I have the perfect play list for this. Its three in the morning and most of my suit mates are sleep, 3 out of the 4. The pool is always empty this early. Its unusually bright to be so late. Its kind of strange, but at least I have my pick of beach chairs. Is it crazy that I lay out my towel like some else is going to see it? Put the music on and let's do this. I never really want to go swimming. I don't like getting wet. If I do go swimming I prefer to dive not swim. My least favorite thing to do is butterfly. But its 3 am and I am up. Going on 24 hours of being awake. And I'm at the pool and all my muscles want to swim is butterfly. My body is ready but my minds is like can we not and say we did. I know I need this. More mentally than physically. Its just been so long since I've been in a space like this. But I still remember what it was like, and how much worse the hell that came after it was. The worse part is I would trade the after effects, step three I guess, for the what ever I have been going through for the last two years. All of them are uniquely hellish. Its not the swimming that is bad. Its why I am swimming. If I don't get in if I just say here organizing this playlist then its not real. If I don't get in the water its not happening. But I plug the phone into the speaker and turn it almost all the way up, It is three in the morning. I walk to put on my cap then walk over to the water as I put on my goggles. Stretch a little bit, wait for the beat to drop before I dive in. Before my mind goes blank, I think to myself how nice to would be to be water. Cold and unfeeling yet able to move or resist movement, changing. Lap after lap I swim. Sometimes I swim to the beat of the music a slow steady beat. I feel picturesque swimming with the rhythm. I choose butterfly because it take the most out of me. It requires the most amount of muscle activity. It is supper difficult to do correctly. It sucks the life out of your body quicker than any other stroke. To do it fast is not to breath. But it looks pretty if I do it right. When its just me and the water and the music I don't think about anything. It all comes naturally my body does it like it was born to do. so. I am pushing through everything. I can't breath and I can't possibly do one more stroke. I just want to quit and recover. But I don't stop I keep swimming. I am going to push until I can't anymore. Until it hurts. Until it hurts as much as I do. I swam so hard I could puke. But all that comes out is cry. From the pit of my stomach I let out of this cry of pain and anguish. Its long and loud. Out of breath and wheezing I can carry and hold a note clear as day. I swam till I couldn't move but I climbed out, threw my cap and goggles, fell to my knees and cried. So thirsty but I can't even get a sip in between choking on tears and sobbing. And I can't stop so I hit the floor because there is still more in me. Knuckles bruised and bloodied they match my kneed where I fell. The songs loops and plays again and again but I can't get up to turn it off I am frozen bloody, crying, cold, and hurting. Laying down defeated by my own feelings, I consider spending the night on the hard pool deck title, I hear a noise through my sobs. Its the door opening slowly, cautiously. One foot step, not two not many. Just a single step, someone is very cautious. I haven't made a sound since I herd the door open I did sit up and wipe my face with my suit. "Jay" SHIT! I was hoping it wasn't them. I was hoping it was anyone else but them. But now I have 5 seconds to choke down the sadness in my voice and reply. I need to sound okay. "Yeah?" I quickly grab the water bottle. I can drink and by myself some time to think. "You okay" did I not sound okay? "Ummhmm" No I am not fine. I am bloody cold and sad but they can't see that. "I was worried I couldn't find you. You didn't answer your phone, you didn't say you were leaving the hotel, you weren't at the bar.." I couldn't be at the bar. " you don't hook up so I guess you went for a swim but then you didn't come down after an hour so I came to see if you were actually here" I am a competitive distance swimmer. I could swim for hours they know this. But the concern is their voice is damming. I reach for the phone to turn off the music. Its 5 am. " I am so sorry I didn't realize I had been gone that long. I'll be down shortly. I think I'll skip the morning swim" I try to chuckle to make it seem like I am okay. To give the illusion that it is not what it looks like. I only turned to look at them to say sorry before turning right back around. But there was no way I could adjust and turn and they not see. Before I can stand they are running over. Why is my dam towel so far away. I had to make it pretty. " Jay what happened" even though I knew this question was coming I still don't know how to answer it. A fall would explain one knee but not both. Nothing I know of would explain my my hands are bloody. How to lie with out lying? " its just scrapes its not as bad as it looks relax. If you could get my towel though" I can't lie if I don't answer the question. I hurt more than I could ever be in some kind of physical pain. " really cause your dripping blood" I have been bleeding for like 10mins if it was serious I would be dead. Plus no one bleeds to death from a scraped knee. Lamest way to die ever " I'll deal with it when I get back to the room" please don't ask me any more questions. Just let me be distant. " I am glad I found you, what brought you up here" so much. I was trying not to be up here and yet. I was trying not to come at all but you see how things turned out. I knew once I landed is Denver I would end up here. " would you believe if I said I was in love? Haha. sometime I just need to feel the water surround me. " just hand me my towel and don't look at me like that. their face is full of concern, disbelief, confusion, and a hit of wonder. I am in love and sometimes I do need to feel..., this is not one of those times. As soon as I get down stairs I am going to causally find my Ms Contin (morphine) and take 3 with a swig of Captain. " Are you sure your okay? Let me help you" If I pull away as fast as I can would they be offended? I don't want to be touched. I really don't want to move or sleep. I want to stay right here with the water and the music. I just need to swim. "Yeah I am fine. Can you take my stuff to the other end I want to do one more length" I don't even wait for a response cuz I know they will try to talk me out of it. I limp over to the side of the pool. I think my right knee is dam near shattered and doing much worst than the left. It will barely hold weight. I look like a horse stubborn and determined to run but has gone lame in one leg. Its sad really. " Sure I'll meet you at the other end." No cap. No goggles. No music. Just me and the water. But I can hear the song in my head would you believe me if I said I'm in love... My body is more than ready to dive into the water. It know what it is going to do and ignoring all pain it executes one of the prettiest start dives I've ever done. I play my first second in the water over and over. Because for a moment I felt nothing. I am going to swim until I can't feel and then keep swimming.
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