Today's it's impossible to tell where my heart break ends in the depression begins. Honestly I think they're feeding off of each other. Creating a endless feedback loop. I dream of a solace that I know won't come until spring. I sleep, I isolate, I do all the wrong things. It's upsetting because this isn't even the depression where I don't eat. I'm heartbroken so I'm eating. But not heartbroken enough to be shattered. Not sad enough to the point where food has lost all flavor. I am sad enough to be annoying to my friends. Too sad to be around. I've been sad for too long for them to have empathy our patience for me. Sad enough to cry myself to sleep. I think I have cried once everyday for the past week. I honestly don't how I still have enough electrolytes for tears. The dreams I have where I'm still with Eta Carina aren't comforting anymore. I think it is because of accepted that we are no longer together so I know it's a dream when it's happening. I can no longer live in the sweet escape of my subconscious. That hurts. It is a familiar pain in my chest. One from lovers past and probably lovers future.
It didn't work out but I did love her. I think she belongs with the people I have loved. Which is different than the people I've dated. This showed me how loving and committed I am as a partner.
I really do go about 2 to 3 years between loves. Amoriartii in 2013, Lovely in 2016. They kept me occupied until 2019 where I cursed both of there names and fell out of love with them as much as possible. I honestly don't know if I still love them. We'll find out but I digress. Then Eta Carina at the end of 2020 so really the beginning of 2021. So 2023 I can look for love again. I get a whole year to be a person again.
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