12/31/18

Skittles: The year I lost love

Trigger and content warning: Suicide, self-harm, weight, pounds, and suicidal ideation

This year has taken everything out of my. I spent most of the year not drowning but not staying afloat either. I lost the two people I romantically loved. Losing their presence in my life drain me off ability to see the color of the world. I lost the music. I stopped listening to music for a long time. All music was just an auditory representation of my pain. I self isolated and left my community it off fear. I fell out of communication with a number of my friends. I got so low and became so broken that I have to look up to see rock bottom. I've spent this year sinking in my own despair. This pass year has been devoid of meaning and purposes. All I did this year was suffer, whether through external or self infliction.

Pain has been a strict but just teacher. I had to face my fear of imperfection in the public eye. I wasn't crucified. I had to own up to my mistakes and deal with the consequences. The duel heart breaks forced me to admit my wrongs with humility. I've gotten better at being vulnerable with those I trust out of necessity. I've become more aware of how my actions effect others. I'm more considerate of others feelings. I had to go most of this year alone and I'm now more selfreliant. The most important thing all of the hurt taught me was patience.

I spent a good amount of time this year crying. When I couldn't cry any more I started sitting alone in the cold, dark, rain, or shower. When I couldn't sit anymore I walked. When walking didn't work I tried to sleep. My insomnia came back and nothing could soothe me I started cutting again starting with my toes and fingers. Its easy to fixate on something that was an old bad habit. Anything to temporally forget about the pain in my chest.

I have been at my worst this year. I have been on more suicide watches than I have taken trips this year. I couldn't leave the my room alone much less the state. It's been stressful for my siblings and my best friend. I try very hard not to stress my friends so much this year. I cut them off to keep from over burdening. I have gotten better, but no where near where I was. I use to believe I shouldn't want to die. I use to believe it was wrong to want to die. I currently don't want to be alive and apathetically/indifferentlly living. I'm not going to kill myself but not because I don't want to. I'm not going to go out of my way to kill myself. I'm not going to go out get whatever I need, look up instructions, say goodbye, write a note, or any of that. If it's not laid out for me I'm not going to do it.

A few good things did happen this year. Lovely and I are much better. I came out publicly as non binary this year. I've been going by a different name for most of the year. I've been binding my chest more and wearing more masculine clothes. That has been nice. I even told my mom and she took it very well. I also got a dog. She has helped a lot. I've only had her for the last two weeks but I've laughed, smiled, and sang more than I have all year. She makes me feel less alone, empty, sad, and dead. She's amazing. Her nickname is snoot snoot.

I gained weight. To much currently but I'm no longer under weight. I use to be 125 pounds (56.69 kg). I'm 5'4 by the way. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been at 185 pounds (83.91kg). None of my clothes fit. I'll be starting my new job soon so hopefully I'll slim back down to something healthy. I've been basically physically healthy this year. I have an on going hormone imbalance and my insides tried to fall out of me again. Prolapse is soooo much fun. I am also currently suffering from, and I'm not kidding, Broken Heart Syndrome. My doctors don't understand it. Broken Heart Syndrome usually resolves itself with treatment with in a few days. I however, have been lucky enough to have recurring attacks going on 3 weeks now. I'll keep you posted but the last word was stay in the heat medicine and go to therapy.

Due to my achy breaky heart I haven't gotten back out there. I don't want to rebound. I would hate myself for using some as an emotional fix then when I feel better leave them. I do miss the physical contact. I love to snuggle and the lack of human touch has done a number on me. I've slowly started to see friends again and it has made a difference to be with them. I didn't realize how touch starved I had gotten. Holding hands is like coming up for air after being held under for what seems like forever. Little things I took for granted and then unintentionally removed from my life are a breath of fresh air to have back.

To say that my feelings got the best of me this year would be an understatement. I was paralyzed by my feelings. Held captive by my feelings. Tortured by my feelings. Drowned in my feelings. Haunted by my feelings. My mind has been a scary place that I was able to avoid. I was trapped in my head, abused by my own emotions, exploited by my fears. I lived in my nightmares: not being loved, having no one who will let me love them, abandoned/ rejected by those I loved and cared about, weak and vulnerable to my enemies, attacked publicly, having my reputation tarnished, knowing no one cares about me. When I finally got the courage to climb out from under my rock it turned out I had greatly amplified the severity in my head. I did have to face the public but I was not villainized. I was never alone and my people still loved me, despite my disbelief.

This coming year I've want to pick up the pieces of my life. I have a lot of healing to do. I ran out of tears along time ago but I'm just now running out self pitty. I'm going to take a page from older Japanese culture and fix myself up really nice. Kintsukuroi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, silver, platinum, and other precious metals. From what I have learned this art was highly influenced by religion, specifically Buddhism and Shintoism, represented by Mottainai. The phrase Mottainai roughly means "what a waste." Why throw away what could be fixed, repurposed, or recycled? When you add the aesthetic concept wabi-sab of accepting  what's transient, ephemeral, and imperfect you get Kintsukuroi. I'll put myself together with all the silver and gold.

I fell. I shattered. I learned. Now I'm going to heal. I'm going to put myself back together. I'm going to bear my scars proudly. I hope they never let me forget what I learned this year. But it is time to move on.

12/29/18

Skitt: possible super bowl 53 signs

I want the Saints to go to and win Superbowl 53. I have some ideas for signs that the family of the players should have.

1. Girlfriends of the Saints: If you don't come home with a ring, don't come home at all.

2. Wives of the Saints: If you lose your ring, you loose your wife.

3. The women of the Saints: Can't be a trophy wife with out a Superbowl trophy.

4. Wives of the Saints: When I vowed win or loose I was crossing my fingers.

5.  Kids off the Saints: We want the best dad in the world, not the number 2 dad.

6. Kids off the Saints: My mom said if daddy doesn't come home with a ring my new daddy will.

7. Kids off the Saints: My daddy has a new Superbowl ring. If you don't then you're not my dad.

8. Sons of the Saints: My dad and I have matching championship football trophies this year.

9. Daughters of the Saints: My dad is getting his favorite princess a new ring this February. It's going to have a Fleur-de-lis on it.

10. Parents's of the Saints: Our favorite son has a Superbowl 53 ring.

Take a knee, raise a fist, win the ring, sleep, repeat.

12/25/18

Skitt: Christmas songs by dog

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My human gave to me
12 balls bouncing
Eleven squirrels scurrying
Ten mailmen running
Nine toys squeaking
Eight shoes for chewing
Seven trees for peeing
Six belly rubs
Five howlings bow wooooooo
Four doggy treats
Three hydrants
Two ear scritches
And a small peanut butter bacon tree

Jingle Bell Rock
Wagging tails, wagging tails, wagging tails, rock
Happy dogs sing and happy dogs spring
Jumping and thumping and having lots of fun
Now Christmas time begun
Wagging tails, wagging tails, wagging tails, rock
Good dogo go woof and good dogo is puffo
Playing and laying with family that cares
Almost everywhere where
What a bright time, it's the right time
To play the day away
Happy tail time is a gale time
To go out playing in the snow all day
Get up family, come pet me
Let's play around the clock
Mix and a-mingle in to the Christmas beat
That's what makes this time of year rock

Jingle bells
Nice puppy, Nice puppy
Good dogo good boy,
Oh what fun it is to fetch
And chew my favorite toy
Nice puppy, Nice puppy
Good dogo good boy,
Oh what fun it is to fetch
And chew my favorite toy
Running through the snow
I love to play all day
Give my ball a throw
I'll Chase it all the way
Howls, woofs, and barks
To show my delight
Can we go to the park
My human is happiness on sight

All I want for Christmas is you
I-I-I don't understand  Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I won't tear up the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
my love is true
All I want for Christmas is you, yeah
what is this Christmas?
Is all this stuff for me
I'm going to go smell everything
Can I pee on the Christmas tree
I can't reach your stocks on the string
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
I'm going to bark at the reindeer on his sleigh
[Chorus]
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
my love is true
All I want for Christmas is you
my favorite human
[Verse 2]
Oh, I won't destroy much this Christmas
I will eat the yellow snow (And I)
I'm just going to keep on waiting
for you to take off this bow
I will sit under the table
very quiet at dinner
waiting to steal some turkey(and then)
I ran as fast as I'm able
[Chorus]
'Cause it all smells so delicious (Ooh, ooh, ooh)
you know I'm very ambitious (Oh, oh, oh)
I do what dogs do
Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you
my human

Santa baby
human sweety, could you maybe just accidentally slip and drop the turkey
For me
Been an awful good pup
human sweety, please let me in the bed tonight
human lovely, I'd like a couple of marbled steaks
medium rare
I'll wait you prepare
human lovely, please rub my belly right
[Chorus]
you know how good I've been
I didn't even bite the mailman
Next year I could be just as good
and I won't even bite your friend
[Outro]
human honey, oh I forgot to mention something
please sing
I really love your voice
human honey, hurry home to me tonight
Hurry home to me tonight
Hurry.

12/21/18

Daily struggles

I don't want to write my year in review because it hurts. This year caused my heart so much pain I don't want to feel all of it again.

