Skittles: cookies, the flue, quesadilla

My friends and I have code names for our depression.  It's not that we don't talk openly about our mental health issues, it's that we aren't always free to speak about how bad it is in the moment. Also sometimes just admitting we have a mental health problem is to much to handle so we use code words that seem smaller. Today was one of those days.  After two days of not taking my antidepressants, for a good reason, I crashed.  All I wanted to do was curl up and cry. Lovely tends to feed off the energy around them. So becuase I was in a mood they were too. I wanted to get out and do something. If I force myself to get up and be productive I feel better.  But Lovely didn't have the spoons to go out so we stayed in bed drinking. We eventually left becuase they had to work but most of the day is gone now.  I usually visit Lovely when I'm in distress and leave better. But I came fine and I think I'm going to leave in distress. It's hard. I have an inherent attraction to them. So it's never easy visiting and getting to be so close but still so far away.  Plus they have a few romantic/sexual interest right now that I had to witness first hand. Then we talked about what we look for in potential sexual or romantic interest and I am all of the things they say they want but I think I'm just to messy right now. I don't know and I think it would hurt to much to know why not me. I wouldn't say I'm jealous of the people Lovely likes, I just feel hurt because it's not me.  This month, but especially this weekend, has made me feel so undesirable. I went to a party with Lovely, looking good feeling confident. But no one I talked to seemed interested. I'm already limiting myself becuase I refuse to talk to white people like that for reasons I will explian in a differnt post called The Diet.  But no QPOC I want wants me.  They all go for white people mostly.  So I wonder if I wasn't black would I be more desirable? Would people notice?  In my queer spaces if I looked more non binary would people talk to me? I will never know if it's me or how I look. I hope its me because that I could change if I wanted too.  I don't but I could.  But I will always be too black, not non binary enough, and too fem (atleast while it's hot).