12/31/17

Skittles: well we made it

Content warning:
Suicide ideation

This year as the years before it was dominated by my obsession with love. Trying to meet my insatiable need to be loved and fill some sort of void inside of me. I broke up with Amoriartii, for good I think. I'm indecisive, self-destructive, and constantly back tracking when it comes to them. We will see what happens in this coming year but I'm hopeful that is over. My play partner, who I have definite feelings for, is moving into a romantic relationship with someone else. I have all sorts of feelings about this. I'm not even going to lie and say I'm going to try to handle this in a heathly responsible manner. So stay tuned for that drama. Also I'm looking forward to being in a poly relationship with Latka and Vendetta. I need to work on communicating, managing my exspections, and balancing my needs in a way that don't overload either of them. So far neither of them text back enough. I'm almost satisfied except it's the season of me being needy. Until summer, when I become busy with travel and partying, I will be banging my head against the wall. I will also be considering using NSA/CIA tech to spy on them/get them to answer me.

I started this year with a I'm going to do me type attitude. Thanks to seasonal depression around September it morphed into I don't care about anything that's not going to further my agenda attitude. I got a lot more aggressive as I've been using all of my patience on Vendetta. I have taken charge in a cut straight to the point regardless of other people's feelings type way. I'm usually a bit more emotionally conscious and thus more manipulative. However, brute-force has been my go to method for a while now. My friends that annoy me with thier anxiety I've secretly drugged with anti-anxiety meds. I know it's wrong but it makes them chill, keeps me from murdering them, and makes them easier to deal with for me. None of this is an excuse and I know it's all bad but I admit that I do not care. For my friends that need to get out there more and are always bothering me about the lack of sex in their lives I've blatantly intoxicated them to lower their inhibitions. Then help them pick a person to hook up with. The rest just happens naturally. I've been teaching my parents a painful lesson about how selfish I can be. I have been intentionally non complicit in their "request" (demands) for me to help them in their lives. They except me to handle certain things for them because I always have and I just didn't do any of it this year without telling them I wasn't going to do it. I set a limit (a very low threshold) to the amount of crap I was willing to take from people and after they reached it I was just blunt with them about how I was done. I've rather like this way of living. Everyone else in my life hates it. I have to decide what's best for me. I do in fact need people, so I should be wary of burning bridges. I just feel so unencumbered by centering myself to the point of being willing to hurt others if it makes it more convenient.

I can't decided if I've become a worse person this year (because I don't know if I should be comparing myself to 2016 me or comparing myself to my peers and how they have faired this year. Those are two outcomes are drastically different). I am not suffering as bad from my Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder, as it has manifested completely differently this year. My mental health is improving. My general health has improved. My ability to function in school saw an improvement as well. By all measurable standards things look up for me despite the current status of the world. I'm extremely skeptical of my ability to maintain a positive standard in all those categories. Whatever morals/ethics I gained in 2016 are gone though. It's a very interesting state of being. The only thing that's stops me from doing terrible things is my desire to maintain relationship with my loved ones (or in the case of Vendetta cultivate a healthy relationship). I know that there are certain things my loved ones would never forgive me for if they had it on good authority that I did whatever they suspected me of doing. So unless I know for sure I will get away with it, or not face any consequences for said action, I generally don't do it. I think though that means I've regressed to highschool me, who lived by the same standards. I for the most part I no longer set the standard of what is right and wrong. It is set for me based on who I value the most.  So if the people I surround myself with were scum then I would in fact also be scum.  That is not currently the case. Nonetheless my apathy is a tiny bit disconcerting, not enough to change, but just saying.

For 2018 I'm going to survive the best I can. The world is going to get worst before it gets better. Germany come save us, as a country that has done this before we could use the help. I am going to try to make strides in my academic career. I want to grow my organization. I always make the resolution to try to live again. I am committed to that goal of feeling alive again. I think if I can accomplish that then I might be able to better deal with my suicidal ideation. However, I'm going to make that live again resolution smaller and more manageable. I want to have more meaningful moments, those priceless moments that I can never quite describe, but make me feel a little bit better about making it this far and still existing. I'm going to year full of moments I never want to forget.

12/16/17

Daily struggles

I swear my reproductive system is out to get me. It was like you know what would be hilarious if we got blood on everything but the panty liner! Like how does it do that?!

12/13/17

Skittles: Perfect broken mirrors

Why do I do this? I do this to myself I know. I am addicted. I am so use to life with you I am incapable of leaving you. Someone please drag me away. I don't hate you, yet. The distance helps. We are so volatile. I am still very upset with you. But I don't want you to leave. I need to find a way for us to be just friends because that's the only way I can keep you in my life. If we can't we are good for a little while. Probably longer than either of us would exspect. The distance is a very good thing. But we will burn out or burn up. We are too intense together. You are everything I have ever dreamed of in a lover. A true partner, someone I can grow with, and we compliment each other perfectly. I want to live the rest of my life with you in it. Our souls complete each other. For some reason God keeps me alive, but you keep me in love. No one knows me with out even trying like you do. I'd never known someone better than I know myself until I met you. I will keep trying not to love you as long as you promise to keep trying not to love me. On your wedding day we will sneak a moment alone together. We won't say anything because we don't have to. We have never needed words. We will both know you are doing the logical thing and making appropriate career move. You will want me to say something, anything, I won't. You will think that means its not meant to be. We are meant to be but maybe not this life time? We will give each other one more longing glance, hoping for a sign, then we will officially agree to pretend to not love each other for the rest of ourlives. It will be a pointless struggle. We will die without anyone else knowing the truth. The person that survives the other's death ( you better out live me. You owe me that much.) will always wonder what if. You will die shortly after me, unexplainable ( broken heart syndrome though). Then maybe the next time we can get it right.

11/10/17

Daily Struggles

"Are We Hungry?" America's favorite game show starring depression, anxiety, and the side effects of my ADHD meds

11/6/17

Daily Struggles

When your board is almost equal in POC people to non POC people, but 2 of your white board members don't always acknowledge thier privalage and sometimes take up to much space. -.-

11/4/17

Daily struggles

When your writing has also severed to document the past five years of your life. Expect when you look to see why you didn't go to one specific event. I know I didn't go to the conference in Denver in 2015 because I was avoiding Amoriartii. But I can't find evidence of why I was avoiding them.

11/3/17

Skittles: I'm seeing people?

So I have already told you all about Latka. We are doing good. We haven't officially started our relationship but we talk at least once a week on the phone. We also text everyday and he is coming to visit in December for a bit. I'm excited.

I haven't talked about Vendetta recently though. I thought all hope was lost when I found out this other person liked her and she liked the other person back. All was not lost. V is poly like me. I have since learned about one other person in V's romantic life. So there are 3 of us to my knowledge. I briefly stopped talking to V when I found out about the person number 1. Then she hit me up and asked me to help her move so I did. I got to spend a whole day with her which is how I learned she was poly and into me. We've been talking ever since. In September we started officially dating! Things have been slow but that's intentional. There is a lot of her own history she has to sort through and I respect that. I just like being there for her. I want her to be as comfortable as possible in our relationship so I'm willing to wait, all be it impatiently. I enjoy just being with V. Our conversations are very intentional and thought provoking. But still very relaxed. I like that I just get to be myself and discover myself with her. I always feel in a relationship I'm aiming to please. So I only get to be part of myself. With Cyborg I was very fem, despite wanting to explore my more masculine or neutral side, because that's what Cyborg was attracted to. But with Vendetta I get to be whatever. I love her heart and soul. She is very sensetive ( in a good way) and soft. Her willingness to be vulnerable and engage with me is what I find most attractive about her. She's also just so freaking physically attractive as well. I spend so much time lusting after her. I have learned that when no one tickles my fancy my sex drive just doesn't exist. Which is nice. When I'm not attracted to anyone I don't get horny. Since I prefer the company of others to my own that really works out in my favor. No person, no sexual feelings, no sexual desires, great! However, when I do find someone attractive for more than a moment then its like they flipped the switch. I go from never wanting sex to thinking about it all the time. Thus the case with V. I have been abstinent since I broke up with Cyborg in February. I could have had a fling with California eyes at the beginning of September but mother nature got in the way. Other than that I have only had a boner for V. We started talking in July so by now I could just devour her with my desire. But I'm not going to. I will take a very cold shower and wait. I respect her and I will not force the issue. But dam her eyes, her smile, those lips, her hips, and everything else just keeps me staring.

10/20/17

Daily struggles

When your new co-worker is a snake bish. I'm not happy and we ( the rest of the co-workers) are going to black ball him.

10/19/17

Skit: Coming out day 2017

I've been dragging my feet about writing a post for coming out day which was October 11. I didn't want to write it not because I don't have anything to say. But if you have as many queer activist friends as I do on Facebook, Tumblr, or Istagram you probably herd it all already. I really don't have a fresh take on what trans, non binary, QPOC, queer disabled, or intersectional feminist groups had to say about it. If you haven't heard what these groups said I will use my own words to try to convey their ideas. I will also offer my own thoughts on coming out day based on where I'm at now with my queer identities.

