Skittles: I guess this is moving on

It doesn't hurt anymore. I don't know if the pain of losing Eta Carina is gone for good but it doesn't hurt today. I haven't cried about her in a few days too. I'm not angry or anything. I'm okay. I feel bad for healing. I feel bad for moving on. I still love her but not in a way that hurts me anymore. Every dream I had with her has faded to black but I love her anyway. As friends or as lovers I'll love her either way. 

Skittles: Just day and night

I find myself missing her everyday. That feels like an understatement and an overstatement at the same time. I don't miss her every day. Just when I'm bored, want someone to talk to, I'm doing something that was part of my old routine (the one that revolved around talking to her), I can't sleep, I want dumplings, I see something about a cat, I see a happy couple, I see engagement ring ads which Facebook won't stop showing me, I think about the upcoming holidays, I think about what I'm going to wear for Halloween ( we were going to do a couples costume), and when I look up at the sky. Which is why it also feels like an understatement. But it feels like I miss her the appropriate amount. 

The grief comes in waves and makes it's self conformable in my bones. It feels like work getting from under the sadness. Happiness is effort I don't always want to put forth. It is lack of interest in everything I use to love and numbness for the people I know I still care about. I feel dead and empty inside. There's a magnetic hole trying to attract something it will never get back. But it pulls anyway. Finding every mundane and meaningless object along the way. It finds chocolate and old facebook post. It finds plants that I keep killing. It found dice for DnD that I will never get to play. It found school. It found a person who will never have time for me but looked good on paper. I realized I needed a hobby before it found one for me.

I am doing everything I can to get though this. Talking to her doesn't help. Not talking to her doesn't help. Writing helps me understand myself. My friends try to make me feel better. Sleep is all I can do to escape the feelings and my doctors insist that won't help. Traveling is distracting for a bit. Work is helpful. Being busy is all I can do. Those are the days I don't miss her. Then there are days like this where I didn't do much of anything and we'll we're here. Writing trying not to look up at the stars. Not that I could forget a face full constellations anyway. 

Skittles: all the things I can't say to her

Eta Carina broke up with me. Making this the third time in my 27 years I've been dumped. There's a lot I didn't say cuz it was mean or just unnecessary. So after spending a weekend in Nashville with my friends I've decided to write down everything I wanted, but didn't say.

She should be sorry and hurting. All I ever did was love and support her. I helped her and it just upset her. Cleaned her whole apartment, got her new furniture, and got rid of the roaches. I gave her her first birthday that she felt loved and celebrated. All of that just made her uncomfortable. I'm sorry healthy is foreign to her. But sometimes you shouldn't run from what you don't know. You should sit in the discomfort because it will be comfortable eventually. And I am and will be all she's everything she's ever wanted but didn't know. One day she's going to realize she losing me made everything she's currently trying to do harder. And what I was offering was all she ever needed. That I've only ever had her best interest at heart and would have given her the world if she just let me. She could have been so much better in a year of she just let me love her. Let me help her. She should come back to me and let me love her.

I'm not going to say there's no one else out there who will love her. Or that she'll never find happiness. But she could have had it with me. Had more years of healthy and happy. I hope she finds someone who loves her as much or more than I did. I hope she actually loves them back. I hope they treat her like a god dam princess like I did. I hope they grand gesture the shit out of every birthday, valentine's, and Christmas because she deserves to be celebrated and appreciated and she hasn't had that outside of me. I hope they buy her flowers all the time like I did because she loves how they brighten up her home. I hope they get her candles because she loves the way they smell. I hope they spoil her with presents and she's able to accept them without feeling guilty or unworthy. I hope she learns what she's worth and demands nothing less. I hope they make her laugh all the time and make her so happy she can't stop smiling because that's how I was when I was around her. I hope they take her out for the best food and to the most Instagramable places because she loves to eat and takes pictures of everything. I hope they love her intellectual rants and are able to converse about those topics with her. I hope she gets better and is able to have her relationship with her family how she wants. I hope she heals from all her pain and trauma. I hope they get married and she has a couple kids like she wants to. I hope she's happy.

I am destroyed over someone I taught myself to love. I cry everyday over her. It hurts so bad. It feels like I can't breath some times. The pain in my chest feels like I'm having a heart attack. I can't eat. I can barely work. Mostly I sleep and cry. 

