Skit: New years resolutions

I have a few resolutions this year that I think I actually might be able to keep. I want to listen to understand not to respond. I think If I listen to understand I will know my friends better and have a deeper connection with the people I talk to. Conversation might have pauses as I process but I think they will be better over all. I want to walk away from conversation feeling like I know more than when I went in plus a sense of resolution that comes from deeper meaning. I want to think deeper. I want to question everything. Most of the time we do things just because we always have. Maybe we once knew the meaning of something but have long forgotten. If we reevaluate why we do things we might find the reasoning archaic or outmoded. We need to constantly being revolutionizing our lives so we don't get complacent and comfortable. That leads to plateau. I think questioning more will give me the constant feeling off progress we are all looking for on top of opening my mind a little. Last thing is I am constantly getting asked by my family, gay and blood alike, why I'm not dating. The answer is very complex and I am not going to go into detail about. But I want to love this year like I've never been hurt. I am tired of being scared. I want to live like I'm not jaded and do not know of the evils in this world. I want to love like I've never loved before. I when I fall, I fall hard, you all know that. But I don't live my feelings, so as far as anyone who interacts with me in real life they are left in the dark. I love hard but I do my best to hide that fact. This year I want to love out loud, and let the emotions I've have be known. So I am not going to shy away, and I am going to face the butterflies.  

Daily struggles

Heart,
In light of recent events you're decision making powers have been revoked. Your judgement has clearly been compromised, and your choices have been questionable at best this past year. Ms. H. Thalamus will be taking over all matters of the heart this coming year while we start the formal inquiry process to review your past performance. You are on permanent suspension and restricted to coronary functions only pending the outcome of the investigation.
This is your formal notice,
J-Skittles

Skit: a year in review '14

I am not going to do my year in review like last time where I broke down my life into three different aspects. Not much happened this year despite the up tick in writing. I feel like this year was rather regressive in terms of women's rights. Or maybe we never made as much progress as we thought on that front and that was only brought to light with all the rapes, murders, and court cases. Gender seemed to be all over the news with Janet Mock and Lavern Cox taking the world by storm. I am so happy that the face of the Trans*  movement this year was two strong black women. The majority of my inner city trans* community is QPOC and I think its important for them to have real role models. People who know what its like and have made it. They know what it is like not to have health insurance, to be harassed by the police, or to be confused for a sex worker. I've had the esteemed privilege of meeting these people. They remind me of my fairy godmother and they are in fact friends. They inspire me to be as strong as they are and remind me not to give up. Even in my darker hours It helps to know that I have people who support me. Its no secret I have been struggling with mental health for the pass two years. My depression in 2014 got worse for a number of reason. I stopped taking my meds, stopped getting help, and really stopped talking about it.  However, I know that's not the way. I can't quit because I have people looking up to me, depending on me to get things done.  I have to stay strong if not for myself, for others. I worked on setting up a support group at my old school for all of the leaders in the community who struggle the same way I do. I work on being support for my best friend and leaning on him too. I learned that for most things in this life you can not go it alone. You need help, support and to trust someone else. That is terrifying to me. I don't want to need help. I don't want to have to trust someone to get help. So as you can see I didn't get any better at trusting this year. I am still very reserved in my own mind. I know that how I come off and how I see myself are two very different people. I haven't decide if that is a bad thing because the J-skittles everyone else sees is a bad ass. But its lonely living a double life. This year has felt very lonely despite all the new friends, places and faces. I have had a craving to be understood. I have wanted someone to get to know me but unable to make that happen with my fear of letting people in. I have realized I have a lot of work to do when it comes to connecting and building new intimate relationships (intimate not necessarily meaning physical). But that just swings back to the whole trust subject. I find it is getting harder to trust the fellow man. There was so much hate this year. Every couple of weeks some young black person was being killed by the police the very people I am suppose to be able to trust to come to my aid if needed. It proved that we still have race issues. That some of us can't be trust because of the color of our skin. Tell me how am I suppose to trust someone when I can't trust "white people" cuz my parents say they are out to kill me. "Asian" people cuz they are out to take my education. "Latin@" people are out to take my job. "Black" people are out to kill me. Who does that leave for me to trust? With that said in every period of tragedy that befell us this year I saw a people rally up if favor of hope and support, unwilling to let hate win. That let's me know that we aren't doomed as a species yet. I have had my own personal moments along those similar lines. Having gone down a completely different path than I thought I would be on life has gone a lot better than I could have even hoped for.  I defiantly anticipated more resistants from my parents about me leaving University for a local school. I expected support from my siblings and in fact it was quite the opposite. My siblings, particularly my little brother, had a rather strong negative reaction. None of them really understood my troubles for the first couple of months I was home. But they asked me over thanksgiving break to make them understand. I told them I feel like Sia's chandelier. No matter how you take the lyrics, metaphorical or literal, that is how I feel every day. They seemed to get that. They understand that I am just trying to make it through and that I have rebuilt my one brick at a time. I learned this year I will never make it back to who I was. I want to, more than anything, wake up the same person I was August 2012.  But that person is dead and this person, this J-Skittles, is not. So I have to figure out who I am now and work with that. I can't go back, burn to many bridges. One I wish I hadn't. This pass year really cemented the relationship I would have with Gordic for years to come. I still check in on him cuz I care but we really don't talk unless we have to, which is usually never. I wish that was different and as far as next year goes I am going to try. I am so tired of being bitter and angry. I want to move past it but I don't know if he will forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me but like I said I'm bitter and angry. I have learned that I don't forgive myself as easily as I do everyone else and that jealousy can make me do crazy things. But crazy is good sometimes. Many unexpected things happened this year and you just have to go with it sometimes. Stop fight the current and go with it. But I've never been good with letting go of control. Its all a learning processes. That would probably be my huge take away this year let go, open your mind and learn. I have tried to thinking deeper this year. I can't say I really succeed but I am not going to give up. Trying to improve is noble quest that I think all of humanity is dedicated to, why shouldn't I try my hand at it. I think my resolutions for this coming year will reflect that when I pick so resolution. Maybe I will stop procrastinating and pick some before new years this year. Wish me luck

Stay fierce 

Skit: family matters

I spend most of my time talking about gender, sexuality, or the soap opera that is my life. What I rarely bring up is the fact that I am black. I talk about race issues but I never really talk about how I see race or how I feel as a person of color.  I've always though that the phrase of color was odd. Paintings are full of color the, different vases of color. People aren't of color because every person has a color and there does not exist a race of not color. White people aren't white they are pinkish. Ask a white child to draw themselves on black paper they don't use the white crayon the use the pinkish flesh like one, but I digress. I guess I've always felt more apart of the queer community than I do the African American one. Thus I don't feel as if I am qualified to speak about it. Yes I am black and I do have more if am authority to speak about the black community than a random not black person. However it's still a community and you have to be part of it to be an authoritative voice for it. Someone who is part of the community regardless of color of skin is more qualified to speak about the African American community than I am. More qualified still is African American member of the community. So I don't often talk about black issues. But recently my father asked me why I don't feel part of the African American community? I suppose it would be because of the values that I associate the current African American community with. Excluding anyone who is not for my generation, specifically talking about the young African American community I have very little in common with them. They don't value eduction; they are not dreamers or go getters; they have very little respect for each other; they do not value etiquette; they don't respect themselves; loyalty is all talk and never practiced; and family means almost nothing. I think I would fit in better with the old African American community, the way things used to be. From the stories I hear they were respectful, tight-knit, and valued information and education. The family and religion was also very important. Family is so important to me, I would do anything for my siblings. It means something when I call somebody part of my family. I have 5 adopted siblings, 1 half brother, younger step sister, and two God brothers. As far as I'm concerned there are my blood siblings, and I am bound to them. I will love them, respect them, help them, and never turn my back on them. I have two gay families. One with my fairy godmother and  fairy godfather. The other with my 3 gay dads, 3 lesbian aunts, 2 queer husbands, 2 kids, lesbian uncle, lesbian sister, straight mom, and bisexual cousin. We look out for each other. My gay families are my gay support system for all things queer in my life. I gravitate towards the gay community for its tendency to set up family networks and support systems. Everywhere you look in the queer community you will find family groups. In the ball scene, on the drag scene, in everyday support group, and centers. Even in the mentorship program I've become a mother or big sister to my mentees. From what I experienced in the young African American community they don't want more families because they from broken ones. Families that have let them down. (but again this is only my observation as a non member of the community) I will partake in communities that fit my identities based on whether or not I identify with their values. Identify with family and it has lead me to a lot of wonderful communities.