The groups I mentioned had a few overarching themes when it came to coming out day. 1) Come out if you want to come out when you feel safe to do so. Don't feel like you owe it to anyone to come out. This is your life and your identity. You should do it when you want to and when you believe you won't be putting yourself at risk for inescapable violence (physical, mental, or emotional).

2) You never have to come out if you don't want to. You can live your life as queerly as you see fit. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to live your life. Straight people never come out as straight, cisgender never come out. They just live their life and you can too.

3) The idea of coming out of the closet is kind of misleading and classiest. It implies we were living a lie in our closet in our homes. We were never lying, we were discovering ourselves. We don't have to share our personal self discovery with anyone. Also we could be protecting ourselves. Not everyone can come out due to their situation. We see you, you are not forgotten. Not everyone has a closet, physical or metaphorical, that they could "hide" in or come out of. We need to recognize those people in our community. We need to listen to their stories. We need to give them our help and support if they want/need it, not on our trems but on theirs.

3)When you are already a minority coming out can make you feel more isolated and and alone. There is this lie that pinkwashers perpetuate that ethic communities and certain religious communities (they usually focus on Islam) aren't accepting of queers. They use this to further their own agendas. For example Israeli pinkwashers claim that Palestine needs to be dissolved as a country and the land and people need to be under Israeli control because Israel is more progressive in LGBTQ rights and would benefit millions. When what they really want is control over what is Palestine. You can't make sweeping statements. Just like not all Christians hate queers not all *insert race, ethnicity, or religious group here* hate queers either. Most pre colonial races had a third gender option and accepted all sexualities. It was only after colonization that these genders were limited to male and female, seeing most other gender options completely erased from history. With the exception of a few races. Colonization also brought strict rules and limitations to the binary genders that still effect us today. The idea that boys are naturally more violent and girls are inherently more nurturing. Colonization also brought homophobia. These same races and civilizations are now being criticized for being homophobic by the colonizers. So even though in my personal experience as a black person has found that my specific black communities I've encountered in Chicago and at college are not accepting, I believe that some black communities are. Sometimes the Black Lives Matter community is queer accepting. Mine here in Chicago is.

4) You can be queer and also have basically physical or mental ability status. The blatant ableism that says disabled people aren't sexual beings is extremely wrong. People who become disabled do to accident or illness were sexual before why wouldn't they they now? So if you can rationalize those people as still being sexual beings why not people who are born that way? So yes disabled people can be queer. They can come out if they want.

5)Coming out maybe a constant process. You might come out just once, or you might come out a million times. People come their friends, family, work (if you want to), religious communities (if that applies), partner'sfamily (if applicable), strangers, people in your social club/org/group, neighbors, etc. You may never stop coming out. This is especially relevant to trsns people transitioning, that never want to transition, that don't "pass", gender fluid/creative people, people who identify as both genders, non binary people, agender people, or people who identify as a gender that is neither male or female ( like one of those third gender options some races still have). I have trans friends that are constantly coming out, because people are nosey and/or they get misgender and feel like correcting the person. If a server calls my trans male friend a lady he might correct them, thus outing himself. Your identity might evolve, prompting you to come out again. Coming out may never end, but that's all up to you.

6) Coming out is important for some and not for others. Never out someone. Never pressure someone to come out. Coming out is a personal choice, not for others to make. Believe people when they come out to you. How can you tell someone how they feel? Or who they are? Experience does not equal or define someone's gender or sexuality. Do not question them for proof, ask them how do they know, or ask them are they sure. Appropriate questions include: what does that word mean (though you can probably google it), how can I support you, you can ask if they want you to call them by a different name or use different pronouns (if applicable), would you like a hug, do you have a partner or crush, ask if they want safe sex stuff condoms dental dams lube latex gloves( if of age), and/or can we celebrate? You can always do your own research on their identity because Google is your friend (just stay away from suspicious looking videos), then you can ask them if you can both talk about it. I get it non queer people, their are a lot of words in the queer dictionary, but you can try to learn some. Chance are if they are just discovering themselves, they are telling they are learning too.

I've been out for 10 years now. I've changed a lot since then. I've gotten really really queer. I still do activism and I'm still learning. We create new words to describe our nuances all the time. My sexuality has evolved I still identity as bisexual but my attraction is very narrow. I like queer male identified people who are very feminine. I like fem leaning gender fluid, non binary and gender creative people. I like androgynous or gender ambiguous queer people, agender people and non binary people. I like female identified quuer people who have just a touch of masculinity. My gender identity has changed. I identify as a trans non binary fem presenting person. I also identify as kinky (dom) and polyamorous. I've changed and learned so much 13 year old me would be shocked. I am constantly coming out to almost everyone in my life except family (as usual). I think I'll continue to change, evolve, learn and thus come out. It is not as big of a deal now as when it was when I first came out to my sisters. I was really worried about being accepted the first time. I wanted the people I loved to still love me, which they did. Now being queer is my favorite and most important identity. I have found a really loving queer community who accept me. So now when I come out to people I don't care if they accept me or not because I have my communities love and support.

Daily struggle

Brain: get up
Me: no I'm sleeping
Brain: time to wake up
Me: still tired
Brain: *starts having a panic attack*
Me: that's not fair. Its so early. I hate you *gets up*

10/18/17

Skittles: who is Latka

I know, I know I mentioned him about a week ago and never did a follow up story. I'm doing that now though.

Latka and I met while I was at UIUC. I believe we met my second year in 2013. That's when all the scared queer freshman realize that they want to hang out with other queers instead of straight people. So now we're all sophomores but all the ones who were out and involved freshman year already have a click and were very picky about who we let in our click. We were the cool queers hanging out with the upperclassmen. We don't need any newbies coming in and embarrassing us. I was already in a click, already an intern, already working to make my other campus job more queer friendly, and already a badass. I was picked to be queen of the gays at the end of my freshman year by usurping the previous queen. So I was a big deal. Everyone else wasn't. I had already started creating programs for incoming freshman to get them involved from day one so that they too could be a big deal by their sophomore year.

However, I also saw how the senior class that had just graduated was extremely divided and held a lot of animosity for one another. So one of goals was to get my graduating class to graduate friends. So I started hosting parties to keep us together. Not too close to create drama, but close enough that we were all loosely friends. However, not all queer sophomores partied so I had to get to know them and bring them in by hanging out in our resource center. This is how I met Latka. Through basically living in our resource center. It was also around that time the sophomores that didn't party started a new student run organization. As intern I should have helped but I was busy. After they did become an org (That foused on our trans and non binary stundents) I had to attend their weekly meetings and their board meetings. Latka was on the board. So we became friends. He also eventually joined my favorite student orgs OSTEM.

We both liked to cook and even had a freindlyish competition over who's chili was better during friendsgaying. I won. We wouldn't hang out too much while I was at UIUC but we stayed friends after I left. I eventually asked him to be my kink group's executive administrator (assistant). That made us very close, as the whole board is extremely tight knit. Latka stated sending me postcards like once every 2 months just to check on me. I eventualy went to visit one winter break. We have visited each other at least 2 more times since then.

So this August (2017) I noticed something very small that they said during one of our phone calls or text convos that made me think at one point Latka had a crush on me. So I asked him about it and he said he's liked me for a while. We talked about it, me mainly concerned with why he didn't tell me, and him trying to get me to drop it. I won again. We talked about dating at some point in the future and how to make that work given his situation. He's at home with his dad who's not very trans friendly. Probably republican if I had to guess. Latka is working and taking classes to further himself before he joins the work force in his desired field. Also he lives two states over.

We had this running joke for a while where I would ask everyday if today was "yes day" the day they say yes to being in a relationship with me. During one of our calls I asked if yes day had a time I could point to on a clock and he said "yes just don't ask me what day it is." I said I would Send them a calender ( the warwick rowers calendar) where I pick the day and time for yes day. They sarcastically agreed. To which I responded in child like form no takies backies. So on a day of my choosing in 2018 we will be in a relationship. Thus why I refer to Latka as my future partner.

10/17/17

Skit: Essay on banning conversion therapy

So in my post on world mental health day I talked about having a learning disability that effects how I process language. I wanted to share with you all my one of my essays where I used my accommodations to actually get the best out of my writing.


In the past decade, there has been a great shift in public opinion when it comes to the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (LGBT) community. As of June 26, 2015, right before many Pride Parades took place, the United States Supreme Court made same-sex marriage legal. It is also legal for same-sex couples to adopt in all 50 states. With growing support for LGBT identified people, one would think practices in place to harm LGBT identified youth would be illegal. However, that is not the case.  One of the most harmful practices to LGBT youth is still legal in 44 states:  conversion therapy. Conversion therapy is dangerous, there is no empirical evidence showing that it works, and it implies there is something that can be cured when it comes to LGBT people. Licensed medical professionals should be barred from practicing conversion therapy on children and adolescents.

Conversion therapy, also called reparative therapy or sexual orientation change effort, is a variety of treatments rooted in psychoanalytic theory. The treatment is based on the belief that homosexual, bisexual and gender diverse people need to be cured, turned heterosexual and made to conform to gender stereotypes matching one's assigned sex at birth. Gender diverse people are people who do not identify with the sex they were assigned at birth, have a gender expression that doesn’t conform society's gender stereotypes, and/or have a gender identity outside of the male/female binary. Conversion therapy treatment can include but is not limited to: “praying away the gay,” “psychoanalysis, hypnosis, social skills training, adverse behavioral therapy”(Moss 317-318), “electroshock, institutionalization, castration, noxious stimuli” (Fritz 8) paired with imagery, rape, and “group or individual shaming” (Fritz 8). These treatments are dangerous and often mentally damaging. Six states have already banned licensed medical practitioners from practicing conversion therapy for children and adolescents. However,  conversion therapy practiced by licensed medical professional for children and adolescents  needs to be banned at the federal level.

