Skittles: emo trans spie

Going through an emo rebirth. I was never the type to wear eye liner, dye my hair black, paint my nails black, wear chains, Vans/Converse, and wear all black. But still the emo kid. Outside of the aesthetics of being emo I've got it all down. I have a lot of feelings I just don't show it. I never grew out of my teen angst. I love the music. I stand out in the down pour of the rain screaming, crying, and just generally falling apart. I make mountains out of mole hills cuz I feel everything at 10. I'm going through it all again but like as a 30 year old which feels gross. However I'm still very much attracted to that aesthetic on people my age. Even though I feel gross about it I look at someone else doing it I'm just like "HOT❗💯🔥" I keep thinking I should date another emo person. but I immediately come to my senses because if I did it would just be two people crying all the time. I am listen to a emo playlist right now writing this. 🤘🏿

I'm also struggling being non binary. Not with being non binary itself, cuz I've got that "What the fuck is gender? Why do have to have one? Oh, I've been assigned one by the government since birth? Okay, I might have lost it. Where is that pesky thing? It's got to be here somewhere." Which is the quintessential non-binary experience. No gender feels I have could possibly invalidate my non-binary gender experience just because of what I understand my non binary gender to be. However, being non binary technically makes me trans as well and I struggle with that. Cuz I feel like I'm doing being trans wrong all the time. it doesn't help that I am black and fem looking because it means I instantly get written off as a black trans woman and I'm not that. So I feel like an undercover invasive inner looper. I'm in a space in not supposed to be. But I also sometimes get written off as a black trans guy and I'm not that either. I have a lot of complicated feelings around what it means to be a black male and a lot of complicated feelings around masculinity. So I feel equally uncomfortable being identified as male just from the standpoint of being raised female and having that type of relationship with masculinity. Because I'm technically trans I feel bad about my feelings about my body all the time. Like when I have a good titty day ( a day where I don't want to get my boobs chopped off) I feel like that invalidates my trans-ness. I feel like appreciating my boobs makes me more cisgender because I was born with boobs. I also I hate myself when I feel like I don't not look masculine enough. That feels wrong too specifically in a trans way.  It feels unauthentic because I'm not that type of trans. I feel like a liar. I know that there's no right way to be trans especially being non binary. But it feels like there is a right way to do it and I'm not doing it right. It constantly feels like at any moment everyone's going to turn around and out me as the faker that I am. I would agree with them even though I know I'm not faking. I would believe everyone as they called me a liar because I feel like 1.