Skit: sweet nothings

I have decide that Amoriartii is my sweet nothing. Words that sound pretty but lack meaning and emotional depth. Its like sustaining yourself on the idea of chocolate but you never get to taste it or eat it, because in reality you don't have any chocolate. I want to touch, hold, and eat my chocolate. Giving your all and getting nothing in return just leaves you empty, with nothing but hope to cling on to. All the admiration in world means nothing when we both know the words are just full of hot air. I hope that if I keep telling myself this that I will be able to give you up, but its not easy. It should be, cause I'm not even the only one. I've know about the sex and that doesn't bother me. Its the emotional attachment. I can see it when you look at them. I know how you feel, you can't lie to me.  I've had my doubts for a while but I guess I would rather be confused than hurt. Refusing to know even though I can see the writing on the wall. I can remove myself from it so its easier to be your friend. I can talk about it in the abstract with out anything tangle to hold on to. I know it only hurts me but it helps me keep you here. I know all of my advice has been telling you to go after another's heart but I didn't need to meet them. I knew I would never be enough but now I know who is, and yes, that might me act crazy. But I've met him now so I Know I'm not the only one. I guess as the days grow shorter so does my patience for this whole thing. I keep telling myself I am to smart for this. Too good to be putting myself through hell like this. I am way too invested in nothing. The weather changes, grows colder, and so do I. Everyone's time is important so why waste it pretending to care. I'd rather just call this a draw and move on, because we are way pass the hour for tears. But I am to broken to just pick up the piece and carry on like Amoriartii never happened to me. I need time I do not have to rebuild my life. Squeezing every second out of my day and most nights I hardly find the time to sleep. Don't get me wrong I don't regret this. I have lots of old friends and misplaced memories because of this. I knew from the beginning that Amoriartii was way out of my league. I could  never love them right. But this it what we have hopes and dreams for. Pray for rain during drought season in a desert right. Hope and well wishes might be all I have left to hang on to. Unrequited love leaves you feeling so empty. So please don't take more than you need from me. I don't have much left.  I was kinda hoping we would end up together but that ended in flames too. Amoriartii was my prayer for heaven. Left with the ashes to start anew.

Daily struggle

When you have a million other plans but you cancel for the person you like only to find out they didn't cancel for you.

I don't even want to go anymore.
Is it to late to call in sick ( calling in queer)
If I was aromantic I wouldn't have these problems

Skit: and I didn't faint

I did it! I did it and I forgot to tell you. Exactly a month ago I told Amoriartii I liked them and I didn't die. I didn't bust into flames or melt or faint. They didn't say it back but they also didn't say they don't like me. If we were going off their reaction and other actions I would say they totally like me back. All I have to do is wait for them to say it. I think I can wait. *fingers crossed* I was expecting to feel relived but I just feel more nervous than before. I wish I would have fainted. Then they would know exactly how nervous they make me feel and I would have nothing to hide. As things slowly go nowhere I will keep you informed.

Skit: Mercy

The people who need to hear us won't listen until the streets are red with blood from both sides. Funny how something that is barely audible when alive is impossible to ignore when it's dead silent. I am tired of murder turning people into martyrs. I watch the news every night wondering if it's going to hit home , if it is going to be one of my friends on the TV. I wake up every morning wondering if it's going to happen to me today. I walk city streets and I see the police. I have to not only watch my back for the every day violence in the city, but I have to worry if I am running from the frying pan into the flames? Can I trust the people who are suppose to help me? We need to stop the violence on both sides. Giving in to peace doesn't make us weak it makes us strong by giving us or lives back. Give up for the chance to grow up, grow old, live. If it helps I'll be the first one to cave and say mercy. Cuz we are screaming it and it's falling in dead ears. We need mercy!

Daily struggle

Dear Santa

Instead of a hot significant other this year for Christmas I would like the following:

A cat (kitten) Bengal or Bombay
Free Netflix for the rest of my life
Unlimited credit on Grubhub and Seamless
And a faster metabolism.

Skit: world AIDS/HIV day

I have at least 3 friends who have HIV. I love all of them dearly. Most of them got it while I knew them so it doesn't phase me. But I have seen so many doors close on them because they got this dieses. I have seen what it does to there mental state. How it effects almost every aspect of their life. But I have also seen them grow and be forced to change for the better. None of them are the same. Life with HIV is their new normal. One of them does HIV/ Aids advocacy  work now. One does ILL and okay political theater. One does fundraising and finical support work. All of them are in my opinion better now than they were when they were negative. They have all had opportunities they never would have looked for or been open to before.  Their mind frame about the whole issue and issues like it ( ie mental illness and other chronic scarless illness) They have an understanding and clarity of life like never before. They have learned so much like who their real friends are and peoples true colors. HIV isn't stopping my friends from living their life and it won't stop me from being part of theirs. I am negative they are positive and as long as it stays that way that's all that matters. I get asked a lot what would you do if something happened and you got it. Something crazy happened like a car accident happened and positive blood got into my negative blood and now I have it. First off treat it try not to get it but if for some reason that didn't work and I now have HIV I am still alive. I am alive and I would then have HIV. I would hope that however I got it in the car crash it was at least worth it. Like my friend tried to save me or I tried to save them. I would love them even more after the fact for saving my life that I wouldn't even be mad. Today I would like to stand with my friends who I love. I am not being an ally or a brave person. I am being a decent human being who stands by her friends when they get sick. That doesn't make me an ally it makes me a friend. A disease makes us sick not less than human. I would like to be part of the process to ending the stigma against people who are positive. Get tested very often and regularly. Know your status. Stay safe and stay healthy (whatever that may look like)

Daily struggles

When your itching to take a day trip.
When you want to see a friend but you don't know which friend to see and they have to be state side.
When you can fly anywhere in the US to meet a friend and you wanna make a status so your friends will know your down to chill so they can make the choice for you
But you don't want to sound like a privileged ass ( even though you might be)

Skit: the color of your skin and the value of a life

I am once again extremely sad to be American. There is so much that happens that we are unaware of. Our news doesn't report anymore and we don't go looking for the truth ourselves but every once and a while something happens that we can't ignore. Black people in this country keep getting shot lethally. They are unarmed young and painted in the worse light possible by the media after their death. Instead of as a victim of police brutality.  I understand police go out and risk their life everyday to keep the peace and every interaction they have with non police personal might be there last. They walk around in fear of everyone around them because of what they have seen what they know people are capable of.  Mean while people walk around just as afraid of them. I don't know much but I can recognize when a system is broken. They train cops to shoot to kill and everyone who is not white is taught by either their family or experience not to trust police.  Everything that is not white is scary every american knows that. The media has perpetrated this and even worse we ourselves have started to believe it. We have started acting the part. It is now a crime not to be white in America. You will be shot, treated as a terrorist, or deported for it. We don't need to fear one another and acting up in violent protest isn't going to help. I know we want to react. But we need to react peacefully. That is the best option for the long haul. I would like to live in a country free to dress how I please and be free of judgment and harassment. I want to live in a country where my love doesn't hinder my religious practices. I would like to live in a county where the color of my shin doesn't define me.

The rainbow loves back

When I love like every love song and I am so high its been weeks since my feet touched the ground. I'm in denial about the fact that I'm flying and the letters that make up your name when pronounced correctly is the sweetest sound.  Half way gone and already delusional you think I wouldn't have to lie.  But the way you look at me, seeing right pass my defenses is petrifying. I know if my umbrella had holes in it I wouldn't keep it up. But just because you can get pass my guard doesn't mean I am going to let it down. In fact I feel like I need it more whenever you're around. I can't bring myself to just let you in. Which is why I think its best to remain friends. It doesn't mean I didn't like you or that I like you any less. I just need time and patience.  I promise you I'm worth it. Please don't get discouraged. I let you in a little at a time. Every time you here me sing and sing along or laugh I feel more at ease. Every time you catch me dancing and you tease. Every time I tell you how I feel and you accept that I grow a little more comfortable. I give you a little more rope, stand back, and see if you will hang yourself. Everything is a test and at any moment you could fail. But your human so I understand we have failings. I, for one, am far from perfect so I want you to like me not for my short comings or my success but in how I arrived at them; and I will judge you the same way. I am more interested in how you fail and deal with the failure then what you failed at. (unless it is a failure to acknowledge the hetro white classis cisgender christian patriarchy  system of oppression) I don't want to stop at knowing how you think I want to understand the thought process. I want your syntax to feel more familiar than my favorite pair of jeans. I want to be able to match your gate with your emotions. I want to for fill and surpass your expectations when it comes to being able to make you feel better. But I suck at comforting others, I can't even comfort myself, but I will try. I want you to know that I feel your feelings. You know I try to be distant and cold when really I am warm feeling. I am always scared of hurting and so socially awkward it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing, just making it up. But that is hard for me not knowing every move. I would like a plan, a guide that details every step. The control issues at very real but please don't go. I'm not a ruthless dictator I promise and yes I know that is what they all say. The unknown is scary and I like to know what's coming. That's why you are scary because I didn't see you coming. I don't like surprises but I'll surprise you.

Daily struggle

One day I will be on the news for killing a screaming baby on my plane. New rule children under 7 get sedated to keep the other people from killing them

Skit: Turn out for what

National vote day everybody! I know everybody has the idea of my vote doesn't matter or I don't even know who to vote for. Well vote anyway. If you live in a big city and vote later in the day you can Google who is up for election  and what the people stand while you stand in line. http://www.isidewith.com You will know who to vote for by the time you get to the voter's box. I vote based on a couple of issue that impact me directly, student loans and minimum wage. Goggle will tell me who is for lowering student loan interest and raising the minimum wage. Goggle will also tell me where I can go to vote. We need to vote for our congress people and our general assembly. The closer they are to local government the more they affect you. Vote for people in your state and your town. They are so important and put in way more work then your senators and representative who spend most of their time filibustering and funding the sex worker industry in other countries but vote for them too. Exactly how the the election process works is strange. It is all about the  electoral college and how that  works is confusing and confounded but the popular vote does matter too. So I am asking you what are you truing out to vote for?