Congress should ban conversion therapy for minors because there is no disease or mental ailment to cure and the majority of the medical community agrees.  “ In 1973 homosexuality was removed as a diagnostic category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) with the declaration of support for the civil rights of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people from the American Psychiatric Association” (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 15). Not only was it removed but one of the nation's top mental health organizations showed support for LGBT people. The American Psychological Association, the National Association for Social Work, the American Counseling Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychoanalytic Association, and the American Academy of Pediatrics all have come out against conversion therapy saying there is nothing to cure (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 15). All of these organizations have also come out with their own statements supporting the civil rights of LGBT people. Conversion therapy is no longer up for discussion: the mental health community has spoken. The an overwhelming majority of professionals agree that having a sexual minority orientations is not a disease. Instead, sexual minority orientations are a normal part of human sexuality.  The same applies when it comes to gender diverse people.  Gender Identity Disorder was removed in 2013 from the DSM (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration 16). Gender Identity Disorder was defined as “ evidence of a strong and persistent cross-gender identification, which is the desire to be, or the insistence that one is, of the other sex … evidence of persistent discomfort about one's assigned sex” (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 523-533). Removing it from the DSM is big step away from looking at gender diverse people as suffering from a pathological problem and accepting that gender expression lies on a spectrum.  

In addition to being unnecessary there is no empirical evidence showing that it works. There have never been any articles published in peer-reviewed journals showing evidence of successful conversion therapy. The National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) would have people believe that the lack of evidence would be enough to prove that it possibly can work. However, that's not how science or the law works. The burden of proof lies with the party saying that it does work. For instance, the scientists must prove their theory to their peers, and the prosecutor must prove to the jury beyond reasonable doubt that they are right. We need to hold pro conversion therapy organizations to the same standards.  Most mental health organizations are not willing and cannot ethically go about proving that conversion therapy does not work due to the severity of some of the treatment. On numerous occasions the United Nations has called electroshock inhumane torture. Ethically, if an organization wanted to prove that conversion therapy did not work they wouldn't be able to prove it scientifically because electroshock is used. The majority of scientist  are not going to put subjects through inhumane torture. This is where the problem lies. Some of the more extreme treatments used in conversion therapy are unethical, thus impossible to test for effectiveness. However, the fact that some of the more extreme options are unethical should be reason enough for said treatment options not to be used and instead, discounted as plausible practices due to evidence of harm from conversion therapy survivors.

Congress needs to ban conversion therapy for minors on the grounds that it is dangerous and harmful. Anecdotal research proves this. There have been many accounts from conversion therapy survivors of the abuse that they experienced. Many survivors experience mental health problems.  “ Shame, withdrawal, depressive symptoms, and substance use have been frequently associated with conversion therapy” (Fritz 8). All this is evidence of someone who had undergone severe trauma.  In addition, conversion therapy survivors are about 9 time more likely to commit suicide than the average population (Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation 33).  It leaves mental damage because it often occurs at young ages. Parents are seeking out professionals to help their children, often not knowing how much they are hurting the children they love. Proponents and practitioners of conversion therapy assure the parents that the benefits far outweigh the risks when that has been proven not to be true.

Some organizations still support conversion therapy. The Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity (Alliance), previously NARTH, whose former president was Dr.Joseph Nicolosi, a very famous proponent of conversion therapy.  Another is Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX). Both of these organizations are religious non for profits, whose reasoning is rooted in the belief that homosexuality is a sin. PFOX’s website has a blog against homosexuality and how it is ruining society and families. They also offer resource such as articles and videos against homosexuality.  One of the articles on  PFOX’s website is from the Wall Street Journal by Dr. Robert L. Spitzer regarding a study of  gay men who wanted to change their sexuality. He says, “What I found was that, in the unique sample I studied, many made substantial changes in sexual arousal and fantasy — and not merely behavior” (Spitzer). Dr.Spitzer argues that change is in fact possible. He believes that the option of this therapy should be available to those who want it. PFOX supports this view not only by offering this article as a resource on their website but also offering similar articles in the same vain on the blog. The Alliance also supports the view point that homosexuals/ bisexuals can change: “individuals who report unwanted same-sex attractions and pursue psychological care … achieve sustained shifts in the direction and intensity of their sexual attractions, fantasy, and arousal that they consider to be satisfying and meaningful” (NARTH). They say conversion therapy works and have videos from ex gays to back up these claims. The Alliance also has a entire section of their website devoted to the treatment of adolescents. This proves that they believe that this is an appropriate treatment for youth. Both groups repeatedly explain that a person must want or seek the treatment. They both believe that for the treatment to work LGB people have to want to change.  Youth might seem willing or try to change due to parental or community pressure and fear of rejection. If one could potentially be facing homelessness or abuse, perhaps it would seem more favorable to go through therapy. Proponents of conversion therapy  think that this needs to exist for those who seek it to help their children, and in both of these organizations’ opinions, banning it prevents a consumer's right to choose and infringes on parental rights.

Another argument for conversion therapy has to do with gender diverse people. The Alliance  believes that a person is whatever gender he or she  is born, because God makes no mistakes. The Alliance specifically talks about gender diverse people needing professional help.  The Alliance states that the media and politicians are harming the  “...transgendered by treating their confusions as a right in need of defending rather than as a mental disorder that deserves understanding, treatment and prevention” (McHugh). They still view gender diverse people much how they view homosexuals as suffering from an illness. The Alliance believes that you can treat this illnesses through conversion therapy.  Before kindergarten a child knows their gender.  Children age 6 or younger could be in conversion therapy to prevent atypical gender behavior. In their view,  the Alliance just wants to help parents raise their daughters as females and their sons as males.

The Alliance also discredits Gay Affirmative Therapy as a healthy alternative to conversion therapy arguing that it is too superficial, that Gay Affirmative Therapy is “accepting the attraction at face value without questioning their origins. This is a highly unprofessional omission” (Nicolosi). They contend that Gay Affirmative Therapy does not ask enough questions and just accepts the homosexual identity at face value instead of looking for the root of the problem/ attraction.  The Alliance does not believe that lesbian, gay, or bisexual (LGB) people are born this way and there has to be a source of the “illness”.

Samuel Brinton (Sam) is a conversion therapy survivor, and has been one of the main faces against conversion therapy. Sam co chairs the Born Perfect advisory committee, run by the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and is a founder of 50 Bills 50 States, an organization leading the charge in banning conversion therapy for youth in all 50 states. Sam has also helped spearhead bills in 29 states against conversion therapy. I interviewed Sam about their viewpoints on conversion therapy. Sam prefers gender neutral pronouns they/ them/ theirs/ when I refer to them.  When asked about conversion therapy's effectiveness they said “conversion therapy has been proven not to be effective. The science speaks for itself. Many national medical organizations have discredited its effectiveness.” Even though the Alliance and PFOX both have videos on their websites from “ex-gays” to prove that it does work,  Sam argues that these people are suffering from severe trauma and should instead seek Gay Affirmative Therapy to explore their identity for themselves.  However,  Gay Affirmative Therapy  has been discredited by the Alliance. Yet Sam explains that  “ affirmative gay therapy is a process that explores identity and helps the patient come to terms with what their identity means to them, without bringing in outside viewpoints of society or one's family. It really asks the patient to come to a conclusion for themselves whatever that may be.”  This type of therapy is helpful to anyone exploring one of their identities whether that be religious, sexual, gender, etc. Instead of being told that their identity is wrong or invalid. It lets a patient define their identity for themselves.  PFOX and the Alliance both argue that this treatment is appropriate  for youth, but Sam disagrees saying that “people under the age of 18 cannot emotionally, mentally, or legally consent to conversion therapy.  Even though it is completely feasible that a young person could want conversion therapy, they could be seeking conversion therapy due to environmental factors or social pressure. We protect children from making bad decisions. However, if they still want conversion therapy as an adult after being able to make an informed decision, they should have that option.” Sam not is not trying to outlaw conversion therapy completely, though some countries have gone that far. Instead, they are trying protect some of our most at risk youth from something that has been studied to be harmful. When asked wouldn’t banning licensed practitioners from practicing conversion therapy just make it more dangerous Sam responded,  “I am  protecting LGBT youth from licensed therapist and medical professionals. People still have access to conversion therapy if they choose it for their children but no licensed medical professional should be able to provide such a service. Only unlicensed therapists or religious leaders are able to practice conversion therapy. That does make it more dangerous; however, by reducing the population that have access to it there are less people being harmed by it.”  Finally, I asked them whether or not it was appropriate to treat gender diverse youth with conversion therapy as the Alliance suggest, “Conversion therapy is the practice of refuting one’s sexual orientation or gender identity. Conversion therapy would be forcing that a child to live as the gender that the outside world perceives and not as the child necessarily identifies as. This would be harmful and damaging mentally to a child. Instead they should be offered affirmation therapy to help them explore the gender they identify as and help them align their perceived identity with their actual gender identity.” Gender diverse people are not confused. They just need to be believed and affirmed just like people with sexual minority identities.