12/5/18

Skittles: I can taste the rainbow

I was trying to explain to my best friend why I won't date the person he's trying to set me up with. They don't have "it". Everyone I've loved in the past, I mean truly loved, has it. It doesn't go away, it doesn't diminish. One can't buy it, learn it, acquire it. You either have it or you don't there is no way to get it. I don't know what it is I can just feel it. imagine before we have all the science and technology to tell the difference between mountains and volcanoes. Now before it erupts, smokes, causes earthquakes, or any active signs of being a volcano, how did they figure out if it was a mountain or a volcano? You can see it, can't taste it, can't hear it, and can't feel it. Volcanos smell different than mountains. They smell like sulfur. But they didn't know what sulfur was back then. They didn't have a word for it and not everyone can smell the volcano at first. They just knew that they could smell it and it was. I just know I can feel it and it is. I can't live someone romantically without it.

12/2/18

Daily struggles

Me: Its murdering season again.

Best Friend: I thought it was Christmas season.

Me: It is the holiday season and also murder time.

Best Friend: So the good kids get presents in the bed kids get killed.

Me: Murder season has nothing to do with Christmas season.

Best friend: Oh.

Me: Is the time when Blood and tissue are being torn out of me, and I have the urge to ease my suffering by causing others the same pain. Blood for blood, flesh for flesh.

Best friend: Oh, your on your period.

Me: I thought that was obvious, don't become the first victim of murder season.

Best Friend: Let's go on a killing spree together it will make you feel better. Or we could snuggle in blankets and never leave the warm house.

Me: Hmmmm. That's a hard choice. Going outside requires pants but I get to kill people. Inside has blankets and cocoa and is warm.

Best Friend: I'll support either decision and we can do whatever you choose together. Netflix and chill or murder and more.

Me: Let's stay in. Pass the blanket.

My best friend is so supportive.

11/25/18

Skittles: spin this

I have often fallen into the guilt trap used on Black American who are a product of slavery. This idea that strength and perseverance are traits I should possess because my ancestors survived unspeakable horrors, numerous human rights volitions, various atrocities, and literally had their culture (language, customs, beliefs, ect.) beat out of them. That my ancestors survived lynching, hate crimes, police brutality, segregation, systematic oppression and everything else post civil war and the civil rights era threw at them so I should be able to survive now. That despite limits placed on my ancestors with respect to housing, healthcare, job opportunities, financial growth, and education that they were able to make it work so I should make what I have work. I don't know if my ancestors could survive what I am going through. I don't know if I could survive the hardships they endured during their lives. I will never know if my ancestors tried to end it all. I will never know if they just survived or if they managed to find any amount of happiness in their life. Surviving, living, and thriving are all different. Surviving is doing the bare minimum to stay physically alive. If you are surviving you are dead mentally. Living is doing the bare minimum to live physically and also trying/ fighting to have some peace, satisfaction, or contentment in ones life. Thriving is being physically a live and mentally engage in one's life in a way that is satisfactory or brings one a non material type of happiness. The guilt trap of your ancestors survived so you should be able to live is flawed. I know they survived but that does not mean I inherited the same abilities. It also does not mean that even if I did inherit the same abilities that they would be applicable to my situation. Living requires a different set of tools then surviving. All I know is that they survived. Using the flawed logic that I could inherit perseverance that means I should be able to survive not live. All I know is that they lived long enough for my lineage to continue. I cannot say with even the smallest fraction of certainty that living for the the lineage was my ancestors intention. They might have tried to end it all and for whatever reason was not able to before having a child. We also don't know if perseverance is a trait someone can inherit. We do know that oppression does effect our DNA. Generations of oppression show up in DNA. Trauma is inherited. Just because my ancestors survived the slave ship does not mean they could handle my life. I am not simplifying the horrors of being changed to hundreds of other people without sunlight, with sickness, with rats, with bugs, with little to no food, in human waste, and being beaten. Just because they could handle being beaten, extreme manual labor, sexual violence, chains, walking long distances, and little to sustain themselves doesn't mean my life would be easy for them. My life came with its own trauma. I also had the hard choice of survive in a way that I know I will live or leave the abuse but maybe die in the streets. My life was a different type of competitive. It wasn't about being physically strong as it is about being mentally capable. They had to work hard to get what they had I had to work just as hard in a different way to get what I have. They had horrible living conditions cold, wet, and unsanitary all cutting down their life expectancy. Stress, anxiety, and depression and cutting down my life expectancy, and it can't be solved by patching a roof or insulation. Their life was physically hard and I'm sure that took a toll on their mental health. I'm sure the mental health was made worse by the atrocities. My life is mentally hard and that takes a toll on my physical health. My physical health is also made worse by the the violence I've endured and the lack of access to healthcare. No one is coming to free me from my situation either. My ancestors hardships and my hardships are not the same in any way or shape. I will never be able to understand how bad slavery was. However, my ancestors being able to survive is not indicative, related, or predisposition for my ability to be able to overcome my life's hardships.

11/23/18

Skittles: once I was 7 years old

Once I was 7 years old. I was having trouble making friends and I was very lonely. I also had trouble spelling and writing. I was being bullied. I wasn't focusing on my school work and was acting out in class. They wanted to hold me back but my mom and teacher insisted that I be tested for learning disabilities because some of my standardize test scores were well above average. I got tested and they said I have ADHD and several language processing disorders. I was given a daily session to work one-on-one with a special education teacher to help with spelling and writing. I was put in therapy to learn to socialize properly. I didn't really learn to "people". I did learn how to manipulate. By the time I was 11 I was doing high school math and science, reading college level books, writing comprehensive and defined essays. I lied all time. I acted older because I knew how. This defined me for the rest of my life with respects to school.

Once I was 13 years old and my dad said go in the house and study. I never had friends before and was use to spending time alone. I was trusted because I was smart. I could go out into the city by myself. I read a lot on the internet and played a lot of video games. I learned whatever I wanted in my spare time and my parents would support my desire by funding my science projects. I realized I was bisexual at 13 and fell into the queer community. I finally had friends to go out with. We did everything together, lived loudly and proudly. I found camaraderie, community, and family in the queer community. I started writing, learning, protesting, and teaching. I didn't do it for fame or friends. I did it because I finally found people who loved and understood me. I wanted to find others who felt lost and rejected. I started becoming the activist I am today when I was 13 years old.

Once I was 20 years old and I got diagnosed with depression. I use to have fire and persistence. I use to love learning even when it got hard. But I wasn't going to give up on my dream of being an engineer. I wasn't going to give up activism either. I started my own company at 19. I was traveling the states telling people about my life and engaging in important discussions. I was the social queer intern at one of the best universities in the country. I just started traveling internationally for fun. I wanted to do it all by myself. I wanted success so bad. But I didn't want people to see me struggle. I thought it would make me less than I was. I learned that there were so many people like me suffering. I realize I could let people see my imperfections and still be successful. I leaned on people and they didn't let me down. I loved and received love in return. I was able to thrive with the collective. I built a community around our common struggle. When one of us would fall we were there to pick them up. We are all invested in the well being of one another. I'm still writing, learning, teaching, fighting, and protesting. I tell anyone who will listen about my history and what is going on now. This isn't the path I choose or intended on taking but, having to forge a new way is it's own rewarding adventure.

I'm almost half way through my 20's. Soon I'll be 30 years old. I've learned more than I could have ever hoped and I'm on track to achieve more than I ever thought possible. I've told my story and hopefully will be able to continue. All I want is to reach people and let them know there is someone out there like them. Someone who has gone through this. Someone who truly sees them as they are and accepts that. I want to continue to travel the world. I want to continue to roam free. My collective has grown and all I want for all of them is happiness. I've lost some loved ones along the way and I'm doing my best to learn from my mistakes. For the ones I've lost I'm sorry. I hope to settle down have my complex family. I've got so much love and I think it would go to waste if I don't foster long time partnerships.

But once I was 7 years old and life was very lonely.

11/22/18

PS. But how do you feel

Dear Amoriartii,

Congratulations again. I am honored to attend your wedding. I am very sorry that I won't be able to attend the reception. My best friend is getting his wisdom teeth out and I have to travel to be able to drive him back from the dentist. However, because I can't attend your reception you will surely be the best dressed there.

I am sad we didn't get to see each other while you were in my city. I will have to wait to see if you are the better dancer and Gypsy Warrior Moon Child wanted to see Felix. I really wanted to say sorry for betraying your trust and hurting you. We have known each other for about five years and I should have known better. I don't mean to hurt you. I will make every effort not to make the same mistake in the future. I know you were busy but to me it almost seemed like my wanting to apologize made you uncomfortable? We haven't really talked in over a year so I have know idea what's going on with you or what this past year has been like for you but I did honestly just want to catch up as well. I'm sure you've been saving the world from disasters, protecting queer youth, doing unimaginably kinky things with the cutest boys, and singing your lungs out all while wearing at least 5 inch heels. I guess I'll have to wait a little longer to hear of your amazing adventures.

When I messaged you on Facebook those where just honest questions. I'm at a lost for what's going on with you. I do want to know what you want and need from me. I was asking because I wanted to know if were going to talk to each other in the future? If we would still visit each other? I don't think I'm asking for some thing complicated. I'm not trying to mess with your life. I'm not asking for any type of relationship acquaintances, friends, business, whatever Trump has going on with the leaders countries that are suppose to be are allies, ect. My intentions are sincere but you don't have to believe and I don't blame you for not trusting me. It's just that we don't talk anymore and I am wondering if that is going to be permeant.
See you in January,

J-Skittles

I'm going to send this email. I'm waiting until the month is over then I'm going to send this out.

Daily struggles

*Start having an emotional fit*
I just want to go home😭 Everyone is mean to me.
*Remember I didn't take my mood stabilizer*
I might be over reacting. I'll let you know if I think everyone hates me in 10 hours.