Midnight sacrifices

This is a dramatization of what I feel like when awoken.

*is rudely awoken by loud stranger on the phone in the next room over*

*puts on nightgown*

* walks down the cold hallway barefoot*

* grabs hunting riffle off the the mantle from over the fire*

*warms cold feet near fire for a second*

* walks back up the hallway*

* murders who ever is on the phone this loud at Fucking midnight*

*sacrifices  there dammed soul to  Satan* ( because there is a special place in hell for them for waking me up)

* drinks blood of enemy like glass of warm milk*

* goes back to sleep in the peaceful quiet of the night*

If there is one thing I love just as much as chocolate and skyrim its my sleep. ( and I get so little sleep) waking me up unwise and I will be very grumpy and cranky until I get back to sleep.  No victims were actually sacrificed.

Daily struggles

The very real struggle of being less of a bitch. (Overly aggressive, harsh, alpha female)

Skitt: writer's block

I am having trouble writing to Amoriartii. I have been trying to write them for about a month. I want to write something witty, funny, and cute so that they like it but that is difficult. Writing the truth would be easier but I frankly don't want to and they wouldn't want to read it any way. If I was to write honestly from the heart I still don't quite know what I would say. I would ask them how they have been. We haven't spoken as much because I've been bitter about not spend their birthday with them. I know that things hit them harder than they expected, wanted, or was really ready to handle but hey that's life for you. Emotions in there many forms can throw us for a loop and that's okay. More often than not we need to feel. People like us need time to just feel. Where we are going to find that time to feel is another story. How is life in D.C? Was D.C ready for you? I would say I know what your going through but D.C might as well be a second home for you as much as you were there before so I hope it hasn't been to much of an adjustment. So much change this fall new city, new people, new job, and new chapters. I am looking forward to seeing you in my second city for Ostem 2014 and waiting to here your stories with bated breath. So much has already happened since I last saw you and we will no doubt have much to talk about.
With Love,

But I want to know about the boys and life and work. I miss them so terribly. But I also have so many feelings directed towards them because of recent events that I am trying not to to let effect my judgment. I want to tell them I was so sad, hurt, and worried when they canceled for their birthday. That I feel unimportant in their life in lieu of recent events. Also I need to tell them how I feel. Though again because of stuff and things I almost feel contrite about like them so much. We will see how things go.

Daily struggles

When you have create new terms because you weather is that crazy. Like thunder snow, wtf is thunder snow!!!?? Do I need an umbrella or snow pants????

When the rain is trying so hard to be snow but it just can not even. Hahahahah.

Light smog rain. Again what is smog rian??! I think a hazmat suit should suffice.

Smog rain: rain that really wants to snow. The rain is so thick and its so humid out you can see the smog in the city. Gross.

Daily struggles

Legolas more like LegoYasssssssssssss

Did I mention I had a little brother.

Daily struggle

When your body won't let you get fat. Body gets close to 160 gets, gets really sick, loose 10 pounds.

Daily struggle

Conversations with my homo homies: oh Queen Goddess and baddest bitch of them all, am I basic if I order a pumpkin spice latte Tall?

If you have to ask whether you're basic or not you're already pretty basic.

Daily struggles

Part one: I can't remember who husband number 4-6 are
Part two: " the hardest part of the zombie apocalypse will be pretending I'm not excited" Husband number 7

Skit: love so loud

My two friends have the love I dream about. They make me cry with joy and happiness when I am around them. They over flow the room with there love. But all is not well in Paradise.  Let's start from the beginning when I originally met the two of them. When I met them and when they met each other they were both in relationships. The Pool Boy with Husband number two and the Dance with the Stripper. Husband number three was trying to get with Husband number two and he eventually succeeded.  This lead to the very violent end to my crew and both relationships. But Stripper and Dancer were into my Pool boy. So there was a love triangle going on for a little bit ( 10 months). The Pool boy ended up falling for the Dancer, which I knew he would. But after a break up a lot of us aren't ready for a new serious relationship and just want to have a lot of sex. Using sex not to feel or have sex to mend the pain you know the usual reasons to be a slut after a break up. And a sex loving unfeeling something that means person but starts with T so I can use slut as an acronym Dancer became. Pool boy wasn't happy with that. Pool boy is the model they use to describe the jealous type. He does not share, and he believes in the idea that loving some one and them committing to you means ownership in some way. So the healthy sex drive that Dancer had ( and still has) was a problem. Pool boy won't date anyone who has Grindr or anything like Grindr. He stopped hooking up with Dancer and did something like its me or the dog but with sex.  So Dancer left him. But not before one last hook up. Which lead to an HIV scare. Dancer contracted HIV during his cranial  adventures in other peoples beds. He was safe, he was careful and he still got it. ( we were activist 90% of what we do is teach safe sex). Then he almost gave it to Pool boy. So let's just say that they ended their friendship on a bad note. 10 months go by and sometime time during that period the Dancer realized he loved Pool boy. He tries to get back in contact with Pool boy but he is going through somethings and wanted nothing to do with the Dancer ( I swear I should make a book about this). So two months later they both work down the street from each other. They ran into one another while they were waiting for the bus. All of this time has gone by but you wouldn't know it. They act like they fought yesterday and its time for them to kiss and make up. But Dancer not Pool boy is afraid. Dancer is afraid he is going to give Pool boy HIV even though he has taken all the precautions. Pool boy loves him and wants to be with him regardless of the risk. I think somewhere deep down Pool boy knows Dancer is the one. I know that they are meant for each other. Dancer won't say anything out of fear. He doesn't want to risk hurting someone he loves so much and Pool boy is too stubborn to make the first move. They are about to throw it all away over nothing. When they go out people can tell that they are in love. People watch and look. They get those knowing smiles from their waiters. They come in to a restaurant early and stay till close. Pass close because no one ever has the nerve to kick two people in love out. Everyone can feel it, see it, we all know it. Nothing is louder than love. I just wish they would listen to it and stop being stubborn.

Skit: progress can be slow

I spend many of my weekends home. In the city that I cam out in. In the places that made me the raging Queermo that I am. I feel like that should feel regressive. I am a junior in college I should be doing internship and interviewing. I should be picking out companies to work for. But to tell you the truth I might be one fourth of the way done with my degree. I am taking the scenic route. Its been four years since my peak at ATYF, which is where most of the guys in my life came from. Its been three since my time at ISSA where all queer friends come from. About six months in to my time at each place I met all of my friends here, and we are all still here. That should sound bad, that none of us have moved on from this place. Any normal person would think it was bad. My friends age now range from 18 to 30, so four years ago I was 16 and it was from 14-26. We are all still here. Some of us only spend the summer here because of school but this is still home. No of us are dead. There are so many normal ways to die in Chicago and we lived. God knows some of us would have been dead without our guardian angles. Some of us should've been dead but death can't touch this. So when I say we are all still here that means we didn't succumb to gun violence. We didn't let depression beat us. We stayed healthy regardless of our status. We didn't leave when it tough, and we toughed out the cold. So it might just feel like progress because we all survived. But I mean for some of them their lives are here. My friend that is thirty is an assistant director now. That is a jump from where he was four years ago. My friend and their partner just moved in together. My other friend just bought a house. Nobody has graduated college yet ( to the best of my knowledge who already didn't have a degree). Nobody has gotten married or started a family. I have had friends go back to school. I have had friends that have been published, promoted, and written books. That's not stagnant or regressive. But I guess my issue isn't with them its with the friends like me who's lives look like they are going backwards. If you didn't know I left my big ten school where I was on a full scholarship.  I hated it there and it was killing me. I am still in school but I am not in any engineer classes right now. But just like the rest of my friends, who are just now finding stable footing after some difficult shit, I looks regressive. I know like it looks like went backwards that I wasn't able to hold my own. But I went through it. They went through there own little trail and tribulations but that's over now and they made it. Now we need to do what's best for us regardless of what it looks like. So yeah being back every weekend feels like familiar, but its not the same. Because we aren't the same. Its so strange to me that we can spend basically 10 months apart and come back over the summer like its nothing. Like nothing has changed. But things do change, mostly us, but we are able to make it work. We don't see each other for ten months most of the time because we go away for school or have grown people stuff to do durning the year but for two months we catch up and we are together and everything is okay. I don't know what I am going to do when one of us moves away. Its like 28 of us including myself.  I normally don't see my friend durning this time because I am normally gone but its nice to be able to chill with them on the weekends just like I use to when I was 16. I think it is self medicating for my depression because I am so happy when I am with them. We are all at different points in our life somethings like getting tacos at 2 am or talking over froyo, kick backs in the car even just never get old. And talking with each other definitely helps us. We all have different prospectives and thought processes so discussions are heated and insightful. I learn so much from them. And in many ways I can feel the difference. We all are a little smarter, wiser, and stronger. We all pretend to be a little more mature. The changes that we have undergone because of life's test sit well with in our bones now. We can all kind of breath happy before winter comes. I think because summer is a party time for us now that the dust of our fast lives has kinda settled we are free to live slower and have that time to reflect. So kick backs in the car moving forward just at a pace that allows us to enjoy the ride.