Brazil, Malta, and Switzerland (de facto illegal) have all banned conversion therapy. The United States of America needs to join that list. These countries have gone as far to make the practices illegal for  minors and adults, yet the United States is dragging its feet in protecting children from conversion therapy. Conversion therapy has been dismissed by most major health organization as an appropriate therapy for LGBT people. It is dangerous and causes permanente mental health issues. There is no empirical evidence to support that it even works. The United States needs to banned licensed medical practitioners from practicing conversion therapy for children and adolescents on the federal level.

Work Cited

American Psychological Association, Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. (2009). Report of the American Psychological Association Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/therapeutic-resp.html

Danlev. "Equaldex." LGBT Rights in Brazil. Equaldex, n.d. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association,1994.

"Equaldex." LGBT Rights in Switzerland. Equaldex, n.d. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

Fritz, Gregory K. “‘Conversion therapy’ and homosexuality - never an appropriate treatment for children or adolescents.” The Brown University Child and Adolescent Behavior Letter, vol. 32, no. 3, 2016, pp. 8–8., doi:10.1002/cbl.30111.

"Malta bans 'gay cure' conversion therapy." BBC News. BBC, 06 Dec. 2016. Web. 9 Apr. 2017.

McHugh, Paul. “Wall Street Journal .” Wall Street Journal , 12 June 2014, www.wsj.com/amp/articles/paul-mchugh-transgender-surgery-isnt-the-solution-1402615120. Accessed 29 Mar. 2017.

Moss, Ian. “Ending Reparative Therapy in Minors: An Appropriate Legislative Response” Family Court Review, vol. 52, no. 2, 2014, pp. 316–329., doi:10.1111/fcre.12093.

“NARTH Institute Statement on Sexual Orientation Change Efforts.” National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality, NARTH board of Directors , 25 Jan. 2012, www.narth.com/about1. Accessed 31 Mar. 2017.

Nicolosi, Joseph. “What is Reparative Therapy? Examining the Controversy.”

Spitzer, Robert L. “Commentary: Psychiatry and Homosexuality.” Wall Street Journal , 23 May 2001, www.pfox.org/sidebar-pages/athiest/. Accessed 29 Mar. 2017.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Ending Conversion Therapy: Supporting and Affirming LGBTQ Youth. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 15-4928. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2015.

10/16/17

Skit: #METOO

Content warning:
Sex abuse
Rape
Sexual assault
Physical abuse
Mental abuse

October is domestic abuse awareness month. To raise awareness, people who have been abused are posting Me Too on their Facebook, or using the #metoo. If you want to I encourage you to at least post me too on whatever social media platform you use. You don't have to elaborate if you don't want to.  I didn't. I have too many family members connected to my Facebook.

My Facebook is filled with Me Too. Trust me you are not alone. All my close friends have posted a Me Too status. Almost everyone I'm friends with that I've worked with have posted a Me Too status. People I try to see at least once a year are posting. My international friends are posting. All my queer friends have posted. All my non binary, trans, and trans femme  friends have posted Me Too multiple times to give you a since of how often this has happened to them. My disabled friends are posting it multiple times often citing the situations, like encounters with the police or trying to get services. This is all to say domestic abuse can happen to anyone, but some people are more at risk than others.

Less than 1% of domestic abuse gets reported. So the statistics we do have extremely limited. They mostly focus on women, excluding gay, men in general, trans people, and non binary people. But we will deal with what we can find. On average 20 people are abused per minute.  In the U.S. about half of the population (regardless of gender identity) will experience DA (Domestic Abuse) in their lifetime (they break this down by men and women which are both at 48%). Females ages 18-34 generally experience the highest levels of DA according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Globally 1/3 of women have experienced DA accordibg to World Health Organization. According to The Williams Institute bisexuals and lesbians experience more DA  than heterosexuals and gay men. Also according to the Institute 31%-50% of transgender people report experiencing DA in there lifetime. It should also be noted that one study ( I can't remember the name of said study) reports that most trans muders are a direct result of DA. Meaning the people who kill trans people often DA them first.

What is DA also known as intimate partner violence? Wikipedia defines it as: is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. So children that live with their parents or guardians. Two people in a romtantic or sexual relationship that don't live together also counts. Two people who live together that aren't in anything more than a platonic relationship counts. Kink relationship that may or may not live together count. The violence can be physical, mental (extremely controlling is an example), sexual, stalking, and/or emotional (denying love or emotional connection to a child by a care giver is example).

I experienced physical and mental abuse growing up. My mom would beat me beyond a reasonable measure when she thought I was wrong. It could be as small as not doing one homework assignment. She would beat me until it left bruises and welts. She was also very controling of me until I left for college. She even decided which college I was going to attend after I got my acceptance letters. I had no say in the matter. My parents were divorced and lived apart. I never told my dad but he knew because he would see the marks she would leave on my thighs. He never did anything. My step dad lived with my mother, my little brother and I. Sometimes, when things got really out of hand he would step in. Like the time my mom had beat me and I was already starting to bruise. I ran to my room but she followed me. I blockaded my door. She broke the door down, right off of its hinges. Then my step father stepped in. I didn't have a door to my room for 7 years. I finally was allowed to fix it when I came home from college. She didn't really abuse my brother, and when she tried I always stepped in and stop her. I would say it's not his fault its mine. I would say that I took his homework which is why he couldn't do it. Anything to stop her from beating him.

I was raped by different people from the ages of 5-10. Male children victims of sexual assault are 35% more likely to become perpetrators. The jury is still out on females.That is not a justification for what I'm about to say, at about the age of 10, I started to sexually assault my little brother. I would sleep with him at night and while he was sleeping, I would make him touch my parts. I wouldn't touch any of his parts. He began to wet the bed shortly after and nobody knew why. He had trouble sleeping. It really took a toll on him. He never told anyone because he loved me so much and knew what mom what our mom was capable of doing to me. This went on for about two years. So from 5-7 for him. I talked with him about it over the phone yesterday. I explained I was wrong and that I'm sorry. I told him he doesn't have to forgive me ever. I'm not looking for forgivenes. I was old enough to know what I was doing at the time. I'm old enough now that I am taking responsibility for it and that he should hold me 100% accountable. I have always known better but now I do better. I told him he should go to therapy to deal with any trauma I caused. That if his therapist thought it was a good idea I would come to a therapy session with him and he could say whatever he needed to say to me. That I would listen and respect him and do whatever he asked of me that I could do. He said he doesn't remember any of the assault happening. He remembers wetting the bed and me sleeping with him when he had trouble sleeping. But not making him touch me. He said he either doesn't remember because he was a very hard sleeper or because he's blocked it out. He said all he really remembers of that time is how mom abused me and me protecting him. I told him if remembering that time in your life causes you stress and makes you uncomfortable you should still probably go see a therapist. Maybe you'll start to remember, maybe you never will, I just want you to live the happiest life you can live. He said he would go. He said he loved me and that I caused him no pain.

My mom never owned up to the pain she caused me. She never said sorry. She never took responsibility. That's all I wanted from her. Other people never want anything from their abuser. I never want a sorry from my rapist. I want them to learn what raping someone can do to ba person. I want them to become allies to victims, stand up for them, believe them. I want them to not be bystanders and actively stop situations they see. I want them to tell others why it's wrong, and try to prevent someone who would be rapist. I want education from them. But I do not want them to ever contact me. 

I've been on both sides of the abuse. I believe on both sides there is pain. I think that if I could have gotten help for dealing with my own sexual trauma I wouldn't have inflicted it on my brother. The abuser needs help too. I'm not saying the victim has to understand their abusers trauma. The survivor has there own stuff to now process. They can hate their abuser. That is their right. They are allowed to feel anything they want to. They have the right to pursue legal action against their abuser if they want to. However, instead of just sending abusers to jail they should be required to attend therapy while in prison to deal with their trauma. They should get the help they need so they don't go on being abusers.

10/12/17

Skit: World Mental Health Day

October 10th was World Mental Health Day.  I spent the day self caring for the most part. I got to talk to my future parnter Latka. I'll tell you all about that later. I watched some Netflix with my mom.  I generally took it easy becuase honestly I didn't have the spoons to do what I had planned to do that day.

Mental illness is extremely common. According to the World Health Organization, 1 in 4 people, world wide, have been diagnosed with mental illness.  In America I know that number would be higher if we had universal healthcare.  If you can't afford the doctor here you don't get to go get the help you need.  You go undiagnosed and there for go uncounted. I would imagine it would be the same in other countries with out universal healthcare or lack of mental health resources in rural areas.

Mental health illiness occurs on a spectrum. My ADHD is really bad without my medication. I am forgetful, I can't foucus for more than 5 or so minutes, my brain moves so fast I can't keep up with it, I go off on tangent after tangent when trying to explain something simple, etc. For others it might look like needing a distraction free environment to get work done. They might not know they have ADHD becuase they have developed coping skills over the years to manage it. People at the lower end of the spectrum ( imagine it like a pain scale where 1 is I notice very slight discomfort but it's barely noticeable so I'm not going to do anything about it. Compared to an 8 where it really freaking hurts and is impeding you from doing anything) don't really know something is wrong so they never go seek treatment either. They go uncounted as well.