11/19/18

Daily struggle

Hope is the most toxic thing in my life and most likely going to lead to my death. Cynicism must be so liberating. I can't let go of what is hurting me. However I'll gladly push away those I love, refuse treatment, and be an uncooperative participant in healthy lifestyle choices.

11/14/18

Skit: Schrödinger's cat theory played out by me.

I'm non-confrontational. Supposedly I avoid conflict. That's not really true. I have a terrible temper, I lash out when angry, I frustrate easily, I lack patience, I'm prideful, I'm stubborn, I rarely apologize/admit fault,  but I do not avoid all conflict. I will argue, I rather enjoy winning augments, no matter the cost. I often look at friction/tension as a puzzle and the people involved as pieces. I will manipulate and bend the pieces to my will until I arrive at one of the desired solutions. I take the easy way out of problems that don't interests me. If I don't care about the issue or the person why waste my time trying to win? It would be fun but I really don't care that much. Yet, I get called non-confrontational. Which again really isn't true. Non-Confrontational people avoid fights because they are afraid or uncomfortable.

I am an over thinker who compartmentalize. We'll get back to the main point here in a second. I treat problems like puzzles, say a Rubik's Cube.

***Side Note***
Yes, I know there is technically only 1 solution. However, we are going to operate under the parameters that there is now than one solution. We are going to deal with parameters that give us a range of the solutions determined by a undefined equation that I made but then couldn't paste. t≥0 I created an equation using Σ but then I later came back and made it into a piece wise {} equation because I thought that might copy better. I was wrong, anyway, the range of solutions (y) changes based on the input which is the problem (x) and the variables time (t) and people (z).
******

I spend my time trying to solve the cube for the most favorable patterns. I do whatever I feel is necessary to get to my solution. I do have a code. I do not do things that oppose my code. I do not do things that waste my time or I that I don't want to do. I'm lazy above all else. I do efficient grade A manipulation, work smart not hard. Everyone is a square and I need them to make my pretty pattern. I move them just like my cube in the optimal amount of time because I lack patience. If I can just solve the puzzle without anyone knowing they have been used I would say that I manipulate to avoid. I don't. I don't care about the tension that comes from people finding out you manipulated them. I care about how my scheme goes up in smoke. If I don't or haven't backed the square into a corner forcing them to be part of my final pattern then I don't get what I want. I manipulate not to avoid conflict but because it's easiest. The optimal lazy way usually win.

I over think and I compartmentalize. Finding optimal probable favorable solutions requires a lot of thought. Manipulating people requires a lot of thought, research, and acting. I have trust issues. I need to keep things need to know without coming off as mysterious and sketchy. I need to be likeable and trustworthy to who ever I'm working. I need to live my lies without becoming the lies or getting them confused. The easiest way would be to base the lies in as much truth as possible. I don't do that. I compartmentalize each lie each life. I currently live 4 different lives most of the time. They are not all completely different name, sexuality, and job usually stay the same. The most I've ever lived congruently was 8. Each social group required a different person. I would interact with 8 different social groups in a week, often times I saw atleast 3 different groups a day. I'm not so busy now.

None of this would tell you why I am I'm non-confrontational.  I mean it does but let me connect the dots if you haven't already. What happens if I care but I don't want to manipulate the person/ situation on the off chance a person I care about finds out and hates me? I also don't want to argue because I'm mean when I'm angry or hurt. I could lie but that defeats the purpose of trying to be honest. I cannot avoid the situation because the person would notice me being different. Avoiding someone without their knowledge requires manipulations or lies both of which have already been eliminated as viable options. Thus non-confrontational. But what makes me afraid or uncomfortable? When you live the way  I do,  over thinking and manipulation are just like breathing, I do it unconsciously. I have to actively not do it. But if there is a problem or tension, I've already seen it coming. If I didn't see it coming I've already spent way too much time thinking about every possible out come because I don't want to be surprised again. I'm also a bit of a control freak. If I'm afraid it's because there is a statically high chance it won't work out the way I want or I will get hurt in the process. Yes, my assumption is usually expect the negative but I'd rather be prepared than optimistic. Also what about my life screams faith in humanity or trust in others? What makes me uncomfortable? If you haven't figured it out vulnerability, honesty, truth, and the opinion of some one I care about of me. I run from these particular moments of confrontation more than Trump runs from the truth or Hillary runs for president. I am more afraid that the person I care for doesn't care for me than anything else. Ignorance is bliss. If I don't have to know and don't notice then I can be happy in my Schrödinger's cat box of a life. If conflict happens, I believe I know the person, and I care about them then I can't live in my paradoxical box any more. I will theoretically find out the truth. There is one more possibility and this has only happened once in my life that I know of, and it still ended in me getting hurt, I don't know the person. The person is better at lying and manipulating than me. The person lies and manipulates me without me knowing. I care about them and at their mercy I believe the person cares about me. I get to keep living my lie as long as it suits that person's interest.

***Side note****
Who out smarted me and bothered to let me know? Kimmy. Around the time I first met her we talked about a shared interests in manipulation. We didn't talk about it ever again until after she broke my heart. We started dating and unbeknownst it was all part of her plot to out manipulate me. Except I wasn't playing or aware of the game. I didn't realize it was all a lie until after she publicly broke up with me. Nothing about our brake up made sense to me at the time. She said I was cheating on her work her ex boyfriend, who I never met and was abusive  Web had a meeting with a guidance counselor about a week later for some mediation, not my idea. One thing she said made it all make sense. Kimmy said "It's like she think this is a game. She is playing us like a chess game. It's nothing personal she just wants to win." I had said the almost the same thing to her when we were talking about manipulating people. I said "It's a game. Treat people like pieces and play them like chess. All that matters is if you win." My heart hurt when she broke up with me strangely. But it felt like my life left my body when I realized what she had done. When we left the counselor I turned to her and said good game and she shook my hand. I loved her and she destroyed me.
******

11/11/18

Daily struggle

It's been one year since you looked at me. Cocked your head to the side and "I'm angry."

Daily struggles

I wonder how many people stare into the dark alone thinking about the person they love. I wonder if their person does the same thing. What class blissful agony that possibility most induce. I wonder how many people stare into the night alone wondering about the person they love knowing that the person of their affection never does the same for them. I know how much both hurt but I believe the ladder is torture.

11/9/18

Daily struggle

I think I know why the words never come out when I'm with you. I always thought I was to nervous, afraid, or lost my nerve. There will never be words for this love. There never be words for how I look at you. There will never be words for how you look at me when I'm not looking. There are no words for the shy smiles. My heart cries out for you, a song I don't know the words to but is all too familiar. I can't say words that don't exist. I would spend the rest of my life learning languages searching for the right words, and I'd wait the rest of my life for the right time to tell you. Neither exist. That's why we have art. Humanity has spent it's entire existence trying communicate using every way we know how something that I feel when I look into your eyes, hear your voice, see your smile, kiss your lips, or hold your hand. I'll never know what to say but I'm positive you'll understand.

Daily struggle

Ribs to protect. Lungs to breath. I'd tell you I love you but that's not what my heart is for.

11/5/18

Skittles: What do you need and want to be happy?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and betrayed your trust. The truth is I love you but I don't know how to. I'll be your ride or die by your side forever if you want. I'll leave your life right now and never come back if you want. The only thing I can't do is stop loving you. I will love you long after our galaxy has turned to gas and dust. I don't want to hurt you any more. We can do what you want but I think we're to volatile to be together. But we work best when we a are far a part and see each other every three months or so.  I want you to be happy. That's been my priority in this relationship. If you're happy even if it hurts me I'll support and I'll come to like it. Just tell me what will make you happy and I'll do it.

11/3/18

Skit: No Specialize Parenting

I have ADHD and four learning disabilities. The main ones are Dyscalculia ( mixing up the order of numbers) and a language processing disorder. I always surprise people with the language one because I learned to talk early and am very articulate. My reading, hearing, speaking are unaffected. My writing and sight are where I run into trouble. I also have a problem communicating my thoughts, I tend to ramble or lose track of my point. I cannot read body language to save my life. I have a hard time telling when people are angry or sad. Unless it's extremely over exaggerated like in the cartoons, I can't tell. I asked my mom if it was difficult parenting me. If she read any books or went to any seminars. She said she did and asked doctors but none of it really helped. She said all children are different, special children are not an exception. Nothing really helped more than trial an error. If I was autistic she would have had to do the same thing because there are very few one size fits all rules or methods for children. One rule that applies to all is that will put things in their mouth they shouldn't, and they will try to kill themselves ( cuz your dumb *don't know any better*). Other than they are all different. My mom says she would have had to parent me different than my brother any way because our personalities are completely different. However, I didn't trust my mom so I asked my friend's mom. My friend is deaf. She said the sign language book helped more than any parenting book on deaf children. That her son is drastically different than her daughter so needed different parenting because of his being a different person. She said that they both need love, support, encouragement, money, and discipline. There are only special children but no training, specialize seminar, or specific book help. Special children just need a regular parent.

10/31/18

Skittles: Moke Jokes Chad can't tell

Still based on the segment from the Late Show except these are jokes I came up with. This will be updated as I come up with more jokes.

Warning: not politically correct at all.

Students at the University of North Carolina protested demanding a white cultural center.
1: If the University meets there demands they will soon start hosting seminars on how to appropriate other cultures
2: If they want a white cultural center they should embrace their whiteness and just steal the Indigenous Americans' cultural center.
3: Plans for programming at said cultural center would be The reverse racism of Black and Brown people calling you out on your problematic behavior, how to take up even more space, Feel proud not white guilt, and asserting your privilege even when a person of color tells you no for a good reason.