Stay fierce

J Skittles

Daily struggles

More life advice brought to by the professor (mistress number 11): Always trust your crazy ideas. ;)

Skit: actual content

There is a lot of things that I could talk about on here. In my everyday life I experience various level of sexism, gendering,  and sexualization of women's bodies ( I find that the way I dress isn't so much to convey a gender identity its to avoid being sexualized) I see blatant acts of homophobia on a regular. Racism in micro aggression that are socially acceptable. I think we have turned a blind eye to thing that are so obviously wrong because society says we can. We don't think its wrong because we don't think about it. I am spending the rest of October questioning every action I do and many of the actions that other people do.  For example I was playing fruit ninja in class because I can multitask and there was nothing to take notes on. However, I can look at it now and see how that might come across as rude. I sit in the front row I could at least pretend to be 100% involved in what's going on. I participate don't get me wrong. I listen to what my teacher is saying and engage in the discussion.  I would probably get more out of the class is I stayed focused. I also realize that its a respect issue, a personal values issues ( which makes it seems like I am lacking in some), and a cultural values thing. I see it looks like I don't respect my teacher, or I should respect him more. If I valued respecting others I would pay attention. If valued my teacher like Beyonce ( I would never play fruit ninja while Beyonce talked)... However, ( this is a very one sided and biased view) if I valued my  teacher like I was a student in a Chinese class room in some racist karate movie I don't think I would been playing fruit ninja. Why don't I have those values? Why am I not that person and is that a good thing or should I strive to incorporate that particular point into my life. As I begin to unpack this very simple thing I do everyday it brings up more question. Why is Beyonce so much more important in my life then my education! She's not but from this example it seems so. I am sure I could find more examples to support the Idea that Beyonce is more important than my degree. Again she's not but if my action say one thing does my ideology, what I say, or what I think matter? If I am acting against my beliefs I must not really believe it right? I know I am blowing things out of proportion and taking things to the extreme but this is how it looks. People aren't privy to our inner most thoughts, logic, and reasoning. They only have a little bit of context to judge us by. As much as I don't care what the world thinks if me I do care what me would think of me.  I would think I was lazy and disrespectful. That I wasn't taking my eduction seriously. Which is not at all what is going on in this particular class. I love this class and it shows in all the work I do for it just not in class. Its silly not to work as hard in class if I am working hard out of class. A simply look into a small activity changed my day. Brought attention to what might just be a personal laps in values but I think you will find that in examining everyday stuff we all need a good moral kick in the pants. I think America has sold our principles and systems of values in favor of dollar large ice teas. However this is only day one and I have so much more to question. See if you can spend a day, 6 hours, or even a brief trip out and about  question why you acted a certain way, why everyone around you acted a certain way and why everyone's going along with it.

I spent all of this post wanting to write about my feelings. Its fall here, which normally means pretty leaves, spiked cider and BOOTS!!!! ( I love Boots!) But sky is often grey and I feel everything. Maybe its not me feeling everything its more of an interpretation of my surroundings. It feels like melancholy ( why does that word that sound happy, it is not). Which makes it hard to get out of bed. Harder to leave the house. Much harder to be productive. The sky have been full over cast clouds and it has rained almost every night. Its just grey and wet outside. I don't go walking during the day anymore. (Which I use to do at least once a day) It brings me down. But I do like walking at night, the moon looks brighter out here and everything is much quitter. Like Urbana was at U of I. I moved again I keep forgetting to tell you. I hate moving and I haven't settled yet. I refuse to put things away or take everything out of boxes. I don't adapt to big change well if you hadn't noticed. I don't know why? Change is normally one of the things I am best at in every other aspect of my life. I am hoping that this noticing the little things will help me learn more of myself. I finally feel like I kinda know who I am again. I like this person for the most part. I am rather quick to call myself she or her but it doesn't feel right. I feel much more like an it. But it makes people uncomfortable because it seems dehumanizing. I wonder how dehumanizing it would be to look at their life from space then look at the rest of space.  Like I said I have a lot of feels today but I can't quite articulate them so I am going to spare you those details until next time.

Stay fierce

J skittles

Daily struggles

I need to get sick more often the pharmacist is a cutey 

Daily struggles

Life advice brought to you by yours truly and the Pool Boy: always choose the dangerous option. Even if there is a safer option look it, consider it, but don't take that one. Choose the dangerous option life if more fun that way.

Daily struggles

Conversations with my main mistress.
Him: go straight.
Me: I can't. Teehee
Him: just go forward
Me: Okay
*swears between lanes*
Him: what the heck are you doing? We are going to be pulled over for drunk driving.
Me: I'm not drunk, I've driving bisexually.  I'm on both sides of the line.

Skit: I don't leap I get pushed

Did I ever tell you the story of how I slipped and fell and when I got up I was bisexual. I kinda tripped into my super queer life. I accidentally landed into the boss chair which put me in charge of founding this kink organization. Looking back on my life a lot it happened despite my efforts to stop it. Let's look at being bisexual, a lot of things had to happen for me to realize that I was queer. I went to a super queer highschool, not everyone was homo but we didn't believe in traditional gender roles. We believe in being yourself, exploring what that meant, really discovering who yourself. We had guys who wear dress for like a week just because they were curious. But that is the type of school I went to. I am certain if I would have gone anywhere else I would still be straight. It took a girl so much like me to really push me in to being like oh snap! Same thing with my super queer life. It all started because my friend dragged me to a Queer straight alliance meeting. In every instance if I would have had my very stubborn way my life would be drastically different. I was pushed in to it. I never take leaps of faith and when I do its not a leap of faith its a very calculated jump. Though my life has change a drastically since starting high school I have petty mixed stayed the same. Anyone can look at my life and say there you must have had to take a leap of faith there. The answer would be no. I am woefully inexperienced when it come to just jumping. I always look first, then it is usually followed by me colorfully explaining why I am not going to jump. So when my friends explained to me that love is a leap of faith I knew I was screwed. Love just isn't for me and I am off to get a cat as we speak. I do not do crazy dangerous things. I go asking with my friends to do mildly entertaining things and along the way life puts me in very spicy situations. We can go back to love for a second, I had no intentions of finding it while I was is school. I thought there was no way in hell I'd get picked to go to New York. I also knew there was no way I was going to be able to pay for it if I did go. However, one way or another ended up in New York city for the Google conference!!! I just wanted to learn, explore, and see a couple of my friends while I was there not make new friends. But again man makes plans and God laughs. I met AmoriartiI while I was there and it started a whirlwind of events that neither of us could see coming or control. Our lives were thrown together and it seems the more I resist the closer they get. Oddly enough after a year of fighting it I almost want it. I want to like them. I do like them I mean I want this... Love. I just can't leap. I don't know how because all of my life I have been pushed. I awkwardly landed in Amoriartii's life, now I am just one mistake away from forming more permanent relationship.

Daily struggles

My little brother's hot orchestra teacher

Daily struggle

Causal lesbian conner on the train. There is a stud and her fem sitting across from me and I am sitting next to a cute hipster dike. Ladies loving ladies only

Skit: I wish was Aromantic

Here we go again. Why does this always happen when I have a lot of work to do. Only when I have to focus on school does my heart kick in and become the biggest distraction. I keep repeating to myself I don't need you, I don't need you, I don't need you. Hoping that if I say it enough it will magically be true. I don't need you but I want you. What is so wrong with not loving anybody. I do better on my own anyway. I get more done. Its not like I have the time. It is true I am not as busy as I once was but it's because everything takes longer when your depressed. Also I am depressed. I can't handle all of these feelings.
Its just making pace and stress for no reason. I need to stick to the plan I don't have room for all this extra. Plus you live far away in a completely different time zone. The time is always wrong. I mean its great and all that we get along, that with out words we understand. It is even slightly amusing that we share so much, even a shoe size.  I must admit its a very tempting offer. But I can't. There is too much uncertainty and too much needed from me. In all honesty I am scared. I can't open myself up like that and be shot down. I would hate you for life. I don't want to hate you. I also don't want to love you. Why can't we just be friends? Are we to similar? Your smile, eyes, laugh it feels like I've know them all my life. Maybe because they remind me of my own. Your compassion is like mine. We even think along the same lines.  But all that a side I can not be swayed in to fall for you. Okay admitting that I have fallen for you. At least out loud I won't say I'm in love

Skit: um.... sexual

I don't know if you know this but I am Bisexual. Surprise!! But my use of the word is way more complex than the most common: I like boys and girls. It is true but it is so much more than that. Its also more complicated than the super queer definition: I am sexually attracted to boy and girls. Though also more or less true. I am Bi/Pan romantic: I am usually romantically attracted to people who identify as one of the two genders in the binary gender system; However, because I love a person not a gender and you just don't know a persons gender up front if I fall for someone who I later discover lies outside this system that's fine too. Then in top of that I am kinda demisexual kinda asexual, somewhere on the grey scale ( grey scale: scale of sexual attraction from asexual to sexual that includes demisexual and demiromantic). I wrote a post about wishing I was asexual and guess who got their wish? This bitch! Its actually really nice not being sexual attracted to anyone. But I think what I wanted is to be aromantic: not romanticly attracted to anyone. However, every once and a while I fall for someone and I want to do them, like knock their boots! But I have to like them romantically first, thus me being demisexual. But just cuz I like someone romantically doesn't mean I will be sexually attracted to them. Life is hard. I am not saying there isn't a sexual beast somewhere locked deep down inside of me but she hardly ever gets out. But when ahe does god help us. I get strong crazy sexual urges but they aren't directed to or caused by a person the urges are just there. Its like I was asexual yesterday and had been for two and a half years, what are these feelings in my pants! So when I say I am bisexual I mean I like people who fit into the binary gender system, but everyone is generally welcomed,; and I have to like someone romantically before jumping in to bed with them but just because I like you doesn't mean you can ride my motorcycle. Also there is a sexual monster that slumbers inside of me please do not wake her up.