There are the lesser known mental illness, meaning that becuase people really don't know the symptoms they go undiagnosed. I didn't know eating disorders fell under mental health. Very spefic phobias fall under anxiety disorder.
Cyclothymia, Dysthymia, and Hypomania are lesser known mood disorders. Mood disorders include depression and bipolar disorder. Things that effect your mood. Delusional disorder and Shared psychotic disorder are psychotic disorders (a disorder that cause abnormal thinking and perceptions. It does not mean a person is out of touch with reality necessarily.). Impulse control and addiction disorders; compulsive actions or a uncontrollable dependantcy on something.  Personality disorders, these are hard to explain so just click the link to read about it. Stress response syndromes  is another one that is hard to explain.  I could not find a website I trust that have a simple overview of it however there are tons of scholarly publications on it. So if you have the time and want to decipher medical jargon Google it. I  do know that Acute Stress Disorder falls under this. Dissociative disorders are also hard to explain.  According to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), also the site I just linked you to,  says that this disorder cause an "involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory." Somatic symptom disorders as I understand it is usually a negative physical manifestation of mental illness, stress, or trauma. I also have this becuase when my depression and suicidal ideation are at their worst,  I develope an auto immune disease. The auto immune disease never has a physical cuase. They can't seem to cure it with any medicine used to treat any auto immune diseases. I only get better when I start to feel better mentally.  Then it magically goes away.  Some Tic disorders also fall under mental illness. The most notable is Tourette's syndrome.

These illnesses are just as serious as physical chronic illiness. Consider ashma, arthritis, or nerve pain. You can be born with it, some event can cause it, or it can develope over time. Once you have it, it never goes away. You can manage it. You can go years without any symptoms or side effects of the illiness.  You might not need medication to manage it, or you might need to take medicine everyday. You can start on medication then no longer need it to manage said illiness, or you might constantly need to increases dosages or even try new medicine to manage it. When you go for your yearly check up your doctor will always ask you about it. You might need to see a medical professional often, or once a year. Out of no where the illiness can come back with a vengeance for no apparent reason. Some days are better than others. Weather changes might make the illiness better or worse. If you have more than one chronic illiness they might compound on top of each other or both work together against you. The only difference is people tend to understand a physical chronic illiness, even if they can't see it like nerve pain or Irritable Bowel Syndrome. People can't see it but they sympathize and empathize with people who have it. Nobody tells them to just get over it, accuse them of faking it, say it's a cry for attention, chastise them for needing medication everyday, gets mad when they cancel plans due to their illiness, etc. So why do we do that to people with chronic illiness that effects a person's mental health? If you have to put it in terms of of physical illiness to make it easier to understand, fine.  A person's brain, a very important organ that we really don't understand how it works, is sick. That's the truth.  The brain is not functioning in a nero-typical way, thus the illiness.

on top of all these mental illiness, that are just as serious and valid as chronic physical illiness, there are a variety of mental disabilities. Automatically everyone thinks autism. Yes, that is one.  It deserves understanding and people with it deserve accommodations just like anyone with a physical disability. Did you know that there are others?  There is so much more. I have one of countless processing disabilities. Mine centers around language. Learning languages through writing and reading is extremely hard for me. In English, my first language, writing my thoughts out in an organized comprehensive manner is hard. That is part the disability and part ADHD. Though if I can talk out my ideas with someone, they can help me find the words to communicate what I'm thinking. Then they help me organize my thoughts in a liner manner. You all wouldn't know it, because I don't use my coping mechanism to write this blog,  but I'm actually a pretty thoughtful, thought provoking writer. I might upload one of my essays I've written for class later so you all can jugde me. It also effects my reading, but not my comprehension. I read extremely slow, I'm dyslexic, and I often have to re-read sentences becuase my brain doesn't process all the words and put them toghther to form the bigger picture on the first try. You think that would mean it would be hard for me to understand what I'm reading. If you just give me more time to work through it and talk to myself about it, I'm actually very good.  When tested I scored in the 95th percentile in the world for reading comprehension. Meaning only 5% of people all over the world who've taken the test scored higher than me. I also have a hand eye coordination disability. There is some kind of disconnect between what my brain tells my hands to do and what they actually do. This affects my ability to catch, hit a ball, throw, write, type,  and play an instrument like piano. I have been in physical therapy for 14 years. I can basically catch, throw, hit a ball, type, and learn to play piano as well as anyone else my age. My handwriting, on the other hand,  looks like that of a seven year old unless I write extremely slow. Those are my two but you can read about others here and here

I don't know of any country that takes mental health as seriously as physical or oral health. You go see your primary care physician yearly (or at least you're suppose to). You do see the dentist every 6 months (again you're suppose to). You might even go to the eye doctor once a year.  When was the last time you saw a psychiatrist or psychologist (the first one can prescribe drugs the second one you just talk to)? You should go talk to them. Tell them you've never seen a mental health professional or if you have the last time you saw one and what for.  Tell them you just want a mental heath check up.  They will probably be shocked becuase no one does this. They will ask you questions,  might give you a series of test, or might have you take a survey. After talking to toy they might revel you have an undiagnosed mental health condition or they will tell you you're mentally healthy. You can ask them what to do to stay mentally healthy.  I know my insurance required media have a referral from my primary care physician. All American insurances cover mental health treatment. Therapy is a great out let for stress and frustration caused by daily life. It can teach you better ways to cope with stress and how to be better in any type of relationship. So go! Stay as healthy as you can.

#WorldMentalHealthDay #WMHD

10/3/17

Daily struggles

I approach new lovers the way I approach cats. I am severely frustrated by both at first. When ever I meet a new cat that I like I'm immedietly like "let me love you!". The cat's response is normally and understandably "No! Who are you? Get away from me!" Then they go and hide.  New people I fall for are the same. I almost certainly scare them. Then that takes months to get them to relax again, if they are still talking to me whilst hiding from me. This frustrates me to no end but I get. I am a bit much at first and my intensity takes some getting used to. The frustrations subsides and I wait impatiently and sadly for the cat or person to come around.  All things in time.

9/18/17

Skit: I'm suicidal but I'm okay

National suicide prevention hotline
1 800-273-8255
Chat online

Trans Lifeline ( for trans, gender creative,  non binary,  gender queer, gender fluid,  two spirit, agender, anything but binary cisgender people)
18775658860

Trevor Project ( for LGBTQ identified people)
866-488-7386
To text: Text "Trevor" to 1-202-304-1200 
3pm-10pm eastern standard time
Chat online 3pm-10pm eastern standard time

Sorry that these are all American numbers. I'm sure if you Google hotlines in your country you should be able to find atleast a suicide prevention number

When ever we think of someone being suicidal we think they have this uncontrollable urge to kill themselves that they will or are acting on.  Sometimes that's the case, but that's usually in its most extreme form. In my exsperice that extreme form of continuous suicidal ideology is really rare. It often takes time and planning to kill yourself. So for someone to be so opportunistic and just looking for every out, I think, is a negligible percent of people living with suicidal tendencies. 

For me it's waking up every day wishing I hadn't. Wishing I would just fall into a coma. Hoping at one of my protest the police make me a martyr. I don't look before I cross the street.  I live my life a little more recklessly that someone in there twenties does. I live for  experiences in the moment.  I don't plan for the future, not even the immediate future, becuase I don't want to get to the future. I live my life one day at a time.  Maybe one month at a time if my depression is in an up swing. 

This is all to say that despite my strong desire to be dead, I am safe.  I don't currently self harm.  I don't cut my wrist, thighs,  or anywhere near blood vessels. When I do cut I give myself paper cuts on my palm and finger tips. I don't cut to draw blood.  I just want to feel pain and have the ability to care for a wound. I pick at my cuticles on all my fingers and toes but I'm trying not to. Often that does end up in a little blood.  I don't do it because I want to hurt myself. I do it for hygiene and just go to far.  I don't have a plan to kill myself. Though I do day dream about my funeral and repass. I have that all planned out.  I've never tried to kill myself. I've always reached out when the feelings of wanting to be dead got to strong.  I usually talk to my best friend, husband #7. He talks me down almost every time.  The one time he couldn't I  checked myself into an inpatient facility for a month. ( I actually did so much better there.  If I could just live there for like 6 months I'm sure I would come out much better, but I don't have money for a long term stay or the time.)

I don't think that my family doesn't love me.  I think my mother doesn't like me but that's differnt and has nothing to do with this.  I don't think they understand but I they want to and they try. My siblings get me better than my parents.  They have always been there for me so I'm still here for them. My little brother is a freshman in college and it would be really messed up if I killed myself while he was away at school. So I promised myself I would hold out until he was done.  But he's my reason to live right now. I know my friends love me.  Even the ones I don't get to see. I get an out pouring of love from them on the regular.

My brain is sick.  I am sick. When the feelings get really strong my body actually begins to shut down.  All of my ER visit for physical health problems correspond with when I feeling most suicidal. For me it's more than just a feeling it's often a physical manifestation like really bad pneumonia or one of my organs beings to shut down. It's really hard to fight a physical illness knowing your body is just responding to your lack of will to live.

