Skittles: life update 3/7/19

I'm dating Latka. I'm not in school. I'm applying for a job I don't know if I want. Taking my meds everyday is not currently happening. I don't work that often. I have a lot of friends that I don't see in person. I have a lot of anxiety over one person in my life. I'm still hurting. I don't have a friend that I go out and party with. I have wine nights every month. I'm looking for a new "friend". I'm heartbroken. I'm not going to therapy. I've stopped crying. I have feelings for Lovely that I can't shake. I miss Vendetta and regret giving her that name. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm definitely touch starved. I keep dreaming that Amoriartii dies and it ruins me. I am indifferent about dying and reluctantly living. I'm trying to lose weight. I spend my time being really gay.

Daily Struggles

I've been trying to get with Latka for forever. Latka has constantly denied my request for a romantic relationship. "Not today", "Maybe later", "Now is just not a good time" " I like you but not yet", and so on. He recently moved halfway across the world for grad school. Me being who I am I'm not going to let 14 hour time difference keep me from pursing them. So I decided to just declare that we are in a romantic relationship and see if they refuted it. And it worked! We are now in a romantic relationship.

Skitt: give credit where credit is due.

The last three actual post have questions from Latka. I have a few things I need to finish and plus I want to write I don't know if it'll get done. I might just keep answering questions from friends for content.

Skittles: 7/3/18

I've been going through it all since I got back home Monday night. I went to visit my platonic romantic partner this past weekend. Let's call him Foxy. We are kind of like the fox and the hound. Okay we are completely platonic friends who cuddle. We also use all of our cutesy romantic energy on each other. We go to dinner, see a romantic movie, talk about the movie over drinks, and then go to sleep. The next day we stay in, watch anime, order food, and snuggle the day away. We're real cute. I had a crush on Foxy earlier in the year when I thought we were suppose to have a sex date. They weren't down so that's how we became friends. Mid April they got weird when I had a crush on somebody else. Then this time they got me a tooth brush and loofah for their place. I have no idea what is going on. I'm tempted to jump on them but I'm not any kind of emotionally stable. I haven't even healed yet. So I got home and I was like is this happening? Do I like Foxy? WTF? I can't, not now, No!

Then today I message Amoriartii because I miss them. Our souls feel like they are intertwined and I feel like they has begun to unravel. I love them. Even when I'm mad at them I love Amoriartii. I understand them. I get upset with Amoriartii but I always understand why they did what they did. I haven't spent time with them since last August. I miss them. I want to be with the person who gets me. I have been explaining myself for 2 months now. I just want to exist without having to try so hard. I can do that with them. I miss that.

I'm all over the place just wanting to be loved I think. I've been cut off from all of my sources of love for a bit and now I'm yearning. I think I just need to be held tight and told that its okay. I need to cry to someone. I need someone to understand. Then I'll be okay.

I know who I need to see now. 💚

I'll be okay I just need to take a very spefic trip.

Skittles: I'm seeing people?

So I have already told you all about Latka. We are doing good. We haven't officially started our relationship but we talk at least once a week on the phone. We also text everyday and he is coming to visit in December for a bit. I'm excited.