Heterosexual people want a straight pride parade.
I say let them have 1 it will probably last only one year as it will lack good music, nice free stuff, attractive people, and fun. It will still have religious people telling them they are going to hell.

Brett Kavanaugh testified in front of the Senate committee again today.
He carried himself exactly how a government officials should. He lied, screamed, had a tantrum, failed to treat the women of the committee with basic human decency, claimed he was being discriminated against, and cried. The women on the Senate committee hearing were reported to have been overly emotional possibly due to thier periods, despite never saying more than 10 words, and should be replaced with men like Brett.

A recent study found young black men are less likely to graduate high school than their white counterparts.
1: While White young men are less likely to go to jail or be tried as an adult as a teenager.
2: while White young men are more likely to become corrupt politicians.
3: While young white men are less likely to be the Captain of the Varsity basketball team.
4: Black men are also less likely to be Republican

In light of recent shootings some police departments are going through non bias training aimed at reducing racial profiling.
1:While others are using thier money to buy more bullets.
2: while others are partnering with ICE to be able to identify Mexicans too.
3: While others are going through more gun training aiming at Black and Brown people.

Skittles: Jokes Chad can't tell

So on the Late Show with Seth they do a segment called "Jokes Seth can't tell". This segment has become my guilty pleasure. I will be adding punchline options to some of the jokes. The title is to avoid copyright infringement.

Warning: not politically correct at all.

The CW network is currently developing a show about a African American super hero. 1:Instead of fighting crime he fight racist.
2: His arch nemesis is White Supremacists aka the GOP aka the KKK
3: It's actually a show that just follows around a black women in real life cuz we're always single-handedly saving the world and not getting any credit
4: He defeats the bad guys, gets blamed for committing the crime, beaten by the cops, charged with battery by the villians, and gets sent to jail with a longer sentence than the actual criminals.

A recent study shows Black Americans get less sleep.
That's because the rest of America doesn't have Black moms. Black moms wake you up because you didn't wash all the dishes only to find out you missed 1 cup in the living room, wasn't even in the kitchen. Or she used a plate after you were done and you got to get up to wash that too.

The Mall of America recently hired their first Black Santa.
1:If it's not on sale during black Friday you not getting it.
2: The good kids sit on his knee and ask for presents the bad kids get bent over his knee and get that butt whipped.
3: When a 5 year old asked for a tablet Santa said what you need a tablet for you 5 go outside and play.
4: When asking for presents Santa replied you got present money?

A community center in Bakersfield California recently held a special Prom for gay and lesbian students.
1:It was just like a regular prom but with more glitter.
2: The red carpet to get in looked like a catwalk during fashion week in Milan.
3: There was Vogue battle for Prom king and drag competition for Prom QUEEN!

A group in Georgia recently hosted a event called come meet a black person.
1:They rode the MARTA for the first time.
2:They were shocked they all made peach cobbler the same way.
3:It was their first and last trip to Atlanta.

The Detroit Metro area will hold a new event next month called Black restaurant week.
1:A Black restaurant is like a white restaurant except they use spices.
2: A Black restaurant is like a white restaurant except there is actually flavor in the food.
3: A Black restaurant is like a white restaurant except nothing is vegan, vegetarian, or gluten free.
4: A Black restaurant is like a white restaurant except the food is not cardboard and is actually good.

10/24/18

Skittles: Don't cry for me Argentina

We say "I want to die in your arms"  because the literal translation I want to die in the full embrace of your love doesn't have the same ring to it. Both are selfish. If you leaving loved ones you're leaving pain. Happy memories hurt for awhile before they're happy again. Sad memories become stab wounds. If you died leaving people hating you, the process is even longer. Hate linked to love. One can only be angry if they care. Indifference on the other hand is painless. It's way more humane. People die everyday we don't shed one tear for them because we don't care. We didn't know with them, we don't personalize it. I think it's a lot more loving to say "I want to die with your indifference, leaving your happiness uninterrupted." I wish them no pian. I will love you pass death, through existences, in multiple dimensions, in various timelines, my love for you will transcend space and time, it will escape black holes, it will go the distance, beyond the limits of our ever-expanding universe.

10/17/18

Skittles: music for Amoriartii

I've been looking for music for Amoriartii for a while. An artist always in capsulizes my relationship with a person. Amoriartii gets Halsey.

10/5/18

Skit: #16Shots

Today Chicago police Officer Jason Van Dyke was convicted of second-degree murder and 16 counts of aggravated battery. Van Dyke killed 17 year old Black young man Laquan McDonald. Laquan McDonald was 15 feet away from the veteran police officer Van Dyke. Laquan McDonald was carrying a 3 inch knife and walking away from seasoned police officer Van Dyke. Laquan McDonald was allegedly acting erratic due to the fact he was office his mental health medication. Laquan McDonald was 17, had a hard life, was resilient, was young, was walking away from the police, was black, and was shot 16 times in 15 seconds. I cried when they read the first guilty verdict. Finally!!!!! A little justice. So many black people are murdered by police every year. I am overwhelmed that 1 young man was treated almost fairly in death. I honestly believed that the cop we go free. That Van Dyke who shot Laquan McDonald 16 times in cold blood would be found not guilty. I had no hope. The fact that he was even found guilty of anything makes me feel like maybe my Black life matters. Maybe I'm not a second-class citizen. All of my life I have been told I was inferior. I started worrying about my little brother's life when I was 10 and he was 5. My Brothers in college now in Ohio and every time I see him at worry it's going to be the last time. I'm still afraid for him, but now I know he might rest easy getting the justice he deserves. This is a step. The jury believed Laquan McDonaldwas murdered with some mitigating circumstances which is bullshit. The mitigating circumstance was the fact Laquan McDonald was murdered by cop. Van Dyke should have been charged with first degree murder and official gross misconduct. He's not a rookie Van Dyke has been doing this for years. He murdered him because he thought he could get away with it. But 17 out of 19 is better than a not guilty on all charges which is what usually happens if they go to court. Van Dyke is a murder and today he was charged as such. #16Shots #BlackLivesMatter

9/29/18

Skittle: my ex's

Would I date an ex?
No one before my sophomore year of college.
After that I would but someone would have to change.

For Cyborg I would have to give up my dream life and my soul mate.
Or Cyborg would have to learn and enjoy  polyamormy.

Amoriartii and I need to talk, trust, apologize, be brave and be honest.

I just want Amoriartii to  be healthy, be so happy it's centering, and loved deeply and completely. I want them to continue to grow. I want them to treat goal's like marathon ribbon run right past them. Over achieve! But also find that balance.

I have loved you since NYC it got real in Houston and we were in tears in Kansas City.
One love. You 2013-2018

If I could ask them any questions I would ask them |Do you love me?| |What type of love?|
|Are we good for each other?|
|Do we make each other happy?|
|Do you trust me?| |Do I trust you?|
|Do you want me to be in your life?|
|How so?| |How much?|
Starting over is full of crap. The crap follows you. A person just handles it better. I want to
Start communicating openly, no secret ulterior motives, and no lying. Share the plan, share the strategy, share the weapons. Then once it's all out we can talk. I want to apologize for hurting you because I'm putting myself first so don't notice your pain.

The situation would have to had been different with V. She would have to work  through her tramau. I would have to deal with mine. Go to therapy together make it work. We both wanted it to work.

I know I can never go back to V and she will never come back to me. I want her to be happy and I want all her wildest dreams to come true. I know she can't do that if I'm around. I need to leave her life for her to be happy. Yes it hurts. I wanted to hurt. I didn't think it would be fair for this to send her to hell in her head without pain on my part. She hurts because of me and I hurt because of me. I wanted her to kill me because I didn't want to live in a world where I hurt those closet to me. I know now that she will smile, love, live, and thrive if I just stay out of her world. She can't do that work while I'm trying to get her attention through acts of self pitty. I need to leave her alone. Stop online stalking. Stop following. Stop checking the guest list. I'm already dead to her I need to stop haunting her. I need to do the hard work. I need to heal myself. Get introspective. Don't live for her. Don't die for her. I have to take control of life.

9/28/18

Skitt: I wanted to feel happier

I wear my heart on my sleeves.
I bleed out in the open,
for all to see.
I will not hide my pain.
I will not be silenced.
I will scream on the top of my lungs when it hurts.
I will cry publicly,
no matter how ugly it looks.
I will not calm down when I'm angry.
I will laugh when it's funny.
I'm allowed to have feelings.
I'm human and I have feelings.
I will not hide.
Expressing emotion is nothing to be ashamed of.
I can express my feelings,
and it will not be chalked up to a stereotype.
I have a plethora of feelings.
My emotions will not detract from my quality of work.
My emotions will not detract from my reputation.
My gender will not determine
whether I'm passionate,
or overreacting.

I'm not an open book.
I've got much more than skeletons
buried places far more secret than the closet.
Laundry so I dirty
Clorox bleach can't even get it clean.
Blood stains all over the place.
Need more than holy water
to get rid me of all the sins I've wrought.
The path I've traveled is not the easiest.
In my wake I've left it littered with
broken hearts
dead bodies
burnt bridges
smouldering brimstone.
I was too lazy for the stairway to heaven.
Plus,
I wanted to drive the 1960's classic Mustang on the Highway to Hell.