Daily struggles

There is no way in hell I got skin cancer

Mending wounds

Dear Gordic,
      I have written you quite a few times in our short, all be it turbulent, friendship. I don't even know if you can call our association with each other friendship anymore. I don't think the fact that we are still Facebook friends is enough to justify even a loose use of the word. I am friends with your friends, though no where near as close as you have grown with some of mine. So I see you around and I here about you in their stories, for the most part you seem well. I hope you are well. Your senior year should be smooth and enjoyable. I know we had plans to spend it together. We were suppose to live together this year. We were going to bake, knitt, study, sing, dance, watch TV drama, and complain about boys. I wonder if you remember or if your even sad that it didn't work out quite that way. Your roommates defiantly do all of that stuff, so you should do it with them. But I, for one, am sad it didn't work out. I couldn't stay at that school it was literally killing me. There is no doubt in my mind that if I stayed I would not have lived through the year with the way things were going.  I was always deathly ill one way or another. It just breaks my heart that I  had to leave everyone because almost everyone wanted me to stay, begged me not to leave, almost everyone asked but you. Thank you for not asking me to stay, because I would have. If you would have asked as my friend for me to stay I would still be there, and I would be okay. It would be hard but with you and the rest of my friends in my corner I would have made it. Life is always better, easier when you have someone who just gets you in your life. You were my first friend in college and, dam it, you saved me that year. and look how I repayed you. I wrote you a long while ago about keeping my secret because it was the best course of action. I wondered if a time would ever come where all the damage I am doing by not talking to you would make the secret itself worthless, that time has come. at such a time I have nothing left  worth protecting or to sacrifice. Not telling you I love you has destroyed our friendship the thing I hold most dear. Everyone keeps telling me get over you, move pass it, its over now. Its not over. I may not love you anymore But God do I still care. I wonder how your doing, if your enjoying yourself, what your latest knitting project is, how your sister is doing. I cried to you, I could talk to you, I could look at you and just laugh. We had more fun together actually doing nothing ( not drinking, playing video games, going out) absolutely fucking nothing than I have had doing anything thing else with anyone since I've been there.  I would look at you and wonder how is it humanly possible to get along with some this well, feel so comfortable, and they not be up to something. I learned to trust you, more than you trust me, but that fine. haha ( old memories that aren't that old are still funny) I don't make friends like that lightly. I think there is a bond here, and when I form a bond with my friends, come hell or high water we are still friends. I don't just let friendships like this one die. I fight for them. I think that is why I have such a hard time moving on, or letting go, because I don't want to. I have had friends die in my arms, and it has taugt me life is to presious to lose friends over bullshit. I don't make friends easily and, short of something life threataning, I intend to keep the few I make for life. I probabaly should have told you about the forever clause in the fine print, oops. So some way some how, we will be friends again. After I learn to forgive myslef for the horrible things I have done to you and all the pain I have brought to your life maybe I will be able to ask you for your forgiveness.  In the mean time I wish you the best.

Joy, Peace, Love, and all that Jazz,

J Skittles

Skittles:Love who loves you back

Sexuality is probably one of the most complicated things I study. What makes a person want to get naked with a stranger and join their most sensitive and delicate parts of their bodies is beyond on me. There is so much trust just naively given. But before all that there is something about another person that draws us in. It can change in an instant. Sexuality develops with us and evolves despite us. Never in a million years did I think I would be my own case study, yet here I am. At the beginning staring across the room, unable to look away. I don't do this, which is why I study it. I find these feelings fascinating because I don't feel them, I don't understand. But I am transfixed by a pull, a call in the wild beckoning me. People describe sexual attraction from everything to being hot, to an insatiable hunger. I would have to agree that every part of me wants to devoir every part of them. I want to grasp them, run my fingers down their back, give them hickies all over their neck. I want their entire body. But only after I get all these clothes off. I am surprised they haven't melted off yet. Visions of our bodies intertwine start to play in my head as I walk across the room to meet the muse. Its really not helping that I am not wearing the pants to be this aroused. But I don't care if everyone stares. They are all I can see. I feel connected like my feelings aren't only being experienced by me. No longer isolated and alone everything I feel seems to shared. I am vulnerable and open with all my cards on the table but I am not scared or afraid. Every step I take closer to my desire seems to make me more confident. Slowly I make my way through the crowd. I feel like everything is in slow motion. A slow confident walk toward them never taking my eyes off them. Almost if I was to look away for a moment they would disappear and I would lose this feeling. Its funny, I haven't even introduced myself and I am so sure they feel it too. That they are the one pulling me in. They probably didn't even notice me coming closer toward them. In my head I have this vision that once I get there we are so close I simply say hello. Everything is so erotic and electric that their movements mimic mine. There lips reacting to mine before we even touch. Crazy, I know. But if the attraction is mutual they will unknowingly subtlety mirror me. I wonder if that's what makes it impossible for me to look away. Am I looking for a sign that they feel the same. Secretly hoping that they do, so I can take them back to my hotel room. We will do what bunnies do and more. Riving in the physical ecstasy with unintelligible words. Not that the message goes unreceived. Just the grunts and moans seem to be their own form of communication. Its all so instinctual. Letting go of every inhibition to satisfy a basic but driving force inside of us. What makes it worse is how much we like it. We don't even understand it but we don't care it feels right. All for a feeling, that is forever changing. I look at them questioning why am I so drawn to them. They aren't my type. Not to say I have a physical type but I prefer certain body characteristics paired together. All people do. They have none of the sets I like. I don't know them so its not in the personality and the eyes are just as common and mundane as mine. I have lost the feeling, the fire and passion of my walk over here to meet them. But all at once with out noticing I have a arrived. I would hate to have walk all this way for no reason. To cross a room for a feeling and then venture nothing is to gain nothing. Grabbing two drinks from a passing waiter "I would like to share a drink with you" after we exchanged the normal pleasantries or time together was through. "have a truly captivating evening" "that's it?" they sounded so confused by my abrupt exit. It was right but now it doesn't fit. its much like the end of a one night stand all the magic is over. "that's all I needed"

daily struggles

I don't think this counts as a struggle so I am going to rename it daily winning: Bonding with your classmate over drunkenly playing some sort of naked twister.

*ps you don't know how close you and your friends are/ can become until you've played twister drunk and semi naked

