skitt:Kingdom hearts for the heartless

Many times I have tried to capture the bliss in words. Tried to explain why a simple situation is more than the sum of its parts. This past weekend is no different. I can say I hadn't seen my friend in weeks and that's what made my weekend special. But it isn't something so simple and shallow. I hadn't seen my friends in months. The last time I saw Jerjer was in July. I missed my freshmen, who are now sophomores, President Ray, Lexi, and Gaysha. I miss the casual drinking and being able to walk to my friend’s house. I miss being involved in their life. I traveled back to my old school this weekend. Unannounced, I planned to spend most of the weekend with my best friend and not have a lot of people trying to see me. I only told a few people because I wanted to see a few people. However, I reluctantly accompanied my friend to the resource center, basically my second home; it was anything but low profile. My friend was like it will be fine you’re not as popular as you think you are. Our technical support person was so overjoyed to see me she completely ignored my friend. Mind you we both went to this school and often visited this center. I have never been so aggressively hugged by a straight woman. I was warmly revived by all the people who still love and care about me, miss me terribly, and feel like there is a hole where I use to be. I saw my good Friend Jerjer and his roommate Naninani, who I adore. I wasn't going to get to spend time with them because Jerjer rooms with Gordic.  Gordic and I have a more than rocky relationship. I respect him and his space and privacy. I have always said the home is where the heart is, and we make a big fuss about staying out of each other home.  I don't want to violate that, because unfortunately I still care about how he feels. It's really important to me not to cross this line and destroy whatever it is, because I fought hard for him not to even know where I lived. I don't want to disrespect him by invading a space that's free of me. It wouldn't feel the same any more. But any who, he wasn't there so I got the rare opportunity to go stay the weekend at Jerjer's place. It was truly a weekend all about me where I got to think only of myself. I got to expatriate my Jerjer's pumpkin spice infatuation. Nicknamed the apartment the basic apartment, like I woke up like this... Average! I was in a space with my good friend who lets me be me without judgment. But there was this new person Naninani who doesn't know me and who I do not know. Our friendship was very shallow due to the lack of time we had spent together. But Jer and Nani had lived together for at least a month now were closer than close. So as much as I adore Nani I didn't know how to act or feel and it lead to me being very up tight the first night. So I kinda felt that I was always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and that Nani hated me. And as much as this weekend was about me I am very loving giving person and I just gave to them all weekend. I made or bought every meal that they ate those two days. And I listen and tried to relax. I think Nani could kinda see my caution by Saturday and welcomed me to let go. And I did a little bit at the end. It leads to what was so magical about the weekend. When we were all just on the floor (you know when you’re so messed up you just need to lay down) listening to Whitney Houston, connecting with the music and each other it was surreal. I look at Nani and said “This was better than anything I could have ever hoped for". I didn't go out partying and I didn't get wasted, I did nothing noteworthy to talk about in my 20 something year old circle but I will never forget that weekend. I will never forget how I felt just to be with them. It makes my body tingle to think about it. When I took a step back, while I was just laying, there to realize how profound that moment was its like everything slowed down. Everything was. Crystal clear to me, this is what life is about for me. These freeze frame, a moment like this, between the raindrops, moments. They make bonds that will never be broken. These moments are perfect. These are the moments I try to capture in a photograph and I only ever get the moments leading up to it and the moments after. I can never do them justice with words and I can never recreate them. I can't force it to happen everyone involved has to just allow themselves to be in the moment or else it won't happen. The feelings in these moments are like nothing I have words for but I want you to understand. We can't explain it ourselves but we all agree it happened and we felt the same things. Nani describes it as for what felt like forever, even though it was over as soon as it began, the three of us were all alive together. Nothing else existed for a moment. Then everything existed and we felt the world connect to every fiber of our being. All at once it was just us again but we could feel the emotions of an each other’s lifetime. Then it was over and there was just tranquility and understanding. That's the part I remember and feel most when it was over just being there. I asked Jerjer is he felt the same his response was “I was on the couch and Nani was on the floor and you were on the floor but had your feet on the couch. Then all of that happened and all I could do was come down to be with you guys. I need to touch you guys; the connection was pulling us in closer together. I don't even remember moving because I was so overwhelmed with feelings but I think that's how we ended up in the triangle and everything was perfect." we were in a cuddle triangle with my head on my friend's stomach and Nani's head on mine stomach looking up at nothing just existing. Just simply existing.

I know the title seems to have nothing to do with my weekend with my friends but it does. We spent a lot of our down time playing kingdom hearts, the first one if you care to know. Though it is just a minor detail other than experience itself this is what sticks out in my head. Laying on Nani's bed with the boys, there were three other boys with us at one point on Saturday, playing kingdom hearts. So for those of you who care this is why it is titled that, among other reasons.