I haven't talked about Vendetta recently though. I thought all hope was lost when I found out this other person liked her and she liked the other person back. All was not lost. V is poly like me. I have since learned about one other person in V's romantic life. So there are 3 of us to my knowledge. I briefly stopped talking to V when I found out about the person number 1. Then she hit me up and asked me to help her move so I did. I got to spend a whole day with her which is how I learned she was poly and into me. We've been talking ever since. In September we started officially dating! Things have been slow but that's intentional. There is a lot of her own history she has to sort through and I respect that. I just like being there for her. I want her to be as comfortable as possible in our relationship so I'm willing to wait, all be it impatiently. I enjoy just being with V. Our conversations are very intentional and thought provoking. But still very relaxed. I like that I just get to be myself and discover myself with her. I always feel in a relationship I'm aiming to please. So I only get to be part of myself. With Cyborg I was very fem, despite wanting to explore my more masculine or neutral side, because that's what Cyborg was attracted to. But with Vendetta I get to be whatever. I love her heart and soul. She is very sensetive ( in a good way) and soft. Her willingness to be vulnerable and engage with me is what I find most attractive about her. She's also just so freaking physically attractive as well. I spend so much time lusting after her. I have learned that when no one tickles my fancy my sex drive just doesn't exist. Which is nice. When I'm not attracted to anyone I don't get horny. Since I prefer the company of others to my own that really works out in my favor. No person, no sexual feelings, no sexual desires, great! However, when I do find someone attractive for more than a moment then its like they flipped the switch. I go from never wanting sex to thinking about it all the time. Thus the case with V. I have been abstinent since I broke up with Cyborg in February. I could have had a fling with California eyes at the beginning of September but mother nature got in the way. Other than that I have only had a boner for V. We started talking in July so by now I could just devour her with my desire. But I'm not going to. I will take a very cold shower and wait. I respect her and I will not force the issue. But dam her eyes, her smile, those lips, her hips, and everything else just keeps me staring.

Skittles: who is Latka

I know, I know I mentioned him about a week ago and never did a follow up story. I'm doing that now though.

Latka and I met while I was at UIUC. I believe we met my second year in 2013. That's when all the scared queer freshman realize that they want to hang out with other queers instead of straight people. So now we're all sophomores but all the ones who were out and involved freshman year already have a click and were very picky about who we let in our click. We were the cool queers hanging out with the upperclassmen. We don't need any newbies coming in and embarrassing us. I was already in a click, already an intern, already working to make my other campus job more queer friendly, and already a badass. I was picked to be queen of the gays at the end of my freshman year by usurping the previous queen. So I was a big deal. Everyone else wasn't. I had already started creating programs for incoming freshman to get them involved from day one so that they too could be a big deal by their sophomore year.

However, I also saw how the senior class that had just graduated was extremely divided and held a lot of animosity for one another. So one of goals was to get my graduating class to graduate friends. So I started hosting parties to keep us together. Not too close to create drama, but close enough that we were all loosely friends. However, not all queer sophomores partied so I had to get to know them and bring them in by hanging out in our resource center. This is how I met Latka. Through basically living in our resource center. It was also around that time the sophomores that didn't party started a new student run organization. As intern I should have helped but I was busy. After they did become an org (That foused on our trans and non binary stundents) I had to attend their weekly meetings and their board meetings. Latka was on the board. So we became friends. He also eventually joined my favorite student orgs OSTEM.

We both liked to cook and even had a freindlyish competition over who's chili was better during friendsgaying. I won. We wouldn't hang out too much while I was at UIUC but we stayed friends after I left. I eventually asked him to be my kink group's executive administrator (assistant). That made us very close, as the whole board is extremely tight knit. Latka stated sending me postcards like once every 2 months just to check on me. I eventualy went to visit one winter break. We have visited each other at least 2 more times since then.

So this August (2017) I noticed something very small that they said during one of our phone calls or text convos that made me think at one point Latka had a crush on me. So I asked him about it and he said he's liked me for a while. We talked about it, me mainly concerned with why he didn't tell me, and him trying to get me to drop it. I won again. We talked about dating at some point in the future and how to make that work given his situation. He's at home with his dad who's not very trans friendly. Probably republican if I had to guess. Latka is working and taking classes to further himself before he joins the work force in his desired field. Also he lives two states over.

We had this running joke for a while where I would ask everyday if today was "yes day" the day they say yes to being in a relationship with me. During one of our calls I asked if yes day had a time I could point to on a clock and he said "yes just don't ask me what day it is." I said I would Send them a calender ( the warwick rowers calendar) where I pick the day and time for yes day. They sarcastically agreed. To which I responded in child like form no takies backies. So on a day of my choosing in 2018 we will be in a relationship. Thus why I refer to Latka as my future partner.