i am the sad little puppy right . sitting here feeling rejected on a 45 min train ride home with nothing to do. so my mind does what it does best day dreams/ remembers ( now only if i could get it to remember important stuff like keys or where i parked the car). and i have nobody to share it with but you guys. i mean in short all the daydreams where about how stuff never seems so bad when i was with her. like rain meant we got to share and umbrella. snow meant we got to cuddle for warmth. heat meant we got ice-cream!!! i wish i could say i don't love her but i do. but i would never tell her that even if we did talk. it always just comes back to how i wish i would have told her i loved her. even thought i was sure she knew. i just wish i would have said it out loud to her just once. and maybe she would have said it back. and winter wouldn't seems so bitterly cold like it does now. i guess winter just isn't my season.
i decide to write a longer more personal post for my make up post for you guys. that way it is a change for the monotony. give you guys a peak in to a ongoing struggle/ chapter of my. feel free to leave comments on the blogs by the way i would love to hear form you people ( trying to use gender neutral pronouns) if you leave me a topic i will blog about it. or if you as me a question i will answer it in my next blog post. i would like to talk to y'all here from you. so leave comments :) even if it is completely unrelated. i don't bite most of the time. ;) lol oh btw the reason the story is in green is cuz it was Kimmi's fav color
No comments:
Post a Comment