I am not going to do my year in review like last time where I broke down my life into three different aspects. Not much happened this year despite the up tick in writing. I feel like this year was rather regressive in terms of women's rights. Or maybe we never made as much progress as we thought on that front and that was only brought to light with all the rapes, murders, and court cases. Gender seemed to be all over the news with Janet Mock and Lavern Cox taking the world by storm. I am so happy that the face of the Trans* movement this year was two strong black women. The majority of my inner city trans* community is QPOC and I think its important for them to have real role models. People who know what its like and have made it. They know what it is like not to have health insurance, to be harassed by the police, or to be confused for a sex worker. I've had the esteemed privilege of meeting these people. They remind me of my fairy godmother and they are in fact friends. They inspire me to be as strong as they are and remind me not to give up. Even in my darker hours It helps to know that I have people who support me. Its no secret I have been struggling with mental health for the pass two years. My depression in 2014 got worse for a number of reason. I stopped taking my meds, stopped getting help, and really stopped talking about it. However, I know that's not the way. I can't quit because I have people looking up to me, depending on me to get things done. I have to stay strong if not for myself, for others. I worked on setting up a support group at my old school for all of the leaders in the community who struggle the same way I do. I work on being support for my best friend and leaning on him too. I learned that for most things in this life you can not go it alone. You need help, support and to trust someone else. That is terrifying to me. I don't want to need help. I don't want to have to trust someone to get help. So as you can see I didn't get any better at trusting this year. I am still very reserved in my own mind. I know that how I come off and how I see myself are two very different people. I haven't decide if that is a bad thing because the J-skittles everyone else sees is a bad ass. But its lonely living a double life. This year has felt very lonely despite all the new friends, places and faces. I have had a craving to be understood. I have wanted someone to get to know me but unable to make that happen with my fear of letting people in. I have realized I have a lot of work to do when it comes to connecting and building new intimate relationships (intimate not necessarily meaning physical). But that just swings back to the whole trust subject. I find it is getting harder to trust the fellow man. There was so much hate this year. Every couple of weeks some young black person was being killed by the police the very people I am suppose to be able to trust to come to my aid if needed. It proved that we still have race issues. That some of us can't be trust because of the color of our skin. Tell me how am I suppose to trust someone when I can't trust "white people" cuz my parents say they are out to kill me. "Asian" people cuz they are out to take my education. "Latin@" people are out to take my job. "Black" people are out to kill me. Who does that leave for me to trust? With that said in every period of tragedy that befell us this year I saw a people rally up if favor of hope and support, unwilling to let hate win. That let's me know that we aren't doomed as a species yet. I have had my own personal moments along those similar lines. Having gone down a completely different path than I thought I would be on life has gone a lot better than I could have even hoped for. I defiantly anticipated more resistants from my parents about me leaving University for a local school. I expected support from my siblings and in fact it was quite the opposite. My siblings, particularly my little brother, had a rather strong negative reaction. None of them really understood my troubles for the first couple of months I was home. But they asked me over thanksgiving break to make them understand. I told them I feel like Sia's chandelier. No matter how you take the lyrics, metaphorical or literal, that is how I feel every day. They seemed to get that. They understand that I am just trying to make it through and that I have rebuilt my one brick at a time. I learned this year I will never make it back to who I was. I want to, more than anything, wake up the same person I was August 2012. But that person is dead and this person, this J-Skittles, is not. So I have to figure out who I am now and work with that. I can't go back, burn to many bridges. One I wish I hadn't. This pass year really cemented the relationship I would have with Gordic for years to come. I still check in on him cuz I care but we really don't talk unless we have to, which is usually never. I wish that was different and as far as next year goes I am going to try. I am so tired of being bitter and angry. I want to move past it but I don't know if he will forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me but like I said I'm bitter and angry. I have learned that I don't forgive myself as easily as I do everyone else and that jealousy can make me do crazy things. But crazy is good sometimes. Many unexpected things happened this year and you just have to go with it sometimes. Stop fight the current and go with it. But I've never been good with letting go of control. Its all a learning processes. That would probably be my huge take away this year let go, open your mind and learn. I have tried to thinking deeper this year. I can't say I really succeed but I am not going to give up. Trying to improve is noble quest that I think all of humanity is dedicated to, why shouldn't I try my hand at it. I think my resolutions for this coming year will reflect that when I pick so resolution. Maybe I will stop procrastinating and pick some before new years this year. Wish me luck
Stay fierce
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