skitt:Kingdom hearts for the heartless

Many times I have tried to capture the bliss in words. Tried to explain why a simple situation is more than the sum of its parts. This past weekend is no different. I can say I hadn't seen my friend in weeks and that's what made my weekend special. But it isn't something so simple and shallow. I hadn't seen my friends in months. The last time I saw Jerjer was in July. I missed my freshmen, who are now sophomores, President Ray, Lexi, and Gaysha. I miss the casual drinking and being able to walk to my friend’s house. I miss being involved in their life. I traveled back to my old school this weekend. Unannounced, I planned to spend most of the weekend with my best friend and not have a lot of people trying to see me. I only told a few people because I wanted to see a few people. However, I reluctantly accompanied my friend to the resource center, basically my second home; it was anything but low profile. My friend was like it will be fine you’re not as popular as you think you are. Our technical support person was so overjoyed to see me she completely ignored my friend. Mind you we both went to this school and often visited this center. I have never been so aggressively hugged by a straight woman. I was warmly revived by all the people who still love and care about me, miss me terribly, and feel like there is a hole where I use to be. I saw my good Friend Jerjer and his roommate Naninani, who I adore. I wasn't going to get to spend time with them because Jerjer rooms with Gordic.  Gordic and I have a more than rocky relationship. I respect him and his space and privacy. I have always said the home is where the heart is, and we make a big fuss about staying out of each other home.  I don't want to violate that, because unfortunately I still care about how he feels. It's really important to me not to cross this line and destroy whatever it is, because I fought hard for him not to even know where I lived. I don't want to disrespect him by invading a space that's free of me. It wouldn't feel the same any more. But any who, he wasn't there so I got the rare opportunity to go stay the weekend at Jerjer's place. It was truly a weekend all about me where I got to think only of myself. I got to expatriate my Jerjer's pumpkin spice infatuation. Nicknamed the apartment the basic apartment, like I woke up like this... Average! I was in a space with my good friend who lets me be me without judgment. But there was this new person Naninani who doesn't know me and who I do not know. Our friendship was very shallow due to the lack of time we had spent together. But Jer and Nani had lived together for at least a month now were closer than close. So as much as I adore Nani I didn't know how to act or feel and it lead to me being very up tight the first night. So I kinda felt that I was always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and that Nani hated me. And as much as this weekend was about me I am very loving giving person and I just gave to them all weekend. I made or bought every meal that they ate those two days. And I listen and tried to relax. I think Nani could kinda see my caution by Saturday and welcomed me to let go. And I did a little bit at the end. It leads to what was so magical about the weekend. When we were all just on the floor (you know when you’re so messed up you just need to lay down) listening to Whitney Houston, connecting with the music and each other it was surreal. I look at Nani and said “This was better than anything I could have ever hoped for". I didn't go out partying and I didn't get wasted, I did nothing noteworthy to talk about in my 20 something year old circle but I will never forget that weekend. I will never forget how I felt just to be with them. It makes my body tingle to think about it. When I took a step back, while I was just laying, there to realize how profound that moment was its like everything slowed down. Everything was. Crystal clear to me, this is what life is about for me. These freeze frame, a moment like this, between the raindrops, moments. They make bonds that will never be broken. These moments are perfect. These are the moments I try to capture in a photograph and I only ever get the moments leading up to it and the moments after. I can never do them justice with words and I can never recreate them. I can't force it to happen everyone involved has to just allow themselves to be in the moment or else it won't happen. The feelings in these moments are like nothing I have words for but I want you to understand. We can't explain it ourselves but we all agree it happened and we felt the same things. Nani describes it as for what felt like forever, even though it was over as soon as it began, the three of us were all alive together. Nothing else existed for a moment. Then everything existed and we felt the world connect to every fiber of our being. All at once it was just us again but we could feel the emotions of an each other’s lifetime. Then it was over and there was just tranquility and understanding. That's the part I remember and feel most when it was over just being there. I asked Jerjer is he felt the same his response was “I was on the couch and Nani was on the floor and you were on the floor but had your feet on the couch. Then all of that happened and all I could do was come down to be with you guys. I need to touch you guys; the connection was pulling us in closer together. I don't even remember moving because I was so overwhelmed with feelings but I think that's how we ended up in the triangle and everything was perfect." we were in a cuddle triangle with my head on my friend's stomach and Nani's head on mine stomach looking up at nothing just existing. Just simply existing.

I know the title seems to have nothing to do with my weekend with my friends but it does. We spent a lot of our down time playing kingdom hearts, the first one if you care to know. Though it is just a minor detail other than experience itself this is what sticks out in my head. Laying on Nani's bed with the boys, there were three other boys with us at one point on Saturday, playing kingdom hearts. So for those of you who care this is why it is titled that, among other reasons.

Daily struggles

Having a major depressive episode when you have all the things to do. Do none of the things!

Dail struggle

Sometimes you just need to let yourself feel the pain.

Skitt: breathing

I have the perfect play list for this. Its three in the morning and most of my suit mates are sleep, 3 out of the 4. The pool is always empty this early. Its unusually bright to be so late. Its kind of strange, but at least I have my pick of beach chairs. Is it crazy that I lay out my towel like some else is going to see it? Put the music on and let's do this. I never really want to go swimming. I don't like getting wet. If I do go swimming I prefer to dive not swim. My least favorite thing to do is butterfly. But its 3 am and I am up. Going on 24 hours of being awake. And I'm at the pool and all my muscles want to swim is butterfly. My body is ready but my minds is like can we not and say we did. I know I need this. More mentally than physically. Its just been so long since I've been in a space like this. But I still remember what it was like, and how much worse the hell that came after it was. The worse part is I would trade the after effects, step three I guess, for the what ever I have been going through for the last two years. All of them are uniquely hellish. Its not the swimming that is bad. Its why I am swimming. If I don't get in if I just say here organizing this playlist then its not real. If I don't get in the water its not happening. But I plug the phone into the speaker and turn it almost all the way up, It is three in the morning. I walk to put on my cap then walk over to the water as I put on my goggles. Stretch a little bit, wait for the beat to drop before I dive in. Before my mind goes blank, I think to myself how nice to would be to be water. Cold and unfeeling yet able to move or resist movement, changing. Lap after lap I swim. Sometimes I swim to the beat of the music a slow steady beat. I feel picturesque swimming with the rhythm. I choose butterfly because it take the most out of me. It requires the most amount of muscle activity. It is supper difficult to do correctly. It sucks the life out of your body quicker than any other stroke. To do it fast is not to breath.  But it looks pretty if I do it right.  When its just me and the water and the music I don't think about anything. It all comes naturally my body does it like it was born to do. so.  I am pushing through everything. I can't breath and I can't possibly do one more stroke. I just want to quit and recover. But I don't stop I keep swimming. I am going to push until I can't anymore. Until it hurts. Until it hurts as much as I do. I swam so hard I could puke. But all that comes out is cry. From the pit of my stomach I let out of this cry of pain and anguish. Its long and loud. Out of breath and wheezing I can carry and hold a note clear as day. I swam till I couldn't move but I climbed out, threw my cap and goggles, fell to my knees and cried. So thirsty but I can't even get a sip in between choking on tears and sobbing. And I can't stop so I hit the floor because there is still more in me. Knuckles bruised and bloodied they match my kneed where I fell. The songs loops and plays again and again but I can't get up to turn it off I am frozen bloody, crying, cold, and hurting.  Laying down defeated by my own feelings, I consider spending the night on the hard pool deck title, I hear a noise through my sobs. Its the door opening slowly, cautiously. One foot step, not two not many. Just a single step, someone is very cautious. I haven't made a sound since I herd the door open I did sit up and wipe my face with my suit.  "Jay" SHIT! I was hoping it wasn't them. I was hoping it was anyone else but them. But now I have 5 seconds to choke down the sadness in my voice and reply. I need to sound okay. "Yeah?" I quickly grab the water bottle. I can drink and by myself some time to think. "You okay" did I not sound okay? "Ummhmm" No I am not fine. I am bloody cold and sad but they can't see that. "I was worried I couldn't find you. You didn't answer your phone, you didn't say you were leaving the hotel, you weren't at the bar.." I couldn't be at the bar. " you don't hook up so I guess you went for a swim but then you didn't come down after an hour so I came to see if you were actually here" I am a competitive distance swimmer. I could swim for hours they know this. But the concern is their voice is damming. I reach for the phone to turn off the music. Its 5 am. " I am so sorry I didn't realize I had been gone that long. I'll be down shortly. I think I'll skip the morning swim" I try to chuckle to make it seem like I am okay. To give the illusion that it is not what it looks like. I only turned to look at them to say sorry before turning right back around. But there was no way I could adjust and turn and they not see. Before I can stand they are running over. Why is my dam towel so far away. I had to make it pretty. " Jay what happened" even though I knew this question was coming I still don't know how to answer it. A fall would explain one knee but not both. Nothing I know of would explain my my hands are bloody. How to lie with out lying?  " its just scrapes its not as bad as it looks relax. If you could get my towel though" I can't lie if I don't answer the question. I hurt more than I could ever be in some kind of physical pain. " really cause your dripping blood" I have been bleeding for like 10mins if it was serious I would be dead. Plus no one bleeds to death from a scraped knee. Lamest way to die ever " I'll deal with it when I get back to the room" please don't ask me any more questions. Just let me be distant. " I am glad I found you, what brought you up here" so much. I was trying not to be up here and yet. I was trying not to come at all but you see how things turned out. I knew once I landed is Denver I would end up here. " would you believe if I said I was in love? Haha. sometime I just need to feel the water surround me. " just hand me my towel and don't look at me like that. their face is full of concern, disbelief, confusion, and a hit of wonder. I am in love and sometimes I do need to feel..., this is not one of those times. As soon as I get down stairs I am going to causally find my Ms Contin (morphine) and take 3 with a swig of Captain. " Are you sure your okay? Let me help you" If I pull away as fast as I can would they be offended? I don't want to be touched. I really don't want to move or sleep. I want to stay right here with the water and the music. I just need to swim. "Yeah I am fine. Can you take my stuff to the other end I want to do one more length" I don't even wait for a response cuz I know they will try to talk me out of it. I limp over to the side of the pool. I think my right knee is dam near shattered and doing much worst than the left. It will barely hold weight. I look like a horse stubborn and determined to run but has gone lame in one leg. Its sad really. " Sure I'll meet you at the other end." No cap. No goggles. No music. Just me and the water. But I can hear the song in my head would you believe me if I said I'm in love... My body is more than ready to dive into the water. It know what it is going to do and ignoring all pain it executes one of the prettiest start dives I've ever done. I play my first second in the water over and over. Because for a moment I felt nothing. I am going to swim until I can't feel and then keep swimming.

Daily struggles

I can't go to the LGBT film fest that starts tonight.

