I'm non-confrontational. Supposedly I avoid conflict. That's not really true. I have a terrible temper, I lash out when angry, I frustrate easily, I lack patience, I'm prideful, I'm stubborn, I rarely apologize/admit fault, but I do not avoid all conflict. I will argue, I rather enjoy winning augments, no matter the cost. I often look at friction/tension as a puzzle and the people involved as pieces. I will manipulate and bend the pieces to my will until I arrive at one of the desired solutions. I take the easy way out of problems that don't interests me. If I don't care about the issue or the person why waste my time trying to win? It would be fun but I really don't care that much. Yet, I get called non-confrontational. Which again really isn't true. Non-Confrontational people avoid fights because they are afraid or uncomfortable.
I am an over thinker who compartmentalize. We'll get back to the main point here in a second. I treat problems like puzzles, say a Rubik's Cube.
***Side Note***
Yes, I know there is technically only 1 solution. However, we are going to operate under the parameters that there is now than one solution. We are going to deal with parameters that give us a range of the solutions determined by a undefined equation that I made but then couldn't paste. t≥0 I created an equation using Σ but then I later came back and made it into a piece wise {} equation because I thought that might copy better. I was wrong, anyway, the range of solutions (y) changes based on the input which is the problem (x) and the variables time (t) and people (z).
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I spend my time trying to solve the cube for the most favorable patterns. I do whatever I feel is necessary to get to my solution. I do have a code. I do not do things that oppose my code. I do not do things that waste my time or I that I don't want to do. I'm lazy above all else. I do efficient grade A manipulation, work smart not hard. Everyone is a square and I need them to make my pretty pattern. I move them just like my cube in the optimal amount of time because I lack patience. If I can just solve the puzzle without anyone knowing they have been used I would say that I manipulate to avoid. I don't. I don't care about the tension that comes from people finding out you manipulated them. I care about how my scheme goes up in smoke. If I don't or haven't backed the square into a corner forcing them to be part of my final pattern then I don't get what I want. I manipulate not to avoid conflict but because it's easiest. The optimal lazy way usually win.
I over think and I compartmentalize. Finding optimal probable favorable solutions requires a lot of thought. Manipulating people requires a lot of thought, research, and acting. I have trust issues. I need to keep things need to know without coming off as mysterious and sketchy. I need to be likeable and trustworthy to who ever I'm working. I need to live my lies without becoming the lies or getting them confused. The easiest way would be to base the lies in as much truth as possible. I don't do that. I compartmentalize each lie each life. I currently live 4 different lives most of the time. They are not all completely different name, sexuality, and job usually stay the same. The most I've ever lived congruently was 8. Each social group required a different person. I would interact with 8 different social groups in a week, often times I saw atleast 3 different groups a day. I'm not so busy now.
None of this would tell you why I am I'm non-confrontational. I mean it does but let me connect the dots if you haven't already. What happens if I care but I don't want to manipulate the person/ situation on the off chance a person I care about finds out and hates me? I also don't want to argue because I'm mean when I'm angry or hurt. I could lie but that defeats the purpose of trying to be honest. I cannot avoid the situation because the person would notice me being different. Avoiding someone without their knowledge requires manipulations or lies both of which have already been eliminated as viable options. Thus non-confrontational. But what makes me afraid or uncomfortable? When you live the way I do, over thinking and manipulation are just like breathing, I do it unconsciously. I have to actively not do it. But if there is a problem or tension, I've already seen it coming. If I didn't see it coming I've already spent way too much time thinking about every possible out come because I don't want to be surprised again. I'm also a bit of a control freak. If I'm afraid it's because there is a statically high chance it won't work out the way I want or I will get hurt in the process. Yes, my assumption is usually expect the negative but I'd rather be prepared than optimistic. Also what about my life screams faith in humanity or trust in others? What makes me uncomfortable? If you haven't figured it out vulnerability, honesty, truth, and the opinion of some one I care about of me. I run from these particular moments of confrontation more than Trump runs from the truth or Hillary runs for president. I am more afraid that the person I care for doesn't care for me than anything else. Ignorance is bliss. If I don't have to know and don't notice then I can be happy in my Schrödinger's cat box of a life. If conflict happens, I believe I know the person, and I care about them then I can't live in my paradoxical box any more. I will theoretically find out the truth. There is one more possibility and this has only happened once in my life that I know of, and it still ended in me getting hurt, I don't know the person. The person is better at lying and manipulating than me. The person lies and manipulates me without me knowing. I care about them and at their mercy I believe the person cares about me. I get to keep living my lie as long as it suits that person's interest.
***Side note****
Who out smarted me and bothered to let me know? Kimmy. Around the time I first met her we talked about a shared interests in manipulation. We didn't talk about it ever again until after she broke my heart. We started dating and unbeknownst it was all part of her plot to out manipulate me. Except I wasn't playing or aware of the game. I didn't realize it was all a lie until after she publicly broke up with me. Nothing about our brake up made sense to me at the time. She said I was cheating on her work her ex boyfriend, who I never met and was abusive Web had a meeting with a guidance counselor about a week later for some mediation, not my idea. One thing she said made it all make sense. Kimmy said "It's like she think this is a game. She is playing us like a chess game. It's nothing personal she just wants to win." I had said the almost the same thing to her when we were talking about manipulating people. I said "It's a game. Treat people like pieces and play them like chess. All that matters is if you win." My heart hurt when she broke up with me strangely. But it felt like my life left my body when I realized what she had done. When we left the counselor I turned to her and said good game and she shook my hand. I loved her and she destroyed me.
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