9/27/18

Daily struggles

I still only think of Amoriartii when I hear a love song. When I see people in love I think about the times Amoriartii and I were happy together. But when I see art about love or listen to poems about love I also think about Vendetta. I spend more time crying about V then I do smiling about Amoriartii. I think that our souls I meant to have many kindred spirits that were meant to spend the rest of our lives with. I believe we're meant to love a few other souls for eternity. I'm really young so I can't say for sure but I think I found two of my eternities.

9/25/18

Daily struggles

Today my friends were making jokes about how they like their romantic partners. One said she likes her men like she likes her Tequlia, she doesn't drink Tequlia. Another said he likes his men like he like cultural bold with deep roots in Africa. Mine were different.
I like my lovers like corporate America likes their employees, with years of experience and a lot of references.
I like my lovers like I like my heels, broken in.
I like my lovers like world class brass player: experienced, execeltent breath control, and great tounge game.

9/11/18

Daily struggles

So I'm thinking of changing my name to something more gender affirming. I haven't decided on a particular name yet. So I'm just trying out names that I like. I told my friends and my family that I'm out to. It went something like this:

Me: Hey I'm trying out this new name. I'd like you all to call me by this name until futher notice. My pronouns are still they/them.

Friends and Fam: Excellent! Hello. When are you going to permanently change your name so we can throw you a name day party?

Me: Look I just thought about this. I don't even know if I like the name I chose. I'm just trying it on. It's like a free subscription to Tidal. Of course I'm going to try it cuz it's free but I don't know if it's worth my money yet. Changing your name is expensive. If I do it, I probably wouldn't do it until I've have to replace I renew other expensive documents.

Friends and Fam: So like two years? How far away is does name day party?

Me: Ugh, fine. 2027... Maybe!

9/8/18

Daily struggles

I have so much actual content that I need to finish. But I just finished something that took 2 days it is 10 pages long. Sorry for how long it is not sorry for not posting stuff more often. It's about quality not quantity, but you're not going to get either from me.

9/7/18

Skit: The assassination of April 15, 1865

On April 15th 1865, racism won in the United States. In the theater in April in 1865, the American dream for anyone visibly of color died. In the Americas a war has been waging on since the first white people happened upon true civility. These pale savages from a land of death, strife, and suffering happened upon abundant resources and in contrast peaceful living. This land was not without its own turf wars, it was not perfect. However, in comparison it was paradise. Lands that did not have the need to develop technologies for excessive killing. Some lands that didn't have the need for suspicion of strangers, nobody has heard of the pale individuals harming anyone. Theses pale savages started a war that is still going on in the Americas. In the United States the war was all but won not on a battlefield but in a theater.

The dates are true and the people are true. Google scholar is excellent at providing facts from accredited sources. The opinions and interpretations are mine, through they do resonate with a large percent of the of people within the US border.

The US was born from the blood of a genocide of indigenous people. I do not believe the United States of America has ever  made any attempt to treat the indigenous people with any sort of dignity. Part of the US did try once, probably motivated by its own greed, to help a particular group of people of color. Slaves. The industrialized northern part of the county did try and succeeded at abolishing slavery. Slavery in the form of owning a person was abolished. I believe the wealth of the North prioritized ending slavery to gain economic dominance over the part of the county that produced the North's raw materials, the agricultural south. The South could not afford to push their agendas for the country if the North crippled the South's economy. There was already a divide of priorities between the two that did not concern slaves. There were more citizens in the North yet the government was politically split because neither the North or the South dominate the US's domestic economy. The wealth wasn't evenly split among voting citizens but was almost geographically even. However, there was more northerners. Why couldn't they get their way with the government? Why did the northerners have to share the power with a handful of southerners who didn't share the northern vision? If the northerners could cripple the Southern economy they can take control of the country.How could the North become the economic power of the county and thus guarantee the country's government worked in their best interest?  Collapse the Southern economy by taking away the South's workforce. Free the Slaves.

The Civil War did a few things. It made more people genuinely believe that Slaves should be free. It allowed Slaves to prove they were just as good as whites. It gave a platform to pure hate based on color of one's skin. The southerners saw a rise in being outsmarted by their slaves. The country, through divided saw newly freed slave soldiers win battles and slaves again and again earn their freedom while also giving the North strategic advantages that became turning points in the war. This changed a few northern people's mind about Blacks. It made Southerners hate blacks more. Racism as we know it was a result of the Civil War. Racism was more than a belief for southerners, more than an ideology, it was a way of life. Many people find it weird that the accomplishment of the slaves didn't sway many southerners, or that instead of hating the North for starting the war, the southerns doubled down on hating slaves. It's not strange when one understands that people were raised by slaves, played with slaves, spoon feed by slaves, cared for by slaves, only to beat, sometimes the same, slaves sometimes to the point of death later. It was not uncommon for an adult to sell the slave that had cared for them since infancy without any thought. On the other hand, Southerns could regard a white strangers as family. They could not hate the North more. What Americans know today as racism, that pure consuming hate, stated during the civil war.

Despite how it is/has been retold by some Americans or taught at some schools throughout the U.S., it is a fact that the South loss the Civil War. It is a fact that the Civil war is one of a few wars where nothing happened to the losers. Just to give some context, there is a "war" known as Toledo War where even here the losers were punished. In this war no one died and there was only one person injured in the entire war. Michigan lost and had to give up the Toledo strip. Even in that "war" where only one person was injured the loser where punished. No accredited source retells that war disputing or failing to admit the fact that Michigan loss, but I digress. The South was suppose to be punished as losers of the Civil War. The Republican Congress at the time, when the Republicans were the liberals, had a few different ideas for Reconstruction, some of those ideas included punishing confederates. Just like today, there were factions with in the party and they disagree on how much action to take. The general idea was: dissolve confederate ideology among the southerns, help the Freedmen, build railroads, rebuild the South's economy, and reunite the country. Not everything they wanted happened.

Congress, with Lincoln as president, did start along the path of reconstruction that the Republicans wanted. All of the governors in confederate states were replaced. The new temporary governors were usually assigned by Lincoln. The union did take control of confederate military's land, money, and property. The Radicals wanted to strip the leaders and high ranking military officials of the confederacy of almost all their land, property, and money. Only a couple of confederate leaders, militarily or otherwise, were tried for treason after the war. Some confederate leaders were temporarily imprisoned in military prisons after the war and never faced a jury, but were released. On December 8th 1863 Lincoln offered amnesty to those that weren't involved in the confederate government, high ranking military official, and swore loyalty to the Union. This policy of pardoning confederates continued even after Lincoln's death. The original plan waa states could only rejoin the Union and hold elections for congress after ratifying a new state constitution that complied with the rules of one of the reconstruction acts. All of this was done to exterminate confederate ideology and reunite the nation. None of this was done to punish the confederates and as it stands, being found guilty of treason was the only punishment that less than 10 confederates faced after the civil war.

The important parts of reconstruction that had long lasting effects are: what happened to the South's economy and what happened to the freedmen. Despite making it a priority railroads were one of the greatest failure of reconstruction. The railroads failed to get built, create jobs, or positively affected the South's economy. The only way to revive the southern economy seemed to be to continue to produce raw materials. Who would do this hard labor? The Freedmen, the newly freed slaves. At least they are free now right? Wrong. After the war, but while places where still under military control, distribution of confiscated lands did continue for a bit. General Sherman, the Radical Republicans, and the Freedmen knew that part of freedom meant being economically free, owning their land, not being in debt to anyone. Before Lincoln was assassinated he failed to acknowledge that the freed slaves need economic freedom and help others in his party pass laws accordingly. This would lead to the demise of freedom and autonomy for newly freed blacks.  Lincoln did establish the Freedmen's Bureau which was established to deal with matters concerning the newly freed slaves.

Prior to his assassination President Lincoln, the Republican Congress, the Radical Republicans, and the Freedmen were all steering this country the direction of true freedom for Blacks. The Freedmen's Bureau was to see to, among other things, the education, housing, and employment of the free slaves. The 13th amendment, which abolished slavery, was passed by Congress. The Union Military continued to free slaves throughout the South. Radical Republicans were fighting for the right for black men to vote and have equal protection under the law as white men. This brief period also saw the reconstruction acts that were passed enforced. Confederate leaders still weren't being punished for losing the war, but they were not able to regain political either.

Living in the land of Lincoln I was taught that, Lincoln's death was a national tragedy. The tragedy was the lives blacks could have lead, the effects his policies would have had on shaping the US for people of color, and legal oppression of Blacks that may not have happened if he hadn't died. At the time of murder it was not considered a national tragedy at all. In fact many southerners were happy to have him out of the way. To the people of the South, Lincoln person who stole their most valuable property/livestock. Lincoln was the cause of the collapse of the South's economy. Lincoln left many southerns destitute. To make matter worse, Lincoln tried to make blacks equal to whites! To many southerns, even if they weren't racist or never owned a slave, Lincoln's assassination was a blessing. Even more so when you consider who took over, Andrew Johnson.

Andrew Johnson was one of the only
southern elected federal officials that didn't defect to the confederacy when his state withdrew from the Union, even through he didn't want to end slavery. Johnson was democrat who somehow become Abe's vice president and took office after Lincoln's demise. With Johnson in office came another surge of racism, the death of a chance for true black freedom, the legalization of oppression of people of color, and the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement. Johnson returned all confiscate land to its original white owners. He pardon all confederates that had not yet been pardoned. He promoted bills cutting funding for the Freedmen's Bureau and blocked all bills trying to expand its power. He did not enforce laws when it came to protecting blacks rights. He did not take action against the extreme violence in the South against blacks. He supported racist laws and policies. Congress fought, opposed, disagreed with, and even try to impeach Johnson.