I'm not what the media ( tv and movies) portray as crazy.  I am not a danger to myself or others.  I'm not just sad. I can't just snap out of it.  My earliest memories of feeling this way was when I was seven.   I've been like this ever since. I don't think this is a product of my trauma. I think my trauma has exasperated it but I don't think it caused it. Most people don't know I'm suicidal.  My family didn't know till last year and they still don't know I've felt like this for 16 years. Only two of my friends know and they don't know how long this has been going on either. My therapist and psychaiatrist don't know either. 

Why don't I talk about it? People would treat me differnt, or over react everytime I get over emotional. I should tell my doctors but I don't want to be on suicide watch.  You tell them then first they place you on watch for at least 48 hours. Then they being to try to treat it.  I don't have time to be monitored for 2 days, I have things to do. My parents would worry too much and blame themselves for not noticing sooner. When I told them I was suicidal a year ago they went berserk and cut a lot of my privileges that it's taken all year to earn back.  I'm not going through that again.  I would like the support but I need everyone to calm down. 

There is a lot of stigma around mental illness. I think if we could talk about without all the judgement or negative ramifications people would talk about it more.  Instead of doing what they think is best for me they should ask me what I need.  If anyone shares that they have a mental illness it's okay to be concerned.  But that's your feelings they might not need your concern. They might just need your love and support. When I told husband #7 I wanted to die he just talk to me. Like it was normal to feel this way. Like it something we talked about all the time.  He didn't tell my patents. He didn't call the police or an ambulance.  He did ask me if I wanted to die right now or later and if I had tried to kill myself before calling him.  Which is fair.  You need to know if someone has taken action or if they just feel like crap.  I'm sure if I had tried he would have gotten me help. But he didn't over react just becuase I said I wanted to die.  It's hard not to over react but you have to stay calm becuase someone is trusting you when they are in thier darkest moments and how you react is going to determine if they can trust you in the future.  If he had reacted by calling the cops on me I would never reach out to him again. He's stopped me from making plans or acting on plans becuase I trust him and know he's not going to send me to the hospital unless I need it. I'm not saying never take your friends to the hospital or call for an ambulance (they might hate you in the moment for not letting them die but atleast they'll be alive to hate you).  But don't call for police. Ambulance personnel are more capable of handling suicidal people if they have taken pills or cut themselves.  But if they are only making plans try talking to them first.  Be there for them if you can.  If you can't, find someone who can go to them or video chat with them all day to watch them.  Have people send them love so they know they are not alone.  Don't tell people that your friend is suicidal, that's none of there business. Try to divulge as little information as possible to get the person the help they need.  Call the suicide prevention hotline with them. Distract them if that's what they need.  Most of the time I just need to talk about my feelings with someone to feel better. React calmly and try to ask then how you can help.  You can call the prevention line yourself and ask for what you should do. Be there friend becuase that's what they called you for.   

9/12/17

Skittles: follow up to Amoriartii Withdrawl

I didn't get to go to Amoriartii's birthday dinner.  Not becuase I chose not to go, but becuase instead I had to spend my day in the ER and missed my flight.  But I think it's best this way.  I need to ask them why they felt the need to lie to me so obviously. Or lie to me at all.   I need to know where thier head is at.  I'm not over it.  I don't know if I miss them or miss being a power couple. We could have run a small country together.  We could have accomplished more than we could ever imagine.  I am a builder and a driver.  They have vision and influence.  They could decide were they wanted to go and I could get us there then grow beyond their wildest dreams. I know how to make theoretical reality.  I'm just to lazy  and indecisive to have the fore sight to create my own projects.  So part of me wonders do I miss them or what we could have been.  It's not often I find someone who's ideas I believe in enough to create with them.  They have to bring something I've never seen before to the table.  I don't deal with dime a dozen type people. So I worry that I'm also ruined. I've raised my standards of what I exspect. Are they too high?  I crave the unforgettable. I desire to stand behind, fiercely support, drive, and work with the trail blazers. The ones who are unstoppable but need help with the steps to blaze the new way. I need more one in a million people in my life. Jonesing for a fix.  I'm addicted to bad ass revolutionaries.

9/11/17

Daily struggle

Shout out to all my verse and bottom queers, or really anyone who takes it in the butt.  Quick gross and too much information back story. I went to the doctor on Sunday becuase I was bleeding. They did 3 rectal exams and found tearing in my lining that went up pretty far.  They had to cauterize them to stop the bleeding. Which really hurt. Bleeding wierd but painless.  Treatment extremely painful, but I guess good for me. They suck this device that was about the average size of a penis in my butt using lots of lube. Between that and having the tears cauterized I still haven't recovered like a day later. How do y'all do this? My butt is not made to bottom.

9/9/17

Skittles: Amoriartii withdrawl

This weekend is Amoriartii's birthday and I have been cordially invited to thier birthday dinner.  At first I didn't want to go.  I really couldn't be bothered with the fact that they still love me. I had even already called them and told them I couldn't go.  But then I was sitting on the bus listening to music when Mirrors started playing.  I've always loved this song for Amoriartii and I. We were the epitome of the lyrics and the meaning of the song.  The chourse of the song by Justin Timberlake goes:

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm looking right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Coming back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along
It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me

We have spent three years together and planned for forever together.  When we look at each other we just see a reflection of the best of ourselves. We occupy a space in each other's world that no one else can fill. A spot we didn't know was missing until it was filled and we were suddenly whole. It's a space I thought they would always hold. If I can make this friendship work, it's a space I know I will always hold in thier world.  We bring out the best in each other always. We work to be our best for each other.  We made each other stronger by forcing the other to want to face thier fears. Standing by the other's side through the good and bad.  Cheering the other on when they are winning and encouraging the other when they are losing.  We always come back to each other.  When it gets ugly, when one person tries to leave,  when one of us gets scared and runs, we always end up back together. We have been right in front of each other this whole time and the love has always been there.

I want to give it more time and get more space from Amoriartii before I do anything rash. But I don't think this love will die.  I don't think the intensity will lessen over time. I think this will be the first time I go back to someone. I think this will the last time I try and leave them if I do go back.  But I want to try to get over them.

I want it to be over so bad.  I've hurt so much.  But if I let go of the pain all I have is the everlasting joy they bring to my life. The small moments that have ment so much more to me. The times we've danced, the times we've been silly,  all the times we've brought a smile to the other's face.  Sometimes I would look at them, even when I was livid with them or so hurt, and think to myself  they are the love of life. 

Looks like this chapters not quite over yet

9/7/17

Daily struggles

Today's aniexty: first date mixed with surprise period in white pants, with a touch of bad gas through an important meeting.

9/4/17

Skittles: Californian crush

I love sluts. The more promiscuous the better.  California eyes, is this boy who is roommate's with my lesbians in San Fran. He's so gorgeous. 2 problems though.  1) he's gay (has drunken bisexual tendencies but like never sober.  And that's not my MO.) 2) we're both doms (I sub for no one). He's slept with like half of San Fran that is over 21 and under 35. Which has me all like choke me zaddy. I think he's into me but, just like me, he gets bored easy so I'll hit him up when I'm closer to going back. That way we don't tire of each other.  I really want to jump his bones. Why do I always fall for this type.  The one that sleeps around with everyone but me. The one that gets me but is never ready for the real thing.  The one that is physically there but emotionally absent. I'm bad at love. 

8/27/17

Skittles: cookies, the flue, quesadilla

My friends and I have code names for our depression.  It's not that we don't talk openly about our mental health issues, it's that we aren't always free to speak about how bad it is in the moment. Also sometimes just admitting we have a mental health problem is to much to handle so we use code words that seem smaller. Today was one of those days.  After two days of not taking my antidepressants, for a good reason, I crashed.  All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Lovely tends to feed off the energy around them. So becuase I was in a mood they were too. I wanted to get out and do something. If I force myself to get up and be productive I feel better.  But Lovely didn't have the spoons to go out so we stayed in bed drinking. We eventually left becuase they had to work but most of the day is gone now.  I usually visit Lovely when I'm in distress and leave better. But I came fine and I think I'm going to leave in distress. It's hard. I have an inherent attraction to them. So it's never easy visiting and getting to be so close but still so far away.  Plus they have a few romantic/sexual interest right now that I had to witness first hand. Then we talked about what we look for in potential sexual or romantic interest and I am all of the things they say they want but I think I'm just to messy right now. I don't know and I think it would hurt to much to know why not me. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of the people Lovely likes, I just feel hurt because it's not me.  This month, but especially this weekend, has made me feel so undesirable. I went to a party with Lovely, looking good feeling confident. But no one I talked to seemed interested. I'm already limiting myself becuase I refuse to talk to white people like that for reasons I will explian in a differnt post called The Diet.  But no QPOC I want wants me.  They all go for white people mostly.  So I wonder if I wasn't black would I be more desirable? Would people notice?  In my queer spaces if I looked more non binary would people talk to me? I will never know if it's me or how I look. I hope its me because that I could change if I wanted too.  I don't but I could.  But I will always be too black, not non binary enough, and too fem (atleast while it's hot).