Skittles: piña colada

I love Eta Carina. Like marry her tomorrow spend the rest of our lives together love. Move half way across the country any time she'd have me love. But she doesn't feel the same and that is just one of a few things living in my head making me wonder whether this will work out. Like I feel like 75% it will work if you work at it and the other 25% of the time it was just bad luck and nothing could make it work. I want this to be the 75% of the time obviously. But she wouldn't move for me, and that says a lot. I like big dogs and she doesn't think she could handle one. I like the song Escape (The Piña Colada Song), I find it oddly romantic. She hates it and feels like its about cheating. (she's not wrong but I feel like she's missing the point.)I like traditionally houses with a lot of space, a two car garage, and a back yard. She likes modern townhouse and condos in the city. I am beginning to wonder are we too different to work? Its just a number of little things plus the one big thing being the house. Husband #7 keeps saying "your three month in its not the end of the world if it doesn't work out." I know its not but it feels like it would be. I thought after Amoriartii I would never marry and do the whole domestic thing. Mostly because everything felt like settling for less. Except for Lovely. That felt different but very similar. It was an intense love. I am teaching myself that I don't need an intense love to be happy. I don't need it for the relationship to last because none of the intense ones ever have. I learned ( more like still trying) to stop comparing current relationships to the one with Amoriartii. Now things don't feel like settling they just feel different which I have convinced myself is okay.  I (am trying to) believe that if I want to marry do the whole domestic thing that I can still find someone to love and do that with. So because this isn't an intense love every time even the smallest thing goes awry its like a big alarm goes off in my head. Just straight up panic for like five seconds every time. But this, her unwillingness to move feels like a big thing. Also I am not crazy I am not saying we have to move now. Actually I am saying we are not moving in together now. But I plan so I can save and manage my life accordingly. So if I am going to move to the coast in a couple of years I would like that to be a very stress free process because we planned for this possible outcome. So we talk about it causally with out making concrete plans about what we like and what we don't like. Just making a Pinterest board of future plans together should things work out. With that said we consider a range of possibilities, one being her moving to me. But she just shut it down. Wouldn't entertain the idea for a second. Shoots it down every time I bring it up. Which doesn't sit right with me. If things work out two years is a long time maybe she will change. Equality when it makes sense is important to me in a relationship and equity for when equality doesn't work. It feels both equal and equitable that she should consider moving too! It just bugs me that its such a sticking point with her. It makes me feel less cared for and respected. I don't feel loved. It makes me feel like this won't work and I should be looking for someone who: likes piña coladas

And gettin' caught in the rain (romantically) 

are you kinda into yoga

understands the physics of a plane 

If you like makin' love at midnight

on a boat of the cape

Then I'm the love that you've looked for

Write to me and escape

but I still want this to work so I probably won't post that in my tinder bio just yet. 

skittles: Eta Carina what if you don't get better

These are just notes on conversations I plan to have with Eta Carina. We both suffer from different mental health issues. I'm doing better and she is right now. I recognize the dark place that she said and I want to help but I also need to establish boundaries so that I don't get taken back to that place. 

I want this to work and even if you don't get better I want to be with you. So I guess there's two separate conversations we to have one about you getting better and one where you don't.

 what does getting better mean to you? What does it mean to me? What commitment are will to make to that? What are you willing to sacrifice and do to get better. Are you willing to have the hard conversations were you hear things you might not want to hear. Are you willing to do things that you don't want to do. are you willing to do the things even when you're exhausted and don't feel like you have the energy for it. Are you willing to push past what you feel emotionally to what your physically capable of? Are you willing to train your emotions in a similar way of how you would train your physical muscles. are you willing to work on your emotional stamina in the same way you work on physical stamina. 

If you're not willing to get better what did that mean for our relationship? Do you still want to be with me. Will you accept the help I offer? Will you need more care than I can provide at times. Where do you get that care if not from me. Are you willing to let people in to care for you. Can you accept being cared for. What are the systems we need to set up so that you can maintain where you are. What are some uncomfortable truths we will need to accept. What are so things that will put you Jeopardy of getting worse that we have to eliminate. 

skittles: love sick

Eta Carina has me feeling love sick. I have deeper feelings for her than she does me. Which didn't bother me. But she didn't like how I told her how I felt about her all the time. Which I also understood. But we were suppose to spend the weekend together and she's cancelling. Which again I understand. But the more she pulls away from me the more it hurts. I am trying to have patience, but it's something I've always struggled with and I'm obviously still struggling with. I don't like crying over the person I'm currently with. Especially when they didn't do anything.  Logically I know it's fine but I can't get my emotions to fall in line. Every time it feels like my heart's breaking. I worry that it will hurt to much for me to stay and wait it out