The rainbow loves back

When I love like every love song and I am so high its been weeks since my feet touched the ground. I'm in denial about the fact that I'm flying and the letters that make up your name when pronounced correctly is the sweetest sound.  Half way gone and already delusional you think I wouldn't have to lie.  But the way you look at me, seeing right pass my defenses is petrifying. I know if my umbrella had holes in it I wouldn't keep it up. But just because you can get pass my guard doesn't mean I am going to let it down. In fact I feel like I need it more whenever you're around. I can't bring myself to just let you in. Which is why I think its best to remain friends. It doesn't mean I didn't like you or that I like you any less. I just need time and patience.  I promise you I'm worth it. Please don't get discouraged. I let you in a little at a time. Every time you here me sing and sing along or laugh I feel more at ease. Every time you catch me dancing and you tease. Every time I tell you how I feel and you accept that I grow a little more comfortable. I give you a little more rope, stand back, and see if you will hang yourself. Everything is a test and at any moment you could fail. But your human so I understand we have failings. I, for one, am far from perfect so I want you to like me not for my short comings or my success but in how I arrived at them; and I will judge you the same way. I am more interested in how you fail and deal with the failure then what you failed at. (unless it is a failure to acknowledge the hetro white classis cisgender christian patriarchy  system of oppression) I don't want to stop at knowing how you think I want to understand the thought process. I want your syntax to feel more familiar than my favorite pair of jeans. I want to be able to match your gate with your emotions. I want to for fill and surpass your expectations when it comes to being able to make you feel better. But I suck at comforting others, I can't even comfort myself, but I will try. I want you to know that I feel your feelings. You know I try to be distant and cold when really I am warm feeling. I am always scared of hurting and so socially awkward it hurts. I don't know what I'm doing, just making it up. But that is hard for me not knowing every move. I would like a plan, a guide that details every step. The control issues at very real but please don't go. I'm not a ruthless dictator I promise and yes I know that is what they all say. The unknown is scary and I like to know what's coming. That's why you are scary because I didn't see you coming. I don't like surprises but I'll surprise you.