It's under Johnson's presidency that we see the foundation for the oppression of people of color we see today. When Johnson returned all confiscated land, he single handedly puts up one of the first road blocks for generational wealth and economic independence for blacks. Johnson sent a message to the country that it is okay to oppose your government for the sake of one's own personal problematic ideologies, such as white supremacy. By returning land, giving amnesty, and removing as many protections as he could for former slaves Johnson effectively becomes the first president after the Civil war to support white supremacy.

Throughout his presidency he continues to support racism in his actions, policies, and speeches. Johnson himself is not responsible for pushing blacks into agricultural jobs, he just helped make the the lives of blacks in agricultural jobs hell. The Republican Congress were the ones who pushed for blacks to return to their agricultural jobs, partly due to their failed railroad plan, but also to save the Southern economy. When newly freed blacks had land or acquired land the freedmen did established themselves usually by agricultural means. It is important to note that not all free slaves took the path of agriculture. Some slaves once free move north, some the already had trade skills used those, some learned a trade, some started a political career, some became religious leaders, and some became educators. However, a majority stayed in agriculture because, and this is important, other opportunities that were accessible to freed blacks, both in proximity and available to blacks, were scarce. Under Johnson the Freedmen's Bureau had its funding cut and powers limited. Remember it was the Freedmen's Bureau that was responsible for not only finding employment for newly freed slaves but protecting their rights as employees. Prior to Lincoln's assassination the Freedmen's Bureau did a fair job helping blacks negotiate employment contracts with white plantation owners. Sharecropping was a practice not only ex-slaves participate in but poor whites as well. The poor worked the land and got a fair percent of profit and crops. Sometimes a the deal was to work the land and earn a fair percent of the profits, fair percent of crops to eat, and work towards owning a small piece of the land. Under Johnson they no longer had the resources to maintain the same quality of work. Without oversight the white landowners quickly abused the system and took advantage of the Blacks. For blacks, it went from sharecropping to peonage, which was very different.

Black codes were also to blame for the shift from wage labor to force labor. The South saw a rise in Black Codes between 1865 and 1866. Southern states weren't the only ones with Black Codes, northern states also had Black Codes. Through, the laws weren't always referred to or called Black Codes the disenfranchisement and oppression was strikingly similar to Black Codes. According to the following states government websites, Ohio, New York, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Oregon, North Carolina, Virginia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Maryland, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Texas, Arkansas, Kentucky, Delaware, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, and California all had what would be considered Black Codes during the Civil War or at least up until 1866. That is 27 of the 36 states that made up the US during 1866. Most of northern states had these Black Codes before the Civil War started, which requires you take a pause and really question why the North wanted to end slavery. Based on the Black Codes the reason the North wanted to end slavery cannot be because the North sought equality for Blacks. If the North sought equality for blacks why would many of Black Codes include  laws prohibiting blacks from owning land, drastically limiting their employment options, or outright preventing them from taking up residency within the state? These particular Black Codes are the foundation and birth of redlining. Redlining is a practice used to force African Americans and other people of color into certain areas by restricting their ability to buy property and using economic disenfranchisement (i.e. restriction on employment and education). Little facts about redlining, it was and is the worst, in terms of practice and long lasting effects, in Chicago. However, Black Codes were generally the worst in the south, though it should be noted that Rhode Island had the worst Black Codes in the US at the time. The American historical Association agrees that Black Codes replaced slave codes in the south. Without the oversight of the Freedmen's Bureau and with legal backing of the Black Codes blacks were forced into economic slavery. Black Codes accomplish this by preventing blacks from moving freely about freely (i.e. traveling from place to place and entering public spaces), preventing them from owning land, restricting or preventing blacks from getting an education, failing to recognize certain jobs, laws requiring harsher sentences for blacks, criminalizing unemployment of blacks, and having to present labor contracts to authorities at any given moment. If a black man was unemployed, couldn't produce a labor contract, the labor contract what's considered void, or broke any laws that's black man would be forced into either public labor or bought for private labor. That black man would have to work under whatever labor conditions he was sentenced to for his entire sentence without path for recourse to appeal his verdict, the length of hid sentence, or conditions of labor. The labor shortage added incentives to arrest and convict blacks. Why would a white landowner hire and pay a black person when he can buy labor from the state government prison system forfar cheaper? This is the foundation and creation of the prison pipeline system which continues to oppress African Americans and people of color today. The black code often required harsher sentences for blacks which established the president from which judges base their sentencing on for African-Americans and people of color today. Black Codes gave birth to discrimination in the legal system. Convicting blacks and forcing them into labor is what gave birth to our prison labor today.

The South took advantage of blacks not being able to read and keeping them uneducated. They would force their black sharecroppers to buy tools and food from who the black workers had a contract with for highly inflated prices. The white landowners would lie about what the labor contract entailed. The white landowners even lied about the percent of profits the blacks were supposed to receive. All of those tactics drove blacks into debt to the white landowners. Forcing them to continue working and trapping them into a system which only drove them into more debt. The Freedmen's Bureau was usually unable to assist free blacks, thus they had no other choice. This is another brick in the foundation of establishing economic disenfranchisement/oppression of African-Americans and other people of color in the US.

None of this was supposed to happen. However, after Lincoln's assassination I believe there was one pivotal moment that led to all of this. A proclamation by President Johnson to hold a convention to re-establish the southern states' governments. Of course it was whites only. Prominent members of the confederacy returned to power and took political office in their state government. Once in power again they passed laws disenfranchising the newly freed blacks. The freed slaves at the time had had no legal recourse. Freedman could not challenge the in their local courts, they had no legal ability to do so and if they did blacks weren't allowed to serve on a jury, so what jury would side with them? Who would represent the Freedman in court if they were allowed to challenged the legality of Black Codes? Being unable to challenge the laws in court at the local level meant that they couldn't even appeal to higher level courts. Johnson vetoed almost every bill that the republican-controlled congress passed. Johnson did not support ex-slaves at all and favored the former Southern ruling class. Johnson helped the former Southern ruling class return to power in part because he believed given the chance the blacks would vote against him and he knew the southern democrats would support him. Congress was facing two uphill battles supporting the enfranchisement of newly freed slaves and keeping confederates out of congress. They did manage to pass the Civil Rights Act of 1866, despite Johnson's veto, which made a lot of the Black Codes null and void technically. Enforcement of this act left a lot to be desired. The Civil Rights Act of 1866 angered many white southerners, even though the act wasn't really being enforced in the south. Anger, hate, and the arrival of the 14th Amendment gave rise to the Klu Klux Klan and Jim Crow laws.

Lincoln was not keen on punishing Confederates as he sought to quickly reunify the nation. Johnson while vice president gave speeches talking about punishing Confederates but when he took office failed to follow through. The Union failing to punish, dissolve the social power of, and prevent political power of confederates is to blame to for the continued ideology of the Confederacy. People have no shame in continuing to support the Confederacy, why would they? Nothing happened to the people who waged war against the Union and definitely committed treason. Some argue the Confederacy was punished because slavery ended causing a great loss economic loss property. A year into the Civil War Lincoln presented a plan to Congress where emancipation would be gradual and the federal government would play slave owners $400 per slave, no matter age, ability, or gender. Given that a strong, healthy 15 year old male went for about $800 in 1860 freeing him for $400 does not make sense. For an old, sick, or a misbehaving slave $400 was more than fair. According to Lincoln it would have been cheaper for the Union and fair for slave owners. Washington D.C. was the only place where compensation for gradual emancipation took place. The Confederates had the option to choose the money but they did not. Black Codes then forced blacks back into slavery. The American historical Association agree that even after all slaves were free June 1865, most black were stuck in economic bondage and for all intents and purposes were still slaves. Confederates regained their land, power, and workforce. There was no punishments. No punishment meant it would be no end to hate and belief that whites are superior.

Along with sustaining the belief of white superiority, most of the groundwork for today's oppression of people of color and African Americans were born and established a stronghold on American culture following Lincoln's assassination. Black Codes in the South gave rise to hyper criminalization of black men, discriminatory sentencing practices, unpaid forced labor (prison labor) and the birth of the prison pipeline. Black Codes of the North, preventing the ownership of property and land, limiting employment, and putting up roadblocks to education, gave rise to redlining. Forcing black field workers into debt to the farmers who owned the land was one of the key factors that started the economic disenfranchisement of African-Americans and other people of color, the other being taking land or legally preventing blacks from owning land. Jim Crow laws gave way to educational disenfranchisement of African-Americans and other people of color. The rampant violence throughout US post civil war, but especially in the south, directed towards black people, by white men and police (who were/are white men with the badge), who had no way of getting justice solidified the belief that black and brown lives are worthless and black and brown people are disposable.

9/5/18

Skittles: 🌹we're okay

Everything is okay with Lovely. We were sleeping, but it was super hot. I had a hard time getting to sleep. It was too hot to snuggle. So I put the comforter between us at our feet so we didn't touch. I had been using the comforter for the past two days to snuggle but it was too hot that night. When Lovely finally got to sleep she immediately rolled over facing me and mirroring my position. I couldn't help but smile. I moved away so that we wouldn't touch. As close to my edge of the bed as possible possible. But she just moved closer. We were laying on our side top hand would have been used to cuddle. Bottom arm under the pillow stretched out. She grabbed the comforter to snuggle it. Eventually she was close enough that our hands just barely touched. Enough to know the other person was there, not enough to get hot. We ended up just touching hands all night. She woke up first. When I woke up she said " I woke up to your face smiling at me ya creep." We both laughed.

