Skittles: Almost four months later

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation and death

I miss not being in love.
Not being in heartbreak.
I miss being fulfilled
by the sound of laughter my friends make.
I miss being numb.
The not caring.
The empty.
It felt like freedom.
There was nothing.
No pain
No joy.
Being devoid was calming.

I remember every time I would finally be done with the pain of a heartbreak and settle into the numbness. It was always better than the pain for at least a month. However, after a month had passed, for some reason, I always wanted to feel again. I remember hating not being able to be happy or feel excitement. I felt cursed with apathy. There were no highs, there were no lows, there was only nothing. If it rained it ruined my hair didn't care. If I won a race or did really great on a test I thought I failed didn't care. I felt as much as my Android phone. It got harder to fake emotions that I was supposed to have. As time went on, I forgot how to feel those things. If I couldn't remember how surprise felt I couldn't recreate it when needed. I don't know what got me out of the numbness but slowly I started to enjoy life again. But I can't enjoy life right now I'm stuck in constant heartbreak, suicidal ideation, or panic. I loved her so much and I haven't really talked about it with anybody. I need to grieve, I need to heal, and I need someone to still love me (platonically). But right now I'm in such a whirlwind of emotions I don't want to feel anything. It's all too overwhelming. I can't see her, my doctor had me block her on social media. However, she has a business and I still like the page on Facebook. Also we have mutual friends so I see that she's going to or performing at certain events. I always really want to go. I want to see her. I forget to breathe just watching old videos of her. It feels like my heart has stopped. No that's not right. It feels like something is holding my heart stopping it from beating. It's trying but it can't. I watch her and it feels like I'm dying. And then I'm crying. And I can't stop crying. It all still hurts. I feel like I'm drowning. And I'm scared. I'm scared everyday I leave the house and I might see her. I find myself checking events and asking my friends to make sure that she's not there. I feel like I'm hiding all over again. And I just want to die. I can't do this again. I'm falling to pieces.