Skitt: misbehaving mistress

In a perfect world my mistresses would all get a long. In an ideal world even if my mistresses didn't get along with each other it wouldn't effect my relationship with them. But this is the real world, and when they fight it eventually makes it way to me. They want me to pick sides, or my support. I won't give it. I don't give a F*** about what they said about you or what they did cuz most of the time they brought it upon themselves and both of them are half right and very wrong. I will love you to piece and support you in every way I can but I will not choose between the two of my mistresses. Don't ask me to do it. It will not end well. Cuz I may love you till the dawn of a new time but I have a hierarchy for a reason. If there is not clear right person and the lower person is like its me or them then I'm not sorry, you can go. Your replaceable.  You might be one in a million but I'll have met a million new people by next week. The current fight is between mistress number one and mistress #5. They are both half right. Number one has a bad temper and hates almost everyone so he is always mad. Number five,  stripper, did mess up and I am mad at him but he didn't mess up enough to be kicked out. If number one was like he has to go. I would just slap him and say shut up you can settle your dispute with him however you want but he stays. They normally don't get to settle thing their way. Cuz if it got all the way to me and is disrupting my life, I am going to treat them like the children they are. But because Pool boy is number one, higher the totem pole than 5, I will let him decide how to handle it to appease him ( cuz he is more right than stripper, #5, but their both equally wrong). Just don't kill him, cripple him, or cause any permanent damage. If Stripper was like pool boy has to go I would be like you started it and I am not picking side so he is staying. If stripper insisted I would be like don't push me cuz I could kick you out just as easy. Think about how you want this to proceed and get back to me, I like you so hope you make the logical decision. I like both dudes and I hope they are able to end this with out me losing one of my long time friends or worse me having to slap a bitch.

Daily struggles

When you're in the middle of 3 legitimate post and all you want to do is wine. Pass the cheese please

Skit: chicken or the egg part 2

Are we born this way or is it a choice. I Believe I talked about it earlier when I just started blogging in a post called the chicken or the egg. I would like to revisit this topic now that I'm older, wiser, gayer (lol), and in light of the video that went viral when a teen came out to his family and was physically rejected. In response to that lots of youtubers have asked their viewer if they could choose would they choose to be gay or straight. That is such a load question, it doesn't seem like it. I mean it saying choose hetero or homo. As much as homosexuality isn't a life style, it is a culture and for those who choose to it be part of that culture it changes so much. If I was straight, I would worry about my financial future, if my mother found out I was gay I'd be cut off. I wouldn't worry about when and where I can where my rainbow bands. I couldn't be fired for my sexuality. I wouldn't know the first hand the blind hatred for something people don't understand. I wouldn't have missed years of church. Yes I am a religious Homo. I wouldn't be free to explore, understand, and challenge gender. I would know exactly which gender I was going to marry, and that I'd be in some sort of dress. I wouldn't have to worry about being out in public with my partner. Bringing someone home to meet the family would be difficult but not as much. I could donate blood. But if I was straight, I wouldn't know the undying resilience that is the human spirit. I wouldn't know the happiness and joy the Queer community has brought me. I wouldn't have these beautiful chosen families. I wouldn't know or understand how complex sexuality is. I wouldn't understand the fluidity of a person, and how evolution is a constant personal process. All of the terms and proper usage of words would be completely foreign to me. I wouldn't have this extreme sensitivity to language, tone, and expression. I would not have the ride or die friends I have now. I wouldn't have had the opportunities I have had: conferences, I know senators and governors, I've been on state boards, leadership opportunities, Travel, I've met movie stars, I got back stage pass to a concert cuz my now friend didn't believe I was old enough to be gay. I've had once in a lifetime opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I wasn't queer.  I don't know its a really hard question. If I could choose unconditional love, joy, and pure happiness like no other but being treated less than human, knowing the first hand the evil that lives with us, pure hate, violence, and fear or being "normal" never worrying my love would taken from me and never being persecuted for being myself but not knowing how truly beautiful humanity and the human spirit is and really not understanding love.  I would choose to be gay and do it all over again. I know that it gets so bad sometimes people want to take their own life. I know sometimes they are killed just because they are queer. I would face death and all of that pain just to have a fraction of they happiness I've known. Just like when I talked about it the first time I choose to be happy. Maybe when I started out (before I started writing) I would have chosen to be straight but I've known I was queer for 7 years now. Its not always rainbows and sunshine but my God is it beautiful after the storm.

Skittles: Hanging on and letting go

You know that moment where everything is in slow motion in movies. You can see every instant before the crash, every tear she cried on her way down, drop of blood being bled. There is an odd feeling of serenity about the whole thing. The cliche the quite before the storm, its a lie. From the outside there is a peace about the impending doom. But inside even as I seem to move in slow motion, every moment is a lifetime and it is still not enough. It is still too fast. My mind races so fast I struggle to keep up with it. I can feel myself gasping for air knowing that's its too late. In a short life time they will be filled with water. Every fabric in my being tenses in anticipation of the coming moments. Every tear she cried, all the blood shed. How did it get to this? How did I end up here? All I can think about is the past since I have the rare opportunity of knowing what my future holds. A year ago our place were reversed. Six month ago I got her to put the knife down and walk away. It takes so much to feel that much anger, the sadness and the pain and be able to still be able to put the knife down. To spare a life. Then never to go back to that lifestyle, to say this isn't me anymore. I was with her. To help her forgive. To learn to deal with the feeling. Every fucking tear she cried I was there to wipe it. Make her feel whole again. I was her rock. All the while I saw secretly bleeding. Crying out in the middle of the night so loud no one could hear me. I remember every drop like it was yesterday. So much shed I could fill this pool. I use to look over this pool and picture what it would be like to just let go and fall one day. I drawn so many pictures of it. The water so dark and calm it seems to draw in anyone who looks at it. The burning lilies on surface, living a wild fleeting life. The passions of the fire soon consume their beauty only leaving smoke and the lingering scent of something wonderful gone too soon. Just like in the movies. Every moment is a life time but it still isn't enough time. Its strangely relaxing to think about how there wasn't enough time for me, and yet there is so much of it. There will always be more time until there isn't any more. That last second is gone so fast. I hit the water. I can see the burning lilies under water and is even more beautiful down here than it is above. Truly a sight to die for.  In my all white, I've stopped time, I've dried tears, I've stop the blood from spilling. I hope they understand. And forgive me for what I've done, I wish it didn't hurt. I didn't do it to hurt them I just couldn't hang on any longer. In my all white I let go and it was beautiful

Skit: for the love of Football

Ray Ric was cut from Baltimore and suspended from the NFL today for knocking his fiancé out in an elevator in February. I don't want to debate whether or not the NFL knew about the tape or if they seem to switch songs now that this tape has come to the masses, that is not the point. He was fired for punching his fiancé's lights out. The lady married him a couple months later. My question is does he deserved to be punished if the victim obviously doesn't care. She didn't prosecute, she dropped the charges. She lied to cover it up. She married him. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want justice. She doesn't feel that a crime has been committed, no wrong to right. So should we stuff out like this to defend someone who doesn't want to be defended. If it was different if she wanted to sue or even say he needed help, then maybe. But this video should have been release and then it should have been Mrs. And Mr. Rice up there talking about how they have worked on this issue through counseling and how they are continuing to work on this issue now that they are married. How she loves her husband and how they are doing better than ever now. I think he should have been suspended but not cut is she isn't even going to speak out against him. I like that we are taking a stand against domestic violence though. I feel we have been very wishy washy about women's rights this year. The stand that NFL took not only on the behalf of Mrs. Rice, who didn't want it (but hey its the thought that count), but on how they deal with domestic violence is admirable. I believe that they set a precedence, companies follow the lead of others. I am interested to see what that means for the future, for the every day man out there who beats his wife.

Skitt: I want to be over it

I don't think I'm allowed to be pissed if a friend cancels plans and ask for some me time. I know your not allowed to be angry if your significant other cancel and opps for me time. You can be worried but not angry. So given that, I am wrong for being pissed that a friend who I love for canceling my trip cuz they want to be alone. But its their birthday!... And I should respect their wish because its their birthday. I know. But who doesn't get laid on their birthday. That's what they are for, to make sure after like 21 you at least get laid once a year until 33. And if I am not mistaken sex is a game with a minimum of two people. So they won't be alone!!!!! If I all do is get of the plane hug them, give them their gift, and go home I would be satisfied.  I can't even do that. They don't want to see me. So I am bitter. I am trying not to be bitter because that never ends well with me. I am considering not going to the Gala later in the year but then I wouldn't see them until February. That's to long. I need something that's pacifies my anger and satisfies my need see them. This is why I don't like people or go on dates, because I fall and they don't. Gravity sucks. It would be fine if I could love in space and either instantly die due to lack of satisfactory environmental conditions, or float around weightlessly, so when you fall you don't really get hurt. I just want to be with them, why is that so wrong? And I was going to do it this time. I was going to celebrate their birthday with them Friday night and most of Saturday. Then Saturday night tell them I like them, if this went really really well I'd stay till Sunday night/ Monday morning, if not I'd leave Saturday night/Sunday morning. Things don't have to go bad for me to leave, anything short of really really well would make me panic and leave. I finally figure out what I wanted to say kinda, I figured out the important parts. I don't know single person like you and I love our friendship because it unique for me to find a person I can relate to so well. But I have feelings for you and its harder for me to be your friend as we get closer. I'm not intentionally drawing away from you I'm just trying not to fall for my friend. Then we talk and I either stay or let them know I will be leaving tomorrow morning for what ever reason. But I am not going and I was finally able to muster up enough courage/booze (just in case I loose my courage) to tell them this carefully thought out " I like you". I also wanted to go cuz there is a lot of stuff going on in their life right now. I wanted to be there to be there for them. I can tell there is so much more going on then they are telling me. They aren't not telling me on purpose, its more telling me the truth would require them to be truthful with them self first, which is not something we as humans are necessarily willing to do all the time. They don't have to tell me though because I already know, I can feel them from miles away. And it makes my heart hurt because they are hurting. Is it so wrong for me to want to comfort my friend on their birthday. For me to feel pushed out by the person I love. I may not be warranted in my anger, but the pain and concern I feel is true.