Skittles: Chaos Chaos

It's dark in New York city.  There are no stars to be seen in Brooklyn. It's just black and empty.  The sky feels like I do on the inside.  Empty.  The sky is meant to have a moon have stars. Be complete in community and with others. My codependent self does not want to change. I don't want be self reliant completely. I'm an "extrovert" ( not really but enough), I need people to recharge. I need community and to be with others to be complete.  I'm not meant to stand alone.  It's cruel to leave me alone.  Humans die with out companionship. We are meant to be social.  So why can't I? I go to parties and I freeze. I feel out of place and I need someone to stick to. I operate in this world not caring what others think.  But wanting to be liked. But wanting to connect.  But wanting to be seen, I mean truely seen.  But wanting to hide.  But being afraid.  But not trusting others from bad pass experiences. But wanting to be wanted. But wanting to be missed.  But wanting to be loved. All at the same time so I freeze and get nothing.  I'm still afriad. I'm still wary, and I got nothing. I went to a party with a friend and I froze.  But they flirted.  They cruised. They socialized.  They got numbers.  They met people.  They made out with people.  I want that.  I want to flirt. I want to kiss.  I want to be desirable.   I have a lot of problems with this.  I wonder is it me,  If I was anyone else, but still me on the inside, would I still be lonely? Is it because I'm black?  Is it because I'm queer? Is it because I look female?  What's wrong with me? Why does no one,  not even me,  want me? I'm a sky with no stars. Yes I'll be fine on my own but I'll always be empty.

8/17/17

Daily struggles

I have something on my mind but I can't get it out. There is so much happening in the world that it overwhelms me.  There is so much that has happened that I haven't written about that I wanted to but just felt engulfed by all of it that I didn't get it out.  I want to go back to simpler times of writing about people I liked.

8/14/17

Skit: Charlottesville

I am not surprised.  I am not surprised that this happened. I am not surprised that the original protest met the counter protest with violence and that none of the original  protesters where charged for that violence.  I am not surprised that they where not met with riot gear police the way peaceful black lives matter protest are.  I am not surprised by the lack of outrage over this white Supremacist domestic terrorism or the lack of a response in general.  I am not surprised By people's unwillingness to call it white supremacy and domestic terrorism, even though that is what it is. 

We have a president that is threatening a country with nuclear war with no regard for his constituents lives or the lives of the people in the other country. He preaches hate. He dehumanize women, Muslims, Queers, black people, Latinos, and anyone who is not like him or connected to his money. He has given a voice and vailidated people who have the idea that there way, a way where anything that is different or unknown is wrong, is right.  That all the progress we have made,  and despite these protest and our president we have made progress, means nothing and that we can and should go back to a more unhuman time. There are more of us, people of color,  Muslims, immigrants,  Queers, women,  people who believe in civil rights for all than there are people of hate.  I'm not saying all women, are for Muslim rights,  or all people of color are for Queer ( trans specifically) rights. But there are more people who believe in some or most of these ideals then there are people who hate all of these ideals.  We need to do two things. One, convince the people who only believe in some of these ideas to believe in all them. There is a person out there who is all of these things and need all of thier rights. We don't need to see this person to believe in intersectionality. We need to believe that every human should have the same rights. Two, stop being bystanders to hate. Often we think of hate as these lager thighs like violince and this protest. However, it's small things like microaggressions, and racist jokes, or our immediate perceptions of people based on how they look.  Stepping up and saying this is not okay.  You are wrong, and here's why.  We might not be able to change everyone but for the few we can educate we can change them.  We need to push back against thier hate and not give them a platform.  Anything we can do to stop them, we must!

8/11/17

Skittles: Better- TH

It's over quicker than it began. I just saw V with this girl who likes her and who she likes back.  They are so cute. They are both artsy and connect that way.  I just don't get her like that and I think I'm too abrasive anyway. So I'm going to bow out gracefully before I make a fool of myself.  I've never been one to be a quieter but I think I need to let this one go. Looks like I'll be by myself for awhile. It might be good to get some me time.  Maybe I'm better off alone.

7/26/17

Skittles: rants about 7/26/17 feels

When will love stop feeling like an addiction.  I admit it I was addicted to them. Why else would I tolerate the way I was treated? I'm better and stronger than that. But here without them, all I want to do is crawl back into thier arms. I want them back.  I want the pain and abuse. I hate how empty I feel without them.  I hate how lonely I am.  I hate who I am without them. I know that will all change in a month or two. But right now everything hurts.  I don't eat.  I barely sleep even with my sleeping meds.  I'm trying not to rebound becuase no one deserves just to be someone's rebound but its so hard.  I know I left him so I should be fine but it's not that easy.  I love them with my mind, soul, and spirit. Everything that is me resonates with them. I want that. Send me strength to keep on without them.  I am not strong enough to do this alone but I'm being forced to. God help me.

7/24/17

Daily struggles

I kind of like this badass Queer activist drummer/ bass guitarist.  We'll call her V for Vendetta. But I'm too much of a hot mess right now to pursue anything.  My feelings need to cool it.

7/23/17

Skittles: what do you want to be when you grow up?

content warning: death and illness



I am struggling with this question. I know what I theoretically want to do.  I want to do product development for Raytheon.  I want to be an engineer. These are my goals and why I'm in school.  But I lose my insurance when I turn 26 and I defiantly won't be done with school by then.  I know without insurance I will die. It's not a question it's a fact.  My brain is sick which makes my body sick more often than not. If my body doesn't kill me my brain without treatment surely will. So when people asked me this question I use to answer with my job aspersions. Then after I got depressing I answered I wanted to be happy more often than not.  Now with just a few years left to finish school and get a job with insurance, I answer I might maybe kinda want to be alive.  I am still very sick and how much I value my own life is still very low. However, the logical part of my brain that has dreams and goals wants to live to accomplish them. The rest of me just wants to see the world then whatever may come I'll be ready.  I will have lived a life worth living, making connections and loving. Everyone says I need to put school first but if I get to 26 and I look back, I will not remember the days I spent in the classroom. I will remember all my travels, those I've met, and all the love along the way. So that's kinda where I'm at.

Daily struggles

Maybe I'm prioritizing experiences because I know I won't get that many.

7/19/17

Daily struggles

I just got out of a relationship so I'm not really looking but I would like a weekly snuggle buddy.

7/15/17

Skittle: The end of an Era Amoriartii. Part 2

I flew all the way to the east coast to break up with Amoriartii. I was there for less than 24 hours which is the second shortest amount of time I've take to see them.  It was bitter sweet. We saw the monuments at night and went for a hike in the morning. The entier time I was distancing myself, trying not to forget why I was here. I eventually gave in and snuggled with them on the couch. But as we were leaving I stated we should just be friends.  I want to have equal or as close equal emotional input as possible and I clearly cared way more than they did.  It was causing me a lot of stress. I was scared,  I am sad. But I found it's like ripping off a bandaid just do it quickly and get it over with.  They recived it very well I think.  There was no crying, however we did share some slight chuckles. I'm hurting, I'm healing. I haven't lost them I just lost the love we shared.  They are hopeful everything will work out in the end. If we are meant to be they believe we will be. But they aren't going to try to make it happen either.  Which is where we differ. I wanted this. I did everything I could to make it work and just me trying will never be enough.  They weren't willing to try with me so I had to move on. They said something really interesting before we parted. "The universe keeps pushing us toghter like fusion it also keeps pulling us apart like fision. But eventually we will have to equalize." I think they have hope that we will end up together.  But I don't. I'm done.  I can't hope any more. I ran out of wishes. I've rubbed all the bottles and I'm fresh out of genies.  I've caught all the fairies, plucked all the 4 leaf clovers.  This is the end.

7/11/17

Skittles: The end of an Era Amoriartii Part 1

We don't try anymore. I don't think we put as much effort in. It's evident by the lack of photos of when we are together. Me wearing an outfit they've already seen.  It is just little things that don't really mean much but it's a sign that we are slipping.  Maybe we've grown comfortable or maybe we don't care. I've been questioning whether or not I still loved them and hadn't really reach an answer when they told me they didn't love me anymore.  Guess I can stop soul searching on my part.  I wish I felt blindsided but I don't.  My heart has been preparing for this moment for almost a year now. It's strange to me how it's happening though. All of our big moments happen around conferences becuase that's when we get the most alone time. This is not happening around a conference or anything at all. It's very random.  Maybe becuase I pushed for more contact. I wanted to know things now instead of wait and see how things unfolded.  Patience has always gotten me what I wanted in this relationship and my haste might have been its demise. Waiting is not my strongest virtue. But it's been three painstakingly slow years, most of which has been me waiting for them to wise up and realize they love me, and them running from the fact that they love me while hurting me in the process.  I don't think I could take anymore. I've processed so much pain from being neglected, disrespected, and disregarded. I think I'm done now. I never thought I'd be  strong enough to walk away but that's what I'm doing on Saturday.  I don't exactly know what I'm feeling in respect to the coming event.  I've cried, I was sad,  I was hurt,  I was angry, I was in denile, but I think I'm ready. I'm just nervous. I am scared to throw away three years of my life. It was all for nothing.  I will never be recognized as an ex and our relationship was never official, even though the feelings were always there. I will never have my babies. I won't have the life I've been dreaming of for the past three years.  I have a blank canvas with so much potential.  Most people would kill for that but I'm scared. I don't like not having a plan or an end goal.  This relationship however toxic provided that security.  Now I don't know what to do. What do I want?  Outside of school and professional things that's always been hard for me to answer.  I just want to be happy and have 2-3 dogs and a cat.  I want to live in a city or a very close suburb ( think Jersey to NYC type close). That's all I know, and that scares me.  But I know getting over Amoriartii is something I have to do if they don't love me anymore and I want to be happy.