9/3/18

Skittles: 🖤🌹🖤

So many people lean on Lovely. They do what I do with the same struggles or worse hardships than me. I want to have a reciprocal relationship. They are strong for me. I can be strong for them. I can't make them trust me. I'm bad at comforting. I'm bad at not trying to fix it. But I excel at being there and showing up. I move mountains for those I love. They know where to find me, but where do they go? I want them to know how much they mean to me. I love them wholely, fully, and with the entirety of the universe. The atoms that make them are one of my favorite configurations of matter. I just don't know what elements to use to convey that to them. I'm afraid of what they would think. I'm in constant fear for the status of our friendship. I think they will doubt me and I'll continue to stress them out as they watch me fight for my life. I'm alive in here. I'm alive despite all this darkness. I'll return to my glory if only to eases their suffering, love them out loud, and find them. I'll be a warrior again. You know where to find me, Lovely I'll find you.

8/29/18

#Sicking Misconceptions: Part 5

The American education system is doing a terrible job. More money on schools that work, training teachers, educational supplies, and replacing the broken system with one that works and less on bombs.

"All men who sleep with men have H.IV and maybe even A.I.D.S." This is just statistically unlikely and actual impossible. There are societies that are untouched by the rest of the world and they have gays too. But I get where this sterotype comes from. The History of the AIDS epidemic is horrifying. Due to the millions of deaths, fear, and activism, medicine has made great strides concerning HIV/AIDS. There are medicines for people who are infected that they can take (if physically and economically accessible) that can keep thier viral load undetectable. as an HIV-positive person’s viral load goes down, the chance of transmitting HIV goes down. Viral load is the amount of HIV in the blood of someone who is HIV-positive. When the viral load is very low, it is called viral suppression. Undetectable viral load is when the amount of HIV in the blood is so low that it can’t be measured. Having a very low or undetectable viral load are much less likely to transmit HIV, about .1% of a chance. Condoms are super helpful in preventing new infections, 99.9% effective when used correctly. There is PrEP, which someone takes everyday (at basically the same time everyday), to significantly lower their chances of being infected. PrEP means Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis, and it's the use of anti-HIVmedications to keep HIV negative people from becoming infected. Studies have shown that PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV from sex by more than 90% when used consistently. Among people who inject drugs, PrEP reduces the risk of getting HIV by more than 70% when used consistently. However, HIV strains have been mutating and new strains have not been responding to the current version of Prep. There is also PEP. It's lik the morning after pill (Google it if you don't know what the morning after pill is), but for HIV. PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) means taking antiretroviral medicines (ART) after being potentially exposed to HIV to prevent becoming infected. PEP should be used only in emergency situations and must be started within 72 hours after a recent possible exposure to HIV. It is most effective within 12 hours of exposure and strictly following the treatment plan. Research (researchers in San Francisco possibly this these two Merchant RC, Mayer KH.) shows under those conditions its 99% effective. One will need to take it once or twice daily for 28 days. If you think you’ve recently been exposed to HIV during sex or through sharing needles and works to prepare drugs or if you’ve been sexually assaulted, talk to your health care provider or an emergency room doctor about PEP right away. As a demographic gay men and lesbians in America are the least likely world wide to get new infections. Key populations (Sex workers, prisoners, ect) and their sexual partners account for:
- 47% of new HIV infections globally.
- 95% of new HIV infections in eastern Europe and central Asia and the Middle East and North Africa.
- 16% of new HIV infections in eastern and southern Africa.
- the black people Aka: African Americans, African British people, African Canadians, black people in african countries (not white or other Africans) make up the staggering majority of new infections globally

Queer people who have physical and economical access to sexual health services, tend to be very healthy when it comes to sexual health. Queers get regularly tested more often, use protection more often, treat infections quicker, notify others quicker, and quickly spread information if there is an outbreak better than almost any other demographic, the only ones doing better are doctors and porn stars.

#Queen Misconceptions: Part 4

I think as time goes on America forgets there is suppose to be a separation between religion and government. Religion does not decide government policy.

"Homos hate GOD!"/ "Queers want to end religion!"/ "You cannot be gay and religious!" Homo don't hate GOD. Queers want religious beliefs to stop inhibiting them from getting rights or being treated fairly. Yes you can be devout and homo. Queer and religious aren't opposites, they don't go against each other, they are not mutually exclusive, and not all Queers worship Satan, practice witchcraft, are polytheologic, pagan, or atheist. This one is easy to see where it stems from. The biggest antagonist against queer rights and people are relgious organizations. So in turn you have a lot of angry queers protesting hate against them, which nine times out of 10 are religious groups. However, not all queers reject or are rejected by faith (or faith communities), and not all faith communities reject queers. I go to a the country's largest queer confrence and there is a whole faith track. That means every session there are at least three different religious workshops. There are at least twelve 90 minute sessions over the three workshop days (there are 5 days to this thing by the way). What I do know is that Queers believe that the Christian Church should not run the government. No religion should run the government.  Religious beliefs don't get to determine people's rights. Queers want to end the conflation of church and state. I know a number of queers who were never rejected by their faith communities. They are proud Jews, Christians, Muslims, and Mormons. They are also ridiculously queer. I also know a number of c
queers that have gone back to religion later on in life. Not all queers are atheists not all of us hate religion. Enough of us have had bad experiences with religion to make the community-at-large seem jaded.  The S
Stereotype shouldn't be "queers hate GOD" it should be "people hate queers and use GOD to justify it." Hating people is not really in the spirit Christianity, Judaism, or Islam. The big three abrahamic religions preach love, tolerance, and acceptance. They also say that it is not our (humanity's) place to pass judgment, GOD is the only one who can judge. These haters stop being hypocrites and practice what they say they follow.

#Snatched Misconceptions: Part 3

Okay so I have no idea why the whole thing didn't post. I just noticed it was wrong 5/1/19. Sorry

Why do people say such nonsensical things?
"All homosexuals are pedophiles." / "Gay rights will lead to legalizing pedophilia." If you didn't already know that wasn't true let me be the first to tell you. No one respected in the Queer community is advocating for pedophilia. NO ONE! This is not a thing. It's not acceptable. When it comes to children (anyone not legally an adult) the Queer community wants the following: help and support for the homeless, conversion therapy to be illegal to practice on youth, more resources for their mental health, the right to adopt them, trans youth to be able to get the medical help they need with out their parents consent (hormone blockers and therapy), better inclusive sex Education, free STD testing, free birth control that doesn't need parental consent, rights/legal protection for queer especially when it comes to education.

I think the conflation of pedophiles and queers came partly out of scare tactics that were 100% lies. The other reason I could see the two being grouped together is because of the vanity in the gay male scene. Some grown gay men, especially twinks, look like they are freshman in highschool. I have friends that are almost 30 that look 14. We're so fabulous we stay young forever! If your over 25 but look like your 16 the world doesn't get to shame you or the people a attracted to you.

We're not more prone to pedophilia than heterosexuals. I actually think that because we're fighting so hard to end queer youth suicide that we're more likely to oppose it.

8/28/18

Daily Struggles

Every time I watch a religious ish movie, I remember I need to stop being stubborn. Stubborn people end up in Biblical, Qur'anic, Torahic, and/or, other Abrahamic religious situations. My mom would read my brother Joseph his many stories in the Bible. After I was always like "looks like I'm going to hell cuz there's no one like me in the Bible". My mom would say "Moses, Noah, Jonah, ect we're all like me. GOD would tell them to do something and they would try not to do it, out of spite or just being stubborn. Many people in the Bible fought GOD tooth and nail to try to avoid what he wanted them to do. Sound familiar?" Point being I have to do better. I'm right around biblical age as well.

A few years back, I was in California during one of their many droughts. My friend was smoking and threw her butt into a bush. It quickly caught fire. We scrambled to quickly put it out. After the fire was suppressed, I explained " I'm glad we took care of that before things got biblical. We almost ended up wandering through the desert or carving tablets of stone on top of this mountain. Nobody's got time for that I have a plane to catch in the morning."

Moral of the story is I don't want any more trials or tribulations. I would wish for smooth sailing but that's not safe. I would ask for easy comfortable living but first I have to be sold by my siblings. I'd ask for a simple life that ends with me going to heaven but that's a Saul/Paul kind of thing. I'd ask to be average but all the Marys were average. I think the problem is asking. If I just don't ask for anything maybe I'll be safe.

Skit: remember foxy

Foxy was my platonic romantic partner. I saw him recently for his birthday he has a boyfriend now. I hope they're the real thing. One of two things is going on. 1) They're legit and I am analyzing things too much. Foxy didn't want to cuddle because he has a boyfriend to cuddle. I really did do something to piss foxy off. 2) Foxy's trying to make me jealous with his boyfriend. Because I failed to be jealous foxy is mad at me and that's why they were annoyed with me. Foxy didn't cuddle me because they're trying to make me jealous by being all over their boyfriend.

Either way I'm not seeing foxy for a while. I need to get my shit together anyway.

Skittles: Almost four months later

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation and death

I miss not being in love.
Not being in heartbreak.
I miss being fulfilled
by the sound of laughter my friends make.
I miss being numb.
The not caring.
The empty.
It felt like freedom.
There was nothing.
No pain
No joy.
Being devoid was calming.

I remember every time I would finally be done with the pain of a heartbreak and settle into the numbness. It was always better than the pain for at least a month. However, after a month had passed, for some reason, I always wanted to feel again. I remember hating not being able to be happy or feel excitement. I felt cursed with apathy. There were no highs, there were no lows, there was only nothing. If it rained it ruined my hair didn't care. If I won a race or did really great on a test I thought I failed didn't care. I felt as much as my Android phone. It got harder to fake emotions that I was supposed to have. As time went on, I forgot how to feel those things. If I couldn't remember how surprise felt I couldn't recreate it when needed. I don't know what got me out of the numbness but slowly I started to enjoy life again. But I can't enjoy life right now I'm stuck in constant heartbreak, suicidal ideation, or panic. I loved her so much and I haven't really talked about it with anybody. I need to grieve, I need to heal, and I need someone to still love me (platonically). But right now I'm in such a whirlwind of emotions I don't want to feel anything. It's all too overwhelming. I can't see her, my doctor had me block her on social media. However, she has a business and I still like the page on Facebook. Also we have mutual friends so I see that she's going to or performing at certain events. I always really want to go. I want to see her. I forget to breathe just watching old videos of her. It feels like my heart has stopped. No that's not right. It feels like something is holding my heart stopping it from beating. It's trying but it can't. I watch her and it feels like I'm dying. And then I'm crying. And I can't stop crying. It all still hurts. I feel like I'm drowning. And I'm scared. I'm scared everyday I leave the house and I might see her. I find myself checking events and asking my friends to make sure that she's not there. I feel like I'm hiding all over again. And I just want to die. I can't do this again. I'm falling to pieces.

8/14/18

Daily struggles

I am not a good vagina owner. Every month I'm surprised by blood. Not because I'm not regular, but becuase I forget that it's a new month.
Me: what's that?
Vagina: blood?
Me: already? What month is it? How long has it been?
Vagina: it's August.
Me: Is it really time again? Aren't you early? Are you sure I'm not pregnant?
Vagina: Yes and you would need to get some semen in you some how to be pregnant.
Me: Are you sure? There has got to be some other way?
Vagina: How did you pass Biology or any of you Sex Ed classes?

Skitt: I'd Go Back To You by Selena Gomez

I feel this song. Big Mood!

Anyway I took the lyrics and made it a conversation I'd have with Amoriartii.

Take this love like Tequila
Neither of us meant to have that much
Too much makes me think things I shouldn't
About things I don't want to know to be true
And everything we've done
No matter how we fight it brings us back to this moment
I can lie to everyone but you
But you don't want to know the truth

You break my heart into pieces
But when it heals, it only wants you
And I hate it, I wish I could hate you

I want be with you even when I'm not supposed to
I try to move on, to love someone new
You're stuck in my soul despite me trying to exorcise you
If I could take it all back
I know I'd still be with you
I know I'd still be with you
I know I'd still be with you

We didn't really do this whole thing right
Going over conversations again and again
Overthinking every word replaying your face.
'Cause that's what I do.
Why do we try to hide it?
Everybody knows, they can see it in the way you look at me
And I'll never say I regret a word
But never doubt my love you

You break my heart into pieces
But when it heals, it only wants you
And I hate it, I wish I could hate you

I want be with you even when I'm not supposed to
I try to move on, to love someone new
You're stuck in my soul despite me trying to exorcise you
If I could take it all back
I know I'd still be with you
I know I'd still be with you
I didn't want to do it in the first place
But if I could take it all back
I know I'd still be with you

You've broken my heart
Too many times to count
But when it heals, it only cries out for you
I know it's scary and I know you
You’ll run so far so fast
But if you can just stay put
Fight the fear just for a second
You know I'm the love of your life too

I want be with you even when I'm not supposed to
I try to move on, to love someone new
You're stuck in my soul despite me trying to exorcise you
If I could take it all back
I know I'd still be with you
I know I'd still be with you
I know I'd still be with you

8/10/18

Daily struggles

I have carpal tunnel and I am not enjoying it one bit. I will have to wear a wrist brace for the foreseeable future, have surgery in the next 5 years, go to occupational therapy on and off for the rest of my life, take anti-inflammatory meds for the foreseeable future, and manage the pain with ever increasing strenghts of pain medication. If my wrist and hand had a brain autonomous from my own but could communicate this is how the conversation went down:

Me: dude stop!
Wrist: that's what I said but you kept texting, typing, swiping, and doing that thing when you swim.
Me: skulling?
Wrist: yeah! So now I will cause you pain for the rest of your life!
Me: Dick move! Not cool!
Genitals: Hey! We're offended
Me: you're not a penis.
Genitals: Not yet! But soon, and in our dreams we are.
Me: Ummm.. not in the foreseeable future. That was not part of the plan and if it was the wrist just screwed you out of it.
Wrist: Hey, I haven't visited in months, don't blame me.
Me: I was being metaphorical.
Genitals: This isn't over, we will succeed!
Me: Penis envy much?
Gentials: If our dreams were true, would be at full mast with envy.
Me: I don't know what you mean by our dreams maybe your dreams. But both of you need to stop.

#Kill'n 'Em Misconceptions: Part 2

Why the majority cannot just let minorities live is beyond me. The majority should just mind thier business and stop judging people they know nothing about.

"You must be attracted to the same sex becuase of sexual trauma." You can't be raped gay. In order to cope with tramua mental health professionals have observed some survivors start having sex with the gender opposite of their attacker. The professionals also say once a survivors begin to heal that they normally stop that behavior or identify as bisexual. Peoples sexuality evolves as they do. When a survivor begins the healing process they are rediscovering themsevles. Having sex with the same gender might be something a survivor actually enjoys after they stop using it as a coping mechanism. My two biggest issue with this misconception are: FUCK OFF for chastising a person trying to cope the best way they can in a country that doesn't have free universal health care (but also put a cactus up your ass for chastising a survivor's coping without being part of the solution and treatment plan created for them by the correct certified medical professional). FUCK YOU (any person who says "You must be attracted to the same sex becuase of sexual trauma.") for invalidating someone's sexuality by using rape culture.

8/3/18

#DragThem Misconceptions: Part 1

There are a lot of misconceptions around different identities within the Queer community as well as misconceptions about the community itself. I'm going to try to go over the ones I know that I think are most common or effect the entire community. I will also explain why these ideas about Queer people are simply untrue.

"Being Queer is a choice." I don't know where we are born this way or become this way over time but I know we don't choose to be queer. I think of it as are we born being able to love or do we develope the capacity to love as we grow. I know being queer isn't a choice through. Would someone choose to loose male privilege ( trans people assigned male at birth)? Would someone choose to put a target on thier back making themselves more likely to exspeerince all types of vioilince, higher chance of committing suicide, higher chance of being murdered (specifically but not limited to trans women of color, trans people who don't pass, gender non conforming folks, butch females, and effeminate queer males)? Would someone choose to be more likely to be bullied? Would someone choose to risk family rejection and homelessness? Would a religious person choose possible rejection from their faith community? Would someone choose to loose civil rights like not being fired, rejected for an apartment/condo, not receiving treatment at a public hospital, health insurance covering your needed medication, access to public restroom, the ability to adopt, and say in your romantic partners affairs if they are ill/dead just for being part of a spefic demographic? Would someone choose to loose the possibility of justice for their murder (in most states "Gay Panic" is still a legal defense that will get a person off for murder)? Would someone willingly choose a higher chance of exspeerincing hate? No! No one would. So when people say that being Queer is a choice they are saying we knowingly choose all of that. Or they are saying when a person found out that being queer came with all of that they choose to stay queer. That notion is so far from the truth. Someone can choose to ignore what they know to be true. Someone who is not heterosexual and/or cisgender can choose not to do homosexual, transgender, and/or asexual things. That part is a choice. Mental health professionals say those who choose not to embrace thier queerness are usually extremely depressed and suicidal. Someone who is queer can choose not to be part of the queer community. I have friends like that. They don't go to gay/queer bars, clubs, spaces, centers, or events. They aren't part of an online or digital queer/gay comminty either. They don't go to pride. They seem fine and happy. My friends like that aren't doing it becuase they are being forced not to, they just don't want to. My friends are making that choice. My friends that don't particapte in the queer community still embrace their own identity how they want and don't avoid other queers. If one of my non community queers meets another queer at a party my friends don't run the other way. My friends treat the queer person like any other person. My non community queers meet possible romantic partners doing things my friends like to do, like visiting old book stores or whatever they enjoy doing. My non community queers are still living their truth.  You can't choose whether or not to be queer. You can choose whether or not to try and be happy (and safe).

#Shady Misconceptions: Prelude

First I'm so sorry that this is over a month late. It took a long time to write this final installation of the Pride 2018 Series. I didn't just sit down and write it all at once. I couldn't. I had to sit and think, get outside opinions, and research. I live in a very queer bubble. Not just 90% of my friends identify as at least 1 queer identity. Most of my friends are the "radical" left. Most of my friends are grassroots activist. Most of my friends keep up with new queer theory, both academically and as it developes organically. My 5 closest friends are all queer and everyone of them except for 1 identify with multiple queer identities. 1 of my inner circle knows what's up and coming with queer media and art. They know where things are headed becuase they watched the new trend grow from basically inconception to popular.  With that said I rarely experience hate, see stereotypes, or deal with mainstream issues. I'm privileged in that way and it made this piece hard to write. But it is done now. There are six parts to this and then a four part Bisexual spin-off.