Daily struggles

"You get hit on a lot to be so painfully single".... thanks

Daily struggles

Hot Queer directors

Daily struggle

Passive aggressively singing in the shower

Skittles: If Poe had a Chandelier...

Is it the social butterflies that end up like this? I thought we were suppose to OD on the high of our lives. Every week, every night, its a party with me. People want me to come out or come with me. Don't feel just dance. Let the music move you, let the alcohol flow in your veins. We aren't living for tomorrow, a day that never comes. Party like the sun is never going to rise again. Then walk home home in the warm after glow know you live yo see another night. And the sun beat you home. Don't know the meaning of rise and shine. Sleep all day, shower, eat, party, repeat. Living dangerously or stupidly, its a fine line that became too blurry to make out 3 drinks ago. Flirting with line, hoping the world makes the choice for you. Part of you is too smart to let go. Its still here, fighting for every breath, landing every step. It won't let you give up. Its that last little shred hanging on by moment. Its living for something you have long forgotten. But it remembers and it knows. Some part of you knows and it makes you sick to your stomach, every waking moment not spent pushing it down. You can run but when you pause to gasp for air all you get is a lungs full of smog and poison. Can't even see the person you use to be in the mirror anymore. It might be the dirt and the grime or the shroud of shame. Everything in left in your wake show the remnants of a good time. The mess of the dysfunction is to much to bare and the future has no light at the end of tunnel. Living for the moment, drinking for the moment, dancing for the moment. you look up at the lights so peaceful yet full of life and you want that. You want to be there. There is no tomorrow, and we can't bare the pain of yesterday. There is just now and those lights. Swing from the Chandelier, and live like never before. Ride the lights and feel the life in you. Climb, climb, climb. Don't look down, don't look back, there is nothing for you there. Fly free, cry out, and release it all to the night. Let the raven take you home tonight, swing from the chandelier. Exhale, Inhale, and a hard swallow. One more night. Not tonight. Pour me another. The room is spinning and its hard to tell if your losing or winning but I haven't lost yet. Its Hanging on for the moment so, fill my glass and pray tomorrow never comes.

Daily struggles

When blogger deletes your post was that was at least a page :( I am not writing it over.

Skittles: Animals.

I can run away from you. I cut you out of my life and left. I moved on and you say you did the same. But if that's true why are we here? Why can't we walk away? Are we drawn together? Or is is Instinct?  Your an addiction I can't seem to shake. Or is a nature I can't suppress? All the fight all the running, you've stripped me down, trying to get away from you. Run free. Let your spirit fly we both know where that leads. We'll keep starting over. There has to be more fish in the sea. But I seem to only have a taste for you. I can still hear you. The ghost of your voice echoes out from every part of my life. You haunt my dreams. Even when we are miles a part I can feel you. I close my eyes and I I can see and electric pulsing path that leads me back to you. It wines, twist, and turns, no matter the distances I am racing back to you. Its primal, like a wolf running in the forest, I can feel the wind rushing past my face. The dirt under my feet, the sweat dripping down my face. So close now I can smell you and it drives me wild. We don't even talk anymore, but I can't stay away. We can fuss and fight but we'll still be here. Because you'll never find anyone quite like me and there is only one of you. There is no where on this earth we can hide. The drive to hunt is carnal. We are just like animals.

Skit: being depressed and in love, a review

I read an article about what its like for someone to be depressed and in love. I actually read a lot if articles on the subject.  One thing I find that come up a lot is the irrational fear that their depression is one day going to push their partner of 5 years, 8 years, or 10 plus years away. I know its not rational, and to ask them to feel rationally about it is unfair. I just don't know what to say to that. They have been with you this long through the ugliest of times why would they leave now? But that's a rational thought. I am thankful my depression isn't like that. In the relationship I am completely confident and secure. Why would they leave me I'm awesome? I don't have fits of  crying. I don't really cry at all. I should probably cry more. But in my readings depressed people cry for no reason or reasons that don't make sense to them. My depression isn't like that at all. They also have times where they and their partner made plans in advance and when the time comes to carry out those plans its on one of their bad days. So they don't do whatever they were suppose to effectively canceling. I don't cancel unless I'm sick and dying or it wasn't that important. I pull it together. Someone is counting on me. I might be late but I'll be there.  My depression doesn't really affect my relationships outside my irritability. I have mood swings, but I try not to take my feelings out on the other person. It's not their fault and normally the reason for whatever I am feeling is irrational anyway. That, however, leads to feelings of distance, because I'm constantly pulling away. Unless my partner is really empathic they wouldn't know what I was feeling and I wouldn't tell them.  Most of the people I like are empathic and can sense my emotions. They already know and understand and that helps a lot because normally don't feel like talking about it. I don't want the entire relationship to be about the fact that I am depressed. I am depressed and I love and for the most part no one would know unless I told them. I act just like everyone else, but the love does effect my depression. I get so high of of the feeling of being in love that it basically cures me. Everything seems easier, lighter, and more like the way my life use to be. Eventually it just goes away. Depression is strange and is different for everyone. However it does seem like there is kind of a norm out there of what depression looks like and it is not the same as the common stereotype. Love is kinda similar hopefully not in a debilitating way and its strange and different for everyone. I would hope that people out there who read articles like this and the ones I've come across realizes this. You have your own depression so how you love or will be loved might be different. That is completely okay. We don't here its okay to be different enough so let me say it if your depression love isn't like mine but it works for you then your still doing it right.

Stay fierce

J Skittles

Daily struggles

Not being a pole dancer when I am wait at the bus stop and my favorite song comes on.

Daily struggles

Don't know whether to call it a science experiment or insanity. If its an experiment it sure is hell isn't ethical. But I would rather be unethical than crazy.

Skitt: until the river refuse to run, I love with a thousand suns

"You hold your heart while your sleeping." I guess there are worse ways to start off a conversation. "You startled me." "I seem to startle you every time I wake you up. And you hold your heart while you're asleep." But I can't think of a better way to start off my mornings. Secretly, I love waking up to their face in the morning. It might be what I live for, those 8 days out if the year where I get to wake up to them. Those rare days where I wake in their place and everything smells like them. It feels like them. There might be one day out of a year when we fall asleep together. They fall asleep first. My mind rushing with thoughts, worrying about every little thing in the silence of the night. I swear sometimes I think they can hear me thinking, which only makes me worry more. This goddess that exudes confidence is often too self conscious to sleep. So I fall asleep first most nights, while they are still out. Then when they come in it wakes me up and I often don't sleep the rest of the night. I am usually up first. I go for a swim most mornings to burn off all my nervous energy. Bring them breakfast while they're still asleep. My soft music and the sound of running water wakes them up. I am normally and ready to start my day by the time they're done eating. But once every blue moon I sleep, and they wake me up. I think they watch me sleep. Not that I mind, but I can see it. They roll over and just look at me for a minuet or two before waking me. What on earth they could be thinking while doing this is beyond me. But apparently they find sleeping me intriguing, "you hold your heart, with both hands, while sleeping." "it hurts. So I hold it, like a child holding a cut finger." Its true. I find that the world I live in is bitter sweet. Giving me just enough to want more, and a little more to get me hooked, but never enough to satisfy. My dreams are more like beautiful nightmares. A fantasy land so real, giving me exactly what I want. Only to wake and find none of it was real. Sucker punched night after night. Dreams so salty and sour are truly the cruelest tricks. "oh, I'm sorry. Someone broke it?" If only it was that easy. Broken piece can be mended in time. The process of mending takes just as long as healing and learning from each broken piece.  This is more like slow torture. Making superficial wounds and picking at them every day. Never allowing them to heal. They fester and grow. Salting them every so often so its never too bad. Just very painful. "no, both hands are there to protect my heart." "if no one broke it and you protect it, why does your heart hurt" no matter what I do I can't help falling in love. I choose to believe there are somethings you just can't control. Matters of the heart are one of those things. Why does it love who it loves? Why doesn't it love what's good for it? Why don't we ever agree with it? Why does the grinning bobcat grin? I love with a passion so fierce it hurts. " why is a moth drawn to a flame" they look at me and kiss my nose. I blush of course, hiding my face from them under the covers. I come out to them softly chuckling at me. I kiss them and start me day. Humming and floating about just as I do every morning with them. I am never so happy as I am these few days I spend with them. I softly sing to myself as I start the shower. Just as the water hits my face I wake up heart in hand.