7/4/17

Daily struggles

Going out with your male gay friends and watching them go home with someone every night. Meanwhile you always go home alone to an empty apartment. Constant feelings of inadequacy coupled with loneliness is enough to make you desperate.  Trying not to do things out of desperation for human contact. Going to spend more time focusing on me and fostering platonic love.

7/3/17

Daily struggles

Thinks to self
*man I'm so hungry*
•you've already eaten three meals and two snacks and its not even noon yet•
*but I'm so hungry*
•did you take your adderall today?• 🤔
Already eating slice of cake
*no*🙁
•take your adderall and stop stuffing yourself•🙅🏾‍♀️
Orders a sandwich
*after we eat this*
Orders gelato
*I'm meant after this*
•🙍🏾‍♂️•
Eats tacos
•🙏🏾•
*🤷🏾‍♀️*

6/28/17

Skittles: why is my heart so heavy?

I saw Amoriartii on my way to world pride.  I had a layover in DC and we met up for lunch.  It was a relatively nice lunch, nothing of consequence was discussed so nothing happened. I left felling rather empty and unfulfilled. I didn't really have anything on my brain that I wanted to talk about. I guess I should have said I've been feeling neglected but I forgot.  I'll address it in our next letter. Normally my heart feels overjoyed and light after I have a nice visit. But I don't feel that. I want to feel more. I want to be overcome with love but I just feel heavy.

Skittles: can we start over Gordic

I got the sweetest response to a series of long messages I sent to Gordic after running in to him Saturday afternoon. Basically he hoped I was doing well and that I learned from everything that happened between us. I have learned and it helps me with Amoriartii and Lovely. I am still a good friend like I was back then. I haven't learned to put my feelings before my friendships and I don't think I want to. But I have learned to communicate my feelings instead of running from them. I learned to talk about things even when they are uncomfortable. I have learned to talk about my insecurities instead of being jealous.  Jealousy is a really toxic emotion that I only experience  when I'm not in a committed relationship of any kind with someone that I have deep feelings for.  I was jealous of my best friend's (husband #7) other friends before we talked about it and he was like your being silky becuase I love you and you're my best friend. I need to know where I stand and I have to like it.   Anyway I digress, Gordic forgave me, something I thought he would never do. I wouldn't have forgiven me. I forget that Gordic is a much better human than I in almost every way. So this time around I'll do so much better.  He is so happy and I don't want to bring him down in any way. But I do desperately miss him. I don't know how to develope a close relationship with someone I will hardly ever see.  I know how to preserve close relationships when people move, but I've never had to do it the other way around. So I'm nervous. I don't know where you start. It's also hard to start over becuase we have history. I want to know if he still draws or still writes in his journal? I want to know what video game he's addicted to  right now.  I really wonder if on Sunday's he still eats oatmeal, watches Buffy, and knits. I guess I can ask. But I'm sacred to move to fast. I'm really excited and I want to know everything I've missed. At the end of the day I'm just over joyed to have my friend back.  I've missed him so much.

6/25/17

Skittles: Hello Gordic

I saw Gordic toady for the first time in years. They are still with thier boyfriend and honestly look great and very happy. I found out they were in town yesterday and have been making an effort to see them. I hoped I would be able to apologize for everything I did. I said things I didn't mean when we fought. I cut him out of my life trying to get over my feelings for him so that I wouldn't lose him as a friend. But still lost him any way.  I lied when he asked me if I liked him becuase I really didn't want to like him.  I wanted my friend. I was so scared that I ended up messing everything up anyway. I'm so sorry for being a dick and I would really like to see him and his boyfriend when ever they are in town. I never regret losing people or cutting people out of my life except for him.  I really want to be on good terms again.  I miss our friendship a lot.

6/24/17

Daily struggles

Dealing with the real fear that because of racism, transphobia, and being polyamorous that I might never have the romantic love I crave.

6/22/17

Skittles: How do "One night stands"?

I recently made out then cuddled with an amazing person. They are a badass trans activist, artist, and musician. They are also a beautiful tortured soul. I believe or exsperice help us learn but our trauma really makes us. They been through it. Still so strong and with such heart and optimism despite everything.  Becuase I've already used thier real name on here to tell you about their work I'll let you all figure out who I'm taking about. But for the sake of this post I'll call her V for Vendetta. Vendetta posted on Facebook they wanted someone to make out with and I was like yeah if your down to cuddle too. So we met up and I took them home. 

I am not the hook up type. I get really nervous and I spend a lot of time in my head instead of just feeling. We talked a lot then I just like playing in people's hair so it went from there.  I thought we might hook up but then in the middle of everything they asked me to stop. So I did. I wonder if I did something wrong but I was too scared to ask. I wanted to ask what they liked. I wanted to ask if they wanted to fool around in the morning when we woke up but I was still too scared.  V on the other hand was really good at communicating. They asked me what I liked.  Asked if they could bite me.  Really checked in with me. I felt like they really cared about how I felt.  It wasn't awkward either. I always imagined having convos during passionate interactions would kill the mood but it really helps you both be on the same page.  Meanwhile I was parlized with fear. I just wanted to be good. I am a perfectionist when it comes to these things. I was so scared I wasn't doing anything right. I really wanted to say something but I was just so scared. 

This is what keeps me from hooking up.  My fear and how it keeps me from being able to talk during physical interactions. I'm usually very verbal, moans, screams,  lots of curse words,  and directions (ie to the left, bite me,  lower, harder ect). I could barley get a moan out. I think I'm just meant to get to know a person first.  Have a well established high level of comfort. Like we can be naked in front of each other for no reason comfortable.  Then I feel like I can be myself.  I would also like to snuggle first for a whole night's sleep before I get into someone's bottoms.  I think if we can just snuggle in only underwear then I can sleep with you after that.  I've already gotten down to my skivvies and let you hold me close or held you close. Hopefully you didn't try anything, respected my boundaries, and didn't murder me. If you can do that and I find you attractive and you feel the same  then we can probably do the horizontal tango.

Know your boundaries and what makes you comfortable. Also try to make the other person comfortable. The cool thing about my interaction is there was a no and it was acknowledge and respected.  You can always stop. No matter what your gender, your orientation, power dynamic, top, bottom,  verse,  threesome,  orgy, making out, holding hands,  anything. You can say no and end it. Never do something you don't want to.  Never force  or coerce someone into doing something.  Always acknowledge and respect a no.  Be safe and have fun at your own speed

6/20/17

Skit: Father's day with Turo

As queers we stereotypically have problems with our biological family.  I did not have any issues with my biological patents after I came out. I told my dad first at 16 and my mom at 22. They both accept me and love me. However, there are somethings I have to explain or some stuff they just don't get.  This gets tiring after a while. I also live most of my life in the queer community. I spend most of my time with other queer people.  So I have a chosen family, not because mine rejected but to, but to deepen connections, bonds, and a sense of community. Now a days I normally get breakfast with my dad and spend the rest of father's day with my queers in boystown. Father's day is always during pride fest and I love my dad but I also love being queer. This year my dad was out of town so I worked and didn't really celebrate with him.  But my chosen farther Turo was in town.  I haven't seen him in 5 years. He's been traveling and went back to school on the east coast. But today I got to catch up with him.  The queer community loves mom's. The vogue community has house mothers. Everyone has their chosen mother.  At my school baby lesbians were called dikelings and always had a mother dike. But what about father's? We're not being kinky and talking about daddies, but actual father figures. I was lucky enough to have a "traditional" chosen family unit in highschool. My mother, a firce black trans women, and my father, a first generation gay latino actor and self made determined driven lover. Growing up with him was great.  He would never tell me what to do which was and still is infuriating. He would ask me questions about it and tell me to follow my heart.  Do what you love. He is so loving. He creates family and nurtures all those around him. My mother on the other hand pushes me,  wants me to give it my all.  My father has always stressed my happiness. Seeing him today, I hope I am making him proud. He asked me what I had been up to and if I still talked to my About Face people.  He asked about school and  love. We talked about how we are constantly seeking community.  We went to bookstores and I met his boyfriend.  Father's are stereotypically the disciplinarian or the fun parent. My father is the loving parent. I know my chosen  mother love's me, always has and always will. But my father's love is more apparent. It comes from how he sees the world and the people in it. He has such a big heart and so much love to give. I want to see the world through his eyes. He has wanderlust just like I do, but his is more intentional. My is a self medicated escape from my depression, which is  why my trips are all so short, you can only hold it off for so long.  But his feeds his soul helps him grow.  He takes everything in and is so grateful and humble amidst it all.  Growing up kids never see their patents faults and want to emulate then becuase of that. But I was past that when I met Turo. I know he's not perfect but he is really good and I hope